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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

999 replies

neverendingflorist · 11/06/2019 14:16

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

OP posts:
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12
Gruzinkerbell1 · 11/06/2019 15:02

I am vegetarian. B was being unreasonable. Make sure not to invite them again! Vegetable lasagne sounds delicious.

Fyette · 11/06/2019 15:02

Neither were BU, except at the point that this escalated somehow.

I am vegetarian, but I occasionally eat food with fish/meat (by-)products, such as parmesan and tapenade, especially when food is prepared for me (and the damage is done, haha). However, I do have vegetarian friends who are indeed repulsed by the very thought.

When I have vegetarian guests myself, I usually cook vegan because it is just as easy and everyone draws the line somewhere else. Veganism is the ethical choice to me anyway, but personally I love cheese and yoghurt and am a difficult eater, so I am striving for "better" instead of "optimal".

SkydivingKittyCat · 11/06/2019 15:02

B should have made that clear as lots of people have no idea that cheese might contain animal byproducts

Where do you draw the line though?

B: I'd love to come, I'm vegetarian though, is that a problem?
A: no that's fine, see you Saturday evening
B: oh just so you know, vegetarian means I can't eat parmesan, pesto, jelly so hope it's not trifle for dessert, marshmallows, worcestershire sauce, most Thai dishes, E120, many beers and wines, lardy cake, Haribo, chocolate mousse....
A: Confused

FridaKahl0 · 11/06/2019 15:02

I am vegetarian. B was being unreasonable

How? What should they have done differently?

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 11/06/2019 15:02

B is a rude pain in the arse. I hope A doesn't invite her again.

EleanorOalike · 11/06/2019 15:03

I have Coeliac Disease and always fully explain what I can and can’t eat, offer to bring ingredients or provide my own food etc and always explain I understand and wouldn’t be offended if the host would prefer to withdraw their invitation once they find out my needs.

B comes across as rude and entitled. I knew about rennet but most people I know who aren’t vegetarian would have thought cheese was a safe bet. I feel sorry for A.

Peachsummer · 11/06/2019 15:03

I’d have no idea that cheese wasn’t vegetarian. And I wouldn’t google it because it wouldn’t even occur to me that cheese might not be vegetarian. I’d just have cooked something without meat or fish. Imo A tried their best while B sat on their arse and expected A to know exactly what is and isn’t vegetarian.

Also, I don’t understand how refusing that particular lasagne helped at all. Presumably the veggie is veggie to avoid killing animals. Binning the lasagne doesn’t help any animals - the cow is dead, the cheese has been bought. It’s just a waste.

As pp said, the host can’t be expected to know where that particular vegetarian draws the line regarding animal by products. Did the person refuse dessert? Why is it unacceptable to eat rennet in cheese but ok to eat bone char in sugar?

Dottierichardson · 11/06/2019 15:03

I’m a vegetarian but have a family member who isn’t and has Parmesan, just checked the packet and says very clearly ‘Not suitable for vegetarians’, a lot of packaging has this or the opposite ‘suitable for vegetarians’. So sounds as if the host didn’t check that carefully. And for the record I wouldn’t have eaten it, from my point of view like eating part of a corpse so not something I could just do for the sake of making someone feel okay; particularly as would likely make me retch…I have a friend who has Coeliac, when I cook for her, I spend time checking recipes that are okay for her, as a lot of sauces/condiments have added wheat or similar. Asking her for a list would make it seem as if cooking for her was a chore and that I’d only do it if she provided all the research, when the point of hosting is to prepare something that’s suitable for your guests and that they will enjoy, it’s also about making an effort on their behalf, so fair to say I think the host was at fault. Seem to be a lot of ungracious hosts on this thread. Similarly have a best friend who’s meat obsessed, goes to those head to hoof type restaurants she has cooked for me loads of times over the years, never once had to give her a list and never once did she cook something unsuitable

Crunchymum · 11/06/2019 15:04

I'm a meat eater and I know about Haribo / Wine / Parmesan

not sure how I even know but I do

I actually think its a bit unfair to expect the vegetarian to eat something containing a meat product. I can't think of a better analogy but you wouldn't expect an recovering alcoholic to be thrilled about eating food cooked with wine (despite it being cooked out / virtually no alcohol content etc...). Its the principle isn't it? If someone doesn't eat meat based products then they don't eat meat based products, no matter how small the amount?

