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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 11/06/2019 23:27

Honestly at any baby group the man is there for the same reasons as you

I think not! Bit of an issue if he has problems with cracked nipples or thrush.

How hard is it, Breastfeeding groups are for Breastfeeding Mums. Nobody else!

Loopytiles · 12/06/2019 07:48

Some mothers would like their partners there, sure, but their wishes shouldn’t IMO outweigh others’ preference for a single sex service.

OneStepSideways · 12/06/2019 08:06

I don't see a problem with it really, maybe his wife was too anxious to go alone or suffering with PND, and needed him there for support.

I think it's quite brave of him really, not many men would be happy to attend a class full of ladies breastfeeding and talking about blocked ducts/mastitis/oversupply etc. It's good he's comfortable with breastfeeding. In real life if you breastfeed you will have times you have to feed in front of men so I'm not sure a man in a class is a big deal?

I breastfed publicly everywhere, much to DH's embarrassment, he felt it was inappropriate not to cover myself. Maybe if he'd seen more women breastfeeding openly he'd be less awkward over it. I used to walk around the city centre with baby in a sling, latched on and boob out over the top of my dress. I've walked into coffee shops and got onto buses like that. I strongly believe breastfeeding should not be something shameful and hidden away, that men should get used to seeing it, and realise its natural and normal. I found when I breastfed in coffee shops I often attracted other mums who sat near me and began feeding too!

I only used a cover when I had oversupply and went through a spraying phase (accidentally squirted milk over a man on the train) so the cover was for hygiene reasons not privacy!

Vulpine · 12/06/2019 08:10

In a cafe the focus is not solely on ones breasts as they are in a bf group. It's v different.

speakout · 12/06/2019 08:11

Oh these brave menz hwo are willing to attend a breastfeeding support group.

Because it is up to us women to help men get over their awkwardness.

Poor lambs.

ChewbaccaHutchinsCool · 12/06/2019 08:26

Honestly at any baby group the man is there for the same reasons as you

Not true at a breastfeeding group as men aren't breastfeeding.

MonkeyTrap · 12/06/2019 09:53

Oh these brave menz hwo are willing to attend a breastfeeding support group.

Oh exactly. I’m glad these groups exist to make them feel more comfortable Hmm

BettyUnderswoob · 12/06/2019 10:00

Honestly at any baby group the man is there for the same reasons as you

No. No he isn’t. Not at a baby group, not at a breastfeeding group.

pigsDOfly · 12/06/2019 12:03

OneStepSideways Breastfeeding groups do not exist so that men can learn to accept breastfeeding as normal, they exist to support women who are breastfeeding and finding they need support, usually with technique.

If women are put off going to these groups because men's desire to attend them over rule the women's needs to have a women only space, then there is the potential for women who are struggling with bf to give up - fewer women breastfeeding, more families in which breast feeding is not the norm and fewer children growing up with the idea that breastfeeding is normal in our society.

I breastfed my babies everywhere too, and I was unusual then back in the 80s, but only once I'd established breastfeeding.

In the early days I certainly wouldn't have wanted to sit in front of a lot of strange men at a breastfeeding support group trying to get to grips with the trickier aspect of the whole thing.

I remember, when I had my first baby, sitting in the nursery of the maternity ward struggling to breastfeed my new baby while the nurses sat there feeding all the other babies their bottles and totally ignoring me.

Back then there was no support, apart from National Childbirth Trust groups, for breastfeeding mothers as we were considered an oddity, and tbh, a bit of a nuisance.

However, I stuck it out and went on to breastfeed all three of my children. But oh how I could have used some help and support in those early day, but I certainly wouldn't have gone to a group where men were present.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 12/06/2019 13:49

I strongly believe breastfeeding should not be something shameful and hidden away, that men should get used to seeing it, and realise its natural and normal

They have literally everywhere else in public to do this. Don't know how you equate a woman wanting to maintain her boundaries with feeling shameful - I see it as a positive not something to be trampled all over for fear of excluding men from the very, very few places they have no need to be.

Dandelion1993 · 12/06/2019 17:46

@BettyUnderSwoob

Yes he is. He's there to get advice and support on how to support his wife/partner.

I've never met a man at a baby group or any other parenting group that is there for any reason other than his own partner and child.

A man at a breastfeeding group probably just wants to show his wife he supports her and to learn how he can help her if needed.

How can we expect men (well people in general) accept breastfeeding in public when we shut out half or the parenting team.

MRex · 12/06/2019 17:56

Maybe you just marry a decent man instead of a knobhead @Dandelion1993, then you'd find they can manage to respect breastfeeding before you have to do anything to persuade them.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 12/06/2019 17:59

A man at a breastfeeding group probably just wants to show his wife he supports her and to learn how he can help her if needed.

