To ask for help with smacking?

[BeeLoverBe]

I've name changed for this as I'm clearly going to get flamed but need advice as I cant discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background is, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty I would get a smack on the bum or across the back of the legs.

I smacked my two children when they were toddlers, again not excessively but I did do it. My youngest is now 6 and she is extremely trying with her poor attitude in particular answering me back, acting up and saying horrible things to me.

Yesterday she screamed in my face and for the first time in ages I smacked her. It clearly took her by surprise as she looked shocked and then cried. I felt guilty afterwards and have mixed emotions about it. I have been at the end of my tether with her recently and her behaviour. I have tried the usual naughty step, confiscating things, reward charts etc and nothing works as she doesnt care. I've spoken to her teachers and they say shes not like it at school. So the smacking was me losing my temper out of exhausting all other avenues, which I know I shouldn't have done.

Yesterday she said something really horrible to me and I very nearly smacked her again but didnt. Hence why I'm here to ask for advice and help. It's a taboo subject that no one discusses is RL so in the event that I will get blamed for being an awful mother, I've come here to ask for help

Its very lazy parenting- and tends to involve the parent losing control.

My child has autism and had more challenging behaviour than the average child - but with years of constant teaching about appropriate behaviour he is very well behaved and happy now. Our number one rule is that nobody (including grow ups) can hurt or scare anyone else. If he misbehaves I wait until he calms down and run through what happened and ask him to explain how he should behave next time.

I am not perfect - I have sometimes been too cross with my children when i felt stressed but I apologised to them and said it was wrong of me to lose control.

Pinkyy maybe you should make a change and try and make it not part of your culture???

I've tried all the sending to her room and everything else that the books etc advise. She doesnt care, she will say sorry then back to doing it again the next day.

And so now you think smacking her will work? It's possible you've made things worse for yourself.

Yes I'm teaching them that violence is okay, because in my culture it is
Yet when they start school with the settled community it is not ok, I often feel terrible for the travelling community they way their shunned, but you can't blame people if you believe violence is okay.

Assaulting someone is never, ever okay. Equal Protection from Assault (Scotland) Bill, embodies this ethos that indeed physical punishment towards children and young people, is assault. So you aren't just smacking your child, you are assaulting them.

I was smacked twice as a small child. I’m now 38 and my mum is in her 70s. I recently mentioned one of the smacking incidents light-heartedly as part of a conversation about things that used to happen in the 80s. It doesn’t bother me - my loving upbringing far, far outweighs these two incidents. But I looked over and my mum was crying and asked me not to joke about it as she still feels so guilty about doing it. Do you want to live with that?

Pinkyyy if you are teaching your DC to hit back, then do they hit you? Presumably they do if that's what they are taught. Then I guess you hit them for hitting you...

OP, by asking for help you are acknowledging that smacking is wrong, and ultimately what you don't want to do.

It sounds like part of why your DD is behaving as she does when she is at home is because she gets a reaction from you. I know it's hard, but whenever possible ignore the bad behaviour. Walk away and leave her to it (obviously in the safety of your own home!) and leave her to calm down.

Read some parenting books - look up Gentle Parenting. Talk to your DD when you are both calm and happy and discuss consequences for bad behaviour.

@Underworld345 I don't want to, I love my culture.

@EmeraldShamrock Do you realise that I'm preparing them for a life where fighting is used to resolve disputes? They could lose their home if they don't fight.

There are lots of tricks to get kids to do what you want without getting a rude response. A countdown or count-to-three (possibly with a consequence for not doing it before the end of the coutndown) Races - can you put all the crayons away before I finish the dolls? Enthusiasm (faked) with a running commentary - "Let's put the toys in the box, I'll get the dolls you get the teaset, oh you've found the teapot, great, the plates are all over the floor, can you find any, you got a plate great... ". Simple choices that both work - "cheese or ham sandwich? Red dress or blue skirt? Reading first or counting?" And the endless when/then - "WHEN you have brushed your teeth THEN I will read your bedtime story" "WHEN you have out your shoes on THEN we can go to the park".

Sometimes it helps keep things good tempered if you just mix it up a bit.

Pinkyyy violence might be seen as ok in your culture, but it's also against the law. Do you really want to see your DC end up in prison?

DS is 13, 5'11 and stronger than me. I have never smacked him. If I had how could I argue that he cannot now hit me?

You have no argument against your daughter being horrid if all you do if be awful in response. She's a child.

Walk away from her when she's yelling or whatever. Tell her you will be in the same space as her when she can be nice and talk properly to you.

When she's calm sit down and talk to her about what's not acceptable with her behaviour and what the consequences will be if she does it again.

Also try rewarding the behaviour you want to see as well as punishing that which is not acceptable. We had a box when Ds was little filled with tat he'd like, small bars of chocolate. If he was particularly well behaved he got to choose something from the box.

Pinkyyy I get you are in a hard place, I agree you must be tough to survive as a traveller, but seriously I'd leave my culture behind, I could not raise children knowing one day, they'll be bare knuckle fighting, or a slash hook used on them, knowing they'll beat their wife as it is culture.
In fairness to you it thought Tyson furry to be a champ.
I have my DC is self defensive classes, you can teach them to protect themselves if needed.

I was smacked as a child. The smack itself didn't bother me, stung a bit but was fine after. What did scare me though (and stayed with me) was the look of out of control rage on my mother's face when she came at me. There is a difference between a smack as a punishment and a smack from losing your temper.

Neither are necessary imo.

