Is this stalking?

[boymum9]

Back in January I posted this thread: (long story short dh and I were going through some issues, he ended up sexually assaulting me while I was asleep, he separated, he stayed living in the house from jan-beginning on April when he moved out)

Possible assault from husband http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3487105-possible-assault-from-husband

Since him moving out some of his behaviour has been very questionable and I'm at point where I just don't know what to do, he's an extremely abrasive and also sensitive in that he takes every comment extremely personally and twists everything I will ever say so it makes it near on impossible to have an adult conversation with him. A little background is that I went on a date with someone I met after he'd moved out and we're now "seeing each other", getting to know each other better, how ever you want to put it, we get on great and he's a lovely calming understanding presence to be in after the last 7 months of difficult stuff!!

1. The first night he had the 2 DC's (3&1) he woke them at mightnight and put them in the car and drove over to my house to see if I was home (i wasn't) he then questioned me the next day about what time I was home, I said I thought it was around midnight but wasn't sure (think I was actually home around 12.30 but wasn't thinking I was being quizzed so to speak!) he kept repeating that I was lying to me and wouldn't tell me how he knew, although eventually later in the day I asked if he'd come over to check on me and he told me he had.

1. A few weeks later when he had the boys again I got back from being out for dinner at about 10.30pm and when I pulled up I noticed his car parked outside my house, I went and looked in and no one was there, went into the house and no one there, went back out and car was gone, I drove over to his and asked him what was going on, it turned out he'd smoked weed (?!! Not something I've done or known him to have done, that's not ever been a part of our lives, not really drinkers either) and left the boys in his house asleep and drove to mine to see if I was there!!!!

1. One night I could hear someone at my window (old sash windows and could hear the noise of it being tried to be opened) I eventually plucked up the courage to look behind the blind and there was a man there who ran off, I was understandably spooked and my immediate reaction was to ring ex dh and ask if it was him and told him what happened, he said it wasn't him and came straight over and offered to stay if I felt uncomfortable, I agreed to this because I was very uncomfortable, but the more I thought about it the more I felt it could have been him, the person was trying to open the window by moving it slightly for over 5 minutes, it was unlocked, it could have easily been slid up in a second by someone trying to break in. (I had DC's this night)

1. Last night (I had DC's) and I got a two texts in quick succession, first one asking if dh could come and pick something up from the house and second saying "I'm sorry I sent this 20 minutes ago but I'm outside now is that ok?", I said yes and he came in, under the pretence of wanting to pick this thing up but proceeded to check around the house and question if as to whether someone was there (they weren't), he was saying things like "well it looks like someone's been laying on the bed", well yes I have because it's 11pm...! He looked under the bed and in bathrooms, laundry room etc etc, then he said "well I saw him leaving" (the man I am seeing) which he obviously didn't because he wasn't here!

There are multiple questionable ways he's acted since moving out I'm not sure what to do, he actually had gone around the house to look in my bedroom window one time when we were still living together but separated to see what I was doing.

I don't know what to do or say now, I'm not sure of my next step. I know he's upset about the split (which was actually due to multiple lies he'd told, emotional affair on his part, turns out he'd been trying to have sex with someone and went awol for two days, said that he never slept with her but I don't believe that), I ended up being extremely down and sad always, no motivation, lost a lot of happiness, always felt insecure and like I couldn't trust him and it got to the point where I felt I needed to end it for my sanity, and since he's moved out, despite these issues I'm so so much happier, everyone has noticed a difference and I feel my life has changed for the better!

Sorry for the long thread! I just don't know what to do anymore!?

He sounds really dangerous. You are at your most vulnerable now while he feels he is losing control. Please call women’s aid or the police for advice. This is really serious.

This is extremely worrying OP. I think you need to write down everything that has happened in as much detail as you can remember and then report this to the police. Even if it’s not enough for them to charge him (and it may be - I don’t know) it would be very sensible for them to be aware of your concerns.

In the meantime, I would also be investing in locks for your windows and some motion sensor floodlights outside the house. Perhaps even cctv.

It's none of his business if you are seeing someone OP. Don't share this information with him. He's using it against you. He sounds controlling. Next time something happens don't call him, call the police.

@CatPunsFreakMeowt @PanteneProV @GodDammitAmy thank you for your replies, he found out I was seeing someone because took my phone off me and for 4 hours wouldn't give it back until I unlocked it and he could read my messages. He then found out who the man was and went into his work place the next morning to try and find him

Call the police and change your locks.

