What would you think of this email from inlaws?

[LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas]

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

I thought same. Has son been hurt by her down the line somewhere....

My father gave me this exact advice 30 years ago when I bought my first property with my then boyfriend, I was in love and thought we would be together forever. I was wrong and Dad was right. We lasted 8yrs and I walked away with nothing.
Now I have a son who looks likely to buy a home with his gf and will give them this exact advice.
Your bf's father sounds like a wise and careful chap - be pragmatic and take notice.

He just sounds like he gives a shit.
Which is nice. He obviously thought his delivery was better pen to paper.
Someone when you try and speak to someone it can come across as interfering.
He makes it clear in this he isn't just wants you both to be cautious.
I bet he probably wont mention it again unless you do 1st
He has said what he wanted to say

Sounds like good advice to me. Me and my husband bought our house as tenants in common as we weren't married, that was advised by the solicitor so we get equal rights over the property

Very sensible advise. A girlfriend is getting divorced and foolishly doesn't have a pre-nup. When they got together she owned a flat in Surrey and hubby owned nothing. They bought a house together to which her useless hubby has contributed nothing (effectively living rent free). Much to her annoyance he will walk away with 50% of the value of her assets AND half her pension.

If you are married and have kids then, as part of a divorce, what you need financially will be taken into consideration however it's a whole different story if you've no kids and not married.

Worth seeking some legal advise. It doesn't mean you don't love each other, just taking sensible precautions!

Totally agree that this email is sent with the best of intentions. They have obviously had a few financial problems in the past and want to spare you both the worry they had. Not getting out your depth financially is great advice

Yeah, I had a FIL like this, all very sensible and all that, but he’s basically telling the son to watch his back if things go wrong.
It’s actually not atall ‘friendly’ and is incredibly patronising.
Just ignore him.

But he's not telling the son, he's telling the future DIL as well. Which I think is pretty fair minded tbh.

This is the sort of email my fiancé’s dad would send, I think he means well and it is sensible.

When we told my parents that I was pregnant after only 3 months my dad said to my fiancé that it wasn’t too late to change his mind!!!

Your FIL to be sounds lovely. I think that was thoughtful and caring. And non judgemental.

You can take it however you would like. Does it matter if it is being sent to protect the son or you? No, as the advice is good. Get a will, sign an agreement about your house ownership. Protect yourself! as in the end that is all we can do. It does not mean that you don't love your partner. It means that you are a strong, capable and sensible women who know how the world works and will not be trod on. so take the advice and get your house in order because no one else but you can do it.

Legally, once married, you would be entitled to half the property. Although you don't say if you are both on the deeds and, if so, whether joint tenants (even split) or tenants in common (split can be sorted any way you decide).
I think what he is saying is that, as you are not buying the house, your conscience should tell you that you are not entitled to any of it!

Hello - I just got divorced.

This doesn’t make sense. Under current law you are protected, not your fiancé.

Basically when you marry, if you both then stay in the house, have kids etc and then divorce you will have 50% of net assets including the house.

He is also interfering. This is not his business, your facts are different to his and he is transferring his difficulties on to you.
The only thing you can do by taking legal advice is to limit your future rights. And that doesn’t work anyway at the moment.
So his email is pointless and muddled.
Apologies, I really don’t know your situation and can’t judge anything, just that I went through it including three court sessions and the advice I had on day 1 was the end result - as described above.
Ps - I work full time, die apart from mat leave, contributed throughout so this isn’t a bitter post - it was just a pain to have to go through (and awful for children).
Your FIL needs to educate his son, not you.
X

If he was trying to protect his son / stepson, he'd have contacted him separately.

He's given well meaning advice from bitter experience to you both & encouraged you both to seek legal advice

• this will protect both of you - his deposit protected & your name on the deeds

I would think it was patronising. Why does he not think your capable of living together and also being adults about any future problems . Its more likely he thinks your after money or inheiritance . I would write back saying how if you have any financial problems from a split you understand he will be able to help. I mean this to be in a sarcastic way .

