MIL from Hell, like she's actually a Demon

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

A few of you may remember my previous post about my situation with my DP's family, I'm not going to list every single thing that has happened between us because it would take me about 3 days but I'll just post about the latest argument

So due to a load of arguments and frankly disgusting comments about myself from my partners family but mostly his mother I have gone completely NC with his family, I allowed visitation 5pm-7pm in a Tuesday every week and a few hours every weekend, PIL would call DP when outside and he would take DS out to car and same when they brought DS home so I don't have to see them. Anyway almost 2 weeks ago now I got a text from my DP's cousin saying she was looking forward to seeing me and DS that afternoon, without going into too much detail about all the drama I explained I wouldn't be going but I was glad MIL was taking DS to visit cousin and her DC, during the course of the conversation cousin mentioned that MIL was taking my DS to cousins house to have his hair cut, this was arranged completely without mine or DP knowledge and I was furious, mostly because it's his first haircut and when he is ready for a haircut I feel me and his dad should be the ones to take him. A few MN users suggested cousin maybe knew that it was behind my back and that's why she text (was unusual for her to text me) I have since spoken to cousin again (her child was in hospital so I rang to see how her DD was) cousin confirmed she felt uneasy doing the haircut without speaking to me but she also told me that MIL has been calling me all sorts behind my back and has stated "I will have my boys back with me before Christmas" meaning my DP and my DS, this was all discussed in front of my DS who yes may be a baby now and not understand but he eventually will and I do not trust her to not speak negatively in front of him.

I have sat my DP down and now told him that the Tuesday contact will be stopped and that if she wants DS on a weekend for a few hours then my DP must also go with them, she is not to have my DS unsupervised. DP seems to have located his spine suddenly because he actually completely supported me and agreed (think he was fuming other family now also been dragged into it)

Now my MIL is threatening to call social services on me (I'm emotionally abusing my DS by keeping him away from his family) and she will be seeking legal advice about taking me to court for visitation, I will post this in the legal section too but I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with social services or grandparents rights

Surely this mental woman can't get legal unsupervised time with my child?

Social services will be totally uninterested. Given that you are allowing access, I suspect any reputable solicitor will also tell her she has no chance in hell of getting access on her own. This looks quite useful:
www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/information/what-are-grandparents-rights/

I am sorry that you are going through this. I do not understand what motivates people to behave in this way.

I don't know if this has already been suggested and there is a chance that it might inflame the situation further but I would seriously consider reporting the data breach to the hospital and ask that it be investigated. Any information that is found during this investigation will prevent her from taking any further action.

I would also consider speaking to your health visitor and ask for their advice. Stick to the facts.

Good luck and stay strong. It is in your son's best interest that he has a mother and father who are there to protect him from negative behaviours. Despite this being a potential 'loving granny' relationship, it is harmful to you and not a healthy relationship, therefore it is not beneficial to your son.

She sounds completely off her rocker. I would be thinking more about restraining orders than supervised access tbh. I think you've been more than tolerant - even generous - towards this woman. I would stop access completely for now and if she gives you any crap about it, I'd be thinking about reporting her unauthorised access to your and DS's medical records. She needs to understand that actions have consequences. If you report her to the NHS trust, they can do an audit trail and she will probably lose her job.

OP thank you for posting this, my MIL is identical in every respect, the responses you've got are also helping me.

As a child who visited granny who was toxic, bad mouthed my parent to the face of the other parent whilst we were in the same room and no we were certainly not babies, I applaud the parent who protects their child from this sort of behaviour.

^^this

You can put in a Freedom of Information request for the audit trail of who accessed your medical records within a specific time period and request confirmation of the purpose. If she has accessed your records then it should come to light from that.

Your partner should be telling her clearly that she is to stop badmouthing you at least in front of DS and in front of him, as well as having access supervised by him only. I would think monthly supervised visits are more than enough, does he really want to see her for hours every week? What does he really think of this situation? I just can't imagine DH nor I putting up with that behaviour from one of our own parents without having a row with them.

In case it provides any reassurance, my dad had a toxic mother who alienated all her GC by herself; I was the only grandchild at her funeral and I didn't even like her but was just there for my dad. It was a relief to him when she was gone, despite the lifetime of guilt. Your DS knows who you are, he won't be taken in by someone dripping poison.

@disneyspendingmoney

Good Luck

To those people who say it's cruel to stop a child seeing his grandparents.

I had a Horrible Grandmother. She caused trouble between my parents. She caused trouble between her grandchildren, She played one person off against another. She played favourites - and then would suddenly swap favourites so that the now rejected child had no idea why. Then she'd swap back again - again, no apparent cause. She spoke badly of my DM (her DIL) and openly sneered at my DF. She was a complete and utter spiteful, manipulative, vindictive CUNT (and I don't use that word lightly - I hate it!)

We were force to go and spend time with her because she was our only grandparent and DF was under there thumb and wouldn't hear a word against her - never supported DM. Our family was destroyed as she pitted one against another. She outlived both my parents by many years, and continued to cause trouble with the family members who kept on seeing her. I didn't.

Follow your own instincts OP - you've got your partner's support - don't let this horrible woman come between you, or destroy your child's happiness.

I know I'm projecting my own experiences onto you, but I've seen this from the other side, and it's not pretty.

Your solicitor can do the Freedom of Information bit and you can threaten her position at the hospital. That kind of crap is instant dismissal. Even if she has coerced someone else to have done this.

