What would you think of this email from inlaws?

[LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas]

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

Good advice. Communicate and be aware of implications, so you can take measures to prevent difficult situations (eg may want to keep up a job or small amount of individual savings or have transparency as to each others’ financial situations).

Good on him to say it in such a nice way.

It is a brilliant email and kindly put, and no doubt kindly meant. Take the advice, both you and your DP should think through all scenarios.

The over-involvement of your DP's mother/ inability of your DP to stand up for himself is a different issue to the legal and moral position of things you should consider about moving in. But it is definitely something you should tackle too.

Given how interfering his mother is I'm thinking the email could have been her idea. Especially since he wrote it in a diplomatic way that could be interpreted in different ways

You've had over 20 pages of comments most of which have been highlighting to you that, regardless of how the advice was intended, you really should be following it and making sure you fully understand your legal position.

Yet all you come back with is yet another childish post looking for someone to agree with you that his parents are cunts. You may have a PhD but you really aren't all there.

This is not a FiL, MiL or even a DP problem, it's an OP problem.

Sound advice. We had the same from our in-laws.

We wrote a living together agreement which stated how much money we were each putting in and how much percentage wise we were contributing each month.

We put in a part that said when we get married it will go 50/50 ownership

I agree , think he’s coming from a good place for both of you

It's good advice to both of you. Get a lawyer and ask for their advice just in case things do go wrong one day. If your boyfriend owns the house you are living in, what rights will you have if you split up? If your boyfriend dies, what rights will you have?

Good advice and he’s been open about going it to your both. I’d be more miffed for he’d only emailed your boyfriend.

Whether he sent the same to othe sibling and partner is irrelevant

Don’t turn it into something it’s not

Interesting that people would say they would automatically throw their Dil or sil under a bus if they had too.

Awful. Yes we of course naturally want to protect our blood but personally I hope my DC have life partners or have children with people I can become close too And respect and treat as my family. And I hope in the events of any split esp if my DC had behaved badly I wouldn't just throw the non blood under the bus Just because.

How atrocious. It's easy to see why so many Dil issue's out there with mils

Op. Yes I agree it's good advice.

I'd be very interested to see the reaction however if you both replied thanks for this advice it must have Been difficult to write this email.

We have both sought legal advice And on the back of that and your email decided until we are in a position too marry , op Will put small deposit on house to make sure her name's on deeds too protect her.

He is absolutely right I think that is very sensible advice for you both

Not implying you're a gold digger - just sound advice to BOTH of you. And I expect he did send a similar message to your partner's brother, since he sounds like he just wants the best for all his family.

Well meant and in these circumstances worth listening too.

By the by my dsis had slightly similar situation.
She and her then long term bf had amazing opportunity to buy house. The bf dp gave their son and their daughter deposits. Daughter was already married but only due to immigration reasons.

They sent more stringent hard worded email to their son and laid out all sorts of conditions to protect the money,but nothing at all for their daughter
and her DH.

Ten years later and of course my dsis has long since married bf, they have 3 kid's.. Very happily married and his dsis of course divorced.

The email and protection of their money was underlying distrust and a decade on relations have soured to the point where son barely speaks to his dp and dsis doesn't all.

OP: the key word here is ‘married’ - if you are married and not on the deeds it doesn’t matter in my experience, BUT if you are not married and not on the deeds, you and your children can end up homeless in the event of a separation. You will have no rights to the house, children or not. He can sell the house and evict you and the children.

Very sensible advice. Wants to make sure you are both realistic about what you will or are legally obliged to do if situation falls apart or if something disasterous happens to either of you.

I would say he cares a lot about both of you and wants your relationship to be stress free.

I agree with @CarolsBiggestFan in that you need to protect yourself in this situation. If you are going to be contributing financially to the mortgage and house expenses then you need to have assurances that you will be protected should things go south.
Only you can know if your DP’s parents consider you a “gold digger”. Do his parents treat you with kindness & respect on a regular basis? Have they welcomed you into their family? Or - are they less than kind and respectful...
As an outsider, from the letter alone and trying to put myself in your shoes, I can see this in 2 ways:

1. DP’s parents are concerned for you both and are offering you sound advice.
2. DP’s parents are worried that you will somehow (at some point) take advantage of DP. As an aside, I’m not sure you even ‘could’ take advantage since your name will not be on the deed. Don’t invite trouble. Take this opportunity to PROTECT YOURSELF which is something perhaps DP’s folks didn’t think of if their letter was to alert DP. And NO - don’t concern yourself with DP’s siblings. That’s asking for trouble. Concentrate on DP & you and trust his family until they give you reason not to. Talk to DP, too - tell him your suspicions & then the 2 of you can move forward as a team. PROTECT YOURSELF. Good luck.🍀

Op just read your post re him not spending time with you when your gf died and only going to his families house all the time and he... your partnerchoosing to run things past mum.

Run.a. mile!!

Run run run.

I think it was sensible advice and was worded very well to be honest

You aren’t married, so I think it makes sense

I think he's very kindly pointing out that unless the house is in joint names, or you have a legally binding agreement giving you a share of the value, that in the eventuality of him dying suddenly, or break up of relationship, you would be entitled to nothing, whether you have financially contributed or not. Have that conversation with your boyfriend, from another women who left a relationship with nothing.

It is sound caring parental advise on a tretcherous pre marriage ground coming from a place of genuine care.. & from one understands you never know what is around the corner for either of you.

Something to ponder, If in the future when you are at a similar junction of your life, what would you suggest for your own children...how would you say it differently? Or Would you prefer a pre-nup where your % ownership is less than 50/50 ?
it may help put the email into context.

Hmm. Have I read the OP correctly? I’m wondering what difficulties your DP’s Mum and Dad have had and what ‘financial mess’ needed fixing?? Is he speaking from relevant experience?

Either way OP, spend the money on an hour with a solicitor and get proper advice. Go into this somewhat informed.

As regards DP’s relationship with his mother, I think you need to have an open discussion with DP. This won’t magically settle because you live together. And heed my own mother’s solid caution, you don’t marry the man, you marry the family.

"When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case"

It's not just you splitting up (although this would be messy) it could be death or bankruptcy of the one partner, it is in your interests to be legally protected and have legal wills in place so the other one of you doesn't come homeless if the other dies or looses their shirt. If you really care for one another it may be a difficult discussion but it is the right thing to do.

Don't shoot the messenger, He did not hide this from you and probably agonised over the wording as not to offend either of you.

I have worked in family and property law. This is is incredibly solid advice to both of you. I’ve seen first hand what can happen when things go wrong.

Since I have bitter experience of being the partner bringing all the cash to a house purchase and relationship I applaud this man's concern for his son's future welfare. Since you appear under informed about your own future rights you ought to take his advice and become so.