Is this stalking?

[boymum9]

Back in January I posted this thread: (long story short dh and I were going through some issues, he ended up sexually assaulting me while I was asleep, he separated, he stayed living in the house from jan-beginning on April when he moved out)

Possible assault from husband http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3487105-possible-assault-from-husband

Since him moving out some of his behaviour has been very questionable and I'm at point where I just don't know what to do, he's an extremely abrasive and also sensitive in that he takes every comment extremely personally and twists everything I will ever say so it makes it near on impossible to have an adult conversation with him. A little background is that I went on a date with someone I met after he'd moved out and we're now "seeing each other", getting to know each other better, how ever you want to put it, we get on great and he's a lovely calming understanding presence to be in after the last 7 months of difficult stuff!!

1. The first night he had the 2 DC's (3&1) he woke them at mightnight and put them in the car and drove over to my house to see if I was home (i wasn't) he then questioned me the next day about what time I was home, I said I thought it was around midnight but wasn't sure (think I was actually home around 12.30 but wasn't thinking I was being quizzed so to speak!) he kept repeating that I was lying to me and wouldn't tell me how he knew, although eventually later in the day I asked if he'd come over to check on me and he told me he had.

1. A few weeks later when he had the boys again I got back from being out for dinner at about 10.30pm and when I pulled up I noticed his car parked outside my house, I went and looked in and no one was there, went into the house and no one there, went back out and car was gone, I drove over to his and asked him what was going on, it turned out he'd smoked weed (?!! Not something I've done or known him to have done, that's not ever been a part of our lives, not really drinkers either) and left the boys in his house asleep and drove to mine to see if I was there!!!!

1. One night I could hear someone at my window (old sash windows and could hear the noise of it being tried to be opened) I eventually plucked up the courage to look behind the blind and there was a man there who ran off, I was understandably spooked and my immediate reaction was to ring ex dh and ask if it was him and told him what happened, he said it wasn't him and came straight over and offered to stay if I felt uncomfortable, I agreed to this because I was very uncomfortable, but the more I thought about it the more I felt it could have been him, the person was trying to open the window by moving it slightly for over 5 minutes, it was unlocked, it could have easily been slid up in a second by someone trying to break in. (I had DC's this night)

1. Last night (I had DC's) and I got a two texts in quick succession, first one asking if dh could come and pick something up from the house and second saying "I'm sorry I sent this 20 minutes ago but I'm outside now is that ok?", I said yes and he came in, under the pretence of wanting to pick this thing up but proceeded to check around the house and question if as to whether someone was there (they weren't), he was saying things like "well it looks like someone's been laying on the bed", well yes I have because it's 11pm...! He looked under the bed and in bathrooms, laundry room etc etc, then he said "well I saw him leaving" (the man I am seeing) which he obviously didn't because he wasn't here!

There are multiple questionable ways he's acted since moving out I'm not sure what to do, he actually had gone around the house to look in my bedroom window one time when we were still living together but separated to see what I was doing.

I don't know what to do or say now, I'm not sure of my next step. I know he's upset about the split (which was actually due to multiple lies he'd told, emotional affair on his part, turns out he'd been trying to have sex with someone and went awol for two days, said that he never slept with her but I don't believe that), I ended up being extremely down and sad always, no motivation, lost a lot of happiness, always felt insecure and like I couldn't trust him and it got to the point where I felt I needed to end it for my sanity, and since he's moved out, despite these issues I'm so so much happier, everyone has noticed a difference and I feel my life has changed for the better!

Sorry for the long thread! I just don't know what to do anymore!?

OP I know it must feel shit that people are getting cross with you but I promise it's coming from a good place.

Imagine if he hurt your kids. Imagine living with that. You'd be broken, devastated beyond belief and you'd never forgive yourself for not getting the authorities involved before it was too late.

Please at least call women's aid and talk things through with them, they are experts and will be able to tell you if you need to get the police involved.

Please OP, we can't bear the thought of you not acting soon enough and something awful happening.

Do you feel able to call women's aid?

He’s not the man you married. Yes when a relationship ends it’s horrible. But many people deal with it without doing what your ex is doing to you. Please report this as this isn’t normal. Install motion activated lights, doorbell and some form of camera. You need to think of the worst case scenario here. He’s think he had a right to touch you whilst you were asleep, what do you think he could be capable of now you’re not together. These aren’t the actions of an unhappy man, these are the actions of a dangerous man. The police will have a procedure in place for this. Please do not leave it. He’s manipulative and clearly quite a damaged and deranged individual.

I'm going to be harsh here too OP

'I don't feel like I'm at a place where I can call the police just yet.'

He left your 1yo and 3yo alone in a house, drove to your house and then not only drove again under the influence of drugs but back to the place your children were under his care. Call the police and if I'm honest I wouldn't be allowing him any kind of access to the children.

His behaviour is escalating, its threatening, controlling and scary. You have suspicions he was trying to break in while you were asleep.

Stop making excuses, this is going to be hard, but for your safety and that of your babies call the police now.

