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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 10/06/2019 13:54

My DH came with me when we needed advice. There were two other dad's there too. No one batted an eyelid. This was an LLL group. Pretty certain of anyone did feel self conscious and asked the gents to step out, they would have done.

ElizaPancakes · 10/06/2019 13:56

@Ratbagratty why does the man need to be told by other women that his wife finds breastfeeding difficult for whatever reason? He shouldn’t need back up info - he has a breastfeeding wife to tell him.

I agree with you OP. If that had been me I probably wouldn’t have gone back.

ElizaPancakes · 10/06/2019 13:57

@Bibijayne oh yes, because women always feel like they can speak up don’t they? Hmm don’t be so obtuse.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 13:57

Pretty certain of anyone did feel self conscious and asked the gents to step out, they would have done.

No, the problem is we’re all terribly British and don’t tell people we’re uncomfortable.
Women who need support will just leave and not come back.
I was uncomfortable with a man there today, I didn’t ask him to leave. I just sat feeling self conscious and vulnerable.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 10/06/2019 13:57

Bibijayne- You have no idea if the other women in the room minded or not

LayTheTableMabel · 10/06/2019 13:59

I can understand why you may feel uncomfortable. Having said that my husband came to a breastfeeding & sling group with me when bubba was 4/5 months old.... Lo had just had his tounge tie cut, I had a breast abcess on one side (& can still only feed on the other side) & we were having weight gain issues. My husband came to group at my request to hear first hand what we needed to do- I found it all so stressful & would forget everything we had been told. The breastfeeding coordinator at my hospital loved him as he was my personal cheerleader. I am still feeding at 9months and that is down to his belief in me when I had lost mine, & his support that whatever was right for me was right for our baby.

There is a respectful way of going to a group like this as a man but please don't underestimate the role some men play in a breastfeeding journey.

MommaToBe2020 · 10/06/2019 14:00

TheDeflector it wouldn’t bother me at all if you brought your husband along.

This thread has been a real eye opener though, I’m planning to BF and hope to have my partner’s full support and would probably have just assumed that unless we were told otherwise it’s fine for us to go to a BF group together so we can both learn and he knows how to support/encourage me/a second brain to remember info and techniques when I’m sleep deprived. I wouldn’t have assumed I was entering a woman-only space either and would be fine with other women bringing their partners, everyone is there for the same reason to learn how to BF and everyone is a new parent invested in learning this skill.

If groups are female only then hopefully they do publicise that so people are aware. Men are encouraged to attend prenatal classes and provide support during labour etc so I can completely understand why some women (like me!) don’t suddenly realise without being told that one specific class or group is female only when partners have been encouraged to attend everything else.

There should be options really, groups that are publicised as female only for those who only wish to attend that style group, and groups where partners are welcome/encouraged and everyone who attends is made aware of that beforehand. Maybe on an alternating week basis or something. I know there aren’t endless resources however but I think it’s just as important not to exclude women who feel more comfortable with their partners there as it is not to exclude women who feel uncomfortable with partners there.

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/06/2019 14:02

Really? I genuinely dont see the issue. He's a man so what? He's there to support his partner and child. Maybe she wanted him there as was scared to go and he was actively supporting her.
It's hardly like he came to perv fgs he was supporting hi partner and child.
The whole point of these groups is to support partening and feeding choices, including the male partner. Maybe he wanted advice on helping feed using expressed milk. Who knows.
It's there to support new parents with their breastfeeding choice. More men their is a good thing imo if it helps mothers feel supported in their choice.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 14:02

I wouldn't have asked 3 men to leave. I would just never have went back.
Do women not remember how vulnerable they felt after giving birth?

DCIRozHuntley · 10/06/2019 14:02

Our LLL is women only and no boys over aged 8. Local sling library is run by a man so can't visit LLL meeting although it might be of help and interest to the woman who attend. On balance, and rightly so imo, the comfort, privacy and dignity of the women who need LLL's core services comes first.

GMtoBe · 10/06/2019 14:03

Agree with you OP. At the breastfeeding support group I help run, if a man comes with his partner they are seen in a separate room so that the group area can remain women only. That works because there are 2 of us running the group so one can be one to one with a couple and one can stay with the main group. It's inappropriate to allow a man to attend the main group in my opinion!

feelingverylazytoday · 10/06/2019 14:03

Telling women they shouldn't mind breastfeeding in front of random males (or other people generally) isn't the way to normalise it. Women are entitled to our boundaries and for some women that means not revealing their breasts in public, not even to breastfeed. The way round it is to provide more women only spaces, not fewer.

Thesearmsofmine · 10/06/2019 14:04

I can’t believe that people don’t understand why a woman wouldn’t want to get her breasts out in front of someone elses partner. When I was trying to breastfeed I needed to have my whole breast out and they are big, I couldn’t just subtly pop baby on. I also live in an area where there are many Muslim women who would not attend this type of group with men present.

Vulpine · 10/06/2019 14:05

Needs advice about helping feed using expressed milk? There's not much to it surely.

Zapata29 · 10/06/2019 14:11

Men can learn about breastfeeding and how to support BF partners without going to the support groups, the purpose of those groups is to help mothers who are struggling to breastfeed and need help and encouragement in an environment in which they can be completely open and comfortable discussing any issues they might be having. My DH drove me to the local BF support group a week in (then waited outside) because I was struggling, I turned up crying, emotional, sleep-deprived, with cracked nipples, desperately needing support from women who could teach me how to do it properly. I would absolutely not have felt comfortable talking about my BF problems and getting my boobs out in front of some random guy.

Bibijayne · 10/06/2019 14:14

@ElizaPancakes no one was backwards in coming forward in that group. If you're going to be breastfeeding in public, I'm not sure what the issue is? I do live in an area with good support though. There are women's only groups, groups for feeding older infants, groups for newborns etc.

Bibijayne · 10/06/2019 14:16

I think it really depends on the group. There are women's only groups. If you feel uncomfortable wouldn't that be the first port of call?

feelingverylazytoday · 10/06/2019 14:17

Its hardly like he came to perv fgs
How would you know? You do realise lactation and breastfeeding is actually a very common and popular fetish? So that is a possibility.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 10/06/2019 14:17

fyette obv you know your husband and are comfortable with him, but are you honestly saying it would never have crossed your mind to consider how the other women in the group would have felt, having him there??? Shock wow, that's pretty self absorbed!

Hello1231 · 10/06/2019 14:18

But how do you know the mother wasn't overwhelmed just because her child was 5 months old? Do you suddenly cease to be overwhelmed when they reach a certain age?

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 14:18

You do realise lactation and breastfeeding is actually a very common and popular fetish?

Is itConfused good god why???

Bleurgh.

OP posts:
Brainfogmcfogface · 10/06/2019 14:18

Absolutely not ok imo. I’m going to one on Friday, if there’s a man there I’ll leave (so I really hope there isn’t as I’m having issues and could really do with some support)
I won’t feel comfortable discussing any issues in front of a man.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 14:19

But how do you know the mother wasn't overwhelmed just because her child was 5 months old?

No, I just thought it less likely and also at no point did they speak to any of the consultants.

OP posts:
Belmo · 10/06/2019 14:20

It was a male nurse that ran our breastfeeding support group! He was a nice guy and I didn’t mind feeding in front of him, but at one point I would have liked to show someone my scabby looking nipple and decided I couldn’t bring myself to show him!

overnightangel · 10/06/2019 14:20

“He was there with his wife/partner and their 5 month old”

Well there’s your answer OP

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