To send this response re. party invite?

[Wavingwhiledrowning]

Another childrens party thread. I had no idea how tricky 5th birthday party politics would be to navigate!
So DS is having his party at a local soft play centre on Saturday. I sent out invites ages ago, but have had to chase loads of people up to get a response (that in itself really annoyed me!).

We invited the whole class, because it's a small village school and DS is something of a social butterfly! So it's not an especially small affair, and therefore not that cheap.

Last night DS's best friends mum messaged me to ask if her other daughter could come too. I don't want to say no, because I don't want to seem mean. But at the same time, I really think it's a bit CFish - each child is an extra £9 a head. It would also look a bit odd as DS has other friends with brothers and sisters that he knows better (and also know DD), so it feels like I'd be snubbing them.

So my response is going to be something like:
"Unfortunately we're at the limit headcount wise for the party food. But the play centre is still open as normal so your daughter would obviously be welcome to join in that way."
Is that OK and clear enough? (but not too abrupt?).
Thanks!

Thanks for the laugh Boggles you’re hilarious 😂

Actually just AS'd BogglesGoggles to see if this was a first post, and was surprised to see that it is not.

Wtf.

@AnnaComnena you just factor in siblings though. I always plan for one and a half the number of invitees to attend when choosing venues/budgets. It’s not rocket science. As for activity specific parties the parents of invitees tend to regulate this themselves. Siblings are always invited at all he parties I have hosted, parties I attended as a child, parties from DSs school. It’s really never, ever been an issue.

@Moneybegreen i really am being very honest, it’s not a wind up. It’s considered extremely rude by well mannered people/in clutures with a well developed hosting culture. I’m not sure why people on mumsnet don’t know this but I guess it’s just one of those things you learn through exposure. Even so, it’s always good to spread the message. If you want to avoid looking rude invite siblings!

I think it's normal to ask to bring siblings along but always on the understanding that the party host is only paying for invited guests and only invited guests will get a party bag/food. Pretty standard practice here and everyone knows the 'rules'

We had my daughter's birthday at a soft play recently. 2 of the invited guests brought a sibling along but their parents paid for them. I gave them a slice of cake but no party bag, and as it turns out they did get fed as there was enough food. I didn't have a problem with this at all. It may well be that the parent is totally fine with paying for the extra sibling (i would be) but didn't think to mention it.

Just say, yes that's fine you can bring the sibling along but you will have to pay their entrance fee /food from the cafe.

I don't think it's rude, I wouldn't assume she was expecting you to be paying for the sibling. I'd just say something like

"Of course she can, from memory it's about £9 on the door. Be careful if you're bringing food though, they can be really strict!"

It sounds fine - when my daughter gets invited to parties, i do sometimes ask if i can cover any costs (if soft play) and bring my son, no food needed (my son has allergies) Most of the time, the invites state siblings welcome etc etc. Sometimes im on my own (husband travels) so i have to ask.

I hope the poor mother doesn't see you here, winging about her

I really don't think I was whinging! I was asking for a way to send a polite and clear message because I didn't want to end up in an awkward situation with her, her DD or any other parents who are not asking me the same thing (but in many ways I'd be less annoyed about because the siblings are better known to us).

The money side of it is important. No, I'm not massively hard up. But I work, and have three children, and would frankly prefer to spend my money on things I choose, then feel that others have a right to make that choice for me.

Thanks to those of you who have given me helpful replies and confirmed that I'm not a terrible person for saying no!

well in my culture it’s really rude, in my husband’s culture it’s really rude, in the culture at my son’s school it’s downright unspeakable. The only place I have encountered it is amongst the British people from my sons nursery or from the British decent families when I was a child. It definitely seems to be a lower class British trait. It really is shocking rude. Worse than not writing thank you cards afterwards

There may well be things in your culture that Brits find rude. Cultures and their norms can differ hugely. The key is to understand that the person involved isn't being 'rude'. They're just following the norms of the culture in which they've been brought up. It works both ways.

