To ask for help with smacking?

[BeeLoverBe]

I've name changed for this as I'm clearly going to get flamed but need advice as I cant discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background is, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty I would get a smack on the bum or across the back of the legs.

I smacked my two children when they were toddlers, again not excessively but I did do it. My youngest is now 6 and she is extremely trying with her poor attitude in particular answering me back, acting up and saying horrible things to me.

Yesterday she screamed in my face and for the first time in ages I smacked her. It clearly took her by surprise as she looked shocked and then cried. I felt guilty afterwards and have mixed emotions about it. I have been at the end of my tether with her recently and her behaviour. I have tried the usual naughty step, confiscating things, reward charts etc and nothing works as she doesnt care. I've spoken to her teachers and they say shes not like it at school. So the smacking was me losing my temper out of exhausting all other avenues, which I know I shouldn't have done.

Yesterday she said something really horrible to me and I very nearly smacked her again but didnt. Hence why I'm here to ask for advice and help. It's a taboo subject that no one discusses is RL so in the event that I will get blamed for being an awful mother, I've come here to ask for help

Just seen that you say you send her to her room but she's behaving the same way the next day.

Well yes, change is not going to happen overnight. Just keep repeating the same calm consequences i.e. sending her to her room.

Totally Agree dinopops

Agree pigs do fly - repeat repeat repeat - and breeeeeathe x

The relationship between parent and child is fundamentally different to that between carer and dementia patient. I'd also be upset if the dementia patient was encouraged to sit on the carer's lap...

All these comparisons between smacking and some other relationship are frustrating, because they almost always miss some other behaviour that applies differently, such as how it would be inappropriate for an adult to insist another adult goes to their room.

I appreciate that's not the only type of argument against smacking, and in my view there are others with more merit, but these comparisons with other situations annoy me.

@Pinkyyy all you’re doing is teaching that violence is ok. I pity your kids, I pity their future partners, and I despair for their own children who will probably carry on the cycle themselves. I’d suggest you should be seriously embarrassed by your terrible parenting, but we all know here that you couldn’t give a shit.

You say it's done you no harm but you actually believe it's OK for a full grown adult to physically hurt a child in their care. When you do that you damage the trust your child has in the one person who should always keep them safe. It's not OK. It has skewed your view of what a parent child relationship should be. I say this was someone who was smacked and used to think it did me no harm. It is not OK. Ever. Control your anger.

What on earth is a 'gypsy kid'?

There is always something else you can do. Something that will work as well or better.

I've tried all the sending to her room and everything else that the books etc advise. She doesnt care, she will say sorry then back to doing it again the next day.

That's what kids do. If she stops doing it right then and says sorry then she does care and sending her to her room is working. Kids forget or they have a bad moment next day, and so yes they do the same thing again. You stay patient, send them to their room again. You think about why they did it. Is there some way to avoid the whole problem - will a count to ten get her to do it? Or iIf it's silly rude behaviour can I ignore it altogether? Ignoring silliness may work better than making a fuss. You'll never totally get rid of naughtiness but maybe you can encourage more good behaviour with rewards and praise.

When parents commonly used to smack, very many kids used to do it again next day or next week. Because that's what kids do. Your DD stopped right then because smacking had shock value but if you keep doing it then it wont. She wont care about being smacked either, she will misbehave again whether you smack her or not. And then what will you do? In the old days some parents escalated to real abuse with defiant children. You will need to find something else to do.

Are you crazy? @mussolini9 how is me giving a naughty child a snack, the same as you hitting a full grown adult? My kids know the score and are never cheeky as a result.

Oh I SEE now.
You - @Pinkyyy - feel perfectly justified in hitting a child.
But if someone were to hit YOU, they are "crazy"?

If I were to hit you hard enough, would you stop being "cheeky as a result"?

She is clearly too old to be smacked, even if you are of the view that smacking a toddler is sometimes necessary. You must find other ways to discipline her, and she has to know she is never going to be smacked again.

I smacked my eldest when he was small a couple of times (he’s now 18) and honestly it just made us both feel shit afterwards it made no difference just made him fear me I think so I vowed to parent differency to how I was parented (mum used wooden/metal spoon so quite violent)

My 2 older sons I used naughty step etc all good they are now late teens
However I did have 2 more sons the youngest of which I have had lots of behavioural issues with and really struggled using the same techniques as my older sons.

He is, however an individual so no method is the same for each child. My youngest is 8 and then I have a 9 year old so close in age and both can be trying but hitting isn’t the solution. I try to parent positively and use praise for good behaviour or kind actions where possible and a calm but firm voice.
We use quiet time for minor misbehaviours in the same room and time out/in in another room for anything more serious but I’ve not had to use it much as they have learned boundaries and I have been as consistent as possible (I’m not a saint and it’s g to begin with my 9 yr old argues black is white and opposite me for everything)

If you are really struggling perhaps school can support you, triple p techniques are very good and tailored to your own child but it helps if you can go to a class (school referred me due to youngest son) but it did make me step back and look again at how I speak to my kids and behave around them I want them to be happy kids and none of us were as youngest just was so angry and volatile it’s made us all look at our family differently we never used to go out as youngest flipped out but we now plan plan plan and they know what is expected of them. Sounds all wonderful but we still have the odd bad day or my youngest will sleep badly and lose the plot occasionally with his brothers but worth a try.

Most important thing is you’ve recognised you don’t want to smack and looking for alternatives/advice and no one should be vilified for that. When I was at my lowest I reached out for help and we are in such a good place now. Please do the same even if it’s just a friend, school or anyone really who could help out.

