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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
RaffertyFair · 11/06/2019 12:55

Not sure why you can’t accept that my view on this differs from yours,Rafferty.

Eh? You asked me a direct question ParanoidGynodroid : What "facts"Rafferty?
I gave you an answer ffs

Alsohuman · 11/06/2019 13:03

Regardless, it’s good advice, OP. Are you going to be sensible and take it or just keep on being offended at an imaginary slight?

Divgirl2 · 11/06/2019 13:09

It doesn't matter who wrote the email OP, even if it came from his mother's account it wouldn't change the content, or the fact that it's good advice.

You either need to seek legal advice or really look at your relationship and whether this is something you want long term. These family issues seem to be very big to you, and his relationship with his mother isn't going to change. Not even if you get married, not if you have kids.

Chocmallows · 11/06/2019 13:15

Makes financial sense. What happens to you if you split up after 5, 10, 15+ years and not married - you would have to prove you had paid into house and even then would you win or be broke?
Why don't you separately buy a purchase to rent, pay him towards bills but not his house. Anything goes wrong you have a property too?

FinallyHere · 11/06/2019 13:20

OP I do hope that you are taking on board the excellent advice which you are receiving here, about informing yourself of the risks that you are undertaking, living in a house in which you have no stake or security.

You may think that your fiancée's step-DF is not on your side and that his mother is interfering. What an outsider can see so clearly that it is your partner going along with this state of affairs that will impact your life.

It is also best to assume that this will not change and take things from there. Please make sure you inform yourself about the risks you are running living in a house of which you intend to pay your half share when you have no stake in that house.

Likewise, it is important to discuss with a future partner how you would deal with the unexpected that this life night throw up before these events occur so that you can be prepared

All boring , adulting things but honestly if you do not look out for yourself and any potential children, you cannot really expect anyone else to do so. The time to have discussions is exactly when everything is going well.

Don't let yourself be uninformed as well as vulnerable.

Much better than when a tragic accident has occurred, the house turns out to have been left to his mother as next of kin in the absence of a will and you are expected to move out sharpish.

Don't be that person, taking that risk.

BertrandRussell · 11/06/2019 13:33

It doesn’t matter who it’s from. It’s excellent advice. Take it.

AWishYourHeartMakes · 11/06/2019 13:33

I think this is really nice advice and not meant to be creating trouble or implying anything. I can see how it could make you feel a bit uncomfortable but I think it is meant with good intentions for you both.

Okki · 11/06/2019 13:42

Regardless of the backstory it is excellent advice. I have every intention of giving my DC's the same advice.

As you say you are contributing to moving costs and have savings wouldn't it be better to share the costs? Even if you contributed 20% of the deposit and then paid 20% of the mortgage for example, that can be reflected in an agreement or the deeds. Any unmarried partners should be very aware of their rights.

Mamma1974 · 11/06/2019 13:50

It may seem strange to receive this but I think he is just thinking of you both and it's advise from life experience and his heart it seems.

BertrandRussell · 11/06/2019 14:21

Even if it is intended maliciously- it’s still advice you should take. So if it was intended to put you down, it’s backfired.

Walkaround · 11/06/2019 16:04

The logic of people who are simultaneously claiming that the e-mail is maliciously intended to benefit the son and complaining it is vague is seriously flawed. The e-mail is quite explicit - get proper advice on this and it is not for me to tell you what the right thing to do is, it is for you two to work it out for yourselves in accordance with your own principles. People claiming it's a nasty e-mail are just getting their knickers in a twist trying to justify that interpretation and complaining the e-mail is vague to justify the fact there is fuck all in it to back up their opinions.

Phoningliz · 11/06/2019 16:32

Either way OP the important thing is you now know that you need to look in to this.

I’d say either go in halves with him (protecting his £38k and your £2k on a deposit). Or, it’s completely his and you pay nothing towards the asset.

Walkaround · 11/06/2019 16:36

And frankly there is no black and white, right or wrong answer to this, as it all depends on the views of the couple. All they are being advised to do is make sure they are singing from the same hymn sheet from the start and have thought through the possible long term consequences of any decisions they make together. The OP's partner is putting inheritance money into a house - is this intended to be a joint home, or will the OP be a tenant? What if the OP gets a large inheritance but spends it on the wedding. Is it fair if the OP's partner finds a way to ring fence his house deposit, inheritance money and get it back if the relationship fails, but the OP's inheritance is just counted as having been frittered away? How serious are the couple about marrying? Why have they not set a date? Why buy the house before marriage? If the OP's partner died now, would he want her to get anything from his estate, or would he want it all to go to his family? Is the house really just the OP's partner's investment and she's along for the ride until he wants to chuck her off it? Do the couple want to leave it vague so that they are obliged to fight it out in the courts if they fall out and split up? Or would they rather ensure they retain some dignity?

Technonan · 11/06/2019 16:42

Until you are married, you are not protected in the home, unless you have a recorded financial contribution. A friend of mine lost most of the house she had lived in for 15 years, improved and worked on because there was no record of her financial contribution and her partner behaved like an arse and wouldn't make a moral decision but only a legal one. He is making sure you both know where you stand now. Good for him.

Swellerellamoo · 11/06/2019 16:46

I think it sounds like a very well meaning and kind email and you should take his advice . Are you being oversensitive do you think?

Phoningliz · 11/06/2019 16:49

Also, your problem is not your boyfriend’s mum, or his stepdad, it’s your boyfriend.

Swellerellamoo · 11/06/2019 16:50

And wow do I wish someone had said that to me and my exh in our late twenties.

Oscarsdaddy · 11/06/2019 17:31

Don’t read too much into it

He’s offering you some fatherly advice and it’s sensible advise at that. You never know what’s round the corner, everyone wants to live happily ever after but sadly that’s not always the case.

Good luck, I hope you will have a happy future together

SusieOwl4 · 11/06/2019 17:38

there are a few people I know that I wish had taken that' advice - especially before having children .

JPratt · 11/06/2019 17:40

This seems like caring advice to me...

NC4Now · 11/06/2019 17:42

A kind and sensible voice of experience. I like the sound of him. He’s got your best intentions at heart.

chattymitchy · 11/06/2019 17:42

That's the sort of message my Dad would have written and he was an absolutely brilliant and fair man. Those kind words remind me very much of him. Take your FIL's advice, it sounds well meaning.

sobby · 11/06/2019 17:43

You mention "partner is buying a house"'rather than a joint venture so do you see yourself as a lodger rather than part owner of the house.
I think the advice is sound, did he email both of you or has your partner received it and sent it to you. Relationships aren't the same anymore and I have also given advice to friends when their partner moves into their own home. Slightly different but still protecting what belongs to you.

If you have been together 5 yrs why would he be buying and not both of you? If you are in a long term relationship I would expect to contribute and be put on the mortgage too unless he is buying outright.

Sacredspace · 11/06/2019 17:44

He’s worried about his son and sugar coating it!