Is this stalking?

[boymum9]

Back in January I posted this thread: (long story short dh and I were going through some issues, he ended up sexually assaulting me while I was asleep, he separated, he stayed living in the house from jan-beginning on April when he moved out)

Possible assault from husband http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3487105-possible-assault-from-husband

Since him moving out some of his behaviour has been very questionable and I'm at point where I just don't know what to do, he's an extremely abrasive and also sensitive in that he takes every comment extremely personally and twists everything I will ever say so it makes it near on impossible to have an adult conversation with him. A little background is that I went on a date with someone I met after he'd moved out and we're now "seeing each other", getting to know each other better, how ever you want to put it, we get on great and he's a lovely calming understanding presence to be in after the last 7 months of difficult stuff!!

1. The first night he had the 2 DC's (3&1) he woke them at mightnight and put them in the car and drove over to my house to see if I was home (i wasn't) he then questioned me the next day about what time I was home, I said I thought it was around midnight but wasn't sure (think I was actually home around 12.30 but wasn't thinking I was being quizzed so to speak!) he kept repeating that I was lying to me and wouldn't tell me how he knew, although eventually later in the day I asked if he'd come over to check on me and he told me he had.

1. A few weeks later when he had the boys again I got back from being out for dinner at about 10.30pm and when I pulled up I noticed his car parked outside my house, I went and looked in and no one was there, went into the house and no one there, went back out and car was gone, I drove over to his and asked him what was going on, it turned out he'd smoked weed (?!! Not something I've done or known him to have done, that's not ever been a part of our lives, not really drinkers either) and left the boys in his house asleep and drove to mine to see if I was there!!!!

1. One night I could hear someone at my window (old sash windows and could hear the noise of it being tried to be opened) I eventually plucked up the courage to look behind the blind and there was a man there who ran off, I was understandably spooked and my immediate reaction was to ring ex dh and ask if it was him and told him what happened, he said it wasn't him and came straight over and offered to stay if I felt uncomfortable, I agreed to this because I was very uncomfortable, but the more I thought about it the more I felt it could have been him, the person was trying to open the window by moving it slightly for over 5 minutes, it was unlocked, it could have easily been slid up in a second by someone trying to break in. (I had DC's this night)

1. Last night (I had DC's) and I got a two texts in quick succession, first one asking if dh could come and pick something up from the house and second saying "I'm sorry I sent this 20 minutes ago but I'm outside now is that ok?", I said yes and he came in, under the pretence of wanting to pick this thing up but proceeded to check around the house and question if as to whether someone was there (they weren't), he was saying things like "well it looks like someone's been laying on the bed", well yes I have because it's 11pm...! He looked under the bed and in bathrooms, laundry room etc etc, then he said "well I saw him leaving" (the man I am seeing) which he obviously didn't because he wasn't here!

There are multiple questionable ways he's acted since moving out I'm not sure what to do, he actually had gone around the house to look in my bedroom window one time when we were still living together but separated to see what I was doing.

I don't know what to do or say now, I'm not sure of my next step. I know he's upset about the split (which was actually due to multiple lies he'd told, emotional affair on his part, turns out he'd been trying to have sex with someone and went awol for two days, said that he never slept with her but I don't believe that), I ended up being extremely down and sad always, no motivation, lost a lot of happiness, always felt insecure and like I couldn't trust him and it got to the point where I felt I needed to end it for my sanity, and since he's moved out, despite these issues I'm so so much happier, everyone has noticed a difference and I feel my life has changed for the better!

Sorry for the long thread! I just don't know what to do anymore!?

You need to contact social services and let them know. I would in the short term refuse him having the children overnight. I know that may impact on your relationship but you have got to put the children first.
My mother’s friend was murdered as her friends ex at the time saw a shadow through her window, thought it was a man, broke in and killed her - leaving there baby mother and fatherless.
You need to be very very careful and it’s time for the police and social services.

I am so relieved to hear your update. You can't control his behaviour but you're doing what you can to protect your DC, as well as yourself and new DP. Good for you. I know this is hard.

I’m glad you’ve updated to say you’re going to talk to the police. This man is dangerous and I think you need someone (police, women’s aid) to really lay it on the line for you that what he’s doing is abusive and that you don’t have to put up with it.

I wouldn’t let him have the kids at all for now. He can’t be trusted with them. He left them on their own so he could go out and stalk and harass their mother after all.