You can put in a Freedom of Information request for the audit trail of who accessed your medical records within a specific time period and request confirmation of the purpose. If she has accessed your records then it should come to light from that.

You couldn't put in a FOIA request because it relates to your personal data, but you could put in a Data Protection Act request asking for your records into the logs to show the appointments being changed, but they would probably redact MIL's name due to her DPA rights.

I think you'd be better off just making a complaint or seeing if you could quietly tip someone off to audit the records if you want to go down that route.

I'm thinking of writing her a letter telling her that I welcome her contacting SS, I'll get some cake in and look forward to their visit, DS always loves a visitor to play with. But if she doesn't back the he'll off from MY family and take her 2 hours a weekend supervised access and like it then we can happily go down the court route and I will tell my solicitor that I am only willing to do 2 hour supervised a MONTH instead and I will be providing evidence to the hospital of her breaching data protection and accessing my records without raising a vested interest and changing appointments without cause or permission.

Too Bitchy?

It's awful having a grandparent who bad mouths your parents.

I finally snapped when I was 18, and my Grandma said something snide about my Dad (her SIL). I shouted at her and said "That's my dad you're talking about, I love him and I never want to hear you say such things about him again".

She looked at me like she'd seen a ghost, then started to cry. I walked out. And I was the most shy and un-confident teenager you could come across. But I saw read after all those years.

I think it's absolutely time for no contact.

She will spoil your relationship and as a result, your son's childhood.

If your partner has finally grown a spine you tell him that - you just don't want him seeing her. Because if she's threatening SS/ court, then the obvious response to that is that you stop contact now so that she is not able to say that she has an ongoing relationship, etc.

It's good you have kept everything possible. As a mother in law and grandmother myself, I really can't understand her. She's made life very difficult for herself, as well as you. She sounds very toxic, and I'd be inclined to stop all contact, and force her to make the next move. See what your solicitor says first, though.

Red, obv. Ugh.

Incidentally, did you/DH tell her that you had drunk alcohol before you realised you were pregnant or is that something she has got from snooping around your records?

Too Bitchy?

Not bitchy enough. I'd threaten NC rather than 2 hours a month if she wants to go down the court route.

@ILoveEurovision

She just put 2 and 2 together when we told her I was pregnant he said a bit later "but you've been drinking last week"

My DS consultant has told me with her in the room (she insisted on coming to check up) that it is very highly unlikely that 3 G&T's while 3 weeks pregnant caused his restriction and it's more than likely my anaemia (which I've struggled with since I was a teenager) or just plain old bad luck

Your mil makes my mil seem like a saint (she's not!!). I really feel for you, I've had similar things happen to me with the overstepping boundaries and trying to be in our business but I realised early on what was happening and put barriers in place (like no spare key going to them). I haven't been as nice as you and restricted access to my children, my attitude is if you can't be nice to me don't expect me to foster a relationship for you with my children. You are being more than generous.

Grandparents have no rights generally speaking, certainly in your case she has no rights to access with your child. I looked into all this after a big fallout with my in laws, they said I had to let them see their grandchild (I didn't!).

You really do need to report her too about the data breach that's very serious. A few of my friends who work for the nhs were saying a while back that they can't just look people up for no reason, everything is logged too so they can see who has accessed what and when. Your mil has abused her position, that's very serious.

Your last post- no, stop contact completely. Absolutely DO NOT put it in writing that you acknowledge that they already have a pattern of visitation, etc.

Grandparents don't have a legal right to fight for access directly. What they do have is the right to go to a solicitor and try and get permission to go to court for access, and the main justification for that is if they ALREADY have an ongoing relationship, if they can prove that, they can get permission to apply for a court order.

So if she's gone aggressive on you, then you STOP ALL CONTACT.

Seriously - this won't end, and it will continue to be destructive.

I had a grandmother like this. Yes, I ended up hating her too when I could see the damage she did. But when I was tiny, she managed to do ME a lot of damage, but subtly undermining my relationship with my mother. Your DS is only one now. Continue contact, and when he's 4, and loves his granny to bits and is telling you 'Granny says she loves me more than you do. Granny says if you tell me off, she can make it so that I can live with her in my bedroom there. Granny says you're too strict and not nice to me not leting me have sweets...'

...by GOD will you wish you'd cut her out of his life now while he's too young to remember, and while she still won't have a leg to stand on in court.

Don't write her a letter; just drop the rope and ignore. Writing a letter will just ramp up the drama for her. I can't think that Social Services would be at all interested either.

I wouldn’t write to her.

Keep quiet, get legal advice and stop all contact with DS. Being around her will be detrimental for him so you need to protect him.

And talk to your solicitor about going to the Trust - whether it’s you who contacts the Trust or your solicitor, one of you has to.

Sorry not your last post now, the one where you suggest the letter. Don't. Don't write to her. Just block her and tell your DH that it's the only way.

I'd get evidence about the data breach before I mentioned it to her.

I'm thinking of writing her a letter telling her that I welcome her contacting SS

I would be wary of doing that as it has the potential to be used against you.

I'd go NC - very LC - take the legal advice you have booked, keeping records of interactions has been a good move so continue, and think about the doing something about the hospital situation.

(I’d also be wary about the cousin – as pp said they have potential to be a flying monkey – we never had a situation this bad but we did have some flying monkeys – or shit stirrers who seemed to play both sides as it suited them.)