Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

[neverendingflorist]

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

I didn't say she was vegan. If she is a vegetarian who doesn't eat cheese made with animal rennet, it would be helpful to say that to someone who is cooking so they know what to look for.

Many people wouldn't know that parmesan etc are made with animal products so if it is a deal breaker, B should make that clear.

Honestly, I think B should have just eaten it as a one off.
I think A was a good host, trying to ensure that B had the same meal as everyone else
(As an aside, I would have just made a large veggie lasagne for everyone, I'm far too lazy to make 2 meals!)

If I were B I'd have probably asked what was being made for me to see if I needed to ensure it met my dietary requirements, and if I were A I'd be running the recipe by B first especially if its my first time. I think you're both unreasonable for being so unkind to each other and not communicating effectively.

On a side note, I will now have to tell my cheese-loving vegetarian friend that she can't eat parmesan any more. Every day's a school day!

I think the vegetarian was rude (N.B. I am a vegetarian myself). I'm don't think it's widely known that some vegetarians don't eat certain cheese. As far as most people are aware, vegetarianism = no meat or fish. If the vegetarian is v strict about this, the onus was on her to mention it. It's not like the host served her meat whilst shouting 'But it's only CHICKEN!'

Many cheeses, including parmesan, are made with rennet from (cloned) microbes now and are considered vegetarian. It should say on the pack.

@kingsassassin you said vegetarian doesn’t automatically equal vegan - which implies you think Parmesan is fine for a vegetarian. It isn’t.

Why should the woman have to clarify she’s a vegetarian who doesn’t eat rennet? That’s the DEFINITION of vegetarian. Rennet is literally extracted from a cows stomach. Yuck.

On the face of it neither was unreasonable. Most people know or can easily find out parmesan isn't vegetarian however A obviously went to some effort to cater for B and just made an honest mistake. B should have been very gracious and appreciative of A's efforts but obviously wouldn't be able to eat the food.

I dont think B should have to eat an animal product just to be polite or keep someone happy.

I had no idea parmesan wasn't vegetarian. How would a non-vegetarian know that?

I would have assumed no meat, not no animal products. How confusing.

This is Mumsnet. The vegetarian is in the wrong. But not as much in the wrong as she would be if she was a vegan.

A made an effort to accommodate B. B should have appreciated that and understand that non-vegetarians don't have to know everything what vegetarians can or cannot eat. If B had had a better attitude, they probably could even quickly rustle up something together for B to eat, instead of ruining the party.

Also some pesto's are not vegetarian

If B wants to be served food she can eat, she needs to spell it out.
I’m vegetarian and as a poster said above, I’d have just eaten it. Vegetarianism for ethical reasons is about reducing suffering, Unless she doesn’t wear leather, or eat honey ( or is actually a vegan) then she isn’t being absolute, so she might as well eat it.

Bloody hell, I just googled this www.kitchentreaty.com/25-foods-that-seem-vegetarian-but-arent/

Worcester sauce?! French onion soup? Marshmallows?

Never would have occurred to me. I sympathise with A!

B needed to get over herself & just eat it. But who knew Parmesan wasn’t veggie, ?!

I'm vegetarian and I'd have just eaten it. It's not nice to make a stink when someone has made an effort to make you a meat free dinner.

Did A actually say 'but it contains parmesan'? This implies she was vaguely aware some vegetarians wouldn't eat parmesan..? Who knows, maybe not.

A was being a good host, B was an ungracious guest. Most vegetarians I know do eat cheese btw (but not jelly)

Hope A (OP) does not invite B again

I'd say neither were in the wrong tbh.

Most people don't know that parmesan isn't vegetarian. Ime even vegetarians often don't know and don't believe you when you tell them! So I don't think it's fair to expect the host to know.

I also don't think the vegetarian was in the wrong because they weren't to know the host was going to serve parmesan. I do think it would have be reasonable for them to give the host a heads up about hidden meat products though; e.g gelatine, parmesan, etc.

The onus was on the host to check what ingredients were suitable for the guest, or did she expect the guest to provide a long list of food items that she couldn’t eat? She was the one cooking. She was being thoughtless and cavalier.

It’s irritating when people assume they can just take the pepperoni off a pizza and it’ll somehow be vegetarian, or take the ham off a sandwich.... I’ve never eaten meat or fish, gelatine or parmesan in my life. The thought of it is repulsive. If you’re going to the effort of cooking for someone, I don’t think it’s too much effort to check whether cheese is vegetarian or not.

Who are you in this situation OP?

Bit of both. And depends on the exact things said.
A vegetarian is not going to eat parmesan... so no they are not in the wrong for not eating the dish. But I do think it's an easy mistake for someone to make about cheese so I think its unreasonable to get angry about it.
Both people should have just been nice about it and apologised to each other. It was an honest mistske.
I dont think the vegetarian should have had to eat the dish though.

Just a mistake. She doesn’t eat animal products and told the host. It’s not her job to then police the cooking as well. On the other hand, most people think vegetarians would eat Parmesan. Just make something else quickly.

I think they’re both being unreasonable.

A was a good host - b needs to get over it, she made an effort.

B was a good guest, she couldn’t eat it and didn’t.

Unless they were both obnoxious in their behaviour their actions seem fine.

I've been told in a restaurant before that their parmesan isn't veggie, when offered it to go with a veggie dish. It sounds like both parties could have been more understanding.

@MagicKingdomDizzy

It's not cheese that's the issue. It's the fact that parmesan isn't vegetarian as it contains rennet. Obviously the majority of other cheeses are fine for veggies.