Is this stalking?

[boymum9]

Back in January I posted this thread: (long story short dh and I were going through some issues, he ended up sexually assaulting me while I was asleep, he separated, he stayed living in the house from jan-beginning on April when he moved out)

Possible assault from husband http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3487105-possible-assault-from-husband

Since him moving out some of his behaviour has been very questionable and I'm at point where I just don't know what to do, he's an extremely abrasive and also sensitive in that he takes every comment extremely personally and twists everything I will ever say so it makes it near on impossible to have an adult conversation with him. A little background is that I went on a date with someone I met after he'd moved out and we're now "seeing each other", getting to know each other better, how ever you want to put it, we get on great and he's a lovely calming understanding presence to be in after the last 7 months of difficult stuff!!

1. The first night he had the 2 DC's (3&1) he woke them at mightnight and put them in the car and drove over to my house to see if I was home (i wasn't) he then questioned me the next day about what time I was home, I said I thought it was around midnight but wasn't sure (think I was actually home around 12.30 but wasn't thinking I was being quizzed so to speak!) he kept repeating that I was lying to me and wouldn't tell me how he knew, although eventually later in the day I asked if he'd come over to check on me and he told me he had.

1. A few weeks later when he had the boys again I got back from being out for dinner at about 10.30pm and when I pulled up I noticed his car parked outside my house, I went and looked in and no one was there, went into the house and no one there, went back out and car was gone, I drove over to his and asked him what was going on, it turned out he'd smoked weed (?!! Not something I've done or known him to have done, that's not ever been a part of our lives, not really drinkers either) and left the boys in his house asleep and drove to mine to see if I was there!!!!

1. One night I could hear someone at my window (old sash windows and could hear the noise of it being tried to be opened) I eventually plucked up the courage to look behind the blind and there was a man there who ran off, I was understandably spooked and my immediate reaction was to ring ex dh and ask if it was him and told him what happened, he said it wasn't him and came straight over and offered to stay if I felt uncomfortable, I agreed to this because I was very uncomfortable, but the more I thought about it the more I felt it could have been him, the person was trying to open the window by moving it slightly for over 5 minutes, it was unlocked, it could have easily been slid up in a second by someone trying to break in. (I had DC's this night)

1. Last night (I had DC's) and I got a two texts in quick succession, first one asking if dh could come and pick something up from the house and second saying "I'm sorry I sent this 20 minutes ago but I'm outside now is that ok?", I said yes and he came in, under the pretence of wanting to pick this thing up but proceeded to check around the house and question if as to whether someone was there (they weren't), he was saying things like "well it looks like someone's been laying on the bed", well yes I have because it's 11pm...! He looked under the bed and in bathrooms, laundry room etc etc, then he said "well I saw him leaving" (the man I am seeing) which he obviously didn't because he wasn't here!

There are multiple questionable ways he's acted since moving out I'm not sure what to do, he actually had gone around the house to look in my bedroom window one time when we were still living together but separated to see what I was doing.

I don't know what to do or say now, I'm not sure of my next step. I know he's upset about the split (which was actually due to multiple lies he'd told, emotional affair on his part, turns out he'd been trying to have sex with someone and went awol for two days, said that he never slept with her but I don't believe that), I ended up being extremely down and sad always, no motivation, lost a lot of happiness, always felt insecure and like I couldn't trust him and it got to the point where I felt I needed to end it for my sanity, and since he's moved out, despite these issues I'm so so much happier, everyone has noticed a difference and I feel my life has changed for the better!

Sorry for the long thread! I just don't know what to do anymore!?

Why are you giving him access to your home? To your phone? I think you need advice on how to give your children safe access to him too.

Have you phoned the police? Please update us.

My friend was stalked by her ex, nowhere near on the scale that you are being stalked (he drove past her house lots, posted notes through her door, knocked on hers, shouted through the letter box, knocked on mine to see if she was at mine).

The police took it very seriously, got a statement from her in her house, tried numerous times to get hold of him at his house and when they did manage to get him, gave him a good talking to and issued him with a warning.

I echo what other posters have said that this man sounds dangerous. He's already left his D.C. alone in the house and gone to stalk you whilst stoned. I'm afraid that he could be one of those people who would be prepared to hurt his kids to get back at his ex. He clearly thinks he owns you all. It should be contact centre only.

You should report him to the Police, OP.

Don't leave your kids with him. Legal advice asap. Can you move? Go no contact and supervised access for kids.
Yes, tell police.

He was emotionally and psychologically abusive in the relationship and when you started to murmur about ending it, he escalated to sexual violence. Now it’s ended he’s escalated to stalking, harassment and endangering his own children.

This mans abusive behavior is on an upwards trajectory and you and your children are in considerable danger. The best advice has already been given - police and women’s aid ASAP, but I just wanted to add my voice to assist you in seeing the urgency of your situation. I know it’s tempting to bury your head in the sand and hope he just loses interest but that’s how these things typically pan out.

My stbxh did these sorts of things after I he left - parking outside, phoning to see where I was, driving past. I kept the door double locked so he couldn't get back in as I understood that it was illegal to change the locks. In the end, he threatened to move back in ( I knew it was so he could continue to control me) so I went to court to get an occupation order. Both solicitor and barrister said that with all the pages of evidence I had about his behaviour that I should also go for a non molestation order and just go ahead and change the locks as they have never known a judge to order them to be changed back under the circumstances.

I didn't phone the police but regret that now and particularly when he arrived with a friend, thinking I wasn't at home and tried to break in.

