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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 11:48

yes exactly every WOMEN has the right to receive breastfeeding support in the privacy of a female only space.

I think every woman has the right to receive breast feeding support in private. Full stop. I wouldn't have wanted to have sat there, fully exposed, in front of everyone and I speak as someone who breast fed until my DD was 3 and a half and did it in public and in front of everyone and anyone.

jennymanara · 11/06/2019 12:09

I agree that private individual support is far better, Group support will be offered because of a lack of money.

speakout · 11/06/2019 12:18

I agree that private individual support is far better, Group support will be offered because of a lack of money.

I disagree. Group energy can be very empowering.
One on one is good for fine tuning and mechanics of breastfeeding but there is something very powerful about a group of breastfeeding women discussing breastfeeding from emotional/practical/physical/social points of view, all women can have something to contibute, and other experienced mothers are invaluable- no matter how knowledgable or qualified the group facilitator.
IMO a facilitator only acts within a group to correct misinformation, provide technical answers, and steer things back to relevant topics.

There is something very special about the dynamics of a group setting that one on one support can't provide.

jennymanara · 11/06/2019 12:24

If I was having my breast manipulated around to sort out issues of latch, I would want that 1-1.
A chatting social group is different.

MorondelaFrontera · 11/06/2019 12:29

If I was having my breast manipulated around to sort out issues of latch, I would want that 1-1.

absolutely, that does not belong to a group sessions, regardless of the gender of the participants.

speakout · 11/06/2019 12:32

jennymanara

In my experience there is a cross over.
One to one support is not always " hands on" although it can be, and a group is not always about chatting.
I have seen women in a group setting demonstrate how to feed lying down ( on floor with pillows) showing other Mums different positions and holds, how to breastfeed in a sling, showing other Mums the best way to clear a blocked duct etc etc.

speakout · 11/06/2019 12:34

Very few one to one sessions involve "having breasts manipulated".

Dottierichardson · 11/06/2019 12:42

Fascinating thread. So, basically we teach little girls to have boundaries about their own bodies, and that they have the right to decide who has what access to it, but - for some posters on here - as soon as they’re adults they’re not allowed boundaries at all?

It’s only on Mumsnet that men are made out to be dirty weirdos

Personally, I think that attitude is bullshit. I’m one of those women who developed early, had a bra from the age of nine. I have spent my life having random men make comments about my breasts, in the street, at bus-stops, on more than one occasion had strange men grab them or squeeze them. They are part of my body, I expect to be allowed to have boundaries about my body – who sees it, who touches it etc…and that includes breastfeeding and classes around that.

Also, just because someone is a father doesn’t mean that they are a safe person, the majority of violence physical and sexual against women comes from their male partners – many of whom are also fathers.

And watching women breastfeeding is a common fetish, it’s called ‘erotic lactation’, ranges from wanting to be breastfed by women to watching women breastfeed…and it’s a growing area of interest which producers of pornography are increasingly catering for…

Over the last decade there appears to have been an increased demand for lactation pornography with magazines such as ‘Pregnant Pink and Milking’.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-excess/201606/erotic-lactation

What made you realize you were interested in erotic lactation? I have always been a boob guy but it wasn’t until I watched some [lactation] content online that it occurred to me that it was a possibility. It also makes logical sense as a boob guy to wonder what breast milk tastes like.

Read more: metro.co.uk/2018/07/24/meet-the-people-getting-off-on-breastfeeding-their-partners-7694473/?ito=cbshare
Twitter: twitter.com/MetroUK | Facebook: www.facebook.com/MetroUK/

BeyondOverTheMoon · 11/06/2019 13:01

My 2p... for context I'm a disabled woman whose exH was my carer, I breastfed for 3 years and I'm a qualified peer supporter. My DP will be carrying DC3 and we plan to share feeding, we were both breastfed ourselves.

So I'd say, from my own selfish me-based standpoint, there should be separate groups - one including men to allow for women supported, and one female-only. I say - acknowledging my bias - female rather than birth mothers only, as I believe grandmothers/friends/whatever who have breastfed themselves may be able to offer something of value to the group. And those who have not and are there in support capacity only may pick up valuable information without compromising the "feel" of the group in the way that men would.

EdtheBear · 11/06/2019 13:13

Beyond I don't agree with grannies or anybody else being there.

It's a support group for here and now, not what went on in the past.

People's brains go woolly they don't really remember the baby years or the issues new mums face. There were things I'd forgotten in a 6 year gap.

Advice changes, in the 70s cluster feeding was seen as your not producing enough, not your baby's trying to build your supply.

Women with hangers on change the dynamics. If people are alone they will mingle and chat to each other. People with 'support' will cling to the support. And never really chat to the mum who's new to the area with nobody making it tougher on them.

maimainomai · 11/06/2019 13:13

Fascinating thread. So, basically we teach little girls to have boundaries about their own bodies, and that they have the right to decide who has what access to it, but - for some posters on here - as soon as they’re adults they’re not allowed boundaries at all?

Has it not always been like that?

At least we manage to do better by children nowadays. Mostly...

