Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 12:47

There’s some info here that would help people work out what seems to be going on. The deposit, deeds, mortgage info, for example. How the mortgage will be paid. What the plan is for after the wedding. Etc.

CharityConundrum · 10/06/2019 12:47

I would think that they had put a lot of effort into writing an email that doesn't imply anything about either of you except that you both deserve the benefit of their experience when it comes to sorting the legal side of house purchasing.

Saffy101 · 10/06/2019 12:47

If you are planning on marrying soon and you are not paying anything or much toward the house. Maybe he is suggesting a pre nup. A very good idea in my opinion. It protects both parties. Shows nobody is marrying for "what" they can get!!! And if bad things happen it is part sorted already.

Celledora · 10/06/2019 12:48

I think I’d very much like to have an in-law like this. The wording is thoughtful, the thought wise and the wisdom seemingly well earned! Don’t let overthinking take the shine off this exciting time or mar your relationship with your future family...

DroningOn · 10/06/2019 12:48

Good advice that doesn't seem to be skewed in favour of either party.

Very sensible and quite thoughtful, I expect he didn't take it lightly when he decided to write this.

firawla · 10/06/2019 12:48

I wouldn’t really like it as it seems patronising and interfering?

ComeAndDance · 10/06/2019 12:48

The advice is sensible.
You can only read it as ‘LionsTigers is a gold digger’ if you add some financial information on the top (eg he puts 90% of the deposit and you only 5% but you are planning to have it 50/50 in the deeds OR the deposit is a huge amount of money given by PIL/inheritance form grandparents).

FWIW legal advice would be beneficial anyway but would make the biggest difference when you are married (eg ring fencing the house purchase at the time of the marriage etc...)
FWIW, if your partner decides to go for the legal advice, protect his assets etc, I would strongly advise you to get your OWN legal advice. Once married and with children, I would want some specific protection re the house/payment of the mortgage etc etc

AlphaBites · 10/06/2019 12:48

@themaddilemma

May I ask what the advice from your mother was?

Hiphopopotamous · 10/06/2019 12:49

Is there a reason why your DP is buying his own house if you are going to be married in the near future? Shouldn't you be thinking about buying a joint house together?

INeedNewShoes · 10/06/2019 12:49

I agree with other responses here that it's good advice and I think it has been thoughtfully worded.

I think it's positive that he sent it to you as well as your DP.

He's right. If I ever move in with a partner I will definitely be following this advice.

He alludes to the fact that it is not just money at stake but the awfulness of having to deal with it all after a break up.

Zilla1 · 10/06/2019 12:49

I would ask him to say what he means explicitly. He's obviously has something on his mind (and I have my views what he means) but you don't want to misunderstand him. It will be interesting whether he continues using weasel words/obfuscation or has the courage to stick his colours to the mast he has erected. I'd be particularly interested in what he means by his moral compass if he thinks his DC is bringing assets to the party, whether it points to you not being a gold digger or whether his moral compass would point to protecting the partner and who may potentially have their career and earning impaired by having and raising children (assuming you are a woman) and their potrntial DGCs. Odd things, moral compasses.

ComeAndDance · 10/06/2019 12:50

firawla nope, I wouldn’t see it as interfering but as a parent wanting to support their dc and their partner so that they avoid some the heartache they have experienced themselves.

FWIW I’ve had very similar conversations with my own parents about inheritance, marriage etc

Teaandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 12:50

I think it’s very sensible!

On the assumption you will be contributing in some way to the property (part of the deposit or paying to live there) but are not a legal owner then the advice is particularly relevant to you. Your partner owns the house and therefore his money is safe. You on the other hand are not in a good position should the relationship sour.

Obviously marriage will change things but in the meantime it is very sensible to get an agreement in place about how things will work should you split.

If you remain long term unmarried (although I realise this is not the plan) then you could claim beneficial interest in the property.

These things really should be discussed, your FIL has done you a favour to raise it if the two of you haven’t considered it yourselves.

Hullabalooo · 10/06/2019 12:50

I think it's a great email. He just doesn't want anyone to have the same financial issues he did. Makes sense. No judgement on you.

friedbeansandcheese · 10/06/2019 12:52

Why do you want to know what he said to your partner's brother? Why are you avoiding the question lots of posters have asked you: why is your partner buying the house himself? Why is it not a joint purchase?

Does he earn much more than you or have much more money than you? Do you have debts?

I also think the email is fair and I can understand your partner's dad's POV.

Iggly · 10/06/2019 12:52

He emailed both of you. He’s just giving some advice. Fair play to him

Eliza9919 · 10/06/2019 12:52

You obviously aren't putting any money in to the deposit/house, hence your offence taken. You would do well to heed the FIL's email imo.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 10/06/2019 12:52

I feel like I've read a completely different email to everyone else on this thread! All the comments saying that it's "sensible advice"...what is it that he's actually suggesting? What is it that's concerning him that has prompted him to send the email in the first place? It just sounds very vague and wishy-washy to me. If I received that email I certainly wouldn't be offended, but I would want to know what it is he's actually getting at.

Hullabalooo · 10/06/2019 12:53

Don't take offence where's there is none to take. If you're serious about his son then you should see that they're family and trying to advise as such.

ComeAndDance · 10/06/2019 12:53

Zilla I have to say I agree.
I read that part twice wondering what he meant by that. Is it about protecting the OP and future children, is it about protecting her DP, protecting some inheritance/money given etc...
Very hard to tell BECAUSE it’s very well worded.

The key thing is how her DO is responding to the email...

Mishappening · 10/06/2019 12:53

Was this to both of you, or just to you?

I have sons-in-law and would not have dreamt of writing anything similar to them. If my advice was asked I would have said my piece; but if not, I do not think it is appropriate for him to write to you in that way, however sound the advice might be.

In the end young couples have to make their own decisions - and indeed their own mistakes.

I think it is a strange thing to do, but I would advise you to take it on the chin with a smile, as you will hopefully have many years as part of this man's family and you do not want to set up any awkwardness unless you can possibly help it.

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 12:53

Why don’t you just give the facts, OP, instead of the semi-cryptic questions and posts?

FWIW it’s good, sensible advice and not at all implying that you’re a gold digger Hmm

If it was my son, I’d do the same. He’s buying a house and you get to live in it. Are you paying rent?

I’d want my child to protect himself and his assets, too.

EscapeTheOrdinary · 10/06/2019 12:54

I think it’s 100% sensible advice. It’s much easier to have a plan in place for the worst whilst your happy. I took the same approach when I moved in with dh. It’s not tempting fate or accusing anyone of potentially doing something they shouldn’t it’s just a very straight forward your entering a contract so make sure you know all the terms and conditions before you do.

7salmonswimming · 10/06/2019 12:54

It’s sensible advice. And given how you’ve reacted to it (chippy, quick to take offence or see something that’s not there, defensive, emotional, immature), he probably knows you well enough to have felt compelled to send this.

He’s a good man to have sent this to you both, rather than just look out for his son and leave you out of the equation.

Your BIL/SIL’s situation is completely irrelevant to yours. Your SIL may be much more mature and sensible than you.

Missteebeee · 10/06/2019 12:54

I think it’s sensible advice

He’s simply saying to both I’d you, protect yourself financially

Swipe left for the next trending thread