What would you think of this email from inlaws?

[LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas]

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

It's similar to advice I've given many times to non married couples when I was working. You haven't had to pay my £250 an hour fees for it either!

Think he meant well.
What was DP's reaction, btw?

Sound advice.

I don’t like the email at all. I think it’s very assumptive. But I don’t know quite what’s going on.

Why aren’t you buying the house together? I know someone who’s partner won’t ‘let’ her jointly own their home in case she tries to ‘steal’ it if they split up. Is he trying to protect you?

Would you want to know if they sent the same email to partners brother (future bil) who was buying a house with his girlfriend under similar circumstances

Well, I'd expect a slightly different content to the email seeing as you're not buying a house with your partner; but in general terms I wouldn't be upset about an email saying be careful about sharing finances when not married.

Would you want to know if they sent the same email to partners brother (future bil) who was buying a house with his girlfriend under similar circumstances I wouldn't be surprised if he had. If he hadn't then their solicitor will probably talk to them when they are choosing wether to buy it as joint tenants or tenants in common. It's different if she is contributing towards the purchase.

If anything this is good advice for you to take on, you might want to make sure that if you are paying towards the mortgage that you are entitled to some of the sale of the property if it goes wrong. I really don't think it was meant to be insulting.

I don't think it's good advice at all. What is the actual advice? It just seems like veiled ramble about you not being able to afford a house with him but I assume living in it anyway.

They should mind their own business, or provide practical suggestions only once asked for them.

Oh do stop frothing about this sensible email and get yourself some legal advice.

“Engaged and planning to get married” means nothing in the eyes of the law. If he is buying a property and you are living in it then you have no legal protection or rights to it. He can kick you out whenever he feels like it. Even if you have children together.

Why is he buying without you if he is planning to get married ? Or is the marriage your plan and not his plan ?

f83mx

I agree. I’d find it patronising too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's doing what you seem to be unable to do - take emotion out of the equation and think logically!

When myself and now DH bought a house together, we were using some of my DDad's money to do so and my DH was using inheritance. My Dad wisely gave me the details of his solicitor so we could each protect our stake in the property. We've been together 14 years now and are very happy but we have a safety net if things don't work out. There's nothing offensive about that.

It sounds very balanced advice to me. You could interpret it as you have or you could equally interpret as you have been together a long time, you will be contributing to the mortgage and upkeep of the house, and if you are not married and the property is in his name you stand to lose everything if you split up.

'That you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass'. I would take that to mean if you're paying towards the mortgage/deposit/upkeep of the house, but are not named on the deeds, you would potentially end up being worse off that his son. In the event you split up or something happen to him and are unmarried at the time.

@LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas I wouldn't care if he had sent it to other siblings or not. Our perspective changes with time and experience, and allows us to reflect.

I think that this is incredibly sensible advice, and you should should take it at face value without reading anymore into it.

I would think Dad had been at the sherry but also would make a note to sort my pension info, will and savings 😁

I’d see this as part of a parent’s job, because knowing about these sorts of things only comes with experience. It’s not something I gave any thought to before reading of the awful situations people have found themselves in on MN.

I absolutely would be telling my own dc this if they were in this situation.

It's a great email. I think he has gone out of his way to make it clear that he isn't 'targeting' you by mentioning that he and MIL had issues of their own with this, so ie it's very much NOT a 'you can't be trusted' message.

He sounds wise and fair.

But - you say partner is buying - then you say BIL and gf were buying together - so that's a different situation completely then? Point is, surely, that BIL&GF = both on mortgage, 50/50, legally ok. You two - partner buys, only him on mortgage - I would say the advice here is mainly aimed at you to tell YOU not to be shafted! - to be careful about moving in, helping pay off mortgage but nothign to show for it!

I think FIL is trying to be helpful to YOU.

Oh, I see, OP. You want to know if this is personal. Yes, I think I would want to know. Either way, I would look sideways at him from now on.

I actually think he is worried about you. If it's all in your dps name, will you be paying any of it. That's where I think him saying about morally right comes into it.
If you are paying the mortgage too you should be named on there.

Sensible advice, why is your partner buying the house and not you too. Sounds like your relationship might not get to the married bit. Your fil sounds very sensible.

I should add, that having it all set out, led to a very amicable divorce even in very difficult emotional circumstances. It meant the finances were set, and there was nothing to argue over there.

They sound like sensible loving parents giving sound advice.

Sounds like they had a miserable time untangling finances in the past, and keen you don't have the same experience in the case of a breakup so suggesting you discuss now how it would be handled.

Can't imagine taking offense.

It is a little patronising, but also the words of a caring Dad/FiL-to-be.

It's actually quite sound advice.

You seem to be looking for reasons to take offence, OP. Particularly with your insistence that you want to know what he said to your partner's brother, while avoiding the question of why it is your partner buying the house and not a joint purchase?