Is this stalking?

[boymum9]

Back in January I posted this thread: (long story short dh and I were going through some issues, he ended up sexually assaulting me while I was asleep, he separated, he stayed living in the house from jan-beginning on April when he moved out)

Possible assault from husband http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3487105-possible-assault-from-husband

Since him moving out some of his behaviour has been very questionable and I'm at point where I just don't know what to do, he's an extremely abrasive and also sensitive in that he takes every comment extremely personally and twists everything I will ever say so it makes it near on impossible to have an adult conversation with him. A little background is that I went on a date with someone I met after he'd moved out and we're now "seeing each other", getting to know each other better, how ever you want to put it, we get on great and he's a lovely calming understanding presence to be in after the last 7 months of difficult stuff!!

1. The first night he had the 2 DC's (3&1) he woke them at mightnight and put them in the car and drove over to my house to see if I was home (i wasn't) he then questioned me the next day about what time I was home, I said I thought it was around midnight but wasn't sure (think I was actually home around 12.30 but wasn't thinking I was being quizzed so to speak!) he kept repeating that I was lying to me and wouldn't tell me how he knew, although eventually later in the day I asked if he'd come over to check on me and he told me he had.

1. A few weeks later when he had the boys again I got back from being out for dinner at about 10.30pm and when I pulled up I noticed his car parked outside my house, I went and looked in and no one was there, went into the house and no one there, went back out and car was gone, I drove over to his and asked him what was going on, it turned out he'd smoked weed (?!! Not something I've done or known him to have done, that's not ever been a part of our lives, not really drinkers either) and left the boys in his house asleep and drove to mine to see if I was there!!!!

1. One night I could hear someone at my window (old sash windows and could hear the noise of it being tried to be opened) I eventually plucked up the courage to look behind the blind and there was a man there who ran off, I was understandably spooked and my immediate reaction was to ring ex dh and ask if it was him and told him what happened, he said it wasn't him and came straight over and offered to stay if I felt uncomfortable, I agreed to this because I was very uncomfortable, but the more I thought about it the more I felt it could have been him, the person was trying to open the window by moving it slightly for over 5 minutes, it was unlocked, it could have easily been slid up in a second by someone trying to break in. (I had DC's this night)

1. Last night (I had DC's) and I got a two texts in quick succession, first one asking if dh could come and pick something up from the house and second saying "I'm sorry I sent this 20 minutes ago but I'm outside now is that ok?", I said yes and he came in, under the pretence of wanting to pick this thing up but proceeded to check around the house and question if as to whether someone was there (they weren't), he was saying things like "well it looks like someone's been laying on the bed", well yes I have because it's 11pm...! He looked under the bed and in bathrooms, laundry room etc etc, then he said "well I saw him leaving" (the man I am seeing) which he obviously didn't because he wasn't here!

There are multiple questionable ways he's acted since moving out I'm not sure what to do, he actually had gone around the house to look in my bedroom window one time when we were still living together but separated to see what I was doing.

I don't know what to do or say now, I'm not sure of my next step. I know he's upset about the split (which was actually due to multiple lies he'd told, emotional affair on his part, turns out he'd been trying to have sex with someone and went awol for two days, said that he never slept with her but I don't believe that), I ended up being extremely down and sad always, no motivation, lost a lot of happiness, always felt insecure and like I couldn't trust him and it got to the point where I felt I needed to end it for my sanity, and since he's moved out, despite these issues I'm so so much happier, everyone has noticed a difference and I feel my life has changed for the better!

Sorry for the long thread! I just don't know what to do anymore!?

Police, OP, as others have said. He's dangerous.

Pleasr go to the police, even just to receive advice on what to do next time. What does the man your seeing think about all this?

I'm feeling very worried for you and your children. How does he treat his children?

This is stalking and I wish you the best of luck dealing with him

Get a video doorbell that wirelessly alerts you to movement. It will catch him and you can call the police when you have several recordings to show them.

Another one here saying this is dangerous behaviour. My first controlling jealous husband wouldn’t stop checking who I was with etc after I left him. He turned up to see me out with a lovely guy I had gone on a date with, grabbed me off the street and kicked the living daylights out of me. Two weeks laid up with injuries so bad the police photographed them and were able to convict him without me being there ( thank you cctv ) I downplayed the constant phone calls and texts and quizzing me about my personal life. Don’t make the mistake I made. Please. He could kill you. I was “lucky” to only suffer severe concussion, bleeding and bruising and swelling so bad I couldn’t use one leg for a fortnight. Police now. Get this behaviour logged with them, they’ll know how worrying it is.

If you was behaving in this way what would you think you was doing?

This could very well escalate phone you local station and ask to speak to the domestic violence/protection unit, they will also flag your address up as a priority if needed.

Change the locks, confide in friends and notify your children nursery if applicable and make it clear the behaviour is not acceptable.

Thank you for everyone's replies. I can see that I haven't perhaps being seeing it all as serious as it maybe is. I've given him the benefit of the doubt a lot. He also told me last night that he came over one night a couple weeks ago (under the pretence that our 1 year old was sick and wanted to come get clean stuff for him to sleep in, which I don't buy because I always pack lots of clothes for them), he said that he knocked and no one answered so came in, heard me in the bedroom "having sex" so left.

