What would you think of this email from inlaws?

[LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas]

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

Some shocking bias driving ignorant comments on this thread.

Note the facts that the OP and her partner are not married and that the house is being bought in the partner's name. On that basis the OP has little or no legal claim should they separate further down the line. If the sudo-FIL was looking to over his son's back from a gold-digger he could simply take him aside in private and advise him to keep things very much the way they are.

The only thing that actually makes sense in light of the facts is that he is aware his sudo-DIL is exposed to risk and that relationships don't always stand the test of time. If anything, he's looking out for her, not his son.

Very sensible advice but I probably wouldn't have wanted to receive it at your stage in life.

It's sensible advice, especially if you're not married and only one of you is buying the house you will live in. If your partner's DB is buying a house with his GF (ie both purchasing it), then the same email to them is probably not warranted.

Out of interest, why is your partner buying a house on his own? If you are planning to wed would it not make more sense to joint purchase a house?

As for the ambiguous wording I think he’s trying not to offend.

It's very sensible and the sort of thing my parents sent to me when I bought a house with my now ex.

Thankfully I took my lovely dad's advice and set up a tenants in common because when we split up my ex tried all sorts to get more money out of me and I would've been in terrible financial trouble if I'd ignored it.

I agree with TooTrueToBeGood

@AlphaBites PROTECT YOUR ASSESTS! I'd sunk about £50k in to the house in deposit and had been paying the mortgage for years.

But to be clearer. When he moved in initially prior to marriage I had a 'Living Together Agreement' drawn up legally. It laid out that he would not be responsible for mortgage payments, maintenance etc.

We agreed he would pay a 'nominal rent' but it would not be counted as payment towards the mortgage.

On marriage this did effectively become null and void.

I don't now remember exactly what we did on marriage, I didn't pay for a prenup, but I think we both signed something from them to say that the ring fence around my property remained the same on marriage and that in divorce the house as an asset could not be touched.

To he took half of the furniture and £XXK in payment for work/input in the house over the course of around 9 years.

I think it is caring advice. I wish somebody had done this for me 30 years ago.

That's excellent advice and clearly well-meant for the pair of you. I like the sound of him, he seems like a nice man.

Would you want to know if they sent the same email to partners brother (future bil) who was buying a house with his girlfriend under similar circumstances

No, but then I don't go through my life comparing how people behave to others. Just to me - at least that's what I aspire to. I like to think I'm individual enough to be worthy of unique advice!

This advice chimes with my own approach to life. My husband and I take the approach of going to the pub and thrashing out any big life change/plan in detail. We put all the cards on the table, find out the legalities, test what the other thinks of as fair etc. Then we decide what to do, taking into account what each of us think about it. We write down what we decided and why.

As long as it's not illegal, we can of course change our minds on something we agreed on. But at least at a point in time, we know where the other stands on an issue.

Sensible advice!

OP, are you going to contribute to the mortgage and/or have your name on the deeds? If your DP is paying the deposit mortgage on his own do you expect a share of the property if you split up (or if something happens to him)?

In my current Partnership I'm not taking a penny in rent. Because I haven't had the same agreement drawn up. It does cost a little due to Solicitors fee's. But it saved me a lot.

I actually think he’s trying to protect the OP. They aren’t married, and it’s OP’s partner who is buying the house. That could leave her very vulnerable if they split, especially if she has been contributing to the mortgage.

He isn’t saying what you should do. He’s just saying that whatever you do, you could potentially save yourselves a lot of future heartache by making sure you are both fairly provided for in legal terms.

I might be curious to know if he had also emailed the brother and his girlfriend but if they are buying a house together the circumstances are different, so his advice wouldn’t necessarily be the same.

OP, you need to answer the questions posters are asking. Are you contributing to the mortgage in any way? If not, why not?

I bought a house with my DH when I was sick. I provided a deposit that matched his but, at that time, I was unable to contribute to the mortgage. My DH's mother just asked him if he understood the implications of this if I never got better. My DH said he did and he didn't care if he was the only one who paid off the mortgage long-term. The house was bought jointly. My MIL never interfered in any other way, she and I are very close. So, context is everything and if you don't provide that then no-one can advise you properly.

Sensible advice that actually comes across as him trying to ensure you are both financially protected. Why are you so desperate to take offence at this OP? Life is so much more of a struggle for those who insist on taking a negative view of everything, look at the good points and both of you get legal advice as he suggests.

A very caring message.

'That you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass'. I would take that to mean if you're paying towards the mortgage/deposit/upkeep of the house, but are not named on the deeds, you would potentially end up being worse off that his son. In the event you split up or something happen to him and are unmarried at the time.*

I understood that to mean that should they marry, and then divorce, she would legally (but not morally) be entitled to half of the house. So protecting his son , not her!

Still, I wouldn’t get too offended about the email. It’s only natural for parents to want to protect their children’s interests. And I assume that this involves some inheritance so the parents probably feel permitted to intervene as it’s ‘family money’.

I think it's sensible and carefully written.

Are you putting any money into the house? Are they putting any money into the house? Will it be in joint names? Will it just a be a house that your DP buys and you live in? If so, you're in quite a vulnerable position.

Its the advice everyone should be given before entering a relationship that has financial implications ,

He has excellent parents. If you're upset, you just need to get over it.

It is just sensible advice, especially if they have been bitten in the past. FIL is right, take off the rose coloured glasses and discuss what would happen if you did split up.

I put my house in joint names because I loved my husband and we were going to be married for ever. 6 years after adding him to the mortgage and deeds, he fucked off. He did the correct moral thing and did not take any of the equity that was all mine before we married, but legally it would have been a different story.

You say that your partner is buying a house, not "we are" buying a house. If you are getting a joint mortgage then your name will be on the deeds. You therefore need the deeds to reflect the share of ownership that reflects the deposit that your partner has paid, if you aren't paying any or are paying less.

I don't blame them for being sensible. I would never again just give away my property!

Considering the volume of women who have posted over the years who have been totally screwed over, you really should take on board what he has written.

OP I also think they are looking out for you. If they thought you were a gold digger, the email would have instead been a private conversation with their son. It reads to me like there was a lot of thought behind the email and I respect the way they have referenced their own relationship problems so it doesn’t sound judgmental.

It is a little patronising - but if you have been through the nightmare of splitting assets after a break up - you'd want to protect anyone you love from having to deal with the same problems. Divorce and break ups happen - that's realism - but having your finances clearly sorted and agreed while you are together and in a loving relationship will take an awful lot of the heartache out of coming to an agreement if things should sadly go wrong.

He's telling you both to be aware of your position and make sure you are protected - I would consult a solicitor and find out what your position is if your name is not on the deeds but you contribute to the mortgage.

I've been there - I would give similar advice to my children and thier partners (I'd probably wait until they asked me though rather than offering it unsolicited)

if you aren't sure where this is all coming from, ask him to clarify what he means and be more specific. Then you can see if it is coming from a kind place or an interfering one and judge your response accordingly. You can either think on what he's said or ignore him - your choice.

Well written, sensible and fair. Good advice.

No - I wouldn't want to know if the same was said to someone else. the knowledge wouldn't benefit me in any way.