If you do not Safeguard your children, Social Services will, and as it looks to us, you are well aware of the danger you are in, and the danger you children are in, yet your refusing to do anything about it.

Police without question

You don’t think he will resort to violence? A year ago, did you think he was capable of repeatedly sexually assaulting you?

Why do you think it’s going to get better in time? History shows you that his abuse only gets worse.

This needs to become a police matter, you need to safeguard your children. This man could be capable of anything and it seems like you are trying to protect him. He does things that "normal" people wouldn't, he sexually assaulted you which is a criminal matter in it's own right.
We aren't against you, we just want you to do right by your children and yourself.

Pick up the phone. Dial the police. Tell them all this.

OP, when men murder or severely injure their partners or children, it’s not the first thing they do. There’s a build up, and that build up generally looks like what youve posted here. Read information about cases where women have been murdered. You will recognise things.

What are you scared will happen if you go to the police?

OP i would say your first concern is your children! Please don't tell me you've let him have them after you know that he left them ALONE to check up on you! Call them police and get a restraining order or even better call a woman's refuge. I don't feel you're safe tbh. It will escalate as soon as he realises you are doing something about his behaviour and stopping him seeing his children. SS may become involve if they find out he is leaving them alone and you knew about it.

OP since read further updates, he's totally out of control, if you don't go to the police you're failing your children. Sorry that's blunt but it's true.

OP you're living in denial and minimising his behaviour, exactly what effect are you worried about calling the police will have? Perhaps this will help you to wake up about how dangerous his behaviour is.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society-professionals/2014/dec/10/domestic-abuse-risk-trying-leave-housing-community

You are too emotionally invested in this man.
You don't need to try and understand him.
You need a safe distance from him.
He is stalking you.
He is unsafe.
He needs to be told to stay away from you by the police.
Yes, it would be lovely for your children to have a happy relationship with their daddy. But unfortunately, from what you've said, he isn't a particularly great role model.
Leaving young children alone at night?????
That's appalling.
Police. Police. Police.
Social services.
Court.
Supervised contact.
Time and distance.

Men kill children to punish women who have left them. Two women a week are killed by current or ex partners. What you describe is the behaviour of a man who might easily do either of these things.

He thinks he's entitled to stalk and harass you and your new DP. If he thinks this appalling criminal behaviour is justified who knows what else he'll feel he has a right to do?

I really think you need to stop dithering and call the police. This is serious stuff.

If you don't inform the police and he did harm your DC how would you feel? You need to put the DC first.

Your judgement has been affected by this man's abuse so you cannot rely on it.
Try to think of this in terms of regulations- you are required to safeguard your children. To do this, you need to report his behaviour to the police. This will fulfil your legal obligation. You will be helped, supported and protected if you do this. If you do not do this, then you will have to bear the consequences and they do not bear thinking about. My child was not murdered, but I can tell you as a parent who has walked behind her child's coffin that it is a position you should be willing to walk through fire to avoid being in yourself.
Your children trust you. Prove them right.

Oh my please get some good CCTV, door and window locks (including changing the locks to your front door), a chain, a security alarm, a ring doorbell, write down all incidents up until now and please call none emergency police so there is an existing record of his antics.

the fact that you met at 16 is not a surprised as you still sound very much in the fog and probably still have not come to terms with how controlling and abusive your relationship was and still is

Police and non mol order OP - he is a dangerous man. He is sex obsessed as well in a very unhealthy way

Then change the locks

The person you are seeing should also report the stalking as well

What would it take for it to be “bad enough” for you to go to the police?

He’s already sexually assaulted you.
He’s already neglected your children.

So what more would he have to do for you to think he has crossed the line?

What would make you say, “enough is enough”?

Btw, I know this from having an abusive ex. He doesn’t respect you for being “nice” or “kind” or “understanding”. He laughs at you with contempt for being weak and letting him get away with it. The more you let slide and try to appease him, the more he’ll do.

Why haven't you called the police about this? You are doing your children a major disservice here. Please take action. And do it now. This is worrying and I feel it will end badly.

Thank you for replies, will obviously now be going to the police and speaking with someone. Thank you

Please change the locks op if you haven't already...

So glad you are going to the police! His behaviour is exactly the kind of thing you read about men doing right before they murder their ex and kids. Even if he doesn't actively seek to harm anyone, if there had been a house fire when he left your kids alone, they would have died. He cannot be allowed to continue risking their lives.

@boymum9 well done OP you're doing the right thing and it's so hard but will be so worth it.

Do you have an inside chain on your doors so that even with a key there's an extra layer of security? Would be really worth it for your sake of mind at such a horrible time.

Please contact the police. This man is scary! Also, I wouldn't be leaving the kids alone with them if he leaves them alone at 3 years old!

Can you at least make a diary of all the things he's done?

As an outsider, this is extremely worrying and I'm genuinely concerned he's going to end up hurting you or your boys if you do not take action now. He's clearly unstable to have left his small children alone!