MIL from Hell, like she's actually a Demon

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

A few of you may remember my previous post about my situation with my DP's family, I'm not going to list every single thing that has happened between us because it would take me about 3 days but I'll just post about the latest argument

So due to a load of arguments and frankly disgusting comments about myself from my partners family but mostly his mother I have gone completely NC with his family, I allowed visitation 5pm-7pm in a Tuesday every week and a few hours every weekend, PIL would call DP when outside and he would take DS out to car and same when they brought DS home so I don't have to see them. Anyway almost 2 weeks ago now I got a text from my DP's cousin saying she was looking forward to seeing me and DS that afternoon, without going into too much detail about all the drama I explained I wouldn't be going but I was glad MIL was taking DS to visit cousin and her DC, during the course of the conversation cousin mentioned that MIL was taking my DS to cousins house to have his hair cut, this was arranged completely without mine or DP knowledge and I was furious, mostly because it's his first haircut and when he is ready for a haircut I feel me and his dad should be the ones to take him. A few MN users suggested cousin maybe knew that it was behind my back and that's why she text (was unusual for her to text me) I have since spoken to cousin again (her child was in hospital so I rang to see how her DD was) cousin confirmed she felt uneasy doing the haircut without speaking to me but she also told me that MIL has been calling me all sorts behind my back and has stated "I will have my boys back with me before Christmas" meaning my DP and my DS, this was all discussed in front of my DS who yes may be a baby now and not understand but he eventually will and I do not trust her to not speak negatively in front of him.

I have sat my DP down and now told him that the Tuesday contact will be stopped and that if she wants DS on a weekend for a few hours then my DP must also go with them, she is not to have my DS unsupervised. DP seems to have located his spine suddenly because he actually completely supported me and agreed (think he was fuming other family now also been dragged into it)

Now my MIL is threatening to call social services on me (I'm emotionally abusing my DS by keeping him away from his family) and she will be seeking legal advice about taking me to court for visitation, I will post this in the legal section too but I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with social services or grandparents rights

Surely this mental woman can't get legal unsupervised time with my child?

She's a cunt. SS and lawyers will laugh her out of the room. I'd stop contact completely. What kind of grandparent can this kind of person be to your son?

@FirstTimeMummyDS88 she has NO rights in court hun, the only time SS give a shit about grandparents is when they want to dump the GC on them that the parents aren't capable of caring for !! No judge can force a GC to see its grandparents.

Oh dear god I’m with a mil who used to tell me as long as all three of her dc were with her at Christmas she couldn’t care less.
Everyone avoids her so it’s not us. We haven’t spent a Christmas with her since tbh.
I think you’re right and MIL disrespected both you and your dh taking your son for his first haircut. Let her howl. No one is going to do anything to you. She sounds really controlling and for the first time it looks like she’s losing her grip of control over your dh. Good luck op

Btw also sounds like she’s using her controlling tactics to bully you and dh into doing what she wants. It’s about the control. Stick to your guns. No unsupervised contact

Good on you for standing up for yourself. SS won't do anything, she's an absolute lunatic. She's had enough chances, I'd be cutting her off completely.

Have you got physical evidence of her accessing your records and changing your appointments? Or at least, evidence of her telling you? I don't think you realise the leverage you hold over this crazy woman. You can cause her to lose her job.

I would be very inclined to have a quiet word with her and tell her that if she doesn't wind her neck in IMMEDIATELY, that you will be going to the Trust to report her for accessing your records. Its nasty, but sometimes you have to activate the nuclear option when dealing with people like this.

Please talk to the solicitor about her accessing your medical records etc too. I wouldn't hesitate at all reporting that to the hospital. It's unforgivable. Also, will stand you in good stead if she does try to peruse legal action - her case will crumble before it's even started with that alone.
A haircut isn't just a haircut, my dm mistakingly thought I'd given her permission to trim my dds fringe (she's loving but a bit bonkers!) I didn't react especially because unlike your MIL I know she wouldn't purposely upset me/do something I wouldn't be comfortable with... but I was so upset. My dd is nearly 3, has had a tiny trim at the hairdressers once to tidy some stragglers but it's such and emotional thing for me, and the first haircut is such a milestone.
I think you are being incredibly generous at this point by offering any contact, I think the initial set up of twice a week without you is very very generous, too generous in fact. Especially when she's a crazy bitch.
Even if she were to get any substantial contact your ds would get to an age where she can see through her bs and refuse to go.

@funnylittlefloozie

The only evidence I have is the letters with original appointments then a letter cancelling and rescheduling the appointment at a different time, I kept this at my mums advice as I think my mum saw all this coming a long time ago.

But my partner also works at the hospital and has told me it is actually traceable who assessed my records, when I was pregnant he had to do some sort of vested internet form thing and wasn't able to go into my files even when part of his job was too, if my file ended up on his desk he had to pass it on to another staff member

The hospital will be able to see on their computer systems exactly who has logged on and viewed your information/changed your details. She will have looked at every electronic record you have and likely through your whole medical records.
Don't give her any warning, cut her down.

Woah!
She sounds like a full on, grade a, malign narcissist
Unilateral no contact is probably the only solution, but keep a detailed log of everything just in case

I hate this woman for you OP.
What a nasty piece of sh#t.
How on earth does her husband put up with her?

She has no rights as a grandparent so ignore her nonsense.

But they can go to court to gain access rights.

I do know someone who has fought to see her DGC. As the mother had previously let her DS stay eow, been happy for DS to go on holiday with them etc the magistrate ordered the mother to allow access. They now have him at least once a month.

