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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 10/06/2019 13:20

No i don’t think he should have been there. I’m usually for men being involved in most things but not this.

Dropping his partners off or helping his partner inside(I needed help for a while after my third due to post c section complications) but not sitting and staying.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 10/06/2019 13:21

I went along to a BF support drop in session with one of mine and there was a dad there. I wasn’t impressed.
I needed practical, hands on, boobs out help.
The BF expert lady asked the dad to leave (politely), thankfully.

I don’t get it: I’d have found having my own DH there a pain in the bum.

SoHotADragonRetired · 10/06/2019 13:21

My DH is my carer. I need his support physically and emotionally. He had to help me breastfeed as well as to physically attend support groups. I literally couldn't have done it without him. Should I be excluded, then?

He could have helped you to the room, and then waited outside. Or if you physically needed his assistance to latch your baby, the midwife or lactation consultant would probably have been willing to arrange a home visit or a screened-off corner for the pair of you to have a consultation and support. But your need for his presence does not trump the need for a roomful of women for privacy and safety.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 13:22

This reply has been deleted

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seasideramble · 10/06/2019 13:22

I went to a breastfeeding support group with DD2 as I was having big issues feeding her. I'd been really down about it and was very teary. Made DH stay in the car thinking men wouldn't be allowed. When I got in there were actually several male partners there. It was fine, it didn't bother me. The men were purely interested in what their own partners were doing. I wish I'd taken dh in now as could really have done with the support.

this was a group though for people who were having problems to see a specialist. People who probably really needed the support of their partners at that time. Rather than more of a social group

onthisoccasion · 10/06/2019 13:22

Well, putting my head above the parapet, I took DH to one breastfeeding clinic. I had already been to one just with an antenatal friend also having problems - where the lactation consultant was awful to me. She actually poked me (in my very sore post-section stomach) and told me I was too fat and my breasts were too big to feed in a particular position and I was doing it all wrong. She also rolled her eyes at me and told me off for putting a nappy on incompetently. I’m not exaggerating, my friend and the other woman sat near me looked horrified and afterwards friend said they were amazed I hadn’t cried right there. I had only just got back from hospital where DC had been in NICU and they’d been reluctant to let him leave due to struggles with BF. I barely had my head above water. I left that clinic a wreck and feeling like a total, abject failure. Tried desperately to recreate the rugby ball hold at home but failed. DC started losing weight and HV insisted I went back to the clinic or give up BF as DC was at risk of being hospitalised.

I couldn’t drive due to CS and was too upset to risk seeing the consultant again. DH took me to one in the next town. I needed him with me so I didn’t walk straight back out again when I saw the same bloody woman was at that clinic too. I also wanted him to stay and see how they showed me to do the hold so he could help me recreate it at home. It was a big room. There were only a couple of other women there, another with her male partner. We sat metres away from everyone else and DH with his back turned to the room so people wouldn’t feel he could see them. I asked the HV running the session if he was OK to attend and they said partners were encouraged to come. If we hadn’t gone to that session my DC’s severe tongue tie wouldn’t have been diagnosed and we may not have been able to carry on BF. Not everyone can afford a private lactation consultant. So while I understand your reservations, I have no regrets about what we did. I still feel angry about how I was treated at that clinic, several years on. I probably should’ve complained but frankly I could barely manage to keep going each day, let alone summon the strength to make a complaint.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/06/2019 13:23
  • maybe because she drives? You are not allowed to drive for the first weeks after a c-section, and why would you make your mum wait in the car instead of coming with you?*

Because it's nothing to do with her?
Get a magazine, book, play a game on a phone. But the only people who are attending that group should be the women there for support.

FriarTuck · 10/06/2019 13:23

I could understand men being there for the first session or two as support for their partner and in case their partner needs help or wouldn't be comfortable asking questions / breastfeeding with strangers. But when the baby is 5 months old and presumably the mother is comfortable in the group I think it's a different story. Not sure how it would work though when you need to make an exception for people like TheDeflector who actually need their partner there rather than just wanting them.

AlaskanOilBaron · 10/06/2019 13:23

I probably wouldn't care, but I'd be horrified if it were my husband.

HavelockVetinari · 10/06/2019 13:24

What I don't think is helpful is leaders who say that female partners/parents/friends of the breastfeeding mother are allowed in but men aren't. The only fair rule is that supporters stay outside, regardless of gender.

Hmm

Do you really not get that it's the presence of a male that's an issue privacy-wise, not non-breastfeeding females? I doubt anyone gives a crap if a female supporter comes along, but plenty of people aren't happy being shown how to latch or showing their chapped nipples in front of John from up the road.

