Is this stalking?

[boymum9]

Back in January I posted this thread: (long story short dh and I were going through some issues, he ended up sexually assaulting me while I was asleep, he separated, he stayed living in the house from jan-beginning on April when he moved out)

Possible assault from husband http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3487105-possible-assault-from-husband

Since him moving out some of his behaviour has been very questionable and I'm at point where I just don't know what to do, he's an extremely abrasive and also sensitive in that he takes every comment extremely personally and twists everything I will ever say so it makes it near on impossible to have an adult conversation with him. A little background is that I went on a date with someone I met after he'd moved out and we're now "seeing each other", getting to know each other better, how ever you want to put it, we get on great and he's a lovely calming understanding presence to be in after the last 7 months of difficult stuff!!

1. The first night he had the 2 DC's (3&1) he woke them at mightnight and put them in the car and drove over to my house to see if I was home (i wasn't) he then questioned me the next day about what time I was home, I said I thought it was around midnight but wasn't sure (think I was actually home around 12.30 but wasn't thinking I was being quizzed so to speak!) he kept repeating that I was lying to me and wouldn't tell me how he knew, although eventually later in the day I asked if he'd come over to check on me and he told me he had.

1. A few weeks later when he had the boys again I got back from being out for dinner at about 10.30pm and when I pulled up I noticed his car parked outside my house, I went and looked in and no one was there, went into the house and no one there, went back out and car was gone, I drove over to his and asked him what was going on, it turned out he'd smoked weed (?!! Not something I've done or known him to have done, that's not ever been a part of our lives, not really drinkers either) and left the boys in his house asleep and drove to mine to see if I was there!!!!

1. One night I could hear someone at my window (old sash windows and could hear the noise of it being tried to be opened) I eventually plucked up the courage to look behind the blind and there was a man there who ran off, I was understandably spooked and my immediate reaction was to ring ex dh and ask if it was him and told him what happened, he said it wasn't him and came straight over and offered to stay if I felt uncomfortable, I agreed to this because I was very uncomfortable, but the more I thought about it the more I felt it could have been him, the person was trying to open the window by moving it slightly for over 5 minutes, it was unlocked, it could have easily been slid up in a second by someone trying to break in. (I had DC's this night)

1. Last night (I had DC's) and I got a two texts in quick succession, first one asking if dh could come and pick something up from the house and second saying "I'm sorry I sent this 20 minutes ago but I'm outside now is that ok?", I said yes and he came in, under the pretence of wanting to pick this thing up but proceeded to check around the house and question if as to whether someone was there (they weren't), he was saying things like "well it looks like someone's been laying on the bed", well yes I have because it's 11pm...! He looked under the bed and in bathrooms, laundry room etc etc, then he said "well I saw him leaving" (the man I am seeing) which he obviously didn't because he wasn't here!

There are multiple questionable ways he's acted since moving out I'm not sure what to do, he actually had gone around the house to look in my bedroom window one time when we were still living together but separated to see what I was doing.

I don't know what to do or say now, I'm not sure of my next step. I know he's upset about the split (which was actually due to multiple lies he'd told, emotional affair on his part, turns out he'd been trying to have sex with someone and went awol for two days, said that he never slept with her but I don't believe that), I ended up being extremely down and sad always, no motivation, lost a lot of happiness, always felt insecure and like I couldn't trust him and it got to the point where I felt I needed to end it for my sanity, and since he's moved out, despite these issues I'm so so much happier, everyone has noticed a difference and I feel my life has changed for the better!

Sorry for the long thread! I just don't know what to do anymore!?

Just wanted to echo the comments others have made. Please seek help. He sounds really dangerous.