Let's be honest the father's email is saying if you break it's not fair if she gets money from his son's house. He has expressed this sentiment in a rather lovely way and I applaud him for it but is it fair? I'm not sure. We have laws to protect individuals in these situations i.e is the OP contributing etc. I imagine the father knows this and doesn't like it, hence the e-mail. Additionally this is unsolicited advice to two adults, as a parent you may know better on many subjwets (or think you do) but dishing out your wisdom to grown up children should be done extremely carefully, I would say this email is dangerous ground. It's up to the OP and her fiance to sort it out, plus once they're married it's a whole other ball game.

I wouldn't find that at all patronising. It's jolly good, fair, advice and I think he's put it very diplomatically.

That you seem so cross about it does imply a level of teenage pique that suggests he is absolutely right to have written it.

I think it’s carefully worded but it’s clear who they mean it for.

Be realistic, OP. Obviously their concern is for their son. You aren’t even a member of the family yet. I’d be giving the same advice to my DC although I might not put it in writing. The main thing is, it’s good advice for both of you. Try to see it as such.

My ex was the one who bought 2 houses. The first was the house she was in when I came along. She had to buy out her ex, and then get a mortgage also. She managed, but only due to myself, selling my old household items (don't need 2 fridgefreezer,washing machines etc nntaking out a small loan) and this paid off the ex. She still tho, treated it as JUST her doing everything and I had no financial interest!

Same with moving n getting second home, it was my money that kept us, while she saved to pay the deposit.

Yet after 8 years, I walked away with .... Zero pounds! Not even for the money I'd out into the 2nd home doing quite extensive n expensive repairs myself.

My legal team advised me, I'd have to go down a civil case, and sue (was legal advise service only) and that I'd likely see a small gain after fees.

...
So I totally get the part where it says... Moral Compass. As my ex had none, and cost me potentially a few thousand pounds even tho, I wasn't on the deeds or mortgage, I should have gained from improvements (can't think of the proper word) and increased value.

OP
”If I'm married and we have children and my name isn't on the deeds what would happen if we divorced. Would me and the children be homeless or would my partner get sole custody?”

This is exactly the type of thing that your BFs Dad wants you to think about. It’s silly to just move into together without thinking things through carefully. Mind, it doesn’t sound like your BF going to stop taking his parents advice anytime soon. If you have reservations about his behaviour 5 years into your relationship then i think you re being very optimistic to think he will change.

It is sound advice. Advice you should probably take to heart given you are asking questions on here about what you'd be entitled to in a given situation. That's exactly what the advice is suggesting you find out - but from a reliable source not a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum. (To answer one of your earlier questions - I would, probably, be curious as to whether they sent a similar email to his brother, but I know it's not a piece of information I have any right to and I know finding out wouldn't actually be the proof, in either direction, I would build it up to be in my head).

I think you should, however, take a step back and ask yourself whether you should move in with this man. Your thred raises soem red flags for me. I realise you probably love him, but it sounds like you aren't a priority for him the way he is for you (from the story about the Christmas visits). You paint it as his parents being interfering, but the problem is much less that they share their opinions and much more that he agrees with them or at least acquiesces. You are going into a relationship with a power differential that will be hard to change once you are enmeshed. You might want to see if he will untie the apron strings before you move in and end up feeling trapped in a situation you aren't really fully onboard with.

You mention possibly having children upthread. Don't do this until you are happier with the way he prioritises you as his family and you've made sure you're protected financially.

Why is your partner buying a house and not you both? Will the hse be your home or his he renting it out ? If he's buying it will he be charging u rent? More info needed. But I think it was a nice email to send to u both. I hve experience when it comes to living with partners who owned hse. First boyfriend of 7 years bought hse in his name only even though I paid half deposit and mortgage we split I got nothing. Few years later of 6 years owed hse I sold mine put my money into his house he never added me to the deeds when he said he did i got nothing. Reading this I realise how stupid and trusting I was. So I can see where his dad is coming from. Get legal advice from the off.

I think reading his email again, he is kinder than I thought. Legally right would be you get nothing but he insistsvon some moral aspect, which would be in your favour... You are not on the deeds so can't run without anything. He has no reason to protect his son as you will be the one in precatory there. Could you hold on a bit and make a purchase together?

Have not read replies but I would say very sensible advice do hope you are not offended by advice though

Awww. I think that is a very sweet thing for a man of that era to write, very open hearted and trying to be pragmatic x