So his wants trumps the needs of mothers who are wanting guidance on how to breastfeed? He can support his partner in lots of other ways than muscling his way into a group that isn't for him. For starters he can listen and learn from his partner the information she gained grom a breastfeeding group without having to be there, read up on it online, in books, ask in forums.

Dandelion1993 · 12/06/2019 18:00

My DH is a good man. He came with me to a group becuase he wanted to know more about bf.

After that, we had more dad's come who did ask about feeding in public and more

maimainomai · 12/06/2019 18:02

After that, we had more dad's come who did ask about feeding in public and more

That doesn’t sound like a breastfeeding support group anymore...

VampirateQueen · 12/06/2019 18:05

Just because the baby was 5 months old doesn't mean that the mother isn't overwhelmed. She may have PND or suffer from anxiety and need her husband there for support. I wouldn't have been able to go to a group like that on my own when my DD was 5 months old.

EdtheBear · 12/06/2019 18:10

If hes that good a man he'd have found the info he wanted online or asked you what support you needed. Not trampled all over other women's rights to privacy..

Somebody who's supporting a recovering alcoholic doesn't attend AA to help them.

HiJuice · 12/06/2019 18:16

Don't really see why women need 'support' to attend a breastfeeding support group. The point of the group is to provide this - you don't also need to bring your own. More likely it's because they are feeling a bit shy and don't want to go alone in the same way some women won't attend an exercise class without a friend. But the experience will be better for everyone if no one brings a friend as then people will interact rather than just chatting to their friend.

If you can manage to go to a job interview or the dentist or a first date on your own (even if someone drops you off and picks you up) why do you need your partner or mother with you at this?

Loopytiles · 12/06/2019 18:30

Great Dandilion, more men there!

Not.

DecomposingComposers · 12/06/2019 18:41

If you can manage to go to a job interview or the dentist or a first date on your own (even if someone drops you off and picks you up) why do you need your partner or mother with you at this

Well some people can't manage to do those things alone, for a variety of reasons. Maybe a physical disability or mental health reasons?

ALongHardWinter · 12/06/2019 18:42

Agree with the OP.

ALongHardWinter · 12/06/2019 18:46

Yet another example of men muscling in on what used to be regarded as 'women only' areas. Depressing.

CCquavers · 12/06/2019 18:50

Having been to clinics where men were allowed in I have to say I don’t think they should be allowed in and maybe couples are put into private booths away from breastfeeding mums.

I’ve had men nudge me to move up on bench ( ouch!) knock into my crossed leg while bouncing around the room ( ouch again!) and lastly stare at my breasts. (Ugh!)

I was at the clinic because feeding bloody hurt. I wanted to pull my breast out for inspection by experienced helpers and not want men seeing them. No matter how many babies they see latched on to feed, to men (rightly or wrongly) breasts are sexual objects and at the time of my distress I wanted to choose who saw my exposed top half.

Mog6840 · 12/06/2019 19:11

Completely agree. When I had my son 5 years ago I attended a breastfeeding support group and there was a woman there with her husband and their baby was several
Months old. They would attend like it was a social thing every week. Which it is to a certain extent but it's main purpose was to help mothers establish breastfeeding and most people there would come primarily to ask for guidance, advice with latch etc. In those early days the latch is all a bit clumsy and your boob is out and you are still quite self conscious. I used to really hate him being there.
It's completely inappropriate and unnecessary to bring your male partner. Til this day I still feel annoyed at the organisers for not 'having a word'. Maybe I should have voiced my discomfort but at the time I wasn't feeling confident and questioned whether I was being prudish and I should just get over it. In hindsight and reading this thread I can see that I wasn't being unreasonable.

MRex · 12/06/2019 19:33

All those men supposedly asking questions should have gone to an ante-natal breastfeeding class and asked them there. Our hospital has them on every week. I'm fact, I'm sure the men can still go there with their questions even after the baby is born, they don't entry check anybody. Then that leaves the breastfeeding support sessions free for just the breastfeeding mothers and support workers should ask everyone else to wait outside. If someone really needs a male physical support carer then they can be accommodated in a more private area or seated at the side so he's physically out of the way of everyone else, but that's a rare exception that can be treated as an exception not as a licence to let all DHs roam about.

I have sympathy for women who feel too anxious to go anywhere without their DH, but that level of anxiety needs to be actually treated by trained medical professionals rather than accommodations being made in other situations as though it's normal. It is not normal, if you feel like that then see a GP because you need help.