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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
PostNotInHaste · 10/06/2019 12:28

What Hercule said.

BollocksToBrexit · 10/06/2019 12:28

Sounds pretty much like the conversation I had with my DD when she moved in with her boyfriend. Sensible advice from someone with experience on their side.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 10/06/2019 12:28

He's telling his son to protect his assets, but in the same breath is saying you should protect yours too. So I think I'd be a little surprised but overall try to think of it as them wanting to help...

WeirdCatLady · 10/06/2019 12:28

It sounds exactly what any parent would be thinking tbh.

f83mx · 10/06/2019 12:29

Going against the grain but I find it patronising and I’d be insulted - either way ....if it was my parent who sent it to my partner I’d be mortified.

Queenunikitty · 10/06/2019 12:29

They think you are a gold digger and are worried about your partner’s money. Are they providing a deposit for the house? Are you contributing anything? Are you both having your names put on the deeds? Have you both been paying equal rent etc up until now? What has your DP been telling them about your relationship/finances? They sound very controlling and I would run a mile if I were you. I’ve been divorced BTW so I speak from experience.

PinkCrayon · 10/06/2019 12:29

I agree with pps its sensible advice.
I also think they worded it really well.

Original poster
LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:29

Would you want to know if they sent the same email to partners brother (future bil) who was buying a house with his girlfriend under similar circumstances

OP posts:
f83mx · 10/06/2019 12:30

.... mainly because I should add! I’m a grown up and if want financial advice would ask appropriate person/discuss with partner

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/06/2019 12:31

Would you want to know if they sent the same email to partners brother (future bil) who was buying a house with his girlfriend under similar circumstances

No, because he's buying his house WITH his girlfriend; and your partner is buying his alone. That's totally different.

You realise his advice benefits you too? He's telling you both to be aware of your rights. Common law marriages are a common myth. You don't want to put anything into the house, split and get nothing back. You don't want to put yourself in the situation where you lose more than you have to if you don't get married for whatever reason and then something happens.

It's not a slight on you.

Alsohuman · 10/06/2019 12:32

You really are determined to take offence where none is intended, OP. You won’t go into any detail about your circumstances which might be entirely different to your partner’s brother’s.

freshstartnewme · 10/06/2019 12:32

Would you want to know if they sent the same email to partners brother (future bil) who was buying a house with his girlfriend under similar circumstances

They are not similar circumstances though.

Brother 1 - buying a house alone.

Brother 2 - buying a house with his girlfriend.

theemmadilemma · 10/06/2019 12:32

Very sensible. My mother would have said similar and thank god she did.

He's suggesting you BOTH protect your own assets. And that's because they've both been through divorce.

And they're right. Do.

Theknacktoflying · 10/06/2019 12:33

why would you want to know about the financial discussion that your future fil had with your future bil? Was the e-mail addressed to you both?

eddielizzard · 10/06/2019 12:33

Great email. Good advice. No slights that I can see. He specifically says 'both' and not only what is legal, but also moral.

user1483387154 · 10/06/2019 12:34

very sensible advice

LittleRedMushroom · 10/06/2019 12:34

Would you want to know if they sent the same email to partners brother (future bil) who was buying a house with his girlfriend under similar circumstances

Only if their circumstances were exactly the same as yours. They may have given them different advice if the situation is different.

fedup21 · 10/06/2019 12:34

Is he buying the house in his name only with his deposit?

The brother and girlfriend’s situation isn’t relevant here if they are both buying jointly and you aren’t.

Are they?

Gatehouse77 · 10/06/2019 12:34

When DH and I bought our first house I was advised to be tenants in common to protect my money. Neither DH nor I took it as anything other than sensible advice - didn’t mean we had to act on it. We did and in terms of making wills and protecting the kids inheritance if there were a marriage after death it’s been far simpler.

Protecting yourself is not an assumption that things will go wrong but they can.

I see it as insurance - like house, car, life...

burritofan · 10/06/2019 12:36

If you're engaged and you've been living together a while, why aren't you buying a house together? I think it's a kind email and your BIL's situation is very different.

I don't understand this "partner is buying a property" thing that seems to crop up here frequently. Even if the deposit is his, surely you're planning to contribute to the mortgage or repairs? Aren't you in it together?

LittleRedMushroom · 10/06/2019 12:36

If the situation was reversed and you were buying a house, would you get upset if your parents were concerned about protecting your hard earned money?

ceirrno · 10/06/2019 12:36

Seems utterly sensible to me, it's exactly what my partner and I are doing as we're buying a house and my parents frequently say similar things...

wheresmymojo · 10/06/2019 12:37

Sensible advice and tactfully worded. You'd both do well to follow it and thank him for it.

If he was concerned that you were a gold digger he'd give advice to his son on a 1-2-1 basis not write to you both.

theemmadilemma · 10/06/2019 12:37

This was my house when I got married. Thanks to my mother and legal advice, it remained mine on divorce. The divorce still fucked me somewhat financially as I did have to take into account investment in the property in terms flooring he wanted and paid for etc., windows which were a gift from his parents. However I was protected from having to split equity and the like because I was careful.

pokepoke · 10/06/2019 12:37

This is sage advice for both of you and I think it's coming from a good place, especially as he and your fiancé's mum have gone through messy financial matters previously.

I also think that it's irrelevant what he sent to the other couple as your partner is doing the purchasing alone and the other couple are buying together.

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