MIL from Hell, like she's actually a Demon

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

A few of you may remember my previous post about my situation with my DP's family, I'm not going to list every single thing that has happened between us because it would take me about 3 days but I'll just post about the latest argument

So due to a load of arguments and frankly disgusting comments about myself from my partners family but mostly his mother I have gone completely NC with his family, I allowed visitation 5pm-7pm in a Tuesday every week and a few hours every weekend, PIL would call DP when outside and he would take DS out to car and same when they brought DS home so I don't have to see them. Anyway almost 2 weeks ago now I got a text from my DP's cousin saying she was looking forward to seeing me and DS that afternoon, without going into too much detail about all the drama I explained I wouldn't be going but I was glad MIL was taking DS to visit cousin and her DC, during the course of the conversation cousin mentioned that MIL was taking my DS to cousins house to have his hair cut, this was arranged completely without mine or DP knowledge and I was furious, mostly because it's his first haircut and when he is ready for a haircut I feel me and his dad should be the ones to take him. A few MN users suggested cousin maybe knew that it was behind my back and that's why she text (was unusual for her to text me) I have since spoken to cousin again (her child was in hospital so I rang to see how her DD was) cousin confirmed she felt uneasy doing the haircut without speaking to me but she also told me that MIL has been calling me all sorts behind my back and has stated "I will have my boys back with me before Christmas" meaning my DP and my DS, this was all discussed in front of my DS who yes may be a baby now and not understand but he eventually will and I do not trust her to not speak negatively in front of him.

I have sat my DP down and now told him that the Tuesday contact will be stopped and that if she wants DS on a weekend for a few hours then my DP must also go with them, she is not to have my DS unsupervised. DP seems to have located his spine suddenly because he actually completely supported me and agreed (think he was fuming other family now also been dragged into it)

Now my MIL is threatening to call social services on me (I'm emotionally abusing my DS by keeping him away from his family) and she will be seeking legal advice about taking me to court for visitation, I will post this in the legal section too but I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with social services or grandparents rights

Surely this mental woman can't get legal unsupervised time with my child?

OP
glad your DP has grown a spine at last!
Also glad your cousin was decent enough to warn you about the planned haircut
totally get why you are going NC. She sounds unhinged!
Has your DP told her that if she goes to SS he will have nothing more to do with her?

This woman is toxic and deranged - her threats re social services and legal action are simply all the more reason to keep your DS far, far away from her!

If it were me, there is not a hope in hell that I would let this woman anywhere near my son, supervised or not. If she wants to change her ways and give you a sincere and fulsome apology, then maybe there could be supervised very infrequent contact.

You are most certainly NOT emotionally abusing your DC by keeping him from his family - your primary job as a parent is to protect your DS, and that includes protecting him from toxic relatives. Your MIL does not get to act so poisonously and get a free pass because she's his grandmother - that's just more emotional blackmail from her, and all the more reason to go NC for your DS's sake.

I actually find her very scary. I wouldn't rule out a restraining order against her in future if needed/warranted. Hope you're ok OP, glad your DP is supporting you.

Don't write to her.
Do.Not.Write.To.Her.
No need for a solicitor - just cease contact. Block her on your phone and social media.

God OP, she sounds like an absolute evil witch. I think you are extremely generous in even contemplating giving her any sort of contact with your child. I have to echo PP and say that if I were in your situation she would be looking at NC and that would have started at half of what you have been through. Definitely consult a solicitor. She can’t be left to get away with how she has treated you and as for accessing your hospital records!? That’s ridiculous. She deserves to lose her job over that and have to deal with NC as a result of her actions.

Good luck OP - don’t let the evil witch grind you down

@poobumwee
Yes he has

She is utterly loopy! I would make quite clear that you have the upper hand. You no longer trust her not to do things against your will. Supervised access only until she can tow the line and be trusted. Also, is it worth considering some sort of mediation for the sake of your son though?

To confirm, OP, I agree with PPs:
NO visitation for MIL with your DS at all! You have no obligation to her.
NO letter from you. Do not put anything in writing - she will twist it and use it against you.

Delete all her contact details, go NC and Grey Rock.

Then enjoy your DS and DP free from this toxic negative woman.

Stop calling it access - DO NOT refer to it as 'access' especially to her and especially not in writing.

She CHANGED your appointments? I missed that. OP that's not normal. I would have real misgivings about having someone who would do that involved with your family at all. I'm really not surprised that this is happening.

It ISN'T 'access'. She has no 'access' rights - it is not her child. You need to reframe this. If you and your DP wish to visit family with your child that is up to you, if you do not, that is up to you.

I think it is time for a serious conversation with your DP where you make it quite clear that the relationship needs to be changed permanently. Right now, no visits. Longer term, and after some serious laying the law down, either continued no contact or, DEFINITELY, no regular visits which can be interpreted as 'access' and (I would say) no visits without you. She wants you to be cut out so she can play mummy. Err no. Going forward, she can maybe meet you ALL for a coffee or at soft play and see him for a bit. Take it or leave it. And make it very clear that the slightest HINT of her thinking she has any 'rights' and you will be in there with a complaint to NHS.

