To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

[Sexnotgender]

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

Might be wise to have a word about the situation before it arises again. Will avert any future problems if organisers can make it known to the women that partners are not welcome to general sessions ( maybe offer private consultations to individual women who want partners to participate ). Also opportunity for organisers to ask participants for their views if there isn’t a policy on it.

YANBU, men should stay away. And they shouldn't be on post natal wards overnight either, to the pp who mentioned that.

Why should women feel they have to self exclude or be uncomfortable just so men can feel 'included?'

So on one hand we want to normalise bf and for things like fathers to stay on post natal wards

We definitely don't want men staying on postnatal wards thanks. And breastfeeding can be normalised without men pushing their way into women's safe spaces

not that we had such things when I was a new mum. What on earth do you do there?

Mostly we eat cake and chat!

There are support workers and lactation consultants to offer advice and support though. It’s a very welcoming relaxed place for mums to get advice and just chat to other women having the same experience they are.

It's a breastfeeding support group for people who are breastfeeding. They are women.

Men don't need support with breastfeeding

Obviously I’m in the minority where I think it’s a great thing for a father to be fully involved in all aspects of his child’s life including feeding

Yes but this is getting the man involved in other people's babies being fed
It's profoundly selfish and disrespectful to other women to bring your man to a group like that because you want him there.

Nope that's bullshit. I'm all for men being including on all aspects of parenting.
This isn't something they can ever do and it's something that can require a woman in a very stressed out mindset to have to expose herself.

If a man can't use his brain capacity to give support and empathy without having to be told by professionals then he's not ready to be a father.

Also not a fan of men on postnatal wards but that’s another can of worms altogether.

If your DH/DP asked if he could come along for support or maybe because he had questions of his own would you refuse him simply because of his gender? Or would you refuse female friends or your mother to come along too?

Yes I would. Me getting my breasts out to get practical help with latching is not a spectator sport. There are breastfeeding classes before the baby is born that a partner can go to. That is where he can ask questions. A partner can support a woman to get to the class, but should then leave until it is over.

I don't even think men should be on post natal wards personally. They can stay home and get the house ready!

Fwiw, I was the poster who mentioned male partners on postnatal wards, and I'm lukewarm at best about that; I'm just pointing out that, whether or not you agree with it, there is an argument for the practical role men can play on the ward, and none for them being an essential element at a BF group.

If your DH/DP asked if he could come along for support or maybe because he had questions of his own would you refuse him simply because of his gender? Or would you refuse female friends or your mother to come along too?

Yes absolutely. I'd tell him to note them down for the next HV appointment that he is welcome to attend.

Why the hell does my mother need to be involved?! Can't adults adult anymore?

Yes I would. Me getting my breasts out to get practical help with latching is not a spectator sport. There are breastfeeding classes before the baby is born that a partner can go to

This

I go to several groups and my husband asked if he was allowed at any and I said yes all except the breastfeeding one. Yes I would exclude my own husband regardless of whether I wanted him there as I wouldn’t want to make other women uncomfortable with his presence.

Hugely invasive and shows an enormous lack of empathy not to mention smacking of entitlement on his part.

So glad it was no men overnight on postnatal wards when I had kids.

When mine wandered in at the end of the group I went to a week after baby was born he was given pretty short shrift by the HV and midwife who were facilitating and advising. (He was in a bit of a daze and hadn't understood when my midwife said "partners don't generally stay" what she meant was "it's pretty inappropriate for partners to stay").
So that seems a little odd, to say the least.

Maybe they were sharing parental leave and he's about to take over and both were looking for support about feeding when the mum was back at work?
The HVS in my area are perfectly nice + competent but not really experts about breastfeeding babies/part weaning from the breast/supply issues if returning and needing to introduce bottles either of formula or EBM so I'm not sure where we'd have gone in that situation. Probably the local group- wouldn't have taken my husband with me though, and I know he'd feel that he wasn't fully briefed if he hadn't had the chance to ask his own questions. I'm far from saying "poor menz, no feeding support for them' since clearly they can't breastfeed and we do need specific provision for bf support where, frankly, you can get your boobs out and not worry about the male gaze but it does strike me that there might be stuff the husband/partner might want to ask and have no real avenue to do so. (I'll put my hard hat on now!)

But yes, it would change the dynamic significantly.

I agree with Ratbagratty.

Yes they should be there to support their oh and child. They can learn how hard it can be and help to take on the information to support them at home

However, the number of people on this thread who are unhappy with a man being present shows that male partners shouldn't be invited to these groups. But I hope that time and space is made for them in other ways.

My DH is my carer. I need his support physically and emotionally. He had to help me breastfeed as well as to physically attend support groups. I literally couldn't have done it without him. Should I be excluded, then?

I attended a breastfeeding support group as a teen mum, theres no way I would have been comfortable getting my boobs out in front of a strange fully grown man, especially if I had attended under the impression that it was a woman only group.

Why the hell does my mother need to be involved?!
so true.

I can maybe understand a very young mum coming with their mum but generally no, mums aren’t required either.

Oh dear I feel bad now! My DH came with me to the breastfeeding group as my baby was a week old and I couldn’t face taking 2 buses to get there so he gave me a lift. But there were quite often male partners at the group I went to with DC1 so I didn’t really think about it (plus to be fair at that point I wasn’t thinking about much other than getting DD’s tongue tie fixed)

If it's solely breastfeeding, then fair enough. I would speak with the organiser and suggest a specific "partner session" to remove any doubt.

DH was given very dirty looks when he dared going to baby weight sessions because some women wanted to breast feed there.

On another note, we shouldn't have communal wards, private bedrooms like a civilised country would solve the problems - even a bedroom with 2 beds would be an improvement. Until then, yes some new mothers do need their partner there when no one else is available to even bring them a cup of water!

If your DH/DP asked if he could come along for support or maybe because he had questions of his own would you refuse him simply because of his gender?

Yes. I'd tell him it was a women only group and other women needed it to be private, and he should ask his questions in another forum, or I'd ask them for him. I wouldn't bring another woman either; I didn't have a problem with the ones I met at groups, but I'd have no issues with an "only BF mothers in the room" rule at groups either.

I can maybe understand a very young mum coming with their mum but generally no, mums aren’t required either.

maybe because she drives?
You are not allowed to drive for the first weeks after a c-section, and why would you make your mum wait in the car instead of coming with you?

I will add to that even once I had established bfing and was comfortable with it, my male relatives tended to become very engrossed in a large broadsheet held high at feeding time.

I appreciated the gesture.

I got to attend bfing clinic with my first and the comfort and security of learning in a supportive environment among peers was invaluable. It is a support group not a spectator sport.

The opposite sex can wait outside, and if there needs to be a menz breastfeeding support group perhaps they ought to arrange that themselves and then women will have a choice about whether they want to go to that one. (they won't)

Men on postnatal wards has been a total shitshow and made a bad situation caused by poor staffing a million times worse and frankly dangerous for women and babies at the most vulnerable time of life. How anyone can reach for that as an example of why single sex spaces should be removed from women is beyond me.

OP please email the organiser, apart from anything else what if there was another woman there for the first time with a newborn who now thinks that is the norm and never returns and struggles on her own to establish feeding.

There are lactation consultants who will work with couples at home for those who need that.