To send this response re. party invite?

[Wavingwhiledrowning]

Another childrens party thread. I had no idea how tricky 5th birthday party politics would be to navigate!
So DS is having his party at a local soft play centre on Saturday. I sent out invites ages ago, but have had to chase loads of people up to get a response (that in itself really annoyed me!).

We invited the whole class, because it's a small village school and DS is something of a social butterfly! So it's not an especially small affair, and therefore not that cheap.

Last night DS's best friends mum messaged me to ask if her other daughter could come too. I don't want to say no, because I don't want to seem mean. But at the same time, I really think it's a bit CFish - each child is an extra £9 a head. It would also look a bit odd as DS has other friends with brothers and sisters that he knows better (and also know DD), so it feels like I'd be snubbing them.

So my response is going to be something like:
"Unfortunately we're at the limit headcount wise for the party food. But the play centre is still open as normal so your daughter would obviously be welcome to join in that way."
Is that OK and clear enough? (but not too abrupt?).
Thanks!

All this rude not to invite siblings!

So you have a 5yr old celebrating with his classmates and friends. In comes babies toddlers and children up to teenagers, because their siblings of party invitees and should be there.
Instead of 30 invitees you now have what, a sibling each invitee numbers now 60
Utter nonsense - dynamic of party changes completely, games are not suitable, venue not suitable for every age group.

Give your head a wobble people.

Mummyoflittledragon
Then this thread would be about how an entitled mother asked if she could leave her child while the OP has 30+ kids to look after.

She literally cant win.

Inviting children to a party is great but some people couldnt think of anything worse than going to a kids party and getting judged by the parents for absolutely everything.

She messaged first to ask. That is polite.
Maybe she doesnt know that you have to pay by head. Maybe she thought you book a room or something like that.

Then they could NOT GO!!!

Jesus! Is there some sort of prison sentence in Britain if you turn down an invitation?

Fakenametoday

She messaged first to ask. That is polite.
Maybe she doesnt know that you have to pay by head. Maybe she thought you book a room or something like that.

Yes she asked, OP drafted a polite response, others helped her clarify it. OP sent it, the other mum was happy too. Everyone’s happy. So why are you so angry?

Gosh, forriners must be all really rich if they gladly accept multitudes of uninvited party guests at £9/head

I only know one other culture really well, and I can firmly state that there uninvited extra guests at a paid event are not warmly welcomed! I think gritted teeth and the rictus polite grin are global expressions...

I am half English so I can say this. English people are known for being unkind, uncompassionate and unempathetic. Every time I visit England I am really shocked at how cold the people are. Do English people on here know that English people are hated abroad? Every country that I go to , they say we cannot stand the English people's arrogant nasty and cold attitude. There is no need to be like this. There is a nicer way to live. Open your hearts people

I'm fully English. Completely, totally and 100%. I've never been made to feel that people abroad don't like the English. I've found people very welcoming.

And ..... I don't really give a flying fuck that you're half English. It doesn't give you the right to be so rude

I am English, you can't be a bigot when you are talking about your own country.

Oh, you very definitely CAN You've mastered that!

I see it's all sorted now, but did you actually know for definite that she was expecting you to pay for her DD?

I've text before and asked if I can bring my younger DC to soft play parties. Otherwise I'd be stuck for childcare. I've never expected the host to pay. I always take a drink and buy their snacks. I really don't get why some people see it as cf'ery.

Some posters here are just very mean spirited and also oblivious to the fact that the etiquette within their social circle is not universal.

OP's post was totally reasonable. Not everyone can afford to pay for siblings and she wrote a polite reply. The other woman might well be totally reasonable too - since it's a 5 year olds birthday party the etiquette is new to people. She might have thought the soft play was exclusively hired (I've been to parties like this) so the extra kid was no trouble, she might not know OP's budget.

For what it's worth where I live siblings usually come by default at church hall parties and the invite is usually extended at pay per head type things because it's a wealthy area and people can afford it (it's also a small class of 17 so numbers remain manageable and the kids know and like each other's siblings). However if someone couldn't afford it and in some cases when the numbers are limited no one minds that siblings can't come.

Why not try to be a bit more kind to each other.

did you actually know for definite that she was expecting you to pay for her DD?

