To send this response re. party invite?

[Wavingwhiledrowning]

Another childrens party thread. I had no idea how tricky 5th birthday party politics would be to navigate!
So DS is having his party at a local soft play centre on Saturday. I sent out invites ages ago, but have had to chase loads of people up to get a response (that in itself really annoyed me!).

We invited the whole class, because it's a small village school and DS is something of a social butterfly! So it's not an especially small affair, and therefore not that cheap.

Last night DS's best friends mum messaged me to ask if her other daughter could come too. I don't want to say no, because I don't want to seem mean. But at the same time, I really think it's a bit CFish - each child is an extra £9 a head. It would also look a bit odd as DS has other friends with brothers and sisters that he knows better (and also know DD), so it feels like I'd be snubbing them.

So my response is going to be something like:
"Unfortunately we're at the limit headcount wise for the party food. But the play centre is still open as normal so your daughter would obviously be welcome to join in that way."
Is that OK and clear enough? (but not too abrupt?).
Thanks!

I always mention what happens with siblings at the invite stage as I have 3 and no childcare at times so it’s hard for me and I get it for others

I either say siblings welcome if it’s just a hall/my house and food or they can pay entry if it’s public or feel free to drop x off if it’s limited numbers. That way this doesn’t happen.

If I’ve got the invite I will always text the inviter to say I will either have to pay entry / drop off and pick up due to other children. It isn’t a big deal if you learn early!

Why not just say “I would love to say yes, but because there are so many other older siblings it would make it difficult to only include one and also we are at headcount.” Then add, that ...”The soft play is obviously open to the public (c£X) so if it would mean X missing it, then do feel free to bring her, but hope you understand we could not seat her for the food bit.”

The suggested responses are fab - don't get lumbered looking after &/or paying for someone's extra children - massive case of CF 'ery - used to drive me bloody insane when my kids were little!!

Perfect, OP.

Our dc were close and 21 months apart so they always attended each other's parties. Usually with a same age friend.

I used to let siblings join if it didn't make the event venue price go up. (Sometimes a last minute drop out so it was fine.)

I always had extra gift bags and food so any sibs got a watered down version of bags.

Your response as perfect.

IvanaPee

@emummy You are assuming she is English - she could easily be Scottish, Irish or Welsh

If she’s Irish she’s not British. Ffs!

Has no one mentioned Northern Ireland?

She didn’t say Northern Irish, she said Irish. And her ignorant PM to me afterwards proved that she meant Irish.

@Jaimemai there's a simple solution to you finding the English people rude when you visit. Don't visit. Please.

I think I’d say if there are any drop outs on the day she would be welcome to take someone’s place, other than that she could come to the normal session and play alongside the party children but there would possibly not be any spare food for her

Thank goodness I don't have young children as this is a minefield. Surely common sense dictates that siblings, unless also friends of birthday boy/girl, aren't invited. A class of 30 could potentially rise into 100s. Who has space and pocket s deep enough for that? Not to mention party bags. Another thing I don't understand is why today's children have to receive a present along with the birthday child. An unnecessary expense in my view but probably a subject for another thread.

Pathetic that so many people are saying she's a CF. Totally normal to take a younger sibling along if you are attending with an older one. Obviously you have to pay for them and they don't sit at the party table but it's a public place, like having a party in a park, whoever wants to go can. Obviously OP just pays for who she invited. Saying that I've always made sure all younger siblings are sat at the party table and join in the party games, it's meant to be a celebration.

@BogglesGoggles nothing rude about not inviting siblings, party is for child's friend. I'm from pakistani culture and understand the notion of collectivity, where things are done as family. Just because something is rude in your culture doesn't make it incorrect everywhere.

@HiJenny35 so in my post earlier I had 14 children @ £9.99 each for soft play, hot food and party bag.
I then had to pay for 9 CFS who brought their children along to play without mentioning it to me before the party. The soft play place stuck them on my tab so I had to pay £140 for the invited kids and then another £45ish for the siblings.

So IMO it is rude to rock up with random siblings that my child or I have ever met.

Would be different if it was a village hall type party where it doesn’t make any difference if there’s another couple of extra kids but not for a per head activity party.