Tough one!
Realistically, the smacking isn't even making you feel better so doesn't add anything to your discipline situation. Aside from which, smacking in anger could easily get out of control.

My 7-year-old has been the same, really challenging. I have found that sending him to his bedroom (gives us both time to cool down) and considering the discipline from there is the best course of action.

Once you are both calm, discuss their actions, why they have upset you and the consequences of it. And whatever you punish them with, stick to it (no Ipad always works for us).

People don't discuss it because smacking is wrong. You wouldn't hit an adult who is testing your patience so why a small, defenceless child? Also, how often have you hit her before if you haven't done it in ages?

I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm

Except it did do you harm as you’re happy to perpetuate the cycle.

I think you’ve been brave posting OP.

Give her calm consequences, repeat constantly.

Do you praise her for handling situations well? Is she trying to get your attention and going about it the wrong way?

wow pinkyy, your comments are awful. I bet your kids aren't just hitting back, they'll be the instigators. youre disgusting

I would if possible have a girlie day just you two, cinema trip followed by a walk or ice cream and then have a little discussion with her about how her behaviour makes you feel & ask her how it makes her feel, it may well be that she just wants attention, all kids act up & we all get frustrated x

I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty

See I would think it do you harm OP - it’s most likely the reason you’ve physically abused your own children. Smacking is physical abuse, we’ve just been conditioned to accept it as normal. Plus we don’t like to face up to the fact that our parents abused us, so we minimize it. You feel guilty for a reason - it’s never ok to hit anyone, least of all the smallest, most vulnerable people in society. Makes you a bully and a hypocrite as if your child hits another child I’m sure you would be angry with them?

It’s very, very hard not to smack when you were hit as a child. I struggle to control my temper sometimes but just keep in mind that you will be breaking the cycle. If you stop excusing it and fully accept that smacking is abhorrent then it will (hopefully) make you stop and think twice when you feel like you’re about to lose control. That’s what’s worked for me anyway. I would also try to stop taking things your DC says personally, she’s just a child she doesn’t know the impact her words have but she will see it’s pushing your buttons so she’ll feel compelled to keep doing it. Don’t give her a reaction.

There’s a multitude of resources online for “gentle” parenting techniques, one of my favorites is AHA parenting. The fact your posting means you’re a good mum who wants to do the right thing, even though it’s an anonymous forum it still takes guts to write a post about smacking. Best of luck OP.

I love how people are so quick to call me names and completely write off anything that isn't the norm to them. Being a parent in the traveling community is world's apart from what you're used to, but you're all showing your ignorance. Yes I'm teaching them that violence is okay, because in my culture it is.

100% against snacking. It doesn't teach the child anything other than it's ok to smack. I'm desperately drumming in to my 3 year old at the minute that we must be nice to our friends at nursery and not hit, push etc, so what message would he get if I then smacked him?

I do understand where you're coming from as my 3 year old can be very trying, I try not to shout and just be firm but I have really shouted at him a few times when he's pushed me too far and I regret it every single time, as you do with the smacking. But it really will only make things worse.

Walk away. I find silent treatment works well even at 6.
Don't be to hard on yourself, it is not ideal but I do understand your frustration with a difficult child. I often have to walk away from DS he is younger but very challenging
With DD, I wait until she is in good form, address her attitude and tell her the next time, I won't speak to her if she is abusive, it worked after awhile.
They need to learn you won't be accepting their behaviour.

Pinkyyy So your children 'know the score' do they? And they behave.

Yes the probably do and they behave because they're frightened of the consequences if they don't.

I never smacked my children and they behaved very well.

I've just come from my DD's house, she has three children, the oldest will soon be 5 years old. She never smacks them and you couldn't ask for better behaved children. They are polite, sensible and a pleasure to spend time with.

No one needs to hit a child to teach them good behaviour. It's funny how good parents don't need the threat of physical violence to nurture and grow happy well adjusted children.

I'm sure there are children for whom it 'doesn't do any harm'; but one thing is for sure, there are zero children for whom it does any good.

Well done op for recognising it has to stop. And it does. There are plenty of other ways of disciplining, none of them violent. It will be harder for you now, because of how you started.
But, unless you want your children to end up like pinkky, you must stop as of today. Never again.

Sorry, my post was irrelevant to the OP.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about this - you've done something many many parents have done before you. But it wasn't a conscious, thought through decision, and you acted in anger - you well know that is less than ideal.

So you need to make a plan now, before something happens again. Can you agree with yourself that smacking is absolutely off the table again? Instead, you need alternative sanctions. You say sending the child to her room didn't work because she was apologetic, but did it again tomorrow. Sometimes life with kids is like this - if she didn't repeat the beach our again until tomorrow, that sounds like a win! Well done for preventing it happening again that first day without smacking.

Are there particular flash points that cause the behaviour that you feel like smacking over? Can you rearrange the scenario so it doesn't flare up in the same way? Can you think through, with her, while everything is calm, a good while before the flash point to see how you can both prevent any escalating? Can you talk then about appropriate ways to behave vs what she did yesterday?

Good ideas about lots of positive reinforcement too.

I love the book calmer, easier, happier pare ting - it's full of excellent strategies for parenting without the conflict.

No one needs to hit a child to teach them good behaviour. It's funny how good parents don't need the threat of physical violence to nurture and grow happy well adjusted children

Totally this. I can’t believe people will still advocate that hurting and frightening a child is ok under the guise of “culture”.

Smacking is a lazy form of punishment. I think it's horrible and absolutely hate it if I see someone smacking a child.

You need to stop. I was never once smacked and have grown up to be perfectly respectable. (I think!)

If you feel like you are about to lose it you need to walk out of the room. Stop lashing out at her, you're the adult, start parenting!!