The woman asked ‘can my other dc come?’ That a bit ambiguous. It’s not necessary for OP to know if she was expecting OP to pay for her dad.

OP needed to communicate the situation clearly to the other mum, which she did.

Any angst about the other mum’s intentions about paying would have been unhelpful.

Makes me think of the poor woman on the softzilla threads. I suspect the other party on those threads was relying on her cultural interpretation of how things must be when it comes to soft play invitations.

Softzilla’s sense of entitlement was another level. The way she targeted that OP and expected her to pay was just incredible.

I don't know all that much about eastern Europe but as a Glaswegian of Irish origin I do know a bit about hosting cultures and IME yeah, maybe people will greet your additional 4 guests at 9 quid a head with a generous smile and an insistence that the more the merrier, but silently (and then noisily, behind your back) they'll be blackening your name as a CF until that 5yo of yours graduates from university.

I can't believe how cheeky parents can be!

I think your response is perfect. I'm taking note for the future and I think I'll just add a note at the bottom of any party invite explaining if siblings wish to attend then it's not possible or as you've said they can attend at their own cost.

@toomuchtooold

Just wanted to thank everyone for not bringing up us rude Americans. When we had parties for my two it seemed people didn't show up so one or two extra wasn't a problem but yeah the whole every sibling thing would have been.

toomuchtooold - quite!

I think the, er, anti-English poster has actually spectacularly failed to interpret her other homeland's social cues. "Lovely - another fourteen guests!" has the same translation in any language, ie "Oh, shit."

Had a party for one of my DCs in a hall, and so many people brought along siblings (without letting us know beforehand) that we completely ran out of food and there wasn't enough for DCs' classmates and friends. Also not enough cake. And then there were enough party bags for a few of the additional guests as we'd done extras, but not enough for all the siblings, it was anarchy at the end. Some parents were really pissed off that the siblings weren't getting bags. We should just have handed out to the classmates but in the chaos it all went wrong.

Although it did make a nice change from coming home with endless plates of uneaten sandwiches, carrot sticks and cucumber I suppose.

Anyway, had we known, we would have done more hot dogs and a bigger cake. But we didn't know so it was all a bit annoying.

I booked soft play exclusively to stop people doing this. Only the child invited could attend. It's not fair on the birthday child to have their party made bigger by siblings they didn't invite and are likely not the same age group.

Hope she is staying to look after sibling

@BogglesGoggles my family is middle class, and most of my friends growing up were upper class and very very well off (affluent area in the south). Not that being British or our class has anything to do with it... But we never invited siblings, nor were my sister and I invited along with invitations to our friend's parties. Why should we have children we don't really know attend our birthday party or gathering? I wouldn't want to have attended my sister's friend's parties!
Can't say we ever cared that our siblings were invited when we weren't. Imo it's rude to expect everyone else to cater to your family when it isn't even your birthday. We've lived in other countries growing up, was still considered a bit rude to show up with extra guests or make the parent feel like they have to accommodate children the birthday child doesn't know.
I love my fellow Brits, I meet lovely, compassionate people on a daily basis, I've only had 2 occasions where I've been bowled over by the horrid nature of some people, in fact they were both middle aged men but I don't tar all middle aged British men with the same brush because we are not a hive mind entity.

Had soft play party for DS earlier this year. Was asked if two younger siblings of party guests were ok to come. Fine I’ll pay for their admission but no party food (we’d already given the venue number of invited same age guests.) Put their names on the list at the door.
During party there were a few more siblings some older and some younger.
Come to settle up at the end and we had to pay for a further 9 siblings who’d just waltzed in.
CFS the lot of them. Also one bloke (assuming dad but I didn’t know him) who left one child there without checking it was ok beforehand.

OP if you’re still reading and not scared off I’d give the venue a list of the guests and ask them to stick to it so you don’t pay for any unwanted extras.

Your message is clear and it'll be obvious you expect her to pay, so i'd just leave at that!

Who says you can't be Irish and British? Lots of other dual nationalities, mixed ethnicities also poss

I have 4 kids. If people felt they had to invite siblings to a party, I’m pretty sure none of my children would be invited to their friends parties!! I also think it’s great for siblings to socialise separately, as they grow up they won’t always be together.