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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
Bellewhitehorses · 11/06/2019 19:46

Words of wisdom so valuable. You may be grateful for them one day.

Easilyflattered · 11/06/2019 19:51

After seeing some of the horrendous divorces that friends have been through, and how money and property has been used by one party to gain leverage over the other, I'd heed his advice. All these couples seemed very in love on their wedding day.

I think it's meant as general advice for major commitments too. If you end up having children together then one of you is likely to take a career hit and become financially more dependent on the other. Your ability to have frank conversations about these issues might be a good indicator of how long your relationship will last.

Mammajay · 11/06/2019 19:53

A loving parent. Cherish him.

miranda1511 · 11/06/2019 19:54

The scenario painted happened to me. Luckily we married a year before splitting up and divorcing otherwise I'd have probably got nothing. To be honest I was so hurt and upset I'd have walked away but my solicitor made me see sense. The house was treated as a matrimonial asset despite him buying in his name only. He told me we'd never have to worry about splitting so my name was never part of the mortgage. You either need to get married or insist on a legal agreement that is fair. Once you are working you should be able to get a mortgage in joint names.

Rtruth · 11/06/2019 19:57

I’d say it’s honest and sensible advice.

Left you both to agree what’s right and wrong and to discuss it between yourselves.

Think it’s they kind of advice you’d hope someone would give.

iano · 11/06/2019 19:59

Op he's done you a favour. Your update just confirms you need to take advice. Marrying some time in the future means nothing. Engagement means nothing.
Time to remove the rose tinted glasses and look at the reality of the situation.

sallyfox · 11/06/2019 20:03

very sensible advice. I'll give the same advice to my daughter and sons, if/when they are in that situation

Poppyfields21 · 11/06/2019 20:07

Incredibly sensible, sound advice from your FIL. You sound like terribly hard work. Myself and many of my friends bought homes with partners prior to marriage and all had simple legal documents drawn up stating the amount we had contributed to the deposit and what was to happen were we to break up and sell the property. In my case we went on to get married and the agreement is therefore irrelevant now, but for one friend it made her break up much less painful as there was no arguing over the house sale.

Poppyfields21 · 11/06/2019 20:08

Should also add that the wording to me comes across very positively. You’re clearly looking for a fight

Elle1234 · 11/06/2019 20:16

It's great advice, take it!! I just bought a house with my partner of 4 years. I have children who aren't his. We chatted at length with the solicitor about all the possibilities and I made sure my interests (and therefore my children's interests) were protected. Any parent would do the same!

Summersunshine2 · 11/06/2019 20:27

Good advice. I'll be telling my DS the same until he has children.
I am with the other posters who do not agree with a 50:50 split just because you are married. That would be to protect future DIL too if she contributes more.
Once you have children though it's a completely diff situation.

Nearly47 · 11/06/2019 20:31

It's not valid only for him. If you share bills and you are indirectly contributing to the mortgage. I.e. He pays the mortgage and you pay all the other bills. You are effectivitly helping him to buy the house and not getting nothing from it. I think it is good advice. Nothing to be offended about unless you believe yourself to be talking financial advantage from your fiancée

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/06/2019 20:31

Whatever your FIL's intentions, he has as pps say, done you a favour. You can now produce this email for discussion with your partner. Because there is one thing your post makes clear - you are supposed to be getting married but your partner wants it all his own way. All his money goes into an investment asset. All your money goes into reducing his living expenses. That is a crazy way to start your life together and it indicates a supreme selfishness on his part. You have a degree/phd and presumably will be able to earn a decent salary - at what point will you both be able to jointly share your assets. You need to get some financial AND relationship advice. and then talk to your partner and see if you both have the same objectives etc because at the moment this doesn't sound like a good start.
In addition, he has a interfering DM who expects him to obey. You already resent this and it will be so much worse when you are married because then she will be dictating your life too unless you discuss this with your fiancee to see how independent he intends to be. Its so much better to get this kind of thing out into the open and communicate with each other now than suffer through it whilst the same patterns of behaviour are enacted over and over again. Good luck.

