MIL from Hell, like she's actually a Demon

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

A few of you may remember my previous post about my situation with my DP's family, I'm not going to list every single thing that has happened between us because it would take me about 3 days but I'll just post about the latest argument

So due to a load of arguments and frankly disgusting comments about myself from my partners family but mostly his mother I have gone completely NC with his family, I allowed visitation 5pm-7pm in a Tuesday every week and a few hours every weekend, PIL would call DP when outside and he would take DS out to car and same when they brought DS home so I don't have to see them. Anyway almost 2 weeks ago now I got a text from my DP's cousin saying she was looking forward to seeing me and DS that afternoon, without going into too much detail about all the drama I explained I wouldn't be going but I was glad MIL was taking DS to visit cousin and her DC, during the course of the conversation cousin mentioned that MIL was taking my DS to cousins house to have his hair cut, this was arranged completely without mine or DP knowledge and I was furious, mostly because it's his first haircut and when he is ready for a haircut I feel me and his dad should be the ones to take him. A few MN users suggested cousin maybe knew that it was behind my back and that's why she text (was unusual for her to text me) I have since spoken to cousin again (her child was in hospital so I rang to see how her DD was) cousin confirmed she felt uneasy doing the haircut without speaking to me but she also told me that MIL has been calling me all sorts behind my back and has stated "I will have my boys back with me before Christmas" meaning my DP and my DS, this was all discussed in front of my DS who yes may be a baby now and not understand but he eventually will and I do not trust her to not speak negatively in front of him.

I have sat my DP down and now told him that the Tuesday contact will be stopped and that if she wants DS on a weekend for a few hours then my DP must also go with them, she is not to have my DS unsupervised. DP seems to have located his spine suddenly because he actually completely supported me and agreed (think he was fuming other family now also been dragged into it)

Now my MIL is threatening to call social services on me (I'm emotionally abusing my DS by keeping him away from his family) and she will be seeking legal advice about taking me to court for visitation, I will post this in the legal section too but I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with social services or grandparents rights

Surely this mental woman can't get legal unsupervised time with my child?

No! Don't contact her. Don't give her anything. Just tell your DH that she is never seeing your DS again. And then just block hole her!
Don't make drama, start taking this seriously.

...and yes, don't send a bitchy letter. You need to take the high road here (from other people's perspective). She'll use anything against you that she can, and threats about access won't go down well with anyone she shows it to.

So should I just leave the letter and say that I am stopping contact until I have gotten legal advice?

No. Don't. Say. Anything.
Block her on your phone. If she messages DH he can reply that due to her behaviour and threats you are all stepping back from her. And then he can block her.

Don't send the letter with any threats. She will somehow find a way to cover her tracks of fake something to show that you "asked" her to change her appointments. Let that one come as a surprise. Your first form of power is knowing that your kid is loved, looked after and not remotely likely to be on social services radar. Let them come. It's more ammunition for you to use against her. They don't love malicious call-outs.

Have you directly confronted her about changing your appointments, OP? Because if she knows you know, and knows that you're willing to dob her in it, surely she'll back off. I mean she literally could lose her job because she HAS behaved massively unethically.

Definitely don't write her a letter. She wants a reaction. Ignore her histrionics.

Many women drink before realising they are pregnant. We aren't psychic.

Cease contact with her. SS will not be remotely interested in anything she has to say. Keep on being a fab mum! xx

DON'T write to her at all. Really. Your husband needs to be the mouthpiece here and say things in person. Anything written down, she will use against you (just as you are able to do against her with the screenshots you have, etc)

Let her sweat, don’t mention to her the legal advice but get some. I would certainly get the accessing the records looked into, totally out of order.

say that I am stopping contact until I have gotten legal advice?

Say nothing to her - but get your DH on board with very low conatct and no unsupervised or NC. I wouldn't announce anything just don't repsond or be very busy.

(Honestly no rection will probably leve her fuming - but waiting at least for a while - hopefully till after you've had legal advice)

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be offering any contact and my dh would be immediately nc after this latest one. Why does he still want anything to do with her? let alone allow his child in the toxic environment.
I'm glad you are acting and not being a door mat, but your dh needs to do more. He needs to tell her he's staying with you and because of her vile behaviour wants nothing to do with her.
But he won't.