Just to add OP the fact he tracked and is harassing your new man at his place of work and manipulating his colleagues is seriously a concern. I can't say too much on a public thread but I've worked with DV victims and that includes dealing with their very abusive partners or ex partners. Trust me OP his behaviour is rapidly escalating and its not a matter of if but when he snaps so stop kidding yourself, he may not have been violent before but don't rule it out that he isn't capable of being violent now he won't calm down he'll get worse you new man needs to report your ex ASAP to the police as well for harassment and porbably also seek an injunction against him

Only read your first post so far but call the police and report it all. He sounds unhinged! I'd be asking for a restraining order and I would be asking for my kids to have supervised contact only. Leaving them alone in his house whilst he drives off and smokes weed - waking them up at midnight so he can stalk you! Poor little mites he is being neglectful and abusive! For their sakes, don't let him spend time with them without another responsible trustworthy adult present!

Jeez I just read the whole thread. OP this is not the time to be giving him chances to ‘calm down’, he is stalking you, out the children in danger and previously sexually assaulted you! You need to protect yourself properly, not handle it by yourself. The effect on who? If you call the police who will it cause problems for apart from your stalker ex? Put yourself and your children above anything else.

This sounds truly terrifying, I'm guessing you don't feel that you can go to the police at the moment? Maybe you should speak to some-one first, maybe start with Refuge or is there anyone who can hold your hand through this? You can't ignore this, this sort of behaviour can lead to murder and I'm sure that's what everyone else on this thread is thinking.

Yes op. This is stalking.
I had this last year.
He gained access to my house and interfered with my social media accounts via my iPad
He left garage doors open that I am 100% positive I shut and locked (they could only be opened from the inside without the key.
He keyed my bf's car in the middle of the night - caught on cctv but not clear enough view of his face for an arrest and he wrote defamatory letters to court/social services/my bf and my ExH in an effort to smear my name.
He tried to friend request my bf under a false name, sent dozens of messages ranging from pleading, telling me he loved me, to threatening me. He messaged my bf telling him to back off. He drove up and down my road past my house scoping my movements out. It went on for months.

I reported every sing le incident even if I couldn't prove it. I got a non molestation order against him in November and he was stupid enough to try and connect with me via LinkedIn in spite of it. He was arrested on Xmas eve and convicted in court of harassment and stalking in March.

Report him NOW. HE WILL NOT STOP.

Thank you again for the further replies, I am obviously extremely concerned reading these and when I go back over thing that have happened in my head.

I don't feel like I'm at a place where I can call the police just yet. I know from the outside reading all that's happened it seems like the obvious step, it does to me too. But I suppose knowing him and knowing what he's like and also maybe trying to understand how he feels about the situation I can try to understand some of his behaviours, some I obviously don't, like leaving the kids.

I desperately wanted to be able to keep a good relationship for the boys and to make their lives as happy and easy as possible considering, so I do think I've made excuses to myself for some of his behaviours. Whenever anything happens he comes out with a barrage of excuses and reasons as to why, often making it feel like it's my fault, always I guess, and the further I distance myself from the relationship I realise this is not the case, but I do still hold a lot of guilt for breaking up our family because I was unhappy when it wasn't what he wanted. He's ended up on antidepressants now.

He found out some things about new bf which came up mid conversation when he turned up last week that night which I now feel like I'm passed the point of bringing up again but I realised I never asked specifically how he knew, like duration of time he'd lived with previous girlfriends, when his birthday is, specific age (not things he'd have found on social media as new bf doesn't have any apart from a private Instagram)

I should also probably note that other than all these instances, we actually get on completely fine and parent the kids together well, he seems to be ok about new bf some of the times, I don't know if this is him trying or luring me into a false sense of security regarding that and his emotions.

You can't just leave this and hope he'll get better, OP. He's left your tiny children alone overnight to come and spy on you, which shows you how little he cares about the effects of what he's doing. And he's causing problems for your new man at work, and has found out all sorts of things about him which are none of his business, and which he'll have had to work hard to find out.

He is behaving in a really controlling and obsessive way, and that's just going to get worse. The more he finds out about your new man, the more he questions you and bullies you into giving him information (and withholding your phone for four hours? Wow.) the more he's rewarded for his behaviour, and the more he's going to do it.

I really think you should speak to the police. Your ex sounds not only obsessive and controlling but dangerous too.

