Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

[neverendingflorist]

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

I have coeliac disease, so have to eat gluten free or it makes me quite unwell. But if a friend tried to cook gluten free for me and doesn't realise that I can't have (e.g.) soy sauce, or I need my butter from a separate block that doesn't have any rogue breadcrumbs in it, I'll let them know for next time but will suck it up, be grateful for the effort they've made, and deal with feeling unwell the next day

WTF, why on earth would you do that to yourself lol?!
Your friend would be gutted if she thought you'd kept quiet as you were too shy to say anything, I know I would!
That's like me eating a mushroom risotto (too much milk) and sucking up the fact I'd spend the next day on the toilet and/or throwing up.
(Sorry, TMI, but just no, WTF lol )

Strange mbosnz because I put vegetarian lasagne recipe into Google and the first five or six results either specified “vegetarian hard cheese”, “vegetarian cheese” or “Parmesan (or vegetarian alternative)”. So in fact I find it pretty hard to believe that anyone looking for a veggie lasagne recipe would not be alerted to the fact that not all cheeses are vegetarian, even if they had previously had no idea.

How odd, because it was literally the first one I clicked on. And I guess, if you're planning a meal, and then to do a veggie one on the side, to be fair, your focus might be on the main event, so to speak - so you might gloss over some rather vital information that if you were being a bit more thorough, you might have picked up on. . .

I agree that if the host had looked up a recipe then she would probably have seen vegetarian cheese specified. It's quite hard to make up an interesting cheese board for vegetarians too. I have got to the point of wondering if it's worth having people round for supper anymore. I have one vegetarian friend who is on the keto diet and that is just about impossible. I can't be bothered cooking separate meals so sometimes 7 people eat vegan because one person is. And although it's perfectly possible and interesting to experiment I'm getting a bit fed up with it really.

@GraceSlicksRabbit
Strange mbosnz because I put vegetarian lasagne recipe into Google and the first five or six results either specified “vegetarian hard cheese”, “vegetarian cheese” or “Parmesan (or vegetarian alternative)”. So in fact I find it pretty hard to believe that anyone looking for a veggie lasagne recipe would not be alerted to the fact that not all cheeses are vegetarian, even if they had previously had no idea

Well, I've just put that to the test out of curiosity and the very first hit for vegetarian lasagne calls for sodding parmesan
So is there any wonder this thread has run to nearly 40 pages and people really don't know?!
I'm from an extremely meat eating household and family, there's no way I'd have known if it wasn't for DH being a strict veggie for 20 years (recently turned vegan)
Hands up if you're never going to forget that parmesan isn't actually veggie now...

Link?

She probably didn’t look up a recipe though just adapted the meat one with roasted vegetables

Limekiwi - are you a fellow kiwi? As opposed to fruit?! In which case, yes, culturally we're very observant omnivores, aren't we?!

Link? OK

www.deliaonline.com/recipes/type-of-dish/pasta/roasted-mediterranean-vegetable-lasagne

Parmesan in the ingredients!
There's no way you'd automatically look at that and think "can't do that, it's not veggie" - if you don't know parmesan isn't vegetarian, you'd be stuffed.
I mean, come on, it looks like Delia's confused too for crying out loud lol

That recipe is for “vegetable lasagne” not “vegetarian lasagne”. And in her introduction Delia tells vegetarians that they can buy vegetarian Parmesan-style cheese. She literally explains the very issue we are discussing here- how is she confused?!

You can buy Italian hard cheese in most supermarkets. They can't call it parmesan as it uses vegetable rennet instead of cow rennet. It's suitable for vegetarians though and tastes the same. I'm vegetarian and it's what I use.

Oh, I linked mine last night - it's back a ways.

I've just googled vegetarian lasagne and have been thrown up a long list of vegetable lasagnes, many of which have parmesan cheese.

Again - if you don't know, you don't know.

If I wasn't used to cooking for vegetarians, and googled vegetarian lasagne, it wouldn't occur to me to think a vegetable lasagne might not be suitable for vegetarians, and I'd just follow the recipe.

Clearly A knows now - but she's a step ahead of many vegetarians who aren't even aware.

And Delia even says “see recipe introduction” after Parmesan in the list of ingredients...

Even I didn't know that Parmesan wasn't veggie and I've got lots of veggie and vegan friends and cook for them all the time!

That recipe is for “vegetable lasagne” not “vegetarian lasagne"

As per my previous post, it wouldn't occur to many omnivores that a vegetable lasagne isn't suitable for a vegetarian.

Come on - why would it?

That recipe is for “vegetable lasagne” not “vegetarian lasagne

I googled vegetarian lasagne and that's the first one that came up.
OK, maybe it's not her who's confused, I missed that bit and it's Google that is instead lol. Sorry Delia should have known that you know really!

The second hit though - allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/34/vegetarian-lasagne.aspx

Calls for parmesan and no mention (what I can see!) that says not veggie.

That one a better link for you?!

I want lasagne now

Why should you be grateful and eat something that goes against values.
If I served up my old pet dog with assurances that he’d had a good life and had died humanely, would you eat that to be polite, or would you feel a bit repulsed at the prospect ? because that is how I would feel in the situation the op described.
People become veggies for many a reason, some for lifestyle, others for religious or ethical reasons, the latter are not refusing your food because they’re picky, precious or rude, they’re refusing it because it goes against their beliefs. Something that a lot of the posters on this thread are having difficulty grasping.

As per my previous post, it wouldn't occur to many omnivores that a vegetable lasagne isn't suitable for a vegetarian. Come on - why would it?

Exactly!

I would just have been pleased to have been invited.

Host was U.

Turns out Jamie Oliver doesn't know parmesan isn't vegetarian friendly either - this came up with the heading 'vegetarian pasta recipes' on my search as well. . .

www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/pasta-recipes/spinach-lasagne/

Funnily enough, much the same debate as to parmesan came up in the comments

Lime Emm, no. There's a note at the end of the instructions about Parmesan not being veggie.

Genuine question: I wonder if it would be better to just bring your own food if you have dietary requirements that differ greatly from your host's and the other guests? Or as some PP's have suggested, just say I'll have salad and bread, don't worry about a main course for me. I think I would do that if I only ate halal or kosher foods and knew that my hosts didn't.

One of my school friends had coeliac disease and his Mum always packed him a meal if he went around to a friend's house. Times have changed, but it did ensure that he was always OK.

I can't imagine going to someone's house and asking them to cook something different just for me.

Familyofaliens yes I totally would be happy with that!

You’d be happy to go to someone’s for dinner and be given salad and bread and nothing else? Sure you would.

This just confirms why I have more respect for vegans.

They take the whole thing much more seriously, and at least you know exactly where you stand with vegans!