Sounds like such a scary situation to be in, OP, and must be very hard to call the police on someone you’ve shared so much of your life with. But you have to protect yourself and your boys. Stay safe xx

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet I’m so sorry for your loss. Your post made me well up

@boymum9
How did your chat with the police go?

OP, I suspect you still think those posting here are overreacting because we don’t know him, you believe deep down he’s not a bad person really. This is how abusers get away with their abuse. Trying to minimise his actions is a normal response but it’s also a dangerous one.

Please speak to Women’s Aid, and be totally honest about what’s happened - their reaction will tell you everything.

I’m going to be harsh too - I hope you have already informed the police by now, if not you’re just putting your own children at further risk. If you can’t protect yourself, at least protect them. Your/his feelings being hurt doesn’t matter at all, his behaviour is terribly concerning and it seems like until you posted on here, you had just been making excuses for him.

OP I spend most of my time in the criminal courts and I see people prosecuted for much less than this.

You must contact the police. Even if they don’t take action immediately, the record of his behaviour could be key to any future prosection.

Depends what county you live in. In Scotland this is not legally classed as stalking.

In Scotland, you can be charged with stalking if there are two instances of stalking behaviour. Parking outside her house to watch when she comes home wouldn't surely count? If not, then you've got more than 2 instances of harassment so he could be charged with that.

Public roadway... people can park where they like

surely the motivation behind being there is taken into account. Where I live, it certainly is.

OP this man is chilling. I understand you don’t know anything different and we don’t know him like you know him... but I assure you that every single alarm bell is ringing. I hope you did talk to the police.

To prove the crime of stalking/harassment you must be able to prove you have told the person to desist from their actions (lengthy text msg is best as it shows time and date). The person then needs to ignore your request 2 or more times, at which point the crime is complete and they can be charged. You need to have proof of the twice they have ignored you, witnesses, text msgs etc. You can then back if up with back ground material. This is the most clear cut way to prove the crime.

This post gave me the chills. 100% seek police advice and women’s aid or similar organisation. He is displaying signs of staking and also being very controlling and emotionally abusive. You can also download an app called brightsky which is brilliant and is secretly disguised as a weather app. Lots of useful info, journal feature and gives you list of places to get help based on your location. Stay safe x

I hope you've been to the police and you and your kids have support.

You need to report this to protect your DC.

@Laurenk474 that's not quite how it works - police actually dint recommend engaging at all if you can avoid it if there is dv/abuse involved

OP - sending you a handhold

Calling the police must feel as if you are escalating the situation massively.

You are not. You are reacting appropriately to him escalating the situation massively.

It's all scarey shit.

Please tell someone in RealLife ASAP (the Police! the Police!)

How are you?
It sounds absolutely creepy!
When else does he come into your house? Whilst you're asleep...?
He sounds very dangerous. Like he's obsessed and can flip at any time. I hope you've told the police. X

This has sent shivers down my spine. This is literally how it happens when you then see on the news “husband kills wife and child, then self”.

Please get help. Terrifying.

Please protect yourself and your children.

Wishing you well

How are things going OP?

@isthisfairidontknow thank you for wondering how things were!

Things are ok, better, I logged everything with the police which he is aware of and his behaviour since has been a lot better regarding anything "weird".

There's some questionable things he's done like still talking to people who know my new partner, he spread two blatant lies which got back to new partner and myself and new partner had to sit down and speak to all his employees concerned. (I am aware who ridiculous this all is and I feel like I'm at school...! Very surprise my partner hasn't run a mile already, but he's dealing with it all very maturely!)

Also we tend to always FaceTime children before bed and in the mornings (most mornings) and I suppose out of respect and also normality for the boys I've always made sure without fail that I am at home alone when speaking to them, at least just for now, I feel like it's more comfortable for everyone, 4 year old won't ask questions, seems more normal etc, but he just FaceTimed them from someone else's bed...!!

With regards to the face timing twice a day. This too is controlling. I did this, mainly for a quiet life. It was ridiculous, 6.30 every morning and evening. He questioned me, asked who was there, tried to question my then 2 yr old son. I dropped the mornings as we were out the door by 7am in the morning and I just didn't have time. The evening one I kept up for a while and refused to engage or even let him see me. He lost interest and it infuriated him. I dropped that too after another incident that proved to me this was him grasping on just an ounce of information he could get about me. Now my son gets an evening call only and I try to engage very little and leave the room.

That FaceTime is ridiculous. It’s just another way for him to check in on you twice a day.
Come on OP. Wake UP.