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 13:24

They don't do home visits in my very rural area.

So my baby actually being fed is trumped by people who don't want a disabled person's carer there. So much so, that people like the above poster actually say "yes", I should be excluded.

Good to know. Also illegal.

MrsMiggins37 · 10/06/2019 13:25

So on one hand we want to normalise bf and for things like fathers to stay on post natal wards ....

I certainly don’t bloody want men on post natal wards either. That’s another piece of bloody nonsense.

OP, YANBU. I agree with speaking with the organisers

joystir59 · 10/06/2019 13:25

I don't see that there would be any problem for both parents to attend if it's a lesbian couple would there? Except, of course, if the couple comprises one or more of the new age lesbians- the ones that are men complete with penises.

AngelsSins · 10/06/2019 13:25

So on one hand we want to normalise bf

We also want to normalise prostate exams, so should we allow random women in the room when men are being examined so that they can ask questions in order to support their male relatives?

FizzyGreenWater · 10/06/2019 13:25

It's blindingly obvious that it's not ok. It's personal, it's a vulnerable time, basically really the only other people who should be involved are a. the people there to advise and b. other people who are also new bf mothers and are therefore 'equal' in the vulnerability stakes.

It would be the same if my DH went to a support group for men immediately post-vasectomy, where a HCP would be inspecting stitches, looking at problems etc. Would it be ok if I went to support him and therefore expect men who didn't know me to be ok with getting their balls out in front of me, hey it's all ok as I've seen it all before and it's nothing sexual or inappropriate and my own DH is going through the same thing?

No, absolutely not!

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 13:25

Of course it is fine for men to help women get to the group and physically help her into the room and to sit down. That is fine. But they should then leave. If I had went to a breastfeeding support group for practical help and there were men staying there, I would have just got up and left.

WomenUnited · 10/06/2019 13:26

onthisoccasion
So you had a crap time and needed the support and had no choice but to go. Your DH recognised he was intruding and turned his back, did everything he could to not intrude for others.

That's a bit different to what the OP has described.

DinosaursWouldEatYou · 10/06/2019 13:26

I'm in 2 minds really. One part believe if the father can't be there because they aren't breastfeeding, then I don't think any relative or same sex partner should be there... based on the argument that they aren't breastfeeding either.

But also I can 100% see how uncomfortable other women would feel and how exposed regardless if the man had zero interest in any one in the room but there partner.

Erm am I right postnatal ward is where mom and child go straight after birth? Of course I believe men should be welcome there.

DinosaursWouldEatYou · 10/06/2019 13:27

I like what a pp said at the beginning about there being separate days/sessions where partners and families are invited and other sessions where it's just mommy and babe.

BendingSpoons · 10/06/2019 13:28

I have been to quite a few breastfeeding groups, mostly through work and occasionally with DC. It is common to see male partners and sometimes mothers. I assume that if you have a newborn who is struggling to feed you may appreciate someone else's support. It's hard to balance everyone's needs.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 10/06/2019 13:29

And as for the ‘DH or DM drove me there , so they should be allowed in’ argument... would you argue the same for any other medical appointment?

If there’s not a cafe or waiting room, then yes, they can wait in the car.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 10/06/2019 13:29

Agree.

BendingSpoons · 10/06/2019 13:30

The problem with having some sessions designated for partners to come is that you usually need support promptly and can't wait several weeks.

FriarTuck · 10/06/2019 13:30

I don't see that there would be any problem for both parents to attend if it's a lesbian couple would there?
I can imagine that some women might not be happy with it (unfortunately) because they might assume that the partner would be ogling everyone else's breasts in the same way that all the men might be. I think it either has to be all OHs welcome or none (and I'm a lesbian (without a penis))

Skyechasemarshalontheway · 10/06/2019 13:30

Maybe the organisation said it was ok.

There could be many reasons it may be a one off and mum really needed his support to be able to attend.

I've seen a man at a breastfeeding group before the mum was disabled and needed his help they came in their babies early weeks noone said anything and I personally never felt uncomfortable with him there. He tended to go sit the other side of the room where the lunch food was laid out so not right in the middle of the group chatting away.

I think if people feel uncomfortable and it's a common thing they could speak to the organisation who runs your groups as I know throughout the UK their are many different ones and say if men are coming more often can we have set weeks or days etc so mum's who may not be comfortable are fully aware and so we don't not just ban men whos wife's/partners need them for emotional or physical help.

There also seems to be alot of organisations changing there rules and adding in ages lately so mum's of toddlers can't attend if there elder child is over 1 which I think is going to impact our rates badly to but surely there must be away we can help everyone who needs help without full on bans.