What would you think of this email from inlaws?

[LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas]

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

I read your comments OP before i commented .
This is not a nasty email.
In fact it sounds very loving and caring towards you .
You have far more to gain from following the advice laid down here that your partner at this point, as without a legal agreement you would not have a leg to stand on.
Get something written up about your helping to pay the rent and it equating to you having a share in the house value .
Should you not marry as fast as you would like it gives you protection and in your relationship.

This FIL will be your friend if you let him.

Amazingly sad that you have been given the MOST kind and generous piece of advice from your future FIL and you are in a paranoid sulky snit imagining that you have been insulted. It is just - sad.

I guess you must plough your own blighted furrow.

Seems fair advice...try to think about if you had a son / daughter in the same position and how you might feel about it / want to advise them.

My now FIL actually had a very similar conversation with me and my DH when we bought a house..DH put in all the deposit. I wasn't at all offended, we did a split of 60 to DH /40 to me as i'd be contributing to the mortgage equally which in my mind was more than fair.

I had always told my DH though that if we got married and before any children I would want this to be 50/50 for peace of mind/security my DH had no issue with this and that's where we are now many years down the line, just be upfront about it, its not being a gold digger to secure your future once children come into the picture but before they do it also makes perfect sense to both protect yourselves as things can go wrong its just life.

This is just the strangest thread ever, in terms of OP response.

I think it is kindly and thoughtfully meant and should be taken that way!

I wish I had had your FiL. I bought a house after we were married. He never put a penny in, nothing food bills furniture nothing, hence the divorce. Now I should have been entitled to the whole house. His name was not on the deeds and I had sole paid the mortgage. However when the divorce solicitor looked at my finances he was very clear that I didn’t have the money to fight it out in court that it would take to prove that and instead advised me to agree to what he was asking for. 12 years later I am still paying off the loan I took to pay him off. Had I tied that all up first my life would have been so much easier.
I thought the tone of FiL was warm and quite lovely.

Sorry but I think FIL is a manipulating shit. He is 'suggesting' you both protect yourselves but what he really means is his son should get a pre nup .

Op why have you bothered asking the question if your mind is made up and your plotting away? Either ask the question and take on the advice or don’t bother and put the blame on his mother.

Bit weird emailing you that BUT I think he meant well and it sounds fairly sensible advice.

seems really good advice apart from until the day you sign on the dotted line of the marriage certificate,if things went wrong you'll end up like me,i wasnt on my now ex;s mortgage we were together over 10 yrs and he made me and his own son homeless

even if going to marry or married, do take heed of his healthy sensible foresight into consideration. Cover both tracks to be fair whilst you still can and still in love. Never know when things go sour and all hell break lose and nobody is going to be fair

Very wise. I would not take offence in the slightest. My dad wanted me to get a deed of trust when I bought my first house with my partner (now ex partner). It really does make things a lot easier and less expensive in the long run if this is sorted out. It protects you both. I never thought 10 years down the line we'd have broken up but we did. We literally just had what we both put in back and any profit divided evenly between us. Very easy to sort out, solicitors do it all the time.

Not read whole thread but woukd think its a well intentioned message for both of you. We suggested our dc get their housr depisits ringfenced wgen buying with a partner. One responded "oh we've talked about" what ifs" and partner has said they would never take my deposit, famous last words! Make sure everything is buttoned up now while you love and care for each other because you wont feel the same down the line if the buttons pop.

Fat fingers = shite typing

What is your fiancés opinion? Have you discussed special
Occasions going forward? Doesn’t sound like you have a lot of respect for him. Do you even like him?
Honestly never mind the email, you and your fiancé need to have some serious conversations about your relationship and how it will move forward and adapt as you grow as a couple.

Aw i think this is incredibly sweet, he wants you to learn from his experiences and may find it hard to speak about out loud x

Take his advice... ps... from my experience, i was with my now husband for 4 years when we started looking at houses. They were around 80k mark - i wasn't ready so we waited. 4 years later in 2008, the height of the property boom, we bought a council house for 150k in case prices continued to rise. Now we're paying off a v exp mortgage, in negative eq and i can't afford to cut my hourse to be at homw with kids 🙈😭

If you do go ahead treat it as a financial investment and remember that its only brick and morter x

Thoughtful and well-intentioned (and he’s right).

They sound lovely, sensible and like they're making sure you both know what you're doing.

He basically sounds like he wants his son to ring fence the house until your marriage. Which is fair - signed, lady living in her DPs house and paying no mortgage on it because it is not yet my house.

I would use the letter as a stepping off point to have a really frank discussion with your partner as to where things stand with regard to the house should the two of you break up. Does he get the house? If you've been paying towards the mortgage how will you be compensated? And should you buy together instead? Use your father's email to your advantage.

As someone who is currently dealing with the nightmare of a marriage breakdown, that is v good advice :)

The message is caring and wise. He is asking you both to take consideration of contingencies and look ahead. It’s very good advice.

He wil know that if you both marry and things go wrong, a divorce settlement would give you half each of the assets and that if there were a child that child would have a right to remain in the house with the carer parent until he or she finished school.

It is a brave person who asks his fellows to think these days, as well as feel, as thought is not in fashion and a plea to do it often causes offence.

OP, setting the matter of the house aside, I would go for pre marriage counselling with your DP. This will at least give you a heads up as to whether it is worth getting involved in his house purchase in the first place.

I’ve been through it. Luckily my ex was fair.
It’s good advice!

He could of spoken to your partner separately and told him to protect himself if that was his goal. He’s written it for you both which I think is lovely. I’m in a messy financial situation with ex and I wish I’d had someone write this for me before I’d jumped in thinking everything would be fine. Deffo take the advice and make sure you are protected as well as your partner is so it’s fair xxx