If she will no longer get 'her boys' to herself, she may well stop bothering. This is about control, not relationships. You have to show a united front.

And make it very clear to your DP that for now, the best way to ensure that there is eventually some sort of relationship is to get tough NOW. Cut contact NOW and make it damn clear that she calls no shots here, she is a part of YOUR family on YOUR say so and she certainly won't be getting your son, alone, away from you, to undermine your relationship. Hopefully, she will be able to back off and play nicely, then you can let her have time with your DS safely.

I think keeping the texts as evidence of her behaviour is a good idea. To be honest, I wouldn't spend too much time documenting everything else, as it would be your word against hers so not 'prove-able'. Get this woman out of your life, but more importantly, get her out of your head so you can enjoy your baby.

OP, I agree, no letter. It'll just be ammunition for her.

And while you do have copies of letters for the appointments and them being changed, you need more information to confirm it was MIL. It may now be worth trying to find out, eg a Data Access request, to see who has accessed your records.

DP has said if she goes through with her SS threat then he will never see her again

Then with any luck she will follow through and there will be a reason to cut contact. Her behaviour is unreasonable. Surely the courts will she is toxic and not a good influence to your children.

If she’s denigrating you to the children, the courts will see that she is not a good influence.

Also, 'visitation'. No. Stop using formal terms which imply she has rights, that this is a solid arrangement that has been formalised.

From now on refer to 'popping in'. 'If we come and visit then yes we will bring DS'. 'We'll come and say hello for a bit'. Informal. Not for the express purpose of her getting time with DS.

Most of all though, make damn sure you have a good few weeks where she doesn't see him. She will be keeping a record I suspect - I would think she's researched what 'rights' she might have and will absolutely be ready with 'evidence' that you have an arrangement that she sees him, an ongoing relationship. Stop that for now and be clear with your DP that you won't budge on it, until this is sorted out, she does not see him and from now on she will never see him without you present.

While the MIL is obviously the main issue the whole family are awful. The FIL is extremely homophobic (he says it's a age thing and laughs it off) but my best friend of over 12 years is a lesbian in a long term loving relationship and my DS adores his "Aunties" they are a big part of his life. One day FIL once again used the emergency key to let himself in while my friends were playing with DS, I had popped to corner shop for milk while they had him occupied, after they had left he made a comment saying he worried that my DS will grow up thinking "that's normal" and we need to "stop him getting any ideas". The fact he is actually stupid enough to think his mum having friends who are gay is enough to make my son Gay would be hilarious if it wasn't so infuriating, I don't care if my son one day brings a man or a woman home as long at they are a good person who makes my DS happy. When I explained to FIL I would not have that kind of talk in my house or around me and my child he told me to stop being so bloody sensitive and then I got an email later from SIL telling me off for upsetting her Father

Just read your previous posts! Forget mediation. I take it all back. The SIL from Australia calling you to have a go at your FIL feeling awkward for walking in on you breastfeeding!! Good god. Tell her to wind her neck in. It's.got nothing to do with her.

@CorBlimeyGovenor

Yeah if I'm so sensitive about being seen breastfeeding I should do it in bedroom behind closed doors

He let himself in to my house unannounced!!

Write it all down OP!

All great evidence for why there should be, if anything, a very limited relationship that is compltely at your discretion.

Oh God OP! What a crazy couple your inlaws are! Whats this emergency key thing? Do you have an emergency key to their house?

Get that emergency key back and don't open the door if they come unannounced. Start drawing boundaries OP. High time!

I know. I just read that bit!! Jesus!! Your SIL has got right under my skin though. Maybe because I can relate somewhat. She needs to keep her 'snout out'.

I've got the key back and they are not allowed over my front door and haven't been for months

She talking crap! She has no rights as a common law grandparent so tell her to shut it, and protect your child from a narcissistic old bag!

Why don't you wait till you have spoken to the solicitor?

I wouldn't even waste money on a solicitor, totally ignore her, keep your OH on side and let her make any moves. Keep a detailed record of anything she does or says and get OH to keep all messages etc she sends to him.

Either take that emergency key off them or change the locks. You need to put boundaries in place.

Oh my god what a weirdo! I would hold fast with strict boundaries (definitely supervised contact at most) and otherwise ignore the bitch

My DS consultant has told me with her in the room (she insisted on coming to check up)

She cannot insist on attending medical appointments for your son, she has no more tights than a stranger off the street.
If you don't make a complaint regarding her abuse of data protection during your first pregnancy make sure that if you have another baby the hospital is aware of her abuse and insist that she has nothing to do with you and that her IT use is monitored.

@LadyRannaldini

She just walked into the room and I didn't want to cause a scene
A. In front of a Consultant
B. In my DP's place of work
C. In front of my DS
D. I was just exhausted and physically couldn't argue with her at the time, DS was only a few weeks old and was having to be fed every 3 hours so I was a walking zombie, that coupled with an infection after the Csection I just couldn't fight her that day