But if adult women say something about their boundaries?
They're too sensitive. or demonise men. Or are traumatised and therefore overreacting (or hysterical).
Or just don't understand why they should be ok with these... impositions. It's very.... 'oh, you may feel uncomfortable. But there are reasons. Which you're simply incapable of understanding'.

People (children, women, men) should not have to justify boundaries when it comes to their physical integrity. which includes privacy in spaces that are meant for them / places meant for people in specific physical and medical circumstances (pregnancy, breast-feeding are imo good examples).

For the most likely somewhat rare case of a woman needing her male carer or partner there for physical reasons? I am not categorically against making exceptions on a case by case basis.

But exceptions are exceptions... Not blanket permissions that cover anyone for every not evidently objectionable reason.

Anyhow. I have commented yesterday and sort of let this thread... marinate (mentally,I suppose.)

I'm currently on my lunch break and... Idk. thinking about the many times I have been given to understand that my needs and desires are secondary pissed me off.a tiny little bit... So yeah. I hope my comment still made sense (even though it was a bit of a rambly rant.)

The amount of time I've held my tongue because it wasn't polite...is actually staggering.

And the weird thing is... I'm usually not particularly shy or restrained. but when it concerns my own privacy and space?

NicciLovesSundays · 11/06/2019 13:25

So your partner should take up a space in a Pilates class for pregnant women?

@Ghanagirl umm, no but would there be anything wrong with creating classes that are suitable for pregnant people and their partners? Can't you see how that might be nice for both people?

TheGoddessFrigg · 11/06/2019 13:26

I can see how The Deflector got her user name- everything has become about her very particular set of circumstances..

Sexnotgender · 11/06/2019 13:27

The amount of time I've held my tongue because it wasn't polite...is actually staggering.

Me too. I’m a very forthright person generally. Women are conditioned to be nice though. It’s a hard thing to break.

OP posts:
AgileLass · 11/06/2019 13:52

would there be anything wrong with creating classes that are suitable for pregnant people and their partners

There would be something very wrong with calling it classes for “pregnant people”, ffs

pigsDOfly · 11/06/2019 14:01

Beyond I'm a grandmother who breastfed my own three children back in the 80s.

I can see absolutely no point in having someone like a grandmother/sister/friend at a support groups for bf mothers. What on earth do you think they would actually have to offer. They are going to sit there and do what, exactly?

Any support I have been able to give my DD was able to be given at home. I don't need to follow her around to offer support. Like most other women who have successfully bf I'm not a trained bf supporter. I know what my experiences were but that's as far as it goes.

Bf support groups are for women who are bf. No one else needs to attend.

ChewbaccaHutchinsCool · 11/06/2019 14:02

The me-railing on this thread by one poster is, well, predictable. 'Because of my set of circumstances, you must be comfortable with being half-naked in front of strange me or you're a bully, a bigot, a man-hater! Me, me, me!'

DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 18:22

One on one is good for fine tuning and mechanics of breastfeeding but there is something very powerful about a group of breastfeeding women discussing breastfeeding from emotional/practical/physical/social points of view, all women can have something to contibute, and other experienced mothers are invaluable- no matter how knowledgable or qualified the group facilitator.

I can't think of anything worse, quite honestly.

speakout · 11/06/2019 19:54

I can't think of anything worse, quite honestly.

And that's fine, groups don't suit everyone, but many women do like group support.

DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 20:06

And that's fine, groups don't suit everyone, but many women do like group support.

Which is great if they do but support groups should not be the only option for obtaining health advice. It's not on that some posters were offered a group setting or nothing at all. Whenever I've had to endure health related support groups I've noticed that a small number of very vocal members get all of their questions and issues addressed while the majority just have to sit there a listen.

ssd · 11/06/2019 22:56

That's life isn't it?
Empty vessels make most noise

Dandelion1993 · 11/06/2019 22:58

I'd be okay with it.

A lot of midwives, HV and more bang on about dad's needing to be more involved and to show no ore support.

He was probably there as his wife was nervous to go alone.

Honestly at any baby group the man is there for the same reasons as you. To get advice and help for their child.

DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 23:01

That's life isn't it?
Empty vessels make most noise

Well yes, if you're talking about the WI coffee morning but not when it comes to health care. Everyone should have their needs met. It shouldn't be that one particularly gobby person can take over and then others who might be not as confident get ignored.

MrsMiggins37 · 11/06/2019 23:13

He was probably there as his wife was nervous to go alone

And presumably not caring how “nervous” his presence may have made other women who were actually entitled to be there. Nice.

pigletpie2177 · 11/06/2019 23:18

I had so many problems with feeding in the early days and wasn't unable to drive to the breastfeeding clinic (too far to walk) due to c section so would have been unable to go without DH. His support was invaluable and in those early sleep deprived and very emotional days it was useful for him to hear the advice too.

There were other men there and it seemed to me that nobody was the least bit interested in anyone other than their own family unit.

Maybe it would be good to have separate sessions but i don't know that I could have continued if my DH hadn't been with me for those sessions. Ive just weaned our LO two years later.

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