MIL from Hell, like she's actually a Demon

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

A few of you may remember my previous post about my situation with my DP's family, I'm not going to list every single thing that has happened between us because it would take me about 3 days but I'll just post about the latest argument

So due to a load of arguments and frankly disgusting comments about myself from my partners family but mostly his mother I have gone completely NC with his family, I allowed visitation 5pm-7pm in a Tuesday every week and a few hours every weekend, PIL would call DP when outside and he would take DS out to car and same when they brought DS home so I don't have to see them. Anyway almost 2 weeks ago now I got a text from my DP's cousin saying she was looking forward to seeing me and DS that afternoon, without going into too much detail about all the drama I explained I wouldn't be going but I was glad MIL was taking DS to visit cousin and her DC, during the course of the conversation cousin mentioned that MIL was taking my DS to cousins house to have his hair cut, this was arranged completely without mine or DP knowledge and I was furious, mostly because it's his first haircut and when he is ready for a haircut I feel me and his dad should be the ones to take him. A few MN users suggested cousin maybe knew that it was behind my back and that's why she text (was unusual for her to text me) I have since spoken to cousin again (her child was in hospital so I rang to see how her DD was) cousin confirmed she felt uneasy doing the haircut without speaking to me but she also told me that MIL has been calling me all sorts behind my back and has stated "I will have my boys back with me before Christmas" meaning my DP and my DS, this was all discussed in front of my DS who yes may be a baby now and not understand but he eventually will and I do not trust her to not speak negatively in front of him.

I have sat my DP down and now told him that the Tuesday contact will be stopped and that if she wants DS on a weekend for a few hours then my DP must also go with them, she is not to have my DS unsupervised. DP seems to have located his spine suddenly because he actually completely supported me and agreed (think he was fuming other family now also been dragged into it)

Now my MIL is threatening to call social services on me (I'm emotionally abusing my DS by keeping him away from his family) and she will be seeking legal advice about taking me to court for visitation, I will post this in the legal section too but I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with social services or grandparents rights

Surely this mental woman can't get legal unsupervised time with my child?

OP, there is no way to "fix" these people. You cannot make them behave decently and think pleasant thoughts, no matter what you do or say.

If I were you I would be changing my house locks as a minimum but preferably moving to a new address, without giving them details. Block them everywhere you can.

And definitely do something about your MIL accessing your records and changing details. She should not be allowed to carry on doing that kind of thing, it is utterly abhorrent.

Just think how much nicer your lives will be without them in it. You will have peace at last.

I would block MIL and SIL, stop using “legalese” terms like “visitation” and “access” which imply that they actually have rights. They don’t. The whole set-up is totally sick. Just take control and don’t be afraid of them. Tell them to go away and leave your family alone, because you get to set these rules!!!

I agree you need to stop visitation

You also need to back away from other peoples drama - she feeds off this crap and you are joining in her games - back away

OP, you haven’t answered why you won’t make a complaint about the breach of data..?

If you were to fall pregnant again, what is stopping her doing the same thing again? What is stop her accessing any paediatrician records or appointments that your son may have? You really need to make a complaint not only for yourself, but also to protect your son.

I also agree with PP, stop using legalese! It’s not visitation, it’s not access....it’s popping in/over (and personally, l wouldn’t allow this).

Thankfully now, your DP has grown a spine and will be working in a different location.

I feel stressed just ready about it! I really feel for you OP. Your MIL is an absolute witch.

You are doing the right think OP, my grandma could be very critical of many things including my mum, to be fair she didn't say it in front of me but I overheard her several times and it was awful. I didn't realise the affect it had until I had some private counciling. Words affect a child and babies understand tone.

@FirstTimeMummyDS88 I think you sound like an amazing level headed person, someone who I would like in my life, as said above don't go to a Solictor yet. Just go no contact and if your DP wants to take your little boy to see him mum he is to always be present. He also should not allow her to speak badly of you in any way, " if you speak like that we are going home".
I would also make a verbal complaint to the hospital and advise them you don't want to put it in writing as you are afraid she may see this on your record ( I'm sure she still snoops ( are the GP records accessible via the hospital records)
I wouldn't block her on your phone because if she is acting up at least you know, but don't react or reply to her.
I have found ( sadly) that going NC is for you (me) quite powerful.

The OP is quite rightly seeing a solicitor because Psycho MiL is threatening all sorts and the OP needs to be sure of her ground, not just taking advice from a bunch of randoms on the internet.

She can discuss SS, access, data breaches and sheer craziness with a professional which will be far more reassuring than anything we can say.

Will also be ammunition to use to persuade her DP that once and for all his family need kicking into touch.

I'm just going to a solicitor to get a bid of advice on what will happen if she goes through with her threats. I don't want to be blindsided with letters from her solicitor or a visit from SS, I'd like to know exactly what my options are if or when things escalate

As I have explained earlier that MiL is not seeing DS now for the next 2 weekends as we have other plans, after that I have told DP (and he agreed) that her seeing DS will be more sporadic and spontaneous, like he will ring her on a Friday night and say "me and baby will pop up for an hour tomorrow if your not busy"

I understand people asking why I haven't already reported the hospital situation. I suppose it's was because I had quite a stressful birth and i imagine nothing can put a strain on a relationship like your partner getting your mother sacked. I have already told my DP that if and when we decided to have another baby I would be going to another hospital

A solicitor's a really good idea, OP. It seems to be a general view that grandparents' rights are not a 'thing' in the UK (technically they're not; it's couched in the language of the rights of the child), but the situation is normally far more complicated. And it's so dependent upon individual circumstances that there is only so much people can tell you online, even if a similar situation has happened to them.