You have to get proper window locks and decent security at home: see if you can get some cameras put up which will record visitors. You have to stop engaging with your ex about anything that isn't to do with your children, so if he asks questions about your life now you ignore them. Minimise your contact with him as much as possible--see if you can get a friend to hand your children over to him, for example. Do not let him into your house under any circumstances.

Please take this more seriously. He's a loose cannon, and he's aiming himself at you.

I think you need to seriously consider the risk to your children.

You said they don’t currently have overnights with him, but he has already left them alone at night, no matter how much of a good parent you say he is, his behaviour is NOT stable, and he could easily put them at risk again and leave them in the day to follow you or try to find your new partner.

It’s concerning that you perhaps aren’t considering the risks of his erratic behaviour around the children as much as you should be, and the potential for them to come to harm while he is behaving this way.

Omg you're still totally in the FOG. OP. He's not a good person. Good people don't do this shit.

It will not improve. And yes. Phone the police. They won't go round and arrest him straight away. It's not like tv.
They will take a statement and gather evidence in the first instance and for now he has no need to know. But you MUST. Because if something happens to your kids and you have dilly dallied about it because you're trying to understand his motivations and you feel sorry for him, you will never forgive yourself.

I understand this is upsetting op but for god's sake give your head a wobble.

People die because of this sort of shit.

If you don't call the police (even if only on the non-emergency number to begin with), then I'm sorry to say this but you are hugely failing your children. Don't be that person.

LISTEN to what the other posters are saying to you; he is not in his right mind and is escalating his behaviour. You don't know him anymore (even if he seems familiar whilst you attempt to co-parent). He is potentially a danger to you and your kids. And your boyfriend. The things he's done already are not just walking all over your boundaries, but also illegal. He should be nowhere near your house, let alone in it. Leaving two babies at his house alone to drive round and spy at you? Getting flying monkeys to harass your boyfriend at work? Withholding your phone for 4 hours until you gave him your PIN? Mate I would have walked next door after 10 mins of his shit and asked to borrow their phone so I could call the police on his arse! How fucking dare he?!

You broke up with him because of his sense of entitlement towards your body and he clearly thinks he owns you to the point that he is NOT going to go quietly and let you move on. He's going to make yours and your new boyfriends lives hell (what's next? Violence? Trying to get your boyf sacked?!) and he's going to hugely damage the children throughout all this. And you're just letting it happen with your inaction!!!

Please speak to professionals. I speak from experience and so do other posters - we recognise this behaviour as we've been through it and at this point he is NOT going to tone it down as he feels perfectly within his rights to behave like this. With any luck a few stern words from the police will bring him back down to earth and stop him in his tracks. But some men like this have no respect for the law either (he already has NO respect for your boundaries) so be prepared that you might need to take this further. Ask for advice from Women's Aid, inform your family/friends/neighbours/employers/GP of what's been going on and most importantly CALL THE POLICE!!!

I know it's hard and it's going to make go-parenting impossible for a while. But he needs help and he won't get it if you keep on letting him get away with this shit. He'll ruin you all.

Good luck OP

Please contact women’s aid OP. Look up the F.O.G. and freedom program.

I work in a sort of crossover point that often has victims of DV and/or SS involvement. We would probably action urgent referrals if you were with us and said all this, all the things he’s done, for your own and the children’s safety. That’s how serious this is, as in, I would have to overstep our confidentially to keep you safe if you were in my department. We can only do that in really serious cases, which I wholeheartedly believe that this is.

This is classic in abusive situations, the escalations because he’s lost control. He is a danger to you and to the children. You’re too busy in the FOG to remember that he sexually assaulted you. He’s not a good person, and who gives a shit if he’s down and depressed?? You shouldn’t! I would be seeking a way to stop all contact with you and the children, he can’t be a good father to them right now because he’s stalking you and neglecting them, added to the fact he assaulted you! I understand you saying you want to keep up the relationship for the children, but their safety and your safety is paramount. Your ex is not safe at all right now.