BertrandRussell · 11/06/2019 15:04

What did B do that was rude?

ltk · 11/06/2019 15:05

For plenty of people, B couldn't win here. If she had listed every last ingredient that isn't veggie well before the dinner, that would be rude. To take her chances and just turn up, then be unable to eat it - even while apologising (as op said she did) - also rude, apparently.

It's no one's fault and B wasn't blaming A. It's just a mistake. They happen. No one was hurt (other than the cow).

BarryBarryTaylor · 11/06/2019 15:05

It’s very easy to google vegetarian recipes though...I don’t think it would have put the host out to just check before preparing the meal.

SkydivingKittyCat · 11/06/2019 15:07

B is being unreasonable, if someone is the kind of vegetarian that is that strict

No no, B is just a normal vegetarian by the very definition of the word.

Chamomileteaplease · 11/06/2019 15:07

B's argument of saying that there are thousands of things she can't eat must surely mean that she should have brought her own food? FFS.

Peachsummer · 11/06/2019 15:07

I have a friend who has Coeliac, when I cook for her, I spend time checking recipes that are okay for her
Yes but if you feed a coeliac wheat you’ll make them seriously ill. If you feed a veggie meat you’ll make them feel emotionally upset. Not the same really!

redstapler · 11/06/2019 15:08

Genuine mistake. If I was the host I'd have apologised and quickly whipped up some pasta with tomato sauce so they had something to eat.

Sandybval · 11/06/2019 15:08

The host cooked a separate meal, not just a half arsed effort some people do but a meal of equal effort to the one everyone else was eating. An honest mistake should be forgiven, it's not like she did it to be malicious; as a non-veggie she didn't know, as most people don't.

Dottierichardson · 11/06/2019 15:10

Yes but if you feed a coeliac wheat you’ll make them seriously ill. If you feed a veggie meat you’ll make them feel emotionally upset. Not the same really!

Well then you take the cake as far as ungracious hosts are concerned, draw the line at making your guests physically ill but any other kind of trauma is just fine!

RedToothBrush · 11/06/2019 15:10

Vegetarians don't eat meat. If B doesn't eat cheese then she should have made that clear. Most people would expect vegetarians to eat cheese.

Bollocks.

Most people are just ignorant and should know this. Its a basic level general knowledge and understanding vegetarians. Its not an extreme vegetarian position.

Its not a guest being rude, to point out what is vegetarism is and isn't. Its a host being a muppet, who hasn't thought.

Vegetarism is not a hard concept to understand.

Isthisafreename · 11/06/2019 15:12

@FridaKahl0 - Really? I mean, OP only said that

I'm a really slow typist. I was responding to the op, in which B definitely sounded rude and A sounded overly defensive. The update suggests neither were rude. It was just one of those things that result due to a misunderstanding. A assumed all cheese is vegetarian. B assumed everyone knew not all cheese is vegetarian.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/06/2019 15:12

B is a posturing twat. I bet B ranted on at all the other guests about the horrors of meat production all night, as well.

I have several friends with a comprehensive range of food allergies/intolerances/dislikes between them. They are all straighforwardly courteous about this: if they are invited for dinner, they explain clearly what they can and cannot eat and may suggest that they don't come for a meal but socialise some other way. B expected the host to know details B couldn't be arsed to provide, quite probably in order to school the host and other guests on the spot.

Lunde · 11/06/2019 15:13

You see even though I am not vegetarian I have known such the 1980s that many cheeses contain cow's stomach (rennet) so I have always picked one marked suitable for vegetarians.

I'm surprised that so few people know this

Deuxcaggages · 11/06/2019 15:14

I am veggie. I would appreciate the effort of the host, but I would not want to eat parmesan as a one off, anymore than I would want to eat a chicken nugget as a one off.
Its a misunderstanding, I would try to make minimal fuss but I just couldn't just 'eat it'.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 11/06/2019 15:14

What 'did' B eat in the end?

Breathlessness · 11/06/2019 15:15

I’m surprised by the attitude that vegetarians should just suck it up and not make a fuss when they’re given food with rennet in.

I wonder if some of it is due to all the people who call themselves vegetarian and then eat fish causing confusion about what it actually means to be a vegetarian.