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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help with smacking?

270 replies

BeeLoverBe · 13/06/2019 12:38

I've name changed for this as I'm clearly going to get flamed but need advice as I cant discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background is, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty I would get a smack on the bum or across the back of the legs.

I smacked my two children when they were toddlers, again not excessively but I did do it. My youngest is now 6 and she is extremely trying with her poor attitude in particular answering me back, acting up and saying horrible things to me.

Yesterday she screamed in my face and for the first time in ages I smacked her. It clearly took her by surprise as she looked shocked and then cried. I felt guilty afterwards and have mixed emotions about it. I have been at the end of my tether with her recently and her behaviour. I have tried the usual naughty step, confiscating things, reward charts etc and nothing works as she doesnt care. I've spoken to her teachers and they say shes not like it at school. So the smacking was me losing my temper out of exhausting all other avenues, which I know I shouldn't have done.

Yesterday she said something really horrible to me and I very nearly smacked her again but didnt. Hence why I'm here to ask for advice and help. It's a taboo subject that no one discusses is RL so in the event that I will get blamed for being an awful mother, I've come here to ask for help

OP posts:
00100001 · 13/06/2019 17:04

using culture as an excuse for violence is BS

FGM is a cultural thing. That's OK then... I mean,it's their culture...

In some cultures is perfectly acceptable for an adult man to marry a child. Well, it is their culture so we should probably let them do that in the UK?

Spitting in the streets is perfectly fine in some cultures, so it's OK for people to do it here?

some cultures think its OK to stone a woman if she was raped.... let's allow them to do that here, after all, its their culture....

Stop hiding behind your culture to condone violence towards children pinkyy it's pathetic.

RickJames · 13/06/2019 17:14

God no! @maimainomai. I just added it as an extra detail. We moved house a few times when he was really little and I suspect he was upset and frustrated about it. He only bit me, so I think he felt it was a safe space to express himself. He was very loving and still is, so no more biting!

I was hit until I was about 17/18. I think hitting is rubbish. My parents stopped when I started lashing out back and I had friends and boyfriends that were big enough to beat my dad up. My dad is a very violent person (towards anyone that got in his way. Like he once beat someone with a lump of wood he caught trying to break into his car. Police just said fair enough and no charges) but he knew when he got older and couldn't get in the fray anymore.
Violence blighted my young life. I can't agree with smacking or beating people up.

ppeatfruit · 13/06/2019 18:00

A few posters have mentioned that children are NOT adults, I will emphasise the point. There are maany ways to look at your DDs 'bad behaviour; She could be tired, she could be hungry or thirsty.

She's six which is a very normal age to try to push the boundaries, she not deliberately being a pain. She's little, it's normal child development. She needs to be allowed to relax when she gets home after being 'good' at school. Pick your battles OP . She's still very young. Smacking is counterproductive as you know.

Play games with her , get her to 'pretend' to be someone else in a story eg. cuddles and kisses are better than shouting and hitting, always notice the 'good behaviour' and try to ignore the unproductive.

Anothertempusername · 13/06/2019 22:18

My first ever comment deletion. I'm honoured.

I'll tone down my language: @Pinkyyy & OP: smacking is wrong. Teaching your child to bare knuckle fight is just plain fucking disgusting.

awaits further deletion message

Mommmytobe19 · 13/06/2019 23:01

Very taboo. I was smacked as a kid and it taught me respect if anything. I don’t judge parents who do or don’t but growing up I knew where the line was and what would happen if I crossed it. Undecided if I will discipline my own children this way, hopefully won’t need to.

Whisky2014 · 13/06/2019 23:06

I got smacked as a child. I never thought it was ok to hit my parents when I was older. I was well behaved after being smacked

Jimdandy · 14/06/2019 06:21

If it makes you feel better I have smacked mine before too when I’ve been at the absolute end of tether and I didn’t know what else to do. But, it doesn’t work and I won’t do it again.

What works with mine is taking away treats. No sweets and no iPad and no staying up late at the weekend. The three things they love. I see it as removing privileges, like with a teenager.

I don’t stop taking them out though as we tend to go to parks etc and they’re 10 times worse with excess energy.

Beechview · 14/06/2019 06:54

Have you thought about not punishing your child?
I think it’s mentioned before in this thread - I think ahaparenting is a really good site.
www.ahaparenting.com/blog/10_Ways_To_Guide_Children_Without_Discipline

ASauvignonADay · 14/06/2019 07:10

Smacking is not ok. School may do a referral to social services if your child went in and told them. Look at parenting classes in your area - some are brilliant.

millstonegrit · 14/06/2019 07:51

Smacking is physical abuse

Pinkyyy · 14/06/2019 08:04

I hope you can see why it was deleted @Anothertempusername. There's plenty of things about your culture that I find 'plain fucking disgusting' too, but I wouldn't be so rude as to say that.

JacquesHammer · 14/06/2019 08:25

There's plenty of things about your culture that I find 'plain fucking disgusting' too, but I wouldn't be so rude as to say that

Like the fact we don’t abuse our kids as standard?

Roussette · 14/06/2019 08:27

I don't know how anyone can justify hitting a child and come on here with the reason that is is because of our 'culture'. You can't tell me that everyone in the travelling community are clones of each other and do exactly the same.

My friend who is Muslim drinks alcohol from time to time. So bloody what. A travelling family could decide not to go down the route of promoting violence, hitting their kids, teaching children to bare knuckle fight - you'll still be a traveller.