The process of having to apply for permission to take these cases to court is often a put-off factor - as it's intended to be, to weed out the would-be malicious litigants who are using the court to assert their power against parents. Cost is also a put-off factor. But if you have litigious relatives who are not dissuaded by these issues, and who do apply for permission, then unfortunately we as parents could have a problem.

I'm navigating similar waters myself, but your MiL sounds a hell of a lot worse than mine. The violation of your confidential medical records is particularly disgusting. But the fact that I'm now compelled to 'manage the situation', rather than cut that toxicity completely out of our lives, is a source of extreme frustration to me. You have my full sympathies.

I think you need to speak to DP about her accessing your records and the risk that poses as any future treatment you or DS have she will be reading and potentially telling others.

Perhaps DP can see sense and tell her to back off and if there is any suspicion of her doing it again then you (both of you) will have no choice but to do a GDPR request. Certainly something to discuss, I just have this horror that she could try and use medical information against you..

You can do the "I don't want to get her sacked but I need confidentiality" what are you going to do about it? Does that hospital have an A&E attached - is it your local major hospital?

Aw OP she’s bloody hard work isn’t she!

I’d be stopping all visiting while she is threatening SS. I’d also be reporting the possibility of her changing your hospital appointments, it’s all footprinted now so they can see easily when and how often she’s accessing your records.

How trust worthy is cousin? Is she someone who could be on the inside for you and let you know what MIL’s plans are?

I understand people asking why I haven't already reported the hospital situation. I suppose it's was because I had quite a stressful birth and i imagine nothing can put a strain on a relationship like your partner getting your mother sacked. I have already told my DP that if and when we decided to have another baby I would be going to another hospital

OP you are an extremely empathetic person I’m in awe.

Well at least it means you have a nuclear weapon to deploy.

'Her behaviour is utterly disturbing. I don't want her near or influencing my son, and I intend to keep them at arms' length. If I am forced to take public action to ensure this, such as reporting MIL for accessing my data, I will do so. So if she doesn't want to be sacked for gross misconduct, perhaps she had better consider doing exactly what she is told regarding my son and keeping her nose out of my family'

OP I understand you not wanting to put strain on your relationship by getting his mother sacked... but you do know you wouldn't be getting her sacked... she'd have done it to herself!

I can understand you not wanting to open that can worms, but she has done it to herself.

What amazes me is that she can't see that you have as much love for your son as she does (albeit in a twisted possessive way) for her son and her best option would be to stop the badmouthing of you and be resonable and to stop being intrusive and overstepping boundaries. The fact that she cannot see that would suggest she is a narcissist.

I would go NC, she does seem deranged. Even suggesting SS involvement would be a dealbreaker for me.

Hope the solicitor went well, I think pre empting it and finding out how to not make it so she can claim visitation rights is a good move.

What did the solicitor say?
I would also say nothing to get and let her try and loose her son in the process.

The hospital records is a huge issue, she could access your records any time, she has already proven she will do it so what makes you think she won’t do it again. I may be wrong but I thought all medical records were linked now so she could read up on any illnesses or treatments you are having, why would you continue to let her have such personal access?
The woman is batshit and dangerous, you are being far too nice here.

Having read the whole thread just wow OP 😱 although I think its overused on here I agree with a few pp that she has Narcissistic PD. Seriously OP stop trying to be nice and maintain a relationship for your son because she will in years to come drip her venom against you into his ears! People like her don't change because in their minds they're always right.

Getting legal advice is a good idea but not for the SS threat I doubt they'd even bother to take her seriously and even if they did whats the worse they'll see ...shock horror! a well cared for and loved baby. She sounds unhinged and her behaviour is certainly in stalking territory I think you need an injuction! As for accessing your hospital records and appointments and changing them I wouldn't threaten her with spilling the beans because it'll tip her off and she'll cover her tracks. I think you definitely need to make a complaint and ask for an investigation because if she's done it once chances are she does it regularly and what if she added stuff in like lies about you etc? She certainly sounds capable of it and thats leaving your privacy incredibly vulnerable. Thats a very serious breach of data protection and shouldn't be ignored what if she does it to others? Glad your DP has grown a spine but seriously you or even he needs to report that because she could do alot of damage having that kind of access to personal information family or not she has no right whatsoever to do that! Lastly go NO CONTACT! Fucking hell the whole family all sound batshit crazy don't be a doormat and allow contact just tell them to get fucked and enjoy your family

God luck op

The solicitor basically said that I shouldn't worry about the SS, if I do get a visit just explain she's made a malicious complaint and present any evidence I have to them. Also if she reports me to SS more than once and all complaints are deemed to be malicious and unfounded then I can report her to the police for harassment

OP your posts resonates with me so much, I went through this a few years ago with my in laws. Without going into too much detail we did get the police involved re: harassment and was taken seriously, we went NC completely after the threats of legal involvement and abuse at our doorstep. My car was followed, they turned up at our work places (me and DHs) and members of my family have been followed by my DHs nutter family. I protected my DC from all this and will never allow them to see them again. They try their luck every now and again to cause trouble but we just ignore as a reaction is what they want. FWIW our marriage is saved, my sanity is back and we are enjoying life more than ever since we stood up and said no more. Please just cut the contact. For all your sakes. Your DH May feel he is obliged to put up with giving her contact but he doesn’t, you have more than enough reasons to never see the twisted old bat again. Xx

OP they all sound unbelievably ghastly. Cut them off.

She sounds horrendous. I would report your concerns to the hospital. Is there any chance she could have got a friend to access your records for her?

Actually ANYONE can apply to a court for 'leave' to approach a court for contact with a child. So an unscrupulous solicitor could well take her money off her.

It wouldn’t be unscrupulous to take money off her because a) solicitors act on instructions from their clients (even if they are contrary to the solicitor’s advice) and b) she’s hardly likely to give the same account of events that OP has.