To ask for help with smacking?

[BeeLoverBe]

I've name changed for this as I'm clearly going to get flamed but need advice as I cant discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background is, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty I would get a smack on the bum or across the back of the legs.

I smacked my two children when they were toddlers, again not excessively but I did do it. My youngest is now 6 and she is extremely trying with her poor attitude in particular answering me back, acting up and saying horrible things to me.

Yesterday she screamed in my face and for the first time in ages I smacked her. It clearly took her by surprise as she looked shocked and then cried. I felt guilty afterwards and have mixed emotions about it. I have been at the end of my tether with her recently and her behaviour. I have tried the usual naughty step, confiscating things, reward charts etc and nothing works as she doesnt care. I've spoken to her teachers and they say shes not like it at school. So the smacking was me losing my temper out of exhausting all other avenues, which I know I shouldn't have done.

Yesterday she said something really horrible to me and I very nearly smacked her again but didnt. Hence why I'm here to ask for advice and help. It's a taboo subject that no one discusses is RL so in the event that I will get blamed for being an awful mother, I've come here to ask for help

OP have a look at this book How to talk to kids so they will listen.
Seriously, it’s full of recommendations and techniques that work well. No naughty step, reward charts etc.. (they’ve never ever worked with my dcs) but simple stuff you can do.

There is also a version for younger children (too recent for me to be able to comment)

Smacking is horrible. It's an adult inflicting a physical punishment on a small child. What is it teaching? It's teaching a child that it's okay for a bigger person to hit a smaller, vulnerable person. Is that what you want?

Don't do it. Improve your parenting skills instead.

pinkyy are you for real or are you just trying to be goady and perpetuate a stereotype. My best friend is from the traveller community, and we've been friends for more than twenty years so I know a lot of traveller families and have other traveller friends myself, they don't hit their children or engage them in bareknuckle boxing.

I knew people who smacked their kids, how come then, I wonder, that their kids were often badly behaved, compared to mine who were never smacked.

Pinkyyy you may teach them not to hit a non-traveller child, but what happens when another child winds them up at school? Will they have the skills and experiences to deal with conflict, or will they instinctively lash out? I have known schools locally get the police involved, even for relatively minor injuries caused by another pupil.

I was hit as a kid and teenager and, believe me, its not a tactic that reforms a child's behaviour! Yes, the child will stop doing whatever is irritating you out of fear of being hit again, but children don't have the capacity to correlate between the hit and what they're doing wrong. In short, they're not learning anything out of and you will shape them into individuals who learn to expect abuse from those closest to them.
I think you have anger that you need to deal with; you say you were hit as a child, and you think it did you no harm. Well, of course it has. Look at your anger issues, your inability to resolve a situation without resorting to physical violence.
And it is physical violence, and it is abuse. You need to understand that.
Your child is alright at school so clearly she is not thriving in the home environment you've created for for her. And tbh, there's nothing in what you've described in your dc's behaviour that suggests an out of control monster. I think its your inability to control your anger at the smallest things that is the real problem here.

It's nice to hear everyone so against it. I was smacked as a child and genuinely think most of us were weren't we? Back in the 80s?

Yes I'm teaching them that violence is okay, because in my culture it is.

But it clearly isn't, @Pinkyyy, because you objected so strongly to the concept of me smacking you. So clearly in at least one instance you feel that violence is not okay.

Can you explain why it's fine for you to hit a child, but objectionable for me to hit you?

k Do you realise that I'm preparing them for a life where fighting is used to resolve disputes? They could lose their home if they don't fight.

Teach them boxing, bare knuckle fighting, get them imo MMA, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, Krav maga etc (when they’re a bit older). My dad took also took all of us to the shooting range... (we’re not travelers btw. And it’s legal for children to shoot where we grew up.)

But I really don’t see why teaching them to fight isnconnected to parental abuse/smacking.

Also worth remembering that distraction and intervening BEFORE there is a problem is often more efficient.
So you can see her aiming for the remote control she isn’t allowed to have (because no more TV), then you distract her with something else.
She needs to help tidying, you take her by the hand to get there. Very gently but she knows there is no way out

And then I would look after yourself. Have a break and leave the dcs with their father for a few hours. Ask him to take over every other evening to put them to bed etc... yu can’t pour from an empty cup. And to be able to cope with a demanding child, you need to refuel your own cup. Thai will help a lot with the frustration and irritability.