MadMadaMim · 11/06/2019 20:39

When I read the email, i think how lovely of him to make sure his son takes on board that it will be your home too.

I don't understand how you see this in the way you do. There's obvious more to it.

Also - your DP not spending Christmas with you was not his mother's doing. He's a grown man. He made the choice to abandon you to your grief. And you have your part too. Tell him that Christmas and other holidays will be alternated - you have a family too.

His advice is spot on. Personally, I would get a joint mortgage as you're both going to be paying it. I'd draw up an agreement that takes into account the deposit (I'd calculate that as a percentage of the price paid and state that if and when sold/split assets etc, his profit should be calculated based on the extra he put in) - it's very common. A solicitor will be able to advise and draw up a quick agreement.

With regards to the 'BIL' - why do you care so much? It's doubtful that they have the same scenario.

My final observation - recognise the reality of your relationship dynamics. Nobody is holding a gun to your DP's head. Odnr be annoyed at PILs - you should be annoyed at DP.

FinallyHere · 11/06/2019 20:48

Basically when you marry, you are protected.

Well yes, but they are not married yet. There are so.many.threads on MN where children and together forever are assumed by the woman because ...

It really doesn't matter why it happens, what is important is that it happens. And it does, so so often. The first DC comes along, and then she doesn't want get big day until she has her figure back. But of course they want two quite close in age so there they are a family of four.

She stops mentioning the wedding because he is too busy. She starts wanting marriage more and more while having less and less power in the relationship.

If he is a decent man, all will be well but if he isn't If he starts to think how different his life could be ... all sorts of things could go wrong.

All for the sake of not knowing how the law works and sleep walking into a position of extreme vulnerability. No point saying it won't happen to me. Much better to make sure you do not put yourself into an even more vulnerable position.

Phoningliz · 11/06/2019 20:50

Under current law you are protected, not your fiancé. Basically when you marry...

And that’s the problem.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/06/2019 20:50

OP, don't you want to be a homeowner too?

Palaver1 · 11/06/2019 20:52

Count this as a blessing

Susan1961 · 11/06/2019 21:11

Yes you must consider your security.

user1472151176 · 11/06/2019 21:17

He's looking out for his sons financial safety. I would say it's good advice. Might seem like a kick in the teeth especially as you've been together for 5 years but I don't think it's a rude email

Isaidnomorecrisps · 11/06/2019 21:26

If you’re married it is irrelevant if your name is on the deed or not. I signed a legal agreement when the house was bought stating I owned only 30% of it but law treats you as equal partners when married and the end result in divorce was an even split.

Harls1969 · 11/06/2019 21:28

As a 50 year old parent who has been around the block a few times (including down the aisle thrice!), he speaks a lot of sense. Love and romance are fantastic, but you also need to be practical and sensible. I don't know him so I can't say for sure, but it doesn't sound like he's trying to offend. Good luck

user27495824 · 11/06/2019 21:31

Since he is buying it without you and he copied you into the email, I assume he is trying to protect YOU? Why on earth are you not going on the deeds? Surely you have been doing the PHD while he has been job hunting to increase your chances of having a higher joint income? If you will be paying the mortgage with him then your name should be on the deeds too. My suggestion would be to ring fence the deposit money until you are married or have children. Other than that it is you that is putting yourself at risk here. Not him.

Pawsandnoses · 11/06/2019 21:32

Nobody enters a relationship/marriage anticipating it ending in a financially crippling, contentious divorce, but sometimes that's exactly what happens (speaking from experience). I wish someone had given me this advice 20 years ago as it could potentially saved me some of my sanity and several £k.

Winterlife · 11/06/2019 21:41

There’s nothing wrong with that email. It’s good advice, whether you like it or not. Establish ownership now, while you’re positive and love each other.

The bigger issue here is, if you don’t like your partner’s relationship with his mother, why are you with him? If it bothers you now, it will be ten times worse when you’re married.