DS is going through a challenging time at the moment, so I know the instinct to want to smack, as it is when I lose control of the situation. He gets so involved in his temper he doesn't hear anything else and needs to calm down in his own time.

I usually remove one or the other of us from the situation, if it is safe to do so. Wait five minutes and then go in and chat to him about what he has done wrong, about how it felt etc etc .

We are also working on things he can do when he feels that angry and 6 is a good age to start working on those things. DS also says sorry and then might do it again in a few days times, it has taken time but we are getting where his temper is lasting less and less and he is able to hear us.

@Pinkyyy

Interesting how radical what you’re saying is. Reminds me of talking to a traveler who was saying ‘of course we steal stuff, those rules aren’t for us’. Like you say the problem is that traveler socialisation is (Deliberately? Necessarily?) in opposition to British social norms.

Of course I wouldn’t let me kids go anywhere near yours

Stop hitting your children OP, it’s disgusting

@Illberidingshotgun travellers don't call the police on eachother, so it isn't likely to land them in prison.

@EmeraldShamrock I encourage mine to practice bare Knuckle fighting. But hitting your wife is not acceptable- that's a false stereotype. Tyson Fury is a great example.

@rachelfrost I don't agree with stealing, all it proves is that you can't afford things. Though my children would probably never hit a non-traveller child, that's not really okay.

Though my children would probably never hit a non-traveller child, that's not really okay

Yeah if you can only say “probably” you’ve got a problem.

Kids learn by example.

If you hit your kid they might learn:
to hurt vulnerable people
to lose their temper and lash out
to coldly harm those who upset them
to ignore the cause of trouble and punish the symptom
And so on.

If you feel happy with who you are and how you feel when you hurt your child then it’s okay to hit them. Remember they’re watching and learning how to deal with the world.

If you don’t like doing it then there are lots of other parenting strategies available which have better success rates.

I don't agree with smacking for a number of reasons, not least it isn't effective, it sends a message that you use aggression to get what you want etc. However you even admit you are not using it as a form of discipline, you are hitting your child because you lose your temper. Use honest language like that and see how you feel about yourself. Seek parenting classes or support from the school, she behaves there so she is capable.

Yes I'm teaching them that violence is okay, because in my culture it is

Well... there's something wrong with your culture then. So you have a spat with someone and so you knock seven bells out of them; you hit your children; you teach them violence; nothing wrong with hitting your wife if she doesn't toe the line etc etc. Great culture that is....
Not.

I once smacked one of my DCs when she was little. She is now 28. I've never forgotten it, I still feel guilt now. It's the only time I did this and wish I hadn't.

The problem is, OP, that one smack is often not enough. You said yourself that you gave her a smack. That shook her up. But then you nearly smacked her again yesterday. The thing is, you're learning that smacking her gets a reaction - she's taken aback so, presumably, stops misbehaving. But it's only for a while. Then she does something else and your reaction is to smack again (though you stopped yourself this time). Smacking can become a habit (I left my first husband because of DV - he realised the way to 'keep me in check' was to lash out because it made me scared of him. It didn't get any respect. All it did was end our marriage)

Other people on here have said you need to stop darting about with the discipline. Choose a couple of things and keep with them. DS hated the naughty step because 2 or 3 minutes is a lifetime to a toddler. So, by the time he was four years old we only had to mention it and give a slow count of 3 and he'd stop.

Now he's 12 and getting 'mouthy' like all pre-teenagers, our favourite method is to speak gently when he shouts (not easy!) Not a whisper, just a normal voice but a bit lower - like there's someone on the phone in the next room and you don't want your voice to travel. He has to shut up to be able to hear what we're saying - then he calms down because there's no shouting - from us or him.

And if you're sending her to her room make sure it's boring - send her somewhere she doesn't have access to a good book or toys. We're lucky enough to have a separate living room so we'd send Ds in there rather than his room. No TV just sit in the room. A couple of minutes of that made him think and it's enough now to say 'one more time mate and you're in the living room, no TV' for him to just take it down a notch.

And don't forget to speak to her about her behaviour when she's being good. Point out that you think she's behaving well, say things like 'does it feel better than when we're arguing' 'that's because you've helped me/kept your temper/tidied up - it's nice isn't it?' then give her a hug. Or 'that's the way you should always try to handle things that annoy you/make you angry/upset you' - that sort of thing. Kids don't always know the best way to behave. It's fine telling them off but don't forget to praise the good behaviour too - so they know what is appropriate.

A few years ago I was visiting a large American city and went to the city zoo for the day. Whilst sitting in an open air cafe I saw a Hispanic (relevant) lady practically beat the living daylights out of her 6 or 7 year old son because he wouldn’t eat. The dad was there too and he just carried on munching his sandwich.

I was utterly shocked and unsure what to do. I don’t speak Spanish and this woman was terrifying tbh. The kid continued not to eat so she started on him again. Big hearty thumps and and slaps.

By a stroke of luck a (white - again relevant) police officer was nearby having been called to help with a minor first aid injury. I went to the officer and explained and he looked at me as if I were mad - his response? “That’s what they do those people - they beat their kids. It’s just how it is”

I was incredulous - and told him they would be jailed in the UK for beating a child like that. He said “Those people have no respect and are no better than animals. We don’t get involved it’s just how they bring up their kids”

I’ve never forgotten this - the racism from the officer, the violence from the mother and the haunted face of a little boy who should’ve been laughing his way round the zoo.

Violence is never the answer - there is always another way. Don’t let it become ‘normal’ in our culture like it is in others.

@Pinkyyy

Have you ever posted an ‘ask me anything’? You sound like you’ve got the balls for it.