I don't plan to smack, but I think in very exceptional circumstances there may be a place for it.

Apparently when my mum was about 5 she let go of her mum's hand and ran out onto the road. When my Nana got to her my mum got a smack on the back of the hand and was told not to do it again. My mum remembers the incident to this day. I don't think anything else would be as effective. I believe that was the only time she was smacked.
She didn't run out onto a road again.

Pinkyyy
I’m glad you love your culture. In mine it isn’t acceptable. And mine is governed by the law. Laws, which you also have to adhere to. Perhaps you have many wonderful things to offer to society in general or Mumsnet. But not on this thread. Violence is not legal in this country therefore you are on the wrong side of the argument on this one.

kayaking
My mother also used to use that reason for her indignation that I refused to smack - what if dd ran into the road. Dd never did because I had a wrist band when she was small - very much needed. When she got old enough and certainly by 5 dd would not have done this as she had already learnt not being on the wristband was a privilege and behaviour around roads was expected. So no, also not necessary. Again smacking being used in place of discussions and words.

Maybe after you smack her when she goes to her room and calms down, go have a conversation about it and resolve it and get her to understand what she did wrong. Empathise with her. And maybe hug it out.

My mum smacked me as a child and I didn’t at all think she did something wrong

Sorry but travellers wonder why they often get a bad name? Wonder why?

I'm not easily shocked, nor have I lived a sheltered life having grown up on a rough council estate in Liverpool but ffs how quick did it go from saying you hit your kids to then saying "violence" is ok. That's quite a loaded word. I despair for some kids being dragged up like this.

Don't fool yourself that your parenting is superior here, couldn't be further from the truth. Are the girls encouraged to fight too, out of interest?

Seriously skewed set of "morals" at play when it's wrong to steal but ok ( and encouraged ) to be violent

Just because something is in your culture, it doesn't make it the right thing to do.

@rachelfrost yes I have a very long AMA thread which I should probably redirect any questions to, as this is a bit of a de-rail.

@mussolini9 yes I objected to you hitting me, because that's not how it works.

Seriously skewed set of "morals" at play when it's wrong to steal but ok ( and encouraged ) to be violent

And note the “objection” to stealing. Not because it’s inherently wrong, but because it proves you can’t afford things.

@Zoflorabore I haven't said it's superior, just very different. Girls are not encouraged to fight, no.

Pinkyy, an adult needing to fight because they need to do it to protect their home may well be the norm in your culture; but that is a completely different thing to a parent hitting a small child. The former may well be necessary in your culture, but the latter is completely unnecessary.
You say in your culture women aren't to be hit, nor none-travellers; why not start a trend of adding young children to that?

@mussolini9 yes I objected to you hitting me, because that's not how it works.

Oh, but that's EXACTLY how it works @Pinkyyy

Your kids don't like getting hit. But you hit them anyway, because you can.
You don't like getting hit. But I will hit you anyway, because I can.

Do you see now? Or do I need a bigger fist, or stick?

My first memory is of being smacked by my mum. It's not a good memory.

Decide what you want your child's earliest memories to be.

OP smacking may work to address the immediate behaviour but long term its not teaching your dd how to behave for the right reasons. Nor are you fostering a good relationship with her.

How do you speak to your DD? Children learn by example and often will often mirror back to you they way you behave towards them.

I very firmly believe children misbehave to tell you something. Often its because they need some positive attention. Children need to feel loved, secure and have their emotional and physical needs met. However this is not to say there shouldn't be boundaries and, ideally natural, consequences. I think both aspects i.e. positive attention and consequences are needed. It sounds to me like you need to work on the former.

Try the book, How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk if you want to go into this further.

Supernanny books are also good but your DD is perhaps getting a little old. the principals of routine, positive attention and fun as a family in addition to the famous naughty step would still apply.

Pinky is it common for husbands to hit their wives and & children in your community?