To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

[Sexnotgender]

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

Depends on the type of group - if it’s an an actual support group, then yep the men should sit outside. Same as postnatal yoga, or anything like that.

Our local “breastfeeding cafes” are the only route to referral for tongue tie. So we had the ridiculous situation where DS’s tongue tie was diagnosed by the paediatrician in hospital as soon as he was born (it was v obvious as soon as he opened his mouth), but we had to schlepp across London to the breastfeeding cafe after discharge to get a referral back to the same hospital we had just left. Literally DS’s first trip out in the pram was to take him there. I’d had a c-section so needed help to walk there (it wasn’t particularly close).

There was a male health visitor present, so it wasn’t single sex anyway. And there were loads of partners present, most people brought somebody. There wasn’t any chatting (or cake for that matter), you took a ticket, had your latch checked, and were referred on if your DC had a tongue tie.

OP, does your group just offer support, or do people have to go there in order to access other things as well?

OP, does your group just offer support, or do people have to go there in order to access other things as well?

Just support. No requirement to attend to access anything.

@TheDeflector

Not sure why religion and race came into it but this is all very exciting.

Apparently I'm some sort of dog-owning troll, according to some grin I don't even have a dog. Mumsnet is really weird sometimes.
It’s because you keep adding more details and have made this thread all about you.
Your statement “where did I say I lack empathy” speaks volumes...

@Butterflyone1

He probably felt far more uncomfortable than the mothers in the room
As OP said he positioned himself in the centre of the playmat I highly doubt it...

@NicciLovesSundays
So your partner should take up a space in a Pilates class for pregnant women?
I’ve heard it all now....

For those suggesting mixed sex and single sex sessions for partners who want to attend... These groups are massively underfunded and fighting to stay open. The one in my village has been threatened with closure numerous times. They don’t necessarily have the resources to run multiple groups. If a new mother is struggling with feeding waiting a week to see someone is a long time, let alone a fortnight. With BFing rates as low as they are volunteer peer supporters need to reach those most vulnerable as soon as they can. I dare say those with their partners so invested they can’t sit in the car for the hour are not ordinarily the most vulnerable new mums. Those that have blustered the courage to attend, on their own are probably far more likely to be feeling vulnerable and need access to those services.

I’m going to a BFing group today. BFing is established but it’s a nice place to socialise, I have stored some general parenting questions which I save for group.

@MommaToBe2020
I’m sorry but your wrong.

Funding for lots of things have been cut, whilst I didn't breastfeed I would fight for women to get the help and support if they want to.

I really think we need to grow up and accept there isnt funding for EVERYTHING, for every demand, for every circumstance regardless.

Men who turn up to a bf class or Pilates will not care or be bothered what others think, they want what they want and stuff the rest of us. I agree with Monkey, the women on their own, who have the courage to attend are the ones we need to support and help, not some random man (or man's partner!) who think its their god given right to do whatever they like

Ghanagirl It's a shame that we can't have a discussion, share our experiences and our opinions, without someone coming along and telling us who is right and who is wrong. You clearly have your opinions, but that does not make someone else wrong. Surely it's preferable to respect other people's thoughts, then give reasons why you might disagree?

As I've already stated, rightly or wrongly, men are positively welcomed to the support groups in our county. I have suggested that there needs to be engagement with community health trusts and commissioners if you disagree with that.

No, on a serious note, it’s not the place for a man.
The early days can be very hard going and you are very vulnerable.

Exactly.

It wouldn’t bother me at all as I plan to breastfeed publicly if the need arises and so I’ll be feeding in front of plenty of strangers, male and female.

So you haven't breastfed and know nothing about breastfeeding but think you know it all anyway. I breastfed "in front of" strangers when I was competent and could do it discreetly without showing my breasts. No way would I have done it in a public place when I was learning how to do it.

I think there should be groups that explicitly state that partners could be there, and others that say women only so that mothers can make the choice to be supported with or without their partners.

And who's going to be paying for all these extra groups? As MonkeyTrap says these groups are massively underfunded and run with lots of volunteers - but yes, a man wants to be part of something that isn't for him so of course extra funds must be rustled up

So you haven't breastfed and know nothing about breastfeeding but think you know it all anyway. I breastfed "in front of" strangers when I was competent and could do it discreetly without showing my breasts. No way would I have done it in a public place when I was learning how to do it.

Totally.

I’m 4 months in and only just confident feeding in public without a cover and even then it depends on the company.

@Illberidingshotgun
It’s a shame some people don’t read the whole thread before before making comments.

Surely it's preferable to respect other people's thoughts, then give reasons why you might disagree?

Respecting people's opinions on Mumsnet?! Wow, I sure wish that actually happened! Seriously, I agree and I think it'd be great if everyone could be civil and respectful but that just doesn't happen on this forum sadly.

I think it easy to "respect people's opinions" if those opinions have no impact in your life. That's not the case in this situation. If women are of the opinion that their DH/DP should be able to go to a breastfeeding support group they may take them which means that those who don't want to expose themselves in front of strange men won't go which means that they are less likely to be able to breastfeed. Not surprising really that people who are against men going are quite vociferous about it really.