There really is no justification for walloping a child to teach them a lesson

LenizarLyublyu · 14/06/2019 08:36

While I don't agree with smacking, saying "well you wouldn't hit an adult, so why hit a child?" is ridiculous because there are many things I would do to a child that I wouldn't do to an adult, like take their possessions away for bad behaviour - pretty sure if I punished DP by taking away his favourite things, I'd be accused of emotional abuse or something, but it's fine to do that to my child, recommended even.

LenizarLyublyu · 14/06/2019 08:37

Teaching your child to bare knuckle fight is...

Now why doesn't that suprise me Hmm

LaMarschallin · 14/06/2019 08:41

I'm really sorry about this. I don't know whether it's better etiquette to make a diversion on this thread (definitely don't intend to derail) or revive an old thread.
AYCS, I've chosen this way.

@Pinkyyy
I followed the link to your old thread. So far I've only read the first 4 pages and the last. But, from that, you come across as bright, informative and pleasant, and have left me with an interest in your culture.
You sound like a different person here.
Surely, you can't just answer the issues on violence here with: it's my culture, so there.
Lots of people have cultural issues but can see other people's point of view.
Especially if, eventually, that cultural issue becomes illegal as this may. I suppose you might choose to stop hitting youùr DC then but the damage might have been done.
On a purely practical level, what if they hit you back? Where do you go then?
Or is it so ingrained in your culture that they'd never hit their parents? If so, I hope everybody in your culture knows all these rules as well as you do and wouldn't use their cultural mores to hit anyone "inappropriately" for want of a better word. "Appropriately", from what I've read here, would include hitting other children who hit them and bare-knuckle fights over eg matters of property.

Anyway, sorry, deviation over.
I'll try to sit on my hands to any reply as this isn't what the thread's about.

As far as the OP is concerned, I did hit one of my children once. They were appalled and flinched from me for a while afterwards which felt horrible (to both of us, I know). It didn't help and wasn't even for one of her worst misdemeanours: it was obviously due to me getting to the end of my tether so must have sent a very odd message. I used to find that the calmer I became (jolly difficult!), speaking quietly, moving calmly, just telling her to do something w/o scolding but w/o endearments or suchlike used to work better.

My SiL tried slapping her elder son on a few occasions. He was a nightmare and very violent himself (even before she hit him - and yes, I'm as sure as I can be that her hitting him didn't predate his violence). He would just thump her back (as hard as a toddler can thump; the point is he was trying to hurt). It certainly didn't help.

Luckily, he's a lovely and gentle man now.

LenizarLyublyu · 14/06/2019 08:41

The travellers near us live in houses, they still bare knuckle fight in the street, use weapons, normal rules do not apply in the culture.

And people wonder where prejudice against travellers comes from, when people like Pinky do such a good job of showing it in a good light

Pinkyyy · 14/06/2019 08:42

@JacquesHammer I've asked you not to engage with me before, yet you just can't help yourself, can you? You've made your thoughts on my culture clear on multiple different threads, so why persist even after I've asked you not to directly comment to me.

@Roussette I understand what you're saying. However in my way of life, if you don't prepare yourself for bare Knuckle fights etc, you're setting yourself up to fail. It's a very different way of life and we value different things.

Buttery81 · 14/06/2019 08:45

I was smacked occasionally as a child and can honestly say it did me no psychological harm whatsoever. Bullying at school, on the other hand...

I don’t think I could ever bring myself to smack a child though.

JacquesHammer · 14/06/2019 08:47

I've asked you not to engage with me before, yet you just can't help yourself, can you? You've made your thoughts on my culture clear on multiple different threads, so why persist even after I've asked you not to directly comment to me

Have you? What a shame for you.

I have no opinion on your culture other than you should be at liberty to practice it. However there are parts of your culture (and others) that should be stated as what they are.

And it’s a public forum. It doesn’t work like that.

HTH

Whatafustercluck · 14/06/2019 08:48

OP, I think you'll find that the vast majority of people, myself included, do not agree with smacking. I don't think you really came here asking for acceptance and you probably know that smacking is not ok. So on the assumption that you're actually looking for help on dealing with your dd, we probably need to know a little more.

Is the behaviour new or has it always been like this? How long and how consistently have you tried other methods? Is there anything in particular that triggers her behaviour? What is her home environment like - any siblings or problems?

Pinkyyy · 14/06/2019 08:49

@LaMarschallin I do realise that I'm not coming across very well on this thread, especially compared to my own one. However I do think that people were a lot more polite and open to gain knowledge on that thread, where in this one people are just being insulting. That has lead to me being defensive and probably equally as insulting back. I did try a few times to stop the de-railing and even diverted people to my thread where they could find answers.

But to answer your question, the children would never hit their parents, they all know this. It's not like they get smacked very often, in fact hardly at all. But they know that the chance is there if they do something very bad. I realise that many (if not most) people are against this, and they are entitled to that belief. I just struggle to maintain a calm response when people start to say things like what was said to me in a deleted post up thread.

Pinkyyy · 14/06/2019 08:51

@JacquesHammer I've said this before, but I'll say it again and stick to it. I won't be responding to any further comments from you.

LaMarschallin · 14/06/2019 08:57

@Pinkyyy

Thank you for replying.
I've bookmarked your AMA thread and intend to finish reading it; I really am finding it enjoyable.
It's nice to find one can disagree with someone on MN without it going down the route of: "Fuck the fuck off and do a fucking one while you're there".
Just because we can swear on here doesn't mean it's obligatory.

*Ironically, this was auto corrected to "hard-hitting" Smile.

JacquesHammer · 14/06/2019 09:04

I've said this before, but I'll say it again and stick to it. I won't be responding to any further comments from you

I don’t need a response. I’m quite happy to make my points on a thread.