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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
MonkeyTrap · 10/06/2019 22:43

Why are women having to sit exposed in front of strangers at these groups? Why aren't women given some privacy?

I feed in a discreet top/bra like normal at group. So not exposed. We mostly drink squash and eat biscuits and chat. Anyone with questions can ask.

It’s not always what you’re doing right now but expressing, nipples being sore etc. So not all visual but important advice and support nonetheless.

anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 23:00

GreytExpectations "not seeing the issue" despite the issue having been patiently explained by multiple posters is utterly dismissive, it's not a debate it's a refusal to accept that another point of view has any validity. Nobody expects everyone to agree. The starting point for any debate is to acknowledge the opposing opinion and counter it with rational points, not to deliberately refuse to see an issue which has been laid out very clearly.

OneMoreWish · 10/06/2019 23:06

When I first started breastfeeding it was difficult and i felt very vulnerable. I went to a bambi group at a local children's centre.

In the group were womenwith older babies who were having tea and cake and very comfortable with breastfeeding in front of each other.

I nearly walked out then as I was so embarrassed at thought of having to expose myself ( I hadn't learnt the art of discreetly feeding or had the right clothes to do so at that point so it was full boob with sore nipples out) I also felt vulnerable as I felt a failure at that point and close to tears.

In my head I was trying to rationalise that all these women would know what it was like and could sympAthise and that I was ok. If there was a man there I would have walked out. I may have made a flimsy excuse to pretend I was at wrong place or somewhere else to go - so no one there would have known I felt uncomfortable with man being there. I am not an unkind person but for me my privacy and vulnerability would have meant I could not have exposed my self in front of a man ( who was not a medical professional) who I did not know.

Luckily for me this session was run by two leaders and one came up to and when I explained nervously I was having problems she quickly explained the other leader would take me into a separate room to help me after she had finished helping someone else.

This seems a good answer to me - those who are confident and happy to breastfeed 'in public ' did so in the main room and for anyone having difficulties they could go into a private room ( I'm assuming with partner if they really wanted/ needed them)

I went on to breastfeed for 14 months and in public but I know I wouldn't of carried on if I hadn't had the help and I wouldn't have stayed for help if there was man in the room. I can still spot ftm who are just starting their breastfeeding journeys and I remember how hard it was. To have some privacy while getting support is invaluable in my opinion.

Also if women need a man at a session and women won't go to sessions with men there then it shouldn't be about who wins - the service provider needs to come up with a solution that would allow all to attend - whether that's to have a separate room like I had or different sessions where couples welcome or just mums.

GreytExpectations · 10/06/2019 23:06

anothernotherone often from my understanding not seeing the issue is a personal response as in that one person doesnt have an issue with it, not that they dont understand somebody else' issue.

it's not a debate it's a refusal to accept that another point of view has any validity.

But that's exactly what posters are doing to the women who think men should be allowed in- refusing to accept their opinion because they dont agree with it

catx1606 · 10/06/2019 23:09

Actually I think it's a great idea that dad's want to get involved. Maybe he had questions on how to support his partner. Maybe he wanted to see how she got on in the sessions. Asking them to make a SEO appointment is almost like making it a tabboo that they should have questions. If mothers want to get comfortable with breastfeeding in public, then they need to get used to men being around. We want men to play an active role in the child's life theb don't want them from going to a breastfeeding support group.

GreytExpectations · 10/06/2019 23:13

Fwiw @catx1606 i completely agree with you but you better get your hard hat ready...

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 23:16

I was fired to.sit opposite two men and their partners in a small room, with helpers going around. I felt really uncomfortable and didn't go back. Ironically my husband was in the car, I hadn't thought to bring him. The men trying their utmost not to loom.at you but it was still cringe inducing and off putting to me.

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 23:16
  • forced to
Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 23:17
  • look
Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 23:19

I wished I could've got free help without having to get my gaps out in front of other women 's partners tbh.

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 23:21

*baps

Fkg autocorrect.

anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 23:21

GreytExpectations nobody has said that they don't see the issue women who want men at breastfeeding support groups have. They've said the only solution is a MX of clearly defined sessions, some clearly and without exception breastfeeding women only, others clearly designed as for breastfeeding women and their support partner, so women can avoid the one unsuitable for their needs.

catx1606 breast-feeding support groups are not grow a thick skin support groups. As multiple posters have already said the early stages of breastfeeding are often far more vulnerable and awkward than the stage when some women feed in public, and many women need the consultant to help with latch. Women who have no intention of ever feeding in front of men they don't know need support at these groups, they aren't rehearsals for feeding with men around.

