To send this response re. party invite?

[Wavingwhiledrowning]

Another childrens party thread. I had no idea how tricky 5th birthday party politics would be to navigate!
So DS is having his party at a local soft play centre on Saturday. I sent out invites ages ago, but have had to chase loads of people up to get a response (that in itself really annoyed me!).

We invited the whole class, because it's a small village school and DS is something of a social butterfly! So it's not an especially small affair, and therefore not that cheap.

Last night DS's best friends mum messaged me to ask if her other daughter could come too. I don't want to say no, because I don't want to seem mean. But at the same time, I really think it's a bit CFish - each child is an extra £9 a head. It would also look a bit odd as DS has other friends with brothers and sisters that he knows better (and also know DD), so it feels like I'd be snubbing them.

So my response is going to be something like:
"Unfortunately we're at the limit headcount wise for the party food. But the play centre is still open as normal so your daughter would obviously be welcome to join in that way."
Is that OK and clear enough? (but not too abrupt?).
Thanks!

i think you need to be clearer.

if she pays for the sibling and leaves, is that ok or not?
do you have room in the party room/food to include them, or not?

or is it just a case of "i'm at full capacity - but the soft play is open to the public so you can bring your dd at the same time at the party if you like"

Honestly, lots of parents ask me if they can bring siblings. I always say yes (or invite them in the first place if I know about them). I even put 'siblings welcome' on an invitation one year.

Parents invite my children's siblings too.

It's not rude to ask. It gives you the choice.

This seems like one of those 'only on mumsnet' things.

I hope the poor mother doesn't see you here, winging about her.

My DCs are grown up now but never, when they were at the party age, was anyone rude enough to ask if siblings could come. It seems to happen a lot.

No manners, some people.

Honestly, lots of parents ask me if they can bring siblings. I always say yes (or invite them in the first place if I know about them). I even put 'siblings welcome' on an invitation one year.

Which is lovely of you can afford to do that. But many people are on a tighter budget.

Would her dd be able to get the food if she paid the £9? It’s just you say you're up to numbers. Do be aware that she may not be allowed in the party area if her mum pays for entry only so it’s best to check with the soft play.

If there is availability to add her onto the party. Perhaps say she’s welcome to come to the party but you’re up to budget so it will be £9 to pay by x date. And then tag on Drums message.

When I did a soft play for dd, parents asked if it was ok and paid themselves / stayed.

I once did a party where eight uninvited siblings of various ages came along, some of whom were just left by vanishing parents. Luckily it wasn't an activity where I had to pay per head and I'd done the food myself, but they all lined up for party bags at the end and I'd only done about three spare ones, so that was awkward.

Honestly, lots of parents ask me if they can bring siblings. I always say yes (or invite them in the first place if I know about them). I even put 'siblings welcome' on an invitation one year.

OP is already paying £9 per child and she’s invited the whole class. Do you not get that not everyone can afford to include siblings too?

My DD had a party where almost all of her friends were siblings of her old sister (funny that 🤣) and I paid for the friend's place and food and the food for the sibling (sharing platters it felt weird asking for separate food) but they pay for the place. Everyone was happy and most were happy to pay for the food (but I insisted). It's normal to need for siblings to also attend. It's polite to ask if it's OK. It's usual for the sibling to be paid for by their parent not the host.

Dear CF. As we invited the whole class we decided to say no siblings. Hope you understand. Reasonable me.

What a cf!!!

The standard thing to do is bring another child but pay for them yourself, not the host ffs! Also make sure they don't expect to be at the party food bit

I'd say something like
I've told other parents in your position to bring siblings if they wish and pay at the door as I can't fit more children at the party table - can you just explain thst to your child

Bottom line is that you don't need the responsibility of looking after siblings if the parents drop and run, even if they pay for the extra child. I'd say she must be planning this as otherwise she wouldn't need to ask if her other child can attend a public place. So be very firm in your response that you are not in a position to look after or cater for extra kids.

Yes antigon I get that. Is the op is really so hard up, she can just say no. All the hand wringing and wailing about cheeky fuckery is unnecessary. And makes op and others sound like very odd people.

Some people are real CFers!
I also think it is not fair on the sibling who is invited. It is their chance to be invited to something without their sibling trailing along (I know this from a said sibling/friend of DD's who said it really annoys her when her younger sister is always included)
Also, why would it be a childcare issue if they are at a soft play area with an organised party - I don't get it

It is not cheeky of her. Obviously she has childcare issues, and she asked. Who is she meant to leave the child with if she is a single mum/ husband is working

'Is the op is really so hard up, she can just say no'

Nothing to do with 'being hard up'

You can certainly identify the party extra clung ons here

That would be uninvited 'cling ons'

Not 'clung'

Forgive me for asking what might be an obvious question - my children are all growed-up, so well before soft play places - but do the partygoers get to wear a different coloured wristband/badge to distinguish them from the general public when it comes to the party food?

Its extremely rude not to invite siblings. I don’t understand why British people think this ok? In most ways the British are quite polite but they are remarkably stingy.

It depends on what she said really? Did she ask if her dd could join the party/ have food or if she could bring her along to the soft play

Tbh I have 3 dc and DH works shifts so I often don’t have anyone to look after the others so would ask if siblings could come along to the soft play(and pay for their entry of course).

yep the clung ons are all out in force now :)

Boggles - don't talk such rubbish - its a price per head event and the OP is being good enough to invite all of her sons friends from school. I know many people of many different nationalities and they all use the same practice, so your advice seems odd and more of an opportunity to bash the British.

Are you ok with parent leaving the sibling and them joining party and being in all your pics etc?

I had an older sibling come along once who tried to dominate the party. Wish I’d said no or been more direct about them not being ‘at’ the party but just in the same location.

Your message implies that sibling is able to join in the party so long as parent pays - you might not want them in the party room and sitting down next to your DC. It would be awkward if the centre says the party room is full because siblings are in there.

Is she expecting you to feed and pay for the sibling? If not, I don't think it's cheeky to ask if it's ok for sibling to come.

It can be really hard to accommodate kids parties when there's nobody to look after siblings, and it'd be a shame for your DS best friend to have to miss party if there's no childcare for sibling...Just a thought!

Its extremely rude not to invite siblings.

What if the invited guest has two or more siblings? They might end up outnumbering the party child's actual friends.

If the party is at home, there probably isn't room for extras.

If it's an activity, it may not be age-appropriate for siblings.

The party child may not even know the siblings.

@NoEntryIntoTheMind well in my culture it’s really rude, in my husband’s culture it’s really rude, in the culture at my son’s school it’s downright unspeakable. The only place I have encountered it is amongst the British people from my sons nursery or from the British decent families when I was a child. It definitely seems to be a lower class British trait. It really is shocking rude. Worse than not writing thank you cards afterwards.