Of course this is stalking, please get help as pp suggest

As others have said - your DH is dangerous. Yes it is stalking.

I'm surprised no one has picked up on this bit the boyts are 31* and
left the boys in his house asleep and drove to mine to see if I was there!!!! - he left toddlers ALONE ???

You need to see the police.

As others have said - your DH is dangerous. Yes it is stalking.

I'm surprised no one has picked up on this bit the boys are 3&1 and left the boys in his house asleep and drove to mine to see if I was there!!!! - he left toddlers ALONE ???

You need to see the police

Jesus OP, this reads like one of those Chanel five, day time thrillers! This man shouldn’t even be in your house. As a PP has said, change all your locks, get locks for the windows, get a recording security camera. The cameras are very cheap now. He isn’t getting your children out if bed to check on you, he’s leaving those vulnerable little souls ALONE at night, because his need to control you is more important than their safety and wellbeing. You need to contact 101 for advice and start keeping a record. If you left your children alone, like he’s OBVIOUSLY doing, SS would have them removed from you.

OP how long have you been seeing this other person?

Tell him he’s no longer permitted to enter the house and phone the police if he does.

Start keeping a log (including every incident to date) and go to see the Police ASAP.

Your ExDH sounds on the edge and I suspect that statistically you are at high risk of DV despite being separated.

He sounds deluded, desperate and dangerous. A really, really concerning combination!!!

OP how long have you been seeing this other person?

IT DOESN’T MATTER!

Even if, and I know she wasn’t, the OP was having an affair with this new man, this has nothing to do with what he is doing.

As others have said log it all, keep him away from you and get legal advice and support.
My cheating ex also did this for 2 years, luckily we had no kids to tie us together but he constantly rang me at odd hours to catch me out with someone. I moved into a work address and when I left there I was married with a name change, I'm sure he tried to find me while I was hidden. 20 yrs on I still have the odd thought he might just pop up.

BTW, OP I know that it’s possible to download systems into phones, laptops, etc that can spy on you, so I would recommend checking your communication devices for such things or asking one of the local computer/phone repair shops to do it. This man sounds capable of anything.

You need to contact the police and also get cctv and locks for the windows.

I'd also be concerned about him having your children. He left them all alone in their beds to come and check on you?! He sounds like the kind of person that could harm them to get back at you.

Your point 2. So he left a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old alone in the house while checking up on you. Are you sure that he should be having them at all. I would mention that as well when reporting him to police.

Please call the police. This man has been making you doubt yourself for years so I can understand why you'd be unsure and need to ask. It is stalking, it could escalate, please call the police and protect yourself from any danger. He's put your children in danger as well, that needs to be logged. Focus on protecting them if you begin to doubt yourself.

Don't answer any questions about your personal life or if you were home at x time. Remind him 'that's none of your concern anymore'.
Do report all of these incidents to the police as it is harassment.
Thimk about if he is up to having overnights. I think he left them alone at least twice. The first time he said he took them with him, but he only admitted the second time because you caught him without the children. How many other times has he done it and not been caught?
The drug driving (wwhen leaving the toddlers home alone) is really very comcerning. Maybe get some advice from ss or a solicitor about supervised visitation for now.

He sounds quite insane OP :S I would be worrying for the kids as he doesnt seem right in the head

I don't want to sound alarmist, OP, but I've read so many stories of fathers displaying this sort of behaviour and then it escalating to serious assault or even murder. It might seem out of character from the man you married, but I would call the police today and stop visitation immediately until he can prove he's not a danger to you and your children.

he is extremely dangerous.

He is the sort to hurt your DC to get to you. he needs serious help. As yea we have all been dumped before and sometimes harshly but normal people don't do this. If I was you I would make it supervised access, regular mental assessments and any dangerous behaviour logged, Drug tests too.

You don't want to be trapped in your house with him, you see stories of men who lost their marbles on the news where they kill their whole family then themselves. A man like yours is very capable of it.

This is so worrying. Please contact the police. Also warn the new man you are seeing so that he is on his guard/monitoring all contacts from the ex too.

I think like most others have said, you need to contact the Police - ASAP. The behaviour is escalating, he woke the children up at midnight to see what you were doing, then he left them alone, to see what you were doing.

He is being irrational and his drive to find out about you and your whereabouts is taking over his ability to make sensible decisions when he has the children.

I'd suggest getting some motion activated spot lights so you can clearly see who's moving around outside and he knows you can see him.

Talk to police and make them aware of what he's doing and your fear for your safety.