Men who turn up to a bf class or Pilates will not care or be bothered what others think.

No they won't care because they are selfish pricks who think it's fine to invade a woman's group.

I'm loving the comments about BFing discreetly.
Where exactly do you think new mums LEARN to do it discreetly, or get tips on what clothing works? Oh thats right down at the local breastfeeding group.

I run a bf group. We have two meetings a month currently. One is during the week and is women only, one is on a weekend and dad's are welcome. However this is made very clear on our advertising and we have a seperate room for anyone who wants a 1-1 or more privacy. We often get new post section mums who can't drive or twin mums who want the extra pair of hands. It means we're accessible and the dads get to hear what's normal and how best to provide support too.

That said op I don't think it's fair to just have a man rock up with no warning or without the women there knowing it's a possibility

I plan to breastfeed publicly if the need arises and so I’ll be feeding in front of plenty of strangers, male and female.

I breastfed publicly and not overly discreetly (I don't use a cover or muslin or anything) and have happily done so in cafes, libraries, supermarkets, shopping centres, restaurants, in front of my stepfather and brother in law. Breastfeeding once established is light years away from learning to breastfed, particularly if your baby is a reluctant feeder or has issues that means they struggle to latch. I suspect you'll find this out when you do actually breastfeed.

Christ, Ghanagirl, what's with all the bloody notifications? I had stopped FYI, why the incessant nagging?

If you can't understand that as a disabled woman who was unable to feed their baby without my carer holding the baby as my arms were too bad at the time, and that he needed to be supported in how to do that, and that there were no home visits, separate consultations or areas for us to be excluded to, then there is clearly a problem with your understanding skills.

As I've previously stated, the other members of my support group were fantastic. They knew my DH was there with me as a carer, for medical reasons. They knew he was there as a registered healthcare support worker, not as someone who fancied popping along for a perv.

They were happy for him to be there. I checked. Many times. He wasn't interested in other people's baps, only our baby, funnily enough.

You keep bringing religion, culture, skin colour etc into it and never once have I mentioned anything. Simply that I needed the support, my baby needed the support, my carer needed the support and that was all that was on offer to us.

I'm grateful everyone was so wonderful with us. And that real life is nothing like Mumsnet.

If you can't understand that as a disabled woman who was unable to feed their baby without my carer holding the baby as my arms were too bad at the time, and that he needed to be supported in how to do that, and that there were no home visits, separate consultations or areas for us to be excluded to, then there is clearly a problem with your understanding skills.

The thing I don't "understand" is your assertion that there were no home visits, separate consultations or other areas where you could go and have a 1:1 session considering that this was in a GP surgery. They would need to comply with equality act and make reasonable adjustments for you if you are disabled so that you could get help with breastfeeding, particularly as your requirement would be very different to everyone elses. As a HCP, I also find it incredibly unlikely that they would say "we are all grown ups" at the suggestion that some women would not be comfortable being half undressed in front of a man who is not their DH/DP.

I plan to breastfeed publicly if the need arises and so I’ll be feeding in front of plenty of strangers, male and female.
It isn't necessarily impossible to learn how to feed discreetly, the midwives and health visitor helped so I was comfortable after a week with family and after two weeks publicly (almost all the time and with DH helping by taking the baby when he was don't). But I'm an example of someone who didn't need breastfeeding groups, whereas most people who go along are there because they actually do need the extra support. If someone's examining your latch then you actually have to get the full boob out, or at least that's how it seemed when I was at related sessions with mums getting help near me. It's just not fair to have random men hanging about uselessly if someone isn't comfortable with that.

Where you seem particularly naive is "if the need arises". If you're going to breastfeed then get comfortable with the idea that the need will ALWAYS be arising in the early days. During cluster feeding periods you might have the baby on your boob every hour. I've been walking down the seafront with DS tucked under a snoozeshade feeding, sitting in many a pub or restaurant while he's feeding, walking in the hills with him feeding... Once you've got the basics sorted you get adventurous or you don't go out much in those early months! Meantime as part of your prep you can look up parents rooms in local shops, they're easiest for nipping in for a quick comfy feed and nappy change when you're out and about so you'll want to know where they are before you have a crying hungry baby needing help.

The deflector I'd feel ok with your specific situation where DH was required to actually hold the baby while you feed. But you must be a very very small percentage of women who need help to hold the baby.

For the vast majority of women and even most disabilities, unless there are communication issues I can't see a need for men to actually attend.

Dungeon - at the risk of repeating myself for perhaps the 7th or 8th time, I asked for 1-2-1 consultations and was told that they weren't offered, just the group. I'm really not sure what's so difficult to understand. They didn't need to make reasonable adjustments because my carer was with me and everyone was happy with that. I'm not sure if you have any experience with living very rurally, but there aren't many services on offer. That was the service.

I also find it incredibly unlikely that they would say "we are all grown ups

Good for you. It was said. By the same HCP who asked me if I'd had a "lovely little boy, or a horrible little girl" at my first visit to the group. I don't control what other people say.