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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 10/06/2019 12:53

He definitely should not have been there.

DH used to make biscuits for our group. That's how he can be supportive Smile

pigsDOfly · 10/06/2019 12:54

He probably thinks he's being terribly 'new man' and supportive, and for his partner maybe he is, but he should not be in a breast feeding support group.

Learning to bf doesn't come easy for most women. They want an environment in which they can feel comfortable to get their breasts out and/or discuss their sore nipples.

Having a man in the room completely chances the dynamic. The group orginiser needs to be made aware of this.

Ratbagratty · 10/06/2019 12:54

Yes they should be there to support their oh and child. They can learn how hard it can be and help to take on the information to support them at home.

This makes me quite angry, we are supposed to be encouraging breastfeeding the only way to do that is to educate females and males!

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:55

Nope not transgender as far as I could tell!

My husband came to the breastfeeding class before I gave birth as did many dads and that’s totally fine but a very different scenario.

I’ll see if he appears again and if so I’ll speak to the organisers.

A session with partners might be nice as long as everyone knows what is going onSmile

OP posts:
TillyTheTiger · 10/06/2019 12:56

I totally agree. At the first breastfeeding support group I went to to I had never fed in public before and I was nervous even in front of the other women. The support I got was brilliant - I was helped with positioning, latch, and one of the other mums demonstrated the most subtle way to put on a nipple shield while feeding in public.
We also had really good discussions about nipple trauma and post-birth healing/episiotomy scars.
If there had been a man there I would probably have just left and not got any of the support I needed.

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 12:57

I went to a breast feeding support group with a new baby and there were two three men there with their partners. I found it off-putting and uncomfortable.

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 12:57

Two or three

SmilingThroughIt · 10/06/2019 12:58

Yanbu if they both need support as a couple then they need to book a private session. Or see a lactation consultant as we did.

Passthecherrycoke · 10/06/2019 12:59

IME they and any other “supporters” (granny, female partner etc) are asked to sit away from the main feeding group for privacy.

My husband attended under these circumstances with my 1st- I was fairly immobile and needed help to physically get there. He made friends with the grannies and had a cup of tea with them etc.

WomenUnited · 10/06/2019 13:00

Awful.

It could just be that some people need that spelled out, it could be that this woman is struggling with a very controlling partner on top of everything else.

Either way he needs told to get his cake elsewhere!

SoHotADragonRetired · 10/06/2019 13:00

They can learn how hard it can be and help to take on the information to support them at home.

They can read a book, watch a video, or book a private home consultation if they want to learn. Their presence in the group compromises its core purpose for multiple women. Their "needs" and interests are not primary here.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 13:00

You are right OP. Plenty of women will not want to get their breasts out in front of strange men. And if you are asking for help with latch etc, it is totally different from breastfeeding discreetly in public.
Groups like this are about ensuring women continue to breastfeed and that includes practical help with issues like latch. If men are there, women will not get the help they need.

Pinkvoid · 10/06/2019 13:00

I agree. All for men attending other baby groups but breastfeeding support is very personal. Not every woman is comfortable BFing in public and it stands to reason if you’re attending one of these groups, you’re struggling with it.

Tartsamazeballs · 10/06/2019 13:02

It's quite intrusive. I'm happy feeding everywhere and not particularly discretely at that but a man in a postnatal breastfeeding cafe type environment would make me a bit Hmm and I'd question his motivations.

Bluerussian · 10/06/2019 13:04

I don't understand why he had to be there with his partner and baby. I can't imagine my husband wanting to be at a breastfeeding group, not that we had such things when I was a new mum. What on earth do you do there?

BethMaddison · 10/06/2019 13:04

So on one hand we want to normalise bf and for things like fathers to stay on post natal wards ....
Yet you don’t want a father at a bf support group and are we saying that at 5 mths bf support isn’t as needed for all we know the woman could have pnd and have been struggling for months with feeding

PeoniesarePink · 10/06/2019 13:04

I'd find it very intrusive.

And would contact the arranger to check it won't happen again.

User12879923378 · 10/06/2019 13:06

Not sure how the baby being 5 months old is relevant. Either a man in the group makes you uncomfortable or they don't. Age of baby is irrelevant.

I think that the group should be for people who are doing the breastfeeding with their breasts. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable learning to latch on in front of a strange man, or for that matter in front of a woman who was there because she was someone's partner rather than breastfeeding herself. I did actually need my husband's help to position the baby to latch on at first (tiny baby, giant boobs, C-section) but neither of us would have expected that he could just sit in with a group of women receiving breastfeeding support. What I don't think is helpful is leaders who say that female partners/parents/friends of the breastfeeding mother are allowed in but men aren't. The only fair rule is that supporters stay outside, regardless of gender.

AuchAyeTheNo · 10/06/2019 13:06

Seriously?!

Obviously I’m in the minority where I think it’s a great thing for a father to be fully involved in all aspects of his child’s life including feeding. My DH was an amazing support through difficult times of breast feeding and I genuinely don’t think we would have managed it without him.

If your DH/DP asked if he could come along for support or maybe because he had questions of his own would you refuse him simply because of his gender? Or would you refuse female friends or your mother to come along too?

Passthecherrycoke · 10/06/2019 13:06

“So on one hand we want to normalise bf“

I do see this point but I just think we’re so far away from normalising BF when women need so much help because we don’t have that experience in our families etc that we’re not ready to act as though BF is as normal
In the U.K. as say, Norway

DannyWallace · 10/06/2019 13:07

You're right, it completely changes the dynamic.
I'm very lucky that I never had many major BF problems, but a lot of people do, and go to these groups for help with latching, or to give themselves the confidence to start feeding in public.

User12879923378 · 10/06/2019 13:07

So on one hand we want to normalise bf and for things like fathers to stay on post natal wards

(a) not all of us want fathers staying on postnatal wards!

(b) normalising breastfeeding means everyone being OK with it happening, it doesn't extend to inviting non-breastfeeders in to spectate at groups designed to help women who are struggling to breastfeed get the hang of it.

Hithere12 · 10/06/2019 13:07

YANBU

ChewbaccaHutchinsCool · 10/06/2019 13:07

Exactly, Gunpowder! Rat it's not everyone's job to educate de menz, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that breastfeeding can be very hard for some, they don't need to be in a room with a load of women trying to feed their babies to educate themselves.

I'd get in touch, OP, because personally I'd have left when he turned up and if I went back and he or men where there I'd leave and go somewhere else.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 13:08

BethMadison The purpose of the group is not to normalise breastfeeding. It is to give practical help and support to women so they continue breastfeeding. Lots of women give up because they practically struggle and get no help to resolve issues like latch.
And not all women choose to breastfeed in public. They deserve help to breastfeed as well.

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