To ask for help with smacking?

[BeeLoverBe]

I've name changed for this as I'm clearly going to get flamed but need advice as I cant discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background is, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty I would get a smack on the bum or across the back of the legs.

I smacked my two children when they were toddlers, again not excessively but I did do it. My youngest is now 6 and she is extremely trying with her poor attitude in particular answering me back, acting up and saying horrible things to me.

Yesterday she screamed in my face and for the first time in ages I smacked her. It clearly took her by surprise as she looked shocked and then cried. I felt guilty afterwards and have mixed emotions about it. I have been at the end of my tether with her recently and her behaviour. I have tried the usual naughty step, confiscating things, reward charts etc and nothing works as she doesnt care. I've spoken to her teachers and they say shes not like it at school. So the smacking was me losing my temper out of exhausting all other avenues, which I know I shouldn't have done.

Yesterday she said something really horrible to me and I very nearly smacked her again but didnt. Hence why I'm here to ask for advice and help. It's a taboo subject that no one discusses is RL so in the event that I will get blamed for being an awful mother, I've come here to ask for help

Also, I would think that in the majority of cases, in otherwise 'normal families', the suspicion that smacking was happening as a means of chastisement wouldn't even arise. Teachers are hardly going to ask kids at random if their parents smack them. How would you envisage enforcing such a law?

If there was a pattern of abuse, leading to teachers being concerned and SS becoming involved, then they would ask children about their home life, and the issue would come up, quite clearly.

Being sent out to play all day is problematic....why? We are loosing these great bits of childhood. Not quite the point i know...smacking is a tough one. The occassional smack when the child has been awful ....ok....not ideal though. Constantly hiting and beating...unacceptable!
Trouble is that kid's behaviour is shocking nowadays ( ex tracher) i blame the mollycoddling behaviour of parents. However, a better way than smacking such as withdrawal of priveledges is more effective.

I mean no one is perfect and we all have our moments but I've always thought that smacking amounts to a loss of control / I've felt shit when I've totally lost it VERBALLY with my kids as in hindsight I was over the top and really felt I'd lost control
Being physical with another person is another level entirely !
If you would not verbally abuse and / or physically assault a family member , co worker, stranger ... how can you think it's ok to do so to your child ?!

@Pinkyyy surely you're a troll but anyway!!
I don't hit my kids because I don't believe that is the way for them to respect me and I don't want them to live in fear of me as that isn't a good relationship for me/ I also believe I can't teach them that problems can't be solved by physical violence if that's how they see me solving problems ! Can't be lamping them whilst also asking them not to lamp their siblings right!?
However I can assure you that they will be taught when there is a good and appropriate time to fight and I'm guessing that could be when your kids are assaulting them for no reason - I promise you I'll be teaching them when it is appropriate to stick up for themselves and lamp someone back if needed

Op she’s 6 and no prob does t care and will go back to doing the same things she doesn’t the next day. That’s what kids do but sometime soon she will turn a corner.

@Mommmytobe19

You say you stand by your post, but you don't seem able or willing to answer the questions it raised:

*Does it not occur to you for one single second that you can CHOOSE to never hit a child?
You just "hope" not to hit one?
Is it OK if an adult simply "hopes" not to hit you?
Is it OK if an adult decides thay now "need" to hit you?

Shame on you.*

@mussolini9

I don’t need to answer to you, specially about something that’s never happened 😂😂😂

I am entitled to my opinion and if you don’t like it then tough really 🤣

I was smacked as a child.

I didn’t think I was that bothered about it until I had my own girls. Now I feel angry about it. I don’t understand how they could bring themselves to do it.

My children push me to the edge of my sanity on a regular basis. It’s never crossed my mind to hit them.

My friend smacks her preschooler. She got a smack when she smacked her toddler sister.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Teach a kid not to hit...by hitting it?

Smacking teaches children, especially young children that is ok to smack when you are angry. Dealing with bad behaviour is really difficult and I don’t think anyone has a magic solution. We need to deal with our own anger and frustrations first and it’s hard, I often find myself shouting and then feel awful.
I was smacked as a child and into my teenage years and I was scared to talk to my parents, if I’m honest, I would have very low contact with them now if my children didn’t love them, they are good grandparents just not as good at parenting. I would hate my children to feel this way towards me when they were adults.
I have two very loud, energetic, boisterous children (one with SEN) if I try talking calmly and it has much more of an impact than shouting as does walking away quietly and sitting in silence (obviously not if they are fighting) this often surprises them and we can talk calmly.
Has something happened to change her behaviour? Can she tell you why she is so frustrated.
Think back to when you were smacked, did this frustrate you even more or feel further disrespect for your parents?
None of us are perfect, I certainly have a long way before I can class myself as a good parent and everyone parents differently but I try to remember that behaviour is often linked to frustration and confused feelings. Obviously this doesn’t stop me needing to hide away and eat biscuits halfway through the day 😃

I'm not going to comment on the smacking. It's still common in the culture I live in. What I found made a real difference was sitting with my "difficult" kid for 10-15 mins at bedtime so she got some one on one time with me. I knew when she played up I was the one that was not stepping up at that end. Last thing I wanted to do at the end of a long day but there you go.

As far as I know, Scotland is in the process of changing the legislation (or may already have done) to remove the defence of "justifiable assault". If that doesn't give you pause for thought, I don't know what will. Smacking is not LEGAL per se. It is just that there are recognised degrees of violence and justifications for violence in law. Doesn't make it NOT VIOLENCE.

@Mommmytobe19

It's nothing to do with being "entitled" to your gross & ignorant opinion, & everything to do with being unable to answer my questions, because you are so badly in the wrong.

If I were to hit you, you would no doubt cry foul & call for legal redress. Yet you reserve the right for yourself, to hit children if you feel like it.

That is disgusting, & the fact that you cannot see the hypocrisy & cruelty speaks volumes about your abhorrent parenting.

I wasn't just smacked as a child, my parents slapped me hard around the face quite a few times that I remember. Just for "answering back" etc, never anything that bad. I won't be doing the same to my children, there are a lot of other things you can do which I'm sure the other ladies here can advise you on. I just don't think it does any good.

What's happened to the OP?

Being smacked as a child has affected you because part of you thinks its ok to hurt your child

In case the OP is still listening and this hasn't already been said: I find that when my kids (7yo) start playing up it's usually because they're bored. You don't want to reward bad behaviour with attention directly, so what I do is try and start fresh the next day or after lunch or whatever - pick something they like doing and do that for a while, playing games or whatever.

Yes or they're tired, hungry, thirsty. drank rubbish fizzy sugary drinks eaten to much rubbish. Not gone out to get rid of excess energy. Just sat in the car etc.

I also am an ex teacher and don't think children have changed BUT there's far too much emphasis on academic work at school now, even cutting playtimes too to make them do more of the curriculum, it's madness and just leads to frustrated and OTT behaviour from some kids. Let them be kids.

I don't know about kids my dh is a rude grump when he's tired and hungry, why should kids be expected to behave impeccably all the time? They're human like everyone

If you've tried everything, has she always been the same/has it been going on a while? Could it be an attention thing? If it's only started recently have you had any normal life events that may have unsettled her if il that you can trace the start of it back too? Maybe spend some one on one time with her doing something nice to break the pattern you seem to be in. You might find positive attention works or if it's something bothering her.