@Waterfallgirl but you wouldn’t realistically end up with that many children. At my sons last party (whole class) he had ten kids. About half the class couldn’t make it and a couple of siblings came along. Even in a large class you end up with somewhere between 30-40 because so many children can’t make it and very few people actually bring siblings.

@animaginativeusername I addressed that above. Where there are elements of a culture that are underdeveloped you need to look at other cultures and measure the practice against principles of consideration (the distinguished between manners and customs). A practice isn’t valid merely because it’s normal in a culture. For instance, in my culture it’s cobsidered rude to over fill a tea cup because it comes with a connotation that your guest is not welcome. Now obviously this does not actually inconvenience anyone so it’s not only rude within that culture not universally. But it is also cobsidered rude to push. This is universally rude because it’s universally inconsiderate. You need that ask yourself whether you are putting your needs above the needs of others in your life. If you are you are being rude. If you lack the imagination to make that analysis then it is useful to look at other cultures and learn from the things they do better. The desire to keep cultures segregated is very British and it undermines British culture by preventing it from improving as quickly as cultures in other diverse countries do.

@BogglesGoggles again it is your expectation and interpretation of what is rude or isn't rude, nothing wrong with culture adapting and changing. I see your mindset as 'colonialism' which created a lot of segregation's, because one cultures practiced were considered superior over another's.

@BogglesGoggles
Yes I get it, I was exaggerating- but bringing along anyone to a party WHO IS NOT INVITED is just rude.

Well this turned into a bit of a shit show didn't it 🤣

Op, sounds like you handled it well. No idea why someone decided to derail your thread like that. Probably amused them.

@Waterfallgirl I agree, it’s even ruder than not invitingdiblings. But completely irrelevant.

@BogglesGoggles
@Waterfallgirl but you wouldn’t realistically end up with that many children. At my sons last party (whole class) he had ten kids. About half the class couldn’t make it and a couple of siblings came along. Even in a large class you end up with somewhere between 30-40 because so many children can’t make it and very few people actually bring siblings.

Thats not the point though.Even if some kids didnt turn up ,the siblings where not invited.I had 3 kids close together but they went to their friends parties alone.Not even minding teh birthday child,maybe the erson invited would like a party without their own siblings being there

It's all about boundaries, as are most problems, it seems to me. The OP can pay X amount of money for her child's party. Either it can be a cheaper party for more people or a more expensive party for fewer people. She has opted for the latterand inviting an entire class for food and a soft play experience is pretty generous, IMHO. It would be VERY expensive to double or possibly triple that number by inviting siblingschildren that her child doesn't even know. She could have a simpler party at home with no frills and invite all those children and stay within the same budget. That's another choice. But it might not be as fun for the children who go to it. Different choices have different trade-offs. This has nothing to do with being mean-spirited. It is just about living in reality.

This is a BIG reason why we have never done our DC party's. I genuinely feel bad about it but if you said yes to every request; the bill would be ridiculous! Even for a simple gesture like taking sweets in to hand out to their class. Friends will say; can I take extra for my little brother/sister. I've had to explain to my DS that if he gets asked; to say, sorry no - I've only got enough for one each.
I suppose as parents we just expect that we can bring along the other children to the party. In your case; I would probably message and just say; I'm on my own during the day so would it be alright if I brought along big brother and baby? Obviously I dont expect you to feed them, I can bring/buy something.
YANBU tho. You cant cater for everyone and everyrhing. The "We've reached our allowed limit" response is perfect! X

So for a party in a park to which 20 are invited you must expect to potentially feed 60?

Get to fuck.

She probably does just mean can she come along and she will pay for her. I always had to bring the other child to parties with me as I had no childcare and that child was not going to just sit there watching. Whenever we had parties we just welcomed siblings and allowed for them when we were inviting.

Widowodiw - you would think, but I've had distant relatives try and invite their spawn to a birthday party in a soft play and at the last minute try and invite their toddler as well (as in messaging asking if the child is invited as well - if my outlaws weren't so close I'd have told her to eff off at the first message) without paying.

Its never occurred to me to leave my 5 year old at a soft play party when it is open to the public. Would the party parents even know who your child was?