They aren't about men, they are about breastfeeding, which is the one part of parenting post birth that men cannot do! Breastfeeding does not have to center men!

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 23:22

It was just another stressful experience in new motherhood that I didn't need.

ssd · 10/06/2019 23:28

I couldn't pay dh enough to go to something like this, he'll hardly come to Asda with me

S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 23:39

Thank you for answering my earlier question Sunshineandeggshells. Maybe if you could elaborate on that, others might gain a better understanding of why these female only groups are so important.

Ghanagirl · 10/06/2019 23:45

@NicciLovesSundays
But do you really think women should be accepting that if they desperately need help breastfeeding in early days they have to be willingly to accept a strange man or men in a breastfeeding support group.
It’s definitely not supportive in that case.
I’m so disappointed in the attitude that in order for men to be supportive they have to invade a breastfeeding support group.
My DH managed to support me following Csection of preterm breastfeeding twins by driving me to support group waking up to change nappies and bring me water and snacks, helping me to position them whilst at home.
He didn’t want to attend a breastfeeding support group because he realised most new mums wouldn’t want a man there.

Ghanagirl · 10/06/2019 23:57

@TheDeflector
So your rights overide everyone else!
Young mums, mums who don’t want a man to see them struggle to feed with boobs out due to culture issues or just mums like myself who don’t want a man invading a female space.

Ghanagirl · 11/06/2019 00:04

@TheDeflector
Being a ethnic minority is also a “protected category” but (white men) frequently trample our rights to privacy.
Now waiting for you to say you are black mixed race etc or your DH is...

EdtheBear · 11/06/2019 00:11

Not read the full thread but No, no ifs, buts or excuses men have no place in a breastfeeding group!

No reason they can't assist women and babies into the room, if necessary, and then leave. If a bloke turned up at boob group and stayed for the session I'd actually be quiet worried that the woman is in an abusive relationship.

Women go to these groups for womens help, to discuss issues and problems. They dont want to be discussing boobs, or the best in breastfeeding fashions infront of random blokes.
.
I can also say I'm glad my local hospital doesn't allow blokes to stay the night in maternity wards. They should be properly staffed to avoid this.
I had a night or two recently in a childrens ward where they insisted the curtains stayed open, it was a Dad who stayed with the child opposite me. Yes he had as much right to be there as I had but I can't say it made for a comfortable night for either of us.

Ghanagirl · 11/06/2019 00:13

@TheDeflector
Again, very rural area with a lack of health care workers. If a male is the only person available, which often is the case here, then that's the only choice.
Okay I now get you...

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 11/06/2019 00:17

My DH is entirely supportive of my breastfeeding our children but I honestly think he’d rather eat nothing but silken tofu and tap water for the rest of his life than ever have gone to one of these with me.

No, on a serious note, it’s not the place for a man.
The early days can be very hard going and you are very vulnerable.

Does everything have to be about men?

Ghanagirl · 11/06/2019 00:23

@TheDeflector
As a CSA survivor and someone with severe, complex-PTSD as well as physical disabilities, I'm pretty clued up on needs, issues and difficulties.

I'm also aware that sometimes men work in healthcare roles, or are registered carers.
That doesn’t mean other women don’t have the right to initiate breastfeeding in a woman only environment.
You don’t need to state that you have no empathy for anyone else as it’s pretty clear in your previous posts!!

randomchap · 11/06/2019 00:28

My wife struggled with breastfeeding. DC wouldn't latch on, wasn't feeding enough and DW was having an awful time. She felt so guilty because she had to bottle feed. I wanted to do everything possible to support her.

I think there should be groups that explicitly state that partners could be there, and others that say women only so that mothers can make the choice to be supported with or without their partners.

Ghanagirl · 11/06/2019 00:34

@TheDeflector
Please just stop.

S1naidSucks · 11/06/2019 00:54

I think there should be groups that explicitly state that partners could be there, and others that say women only so that mothers can make the choice to be supported with or without their partners.

That sounds good in theory, but that leaves vulnerable women with nowhere that they can be without an abusive partner. As Sunshineandeggshells confirmed earlier, quite often this is the man free space where an abused woman can open up about her circumstances. There are so few places where an abused woman can get to without a controlling partner being with her. I think it’s incredibly important these spaces are actually male free.

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