May I ask what culture it is that this is considered rude in?

I am sorry but I think inviting a child along who has not been invited IS rude

Good God there are some ridiculous comments on here. Of course it's rude to ask. I wouldn't DREAM of doing that and neither has anybody ever asked me to either. Neither have I ever expected anybody to invite a sibling to a party. Where do you draw the line? For most people there isn't an infinite amount of money to spend and certainly for me as a single parent on a limited income, I have to budget for things like that and couldn't simply double or triple numbers just because somebody on Mumsnet considers that the norm! OP, responding as you plan to is perfectly polite and reasonable and I hope you have a lovely party! Oh and as an aside, I have never been able to afford a whole class party either and I am afraid that is just how it is. There are plenty of parties my young DS is not invited to and that is absolutely fine because I respect the fact that other parents may not be able to afford it either!

I love these threads as it always exposes those CF who do bring uninvited siblings to parties.

It is very rude to turn up uninvited to parties. I got wise very quickly that I needed to actually put "unfortunately we can't accommodate siblings" otherwise you'd end up either babysitting other people's 3 screaming year olds, or trying to prevent older siblings from winning all the games and taking over.

@Jamiemai see I find them generally quite pleasant although you can see are marked difference between the classes which I less noticeable in some places I have visited. But most British people are really weird about hosting. They don’t offer you food when you go to their house, they get really precious over invitations, rsvps etc, they ask for contributions to weddings and the like. But on the other hand people tend to say good morning etc on the street, people are mindful of holding doors open, people are quite good about giving way when driving and so on. But hosting manners seem to be a preserve of the upper class in Britain. I just don’t get it.

@spudlet England as a whole needs to learn to be more compassionate for its own sake. It is why it has so many problems right now: violence everywhere. I hope it can learn to change

Jaimemai, not even trying to conceal your bigotry👏

Bloody hell

I’m not British and I don’t live in Britain and it’s bloody rude to bring extra children.

They’re not invited. Get over it.

And I never understand the childcare excuse either.

Drop and run or, and this is the important bit, your child doesn’t actually have to attend! 🙄 your child isn’t so important that their presence will make an iota of a difference to the party!

@OP use one of the examples here. Yours is too wishy-washy and a CF will take full advantage of ambiguity.

Jaimemai your post is amazing. Major generalisations S and assumptions there! Also irrelevant - OP is not asking for a critique of English manners just some advice on how to politely respond to something.
You are assuming she is English - she could easily be Scottish, Irish or Welsh - there are a mixture of people on here! Also it's astonishing to say that the entire population of a country is anything - people are different you know! Now, I am Scottish, and have lived both in England and Scotland - where I am currently. If I invite children to a party I am inviting that child because they are a friend of my child, I am not inviting the whole family. I would never assume that anyone other than my child was invited unless I was good friends with the parents and they invited us all. I don't think this is a rude and unfriendly way to live, it seems absolutely fine to me and everyone I know. If in your culture you wish to invite whole families that's fine; it's not a question of right and wrong, friendly or unfriendly, just different. OP, I hope you get it al sorted without any bother and your child enjoys their party.

@Happyspud I am English, you can't be a bigot when you are talking about your own country. Americans complain about America to me all the time. I am appalled at the state of England right now

@saraclara but that doesn’t mean those things aren’t rude. Just because a culture doesn’t consider it to be rude doesn’t mean it isn’t. Spitting on the street is a good example or talking loudly. It doesn’t matter how normalised something is, manners are about being considerate of other people’s needs and feelings. That’s why it’s good to look to other cultures. Of something is unspeakably rude in another culture there is a good chance it is just universally inconsiderate and rude. Obviously you have exceptions where these things don’t apply (for example in muculture you serve tea by resting the cup on the tips of your fingers to avoid touching the lip, in Britain this is redundant because British cups hand handles and/or saucers).

Its all gone a bit left field