Please protect your children (mine were older and so could tell me what was happening), go to the police and keep a diary of everything he does. The diary may take some time to back date with as much as you can remember but will be invaluable as evidence. I started a Word document and c&p screen shots of emails and text messages, all dated, along with descriptions of what he had done.

Good luck OP. You do not need to justify seeing a new man. You are perfectly entitled to do so. You are also entitled to live in peace and without harassment from your XH.

Thank you for everyone's replies. To be honest I'm a bit shocked and annoyed with myself that I maybe haven't taken things as seriously as I possibly should have.

If someone had told me that the person I've known for 15 years would have acted like this before I would have laughed in their face and bet my life that wouldn't have been the case. I'm still struggling to connect the person I knew to the way he's acting now, I do believe a lot of how he's acting is due to struggling a lot with the relationship breakdown. Multiple people have said that it's crazy that I hadn't seen actually how manipulative and controlling he had been during our relationship, it was all done in very subtle ways and not in an obvious nasty way.

I have been seeing a councillor for the past few months and that's really given me the strength of go forward confidently in the ways that I have and been clear with him how I feel, which he obviously hasn't liked. Even to the point of making it difficult for me to get to my appointments because he "doesn't like" my councillor and how she's making me think and thinks she has it out for him.

I also found out he's found out quite a bit of information about the man I'm seeing (through talking to people he knows in the mans workplace, not through social media, he doesn't have much, I have nothing at all social media wise!) he's made himself out to his colleagues how hard done by and hurt he is about the situation, making these people feel sorry for him, to the point where one person has gone to the man I am seeing and expressed her concerns about how bad she feels for him!! She barely knows him! This is obviously extremely unsettling for the man because it's his workplace and has a high managerial role with these people! (He is the manager of a group of a certain type of place someone would frequent often!)

Police. Now. You can’t wait any longer, he’s escalating rapidly.

Have you spoken to the police yet OP?

What have the police said?

He's put your children in danger several times.

No I've not called the police, honestly I'm terrified of what effect that'll have on everyone.

Since the night he left the children he's not had overnights until he's in a more stable place

You think he's going to get more stable?

I had a violent ex who behaved in a similar manner and one night he came after me with a knife. Never mind the effect you calling the police could have, the results of him assaulting or murdering you, leaving two vulnerable young children alone or hurting the man you are seeing will be a lot worse.

I don't mean to sound horrid here, but as someone who was you, wake up. He is escalating here, not becoming more stable. You are putting yourself, this other man and your children in danger here by not acting

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Yes... I don't know if that's incredibly naïve, I know this whole thing has hurt him a lot because he didn't want to split, I know it's not at all normal behaviour, I guess because it's so out of character that I feel like once he's really come to terms with things then he'll be more stable, I don't know

@BarbedBloom he's never actually ever been at all violent in any way with me or anyone I've ever seen

@BarbedBloom I'm so so sorry you went through that

On reflection @boymum I was probably a bit harsh in my response. It honestly came out of concern. My ex was never violent either to me or anyone else. He just snapped one day and I almost died. Now looking back I could see the pattern of escalation and I too avoided calling the police because I was worried it would all blow up. It started with silent phone calls, then drive bus, then contacting every person on my Facebook friends list, then he tried to break in, then he started stalking the guy I was seeing and finally, when he realised I had moved on and he couldn't have me, he snapped. Please be careful.

@boymum9 you’re kidding yourself that this behaviour will stop when he calms down. He’s no reason not to hurt you and the kids, you’re allowing it. Harsh words but it’s true. I know because I thought the same.

Drive bys I mean. And sorry, I meant @boysmum9

So he's stalking your new BF too?

Don't expect him to be a laissez faire about it all.

You need to stop worrying about him and start worrying about you and your kids.
Please stop pussyfooting around him and report to the police.
His behaviour is NOT normal. No matter how hurt and upset he is and it is escalating.

Did you manage to call the police Op?

You haven't caused his behaviour, you cannot control his behaviour and you cannot cease his behaviour.

You can start to get your head clearer by speaking with the police, continue with counselling and writing down and sticking with clear boundaries. Imagine what you would advise a friend as it sounds like you are struggling to see facts - you are prioritising his control issues and needs over facts.

Priorities I would suggest are

1. DC and your safety and wellbeing
2. Rest of your famiky, friends, new bloke NB he doesn't feature as not a priority!

You need some No Contact time, have you thought about talking with SS or CAFCASS so they arrange contact time with DC in a safe space?

I haven't read the whole thread but jesus christ OP, seriously his behaviour is a massive red flag! Change your locks, have a stronger door put in, chains on the door etc and as a pp said some sensory lights outside. Also maybe invest in some CCTV outside the house something discreet he won't see or realise is there. He's acting like this because he has lost control of you and without meaning to scare you...his behaviour is very sinister and dangerous! He's clearly trying to regain control of you and your life. Report him to the police each time he acts aggressive or turns up outside your house. Don't allow him inside your home AT ALL and keep a log of everytime he turns up, any abusive messages he may send to you and tell him absolutely nothing about your life it is no longer his business who you're seeing and where you go, only discuss the children in fact I suggest you get a friend or relative you trust to be the go between when it comes to contact with your children I suggest someone who is strong and who he cannot bully. I'd also suggest you have some sort of counselling or see a domestic violence outreach worker who can help you see that he's an abusive arsehole. And lastly get a damn injunction against him ASAP