I would hope, that if she went to court, the cousin would speak up so that no magistrate in their right mind would allow unsupervised access at all.

Yes very important that you keep your powder dry....do not let on!

If she's done that thing with accessing your medical records she will have done lots of other 'illegal' stuff, because she is the most important person she must have what she wants and the ends justify the means

Her main things she is threatening SS for are apparently I'm emotionally abusive by not letting her see DS and also that I caused his growth restriction during pregnant and now he has a slight development delay, she says I caused this because I went out drinking when I was around 3 weeks pregnant, I didn't know I was pregnant until 7 weeks and as soon as I found out I never touched so much as a drop of alcohol (even when the midwife actually told me a glass of red would help my anaemia, I just ate loads of extra leafy green veg to the point I was almost green myself) I even stopped drinking coffee which was like going cold turkey of crack 😂

@FirstTimeMummyDS88 I can confirm what was said about people being traceable when accessing hospital records is absolutely true. Every person has their own unique login to each system and there is an audit trail of every single person that has looked at a document, be that blood results or referrals whatever. If she has changed your appt without permission or knowledge then they can see, she will be in a whole heap of shit

She has absolutely no value in your life, or that of anybody else.

She only taints and ruins those she is contact with.

I believe people like SS and the like will know exactly what she is and backYOU to this hilt.

Does she still work in the hospital? I’d let them know what she did to you and how she breached your confidentiality. People need to be protected from people like her

I think the temptation here is to go into fight, flight or freeze mode and that's what she's relying on by provoking you in this way.

If you can somehow find your voice to speak to her in a direct, neutral way, perhaps with a friend with you for support and communicate clearly to her what you will and will not tolerate from now on:

"I am no longer prepared to tolerate you spreading idle gossip about me."

"I am no longer prepared to put up with your threats. I understand my legal position and yours."

"I am prepared to accompany my son to visit you x times per month. This will need to be in mutual territory until we both feel comfortable meeting elsewhere".

I sympathise deeply as both my m and my ex-mil are poisonous old cows.

There's a great book i've been reading called ' Adult children of emotionally immature parents' which is aimed more towards those whose parents are like your MIL but it has loads of great, psychologically proven advice on how to communicate with these damaged individuals.

Does she still have a house key?
Change the locks.

Report her to the hospital.
Idoit MIL obviously doesn't know what IT audits are.

What a terrible situation. You may like to read this. www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/information/what-are-grandparents-rights/

OP, seeing the trajectory this is going on I would stop all contact. How old is your DS? We went to see relatives who were dreadful to my Mum and it has really affected both my sister and I. Since we were loyal to Mum we became targets too.

We went NC with my MIL when she started talking about contacting SS after DH raised with her how critical she was of me. I wouldn't have my DS (who is very sensitive) growing up seeing his mother bullied - what message would I be sending? The situation was similar to yours. The criticisms sounded silly when I recounted them (I decorated our house to look like a prison, DH needed to financially protect himself from me, I did the wedding seating plan wrong) but all together it was constant. 10 minutes couldn't pass without some sort of dig. You aren't harming your DS by protecting your mental health. He has a right to feel happy and proud about his family which your MIL is standing in the way of.

My mother stopped me seeing my grandmother and it hurt me badly. They did not get on but my grandmother was always incredibly loving to me. And my mother hurt me alot by doing what she did , to this day I have problems forming relationships because I was taken away from a natural relationship ( grandmother is very important in a child's life). Please look at it from the child's side

And my DM did let me spend time with my grandmother who she didn't get on with and it was damaging for both my sister and myself. She said terrible things about my DM to me and bullied my sister horribly, to the point of denying she was her grandchild.

So looking at it from the childs side, if there is a risk of emotional abuse (and that is what my grandmother did), the child should be protected from that.

@Jaimemai OPs child is a baby. I would cut contact this instant. It better than letting the child build a bond with a toxic GP. It only gets harder later. Also, its in the child's best interests to NOT have such toxic people in his life. How would it benefit any child in having a loving bond with a person who hates their mother??? There are plenty of nice people on this planet.

OP, I have a similar MIL. My husband took a few good years to grow a spine. (Even now he cant find it sometimes). We moved abroad and I can tell you, that's the ONLY thing that saved my marriage and sanity. I cut contacts with my MIL. Deleted her from everywhere. My child was 2 when we moved and she did have a bond with her granny. We continued skype sessions for a while and slowly stopped. My child never asks to see her now. we are in touch with other members of the family and she is happy.

If I have to give you one piece of advise OP, its MOVE. Move as far away as you can. All relationships have arguments and rough patches. You don't want a monster waiting for the right opportunity to destroy your marriage around you.

@81Byerley

Thankyou
Looking at that it seems she would have to apply for permission to apply for a court order for access and if I can prove that her seeing him unsupervised it detrimental to his mental health as he gets older then she would never even get past the first stage

I have a full conversation via text between me and the cousin where she states that my MIL said about having her boys where they belong with her before Christmas
I've got numerous screenshots of messages she has sent my DP telling him they there will always be rooms at her house for them when they have had enough of me and calling me names and blaming me for sons premature birth (absolutely no evidence that his growth restriction was anything to do with anything I did)

@cake7pn

My DS will be 1 next week
I know some people may think the haircut thing is ridiculous for me to be angry about but I can literally name another 100 things on top of that where I have been insulted, disrespected and undermined. I don't want my DS to grow up thinking I'm a doormat