I told dh that I wasn't happy in December, the middle of January was when he touched in when I was sleeping (it was actually twice in a row, the second time, which was 15 minutes later I pretended to be asleep because the first time I woke up and he acted like I was acting like I wanted it, which wasn't the case) and from that point I said it was over, I have a history of sexual abuse to me and my sister as children and for me that crossed a line there was no return from. I started speaking to the man I'm seeing at the beginning of March and dh found out at the end of March, so I wasn't having an affair, we were well and truly separated but living in the same house at the time because we're waiting for another property we own to no longer have tenants. So I do see that I should have waited to start speaking to someone new, especially after a marriage! But it was actually very primitive at that point, just talking over text, we never actually even went on a date until after he'd moved out, and in the 3 week period where dh knew about him before he moved out, we actually stopped any contact until I was living alone, sorry if that's complicated!!

Please stop downplaying this.
He is a dangerous person and you need to take it seriously.
Please, I urge you to call the police today including the part about leaving your children alone in the middle of the night so he could stalk you. Do it, today. Also call a locksmith. He should not have access to your property. Get some extra security measures.
Stop being kind and giving him the benefit of the doubt. He sounds extremely dangerous and women are in most danger when they have just ended things.
Please also get in touch with Women's Aid, if you leave a message they will call you back.
I say this with love: OPEN YOUR EYES.

So I do see that I should have waited to start speaking to someone new, especially after a marriage! No, you shouldn't. Even though he was still living in the same house, your marriage was over, and it's none of his business who you were seeing.

You don't have to make any excuses. Your Ex's behaviour is terrifying regardless of when you started seeing this new guy.

This is really serious OP!

Please change your locks, today as an emergency if at all possible and call the police now.

He sounds dangerous and it’s escalating, please don’t downplay it all.

Surely you have stopped him having contact with your children alone?

He left 2 children under 3 home alone, anything could have happened while he was gone

Everything PPs have said! Change the locks, motoonsensory floodlights and cameras. It’s not paranoid, it’s sensible. You can’t have a man with a track record for sexually assaulting you, amd whonis clearly both jealous and deluded (and taking drugs apparently) to have free access to your home.

Tell the police about the stalking amd about him leaving your children alone at night. O would try and stop him having them overnight if possible.

Your entire update seems to be you trying to defend your actions when you don't need to - you have done nothing wrong. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You haven't done this - he has. You deserve happiness. I'm actually furious that he's had such an impact on you that you think you have done something wrong by dating someone that makes you happy when you are single

Go to the police... u shouldnt have to live with this.

Call the police and also tell them the reason you left him

I also think you should log all these incidents with the police today. Don’t wait until the next time it happens. You want them to know the background already if you ever have to make a 999 call.

Change your locks
Add locks to the windows
Motion floodlights
Security camera
Don't allow him in to the house. If he comes over for something, ask what he wants and make him wait outside in the car for you to bring it out.

Document everything and inform the police of his behaviour, especially the bit about him smoking weed and leaving the DC home alone.

Just another voice saying that, yes, this is stalking and you need to contact the police. If nothing else they'll have you on record so if you need them in a hurry they'll know the score.

He thought absolutely nothing when violating you sexually, he obviously thinks nothing of this either.

I agree with everyone else. I have no idea of the legalities or logistics so this might not be possible - but you should investigate some sort of restraining order and contact centre contact only for the children. He can’t be trusted with the children. He definitely can’t be trusted with you.

I also agree you should contact the police. Start from the incident in Jan that precipitated the split.

Just adding my voice to agree this is absolutely not okay. He's stalking and harassing you, making you question yourself and putting your children in danger. I am actually quite worried about what he's done to your self confidence and ability to think clearly because you don't seem to be that bothered by him leaving a 1 and 3 year old home alone, so that he can drive around stoned stalking you. Leaving young children alone in the house is absolutely not on and you should be terrified about the danger he is putting them in.

Along with all the practical suggestions above, I think you should seriously consider some counselling because he has clearly twisted your thinking and you won't get your life and your confidence back until you are able to address this.

OP I’m so sorry for what you have been through with this man and as a child.

Right now though you need to wake-up and and plan for your / your children’s safety - this man sounds deluded and dangerous. The fact he left 2 toddlers ALONE whilst he drove off to stalk you is a massive concern. - are you continuing to allow him access to them following this?

His access to your home needs 100% revoking and as many PP have suggested cameras and records need to be kept.

Call the police today and report this!!

Don't try to minimise or understand his behaviour it is not acceptable at all. He is harassing you and making you feel intimidated and unsafe.

Log all of his behaviour with police including him removing your phone and looking through it, make a record of all of these and any future events in a diary. It may be necessary to obtain a restraining order if his behaviour doesn't stop or escalates.

You may feel that this is a strong reaction but there are so many unsettling and dangerous red flags in your post that indicate he is unhealthily obsessed with you. This is not the normal reaction of an upset ex partner. I do not want to frighten you but it is imperative that you do everything you can to keep yourself safe. A visit from the police may give him a shock and may nip this in the bud. I know you may be concerned that reporting him may inflame the situation but if you don't speak out at all then it is very likely his behaviour will continue.

Also please consider contacting the National Stalking Helpline that is run by the Suzy Lamplugh Trust. They will give you some excellent advice and support. www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/national-stalking-helpline

He got stoned and left toddlers ALONE,! and didn't pop down the garden, drove off!!! have you allowed him to have them since? wow, yeah he's very dangerous....

Wait... he got stoned outside your house and then drove back to where the kids were? He could have killed someone.