Honestly I wouldn't write her a letter yourself detailing stuff she has done, it just gives someone like that ammunition to start picking holes "oh I didn't breach data protection, oh I never changed appointments" etc.

If you really want to send a message I'd ask your solicitor's advice, and if they think it's a good idea then keep it short, factual and non-emotional, offering the supervised contact with your DP present at all times.

Maybe I could get the solicitor to write a letter detailing my offer of supervised visitation then the ball is in her court

OP, why are you still being a saint? Why are you giving out visitation as if its her right? Its not!! CUT HER OFF. Supervised/unsupervised NOTHING. She is toxic. You don't want DP and DS with her even for a minute. If you give them to her for 2 hours without you, she will think of ways to make that permanent. You DP can visit her obviously, but DS, NO WAY!
My MIL was like yours for a couple of years. After I cut contact, deleted her from everywhere etc, she straightened up (or may be not? I dont know because I still dont talk to her much, just a hi once a year may be). Years after she started behaving, she gets 1-2 hours of supervised contact with my kids once a year (when we visit our home country). She knows she will lose all this forever if she utters one wrong word. She is very careful now.

Don't discuss anything with her OP. She will start arguments and use it to poison your DP against you. (Mother and child bond, his head is programmed to trust her , it will be very hard for him to see things objectively. So don't get into that territory).

Once you cut contacts, she will have plenty of time to think over her actions. I cant believe you put up with so much and STILL talking about visitation. No visitation. Tiger up OP, once you show her you can be VERY strong if you want to, she will back off.

I'm sorry to be rude OP, offering visitation after SO MUCH sounds "doormat" all over.

Op i honestly agree with everyone else do not give this toxic woman any access to your son .Please report her for accessing your private medical records and appts and changing them ,surely there will be a trace won't she have had to log in to do it and records of whether you had contacted hospital to ask for the change .Your mum sounds very level headed and forward thinking .Honestly op she wants to tear your life to shreds i am not a vindictive person but in this case i would be reporting her and watching the crap hit the fan .

I agree with @bigKiteFlying . Don't explain anything. Just go NC.

Don't say anything at all. Just don't contact her ever again, and absolutely stop the contact. She is unhinged and as she has no sense of boundaries, she may even pose a risk to your son in some way.

Neither you nor your husband should engage. Talk to your solicitor. How would your husband feel about going no, or low contact with her?

The hospital appointment thing... now that the dust has settled on your birth and your NICU experiences, it might be the time for a private letter to HR at her hospital, with copies of the appointment cancellation/change letters and dates etc. They'll be able to track it in no time. This depends on how you feel about the fallout. She may know it was you, but equally she may have been doing it for some time generally, and not necessarily connect the two. If she does lose her job over it (which I gather she absolutely would) and she blames you for it, she will up her game in terms of her vendetta against you. How would you feel about that?

FFS. Do what you want OP. Keep yourself open to all the abuse and subject your child to ongoing abuse. Just be aware that this was your warning from her and you're choosing to lay down and play the good doormat.

And REALLY - for the love of God stop all contact between your baby and this woman. I agree with the poster above - you're being a doormat if you allow her next or near your son.

Fuck this 'loving granny' bullshit for a steaming pile of bullshit from ONE poster who is massively projecting.

She's a toxic, controlling, MEDICALLY ILLEGALLY INTERFERING, poisonous bitch.

I honestly agree with PP who are surprised you still allow supervised contact through your DP! She is literally incapable of seeing your child independently, what on earth can a child gain from seeing a tertiary relative like that?

Young children benefit SOLELY from positive people and relationships. When they get older, they do gain a little from less pleasant ones - but only in the sense of learning what sort of behaviour isn't acceptable and to stay the fuck away from.

OP, why are you still being a saint? Why are you giving out visitation as if its her right? Its not!!

I think OP is doing the right thing in appearing entirely reasonable and NOT cutting off contact just yet. Like I say, if outsiders are going to be brought in, she needs to look whiter than white and show that she's done everything she can to accommodate the needs of both sides.

She really doesn't need to look whiter than white. She is a parent. She controls reasonable access to her child.