I don’t want to get into scaremongering but seriously OP, women are murdered most often not by random lurking in bushes, it’s partners and ex partners. The red flags here are terrifying to people who have seen this. We had near here years back, a man killed his ex wife, new bf and their kids, then killed himself. This is not us all on here getting hysterical and not knowing your husband well - this actually happens, regularly, to women all over the country.

He’s a dangerous, nasty piece of absolute fucking shit and you need to take a hard line and protect yourself

Seek help from women’s aid, police and you need a good lawyer to guide you though this. If he is abusive and there is evidence of this you will qualify for legal aid, so you need to document this

Supervised contact only - leaving small children alone and taking drugs is bad, you know this

Only communicate through email or text. Do not speak to him.

Do not let him in the house. Ever. At all.

You need better home security.

He might murder you, and your children. Focus on that. Act now.

You need to call the police, he is escalating, he will soon murder you or your children or both.

You are failing your children by not calling the police.

It is only going to get worse, I’m sorry op but I think it’s really disappointing that you don’t want to put the safety of your DC and your new DP first.
How sad, It’s going to end really badly.

@pollypenguin01 @needsahouseboy
It's not that I don't want to, or that I won't put them first at all, I know it sounds probably ridiculous but I didn't realise the extent of this, aside from leaving the children which I took action about, we met when I was 16, now 31, we've been together most of this time and it's not until recently I quite realised how controlling his behaviour was, not in a conventional way, and his ability to talk his way out of anything, I feel like I've been brain washed to a certain extent and didn't realise that a lot of his behaviours and excuses for everything weren't normal. I guess it's taking a long time to adjust my thinking's, I hear everyone's message loud and clear

But are you going to act on reading these messages. You need to call the police.

Yes it's stalking. Don't let him in any more. Get nee windowlocks & get a door chain & keep it on in case he picks the lock & so if he knocks you can stop him forcing his way in. I watch too many real life crime shows, but a serial rapist in the US used that MO for years to attack over 30 women, after stalking them for weeks to find out when they were in alone. Statistically, in abusive relationships you are most at risk of death when trying to o leave. It ramps up the control & violence.

You need to contact the police and contact Woman's Aid and get a Non Mol Order in place. Document every single thing and ring 111 every time he shows up. Keep any communication to email only, do not let him in regardless if he is there to collect the kids, get someone to drop them off. He sounds crazy

I'd add that the brainwashing you mention leads to a recognised syndrome for victims of abusive behaviour: its Stockholm Syndrome. You are too beaten down mentally to think logically. You believe you'd never be able to leave & cope alone. And you still have feelings for your abuser as a self protection strategy : if he feels 'loved' (you're under his control, it's not normal love at all) the abuse is more manageable & often less explosive & unpredictable.

OP, please, please, please go to the police.

Imagine if this was happening to your daughter, your friend, your relative. What would you tell them to do.

You have a responsibility to protect your children and yourself. His behaviour IS NOT NORMAL! It will escalate.

You found the courage to leave him and now you need to find the courage to stop this.

This is becoming a little frustrating now OP.

If I was your new BF I'd be removing myself from this situation immediately. Your Ex is now stalking your new BF - you do know this don't you???

If you aren't going to involve anyone official then keep a log of everything and make sure there are some people in RL, who know your situation and would pick up the phone to you night or day.

I think you are being very naive and I am being very polite with that description and you are essentially allowing your Ex to get away with what is - quite frankly - terrifying behaviour!

I'm going to be harsh.

Wake up. This man is stalking you. He is stalking your boyfriend. He is interfering in your boyfriend's workplace. He gets high when looking after your kids. He leaves your kids alone in the house. He enters your home without permission and searched it. How do you know he isn't doing that while you are out?

These are the sorts if behaviours which eventually lead to attacks, and children losing their mothers because the father murders them.

You need to grow up and speak to the police. You need to think about what happens to your children when this man snaps. He is not stable. He is obsessed with you. Do you really need to be told how dangerous that is? You're being an idiot and you're children are at risk. Your boyfriend is at risk. You are at risk. Wake up.