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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 09/06/2019 23:45

Because i didnt want a life of drudgery.

Because childcare is STILL seen as womens responsibility.

Because i didnt/dont have it in me to be a parent. Im 46 next weekend so too late to change my mind and i wouldnt anyway. Ive known since i was 21 that its not for me.

Bumper1969 · 09/06/2019 23:51

No big desire to. Sort of couldn't see the point. Fear of thankless drudgery. Lived with friends with kids saw the workload. Always seemed a self giving thankless task. Teacher so saw the brutal truth iof some kids lives and couldn't see how I could when the need for existing children is so strong. I've never regretted my decision.

fairynick · 09/06/2019 23:53

Because I hate kids Grin
Also, I hate the thought of loving someone so much that it takes over my life. I am quite selfish, like spending my money on me, and living my my life how I like to. Having children changes people, they love their child more than anything and would die for them, that amount of love would kill me. I know mother's that never get a full night's sleep because of worrying over their children. It's an amazing thing, but I never want to feel so compelled by another person so much, it's far too scary.

Namechange1990x · 09/06/2019 23:54

I’m a bit of a commitment phobe. Not when it comes to living with a partner but when it comes to marriage/kids. Also I find kids really noisy/annoying so I don’t think it’s a good idea for me. That said I’m 29 so might change my mind.

OP why did you want children?

TurboTeddy · 09/06/2019 23:55

Everyone I went to school with seemed to know they wanted children and at 15 knew I didn't. I was always told I'd change my mind but have never felt broody so I thought that was probably a sign I wasn't destined for motherhood. Too late for a change of heart now and I have no regrets.

Iltavilli · 09/06/2019 23:59

I’ve never felt broody, the typical lifestyle my friends with children have is not something that hold any appeal at all (very little travel, constant drudgery, life structured around the children not their own wants or needs).
Caring for the dog can feel too much at times, a child would be far worse.

Original poster
alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:59

Love the honest replies here. I've never understood why it's always assumed that every woman wants a child

I have 1 DC who has changed my life dramatically. I love him to death and wouldn't ever be without him now, but I do miss aspects of my life before I had him. Freedom mainly. Doing whatever I wanted and when I wanted. I'm probably considered very young still though and will still be young when he's an adult. so I will be able to enjoy the things I want to do now without being too old.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 10/06/2019 00:00

Because there's a whole heap of negatives and the drive to have one just isn't strong enough to cancel out the cons. The theory is great, the practical reality is rubbish.

I actually like children. I get on well with them. My friends kids are adorable and I love them to bits.

But I love my mental and physical health, my career, my figure, my bank account, my sleep, my nice things, my travel plans, my sex life, and my free time more than I want one of my own. Not to mention the environmental impact of humans over populating the planet.

I am also an extremely anxious person by nature, which I think would only be exacerbated by having a child to care for.

One day maybe something will click in my brain and I'll suddenly have to have three of them and everything I've listed out above won't matter. Who knows?

But for now, I'm very happy where I am.

Original poster
alfie22 · 10/06/2019 00:00

@Namechange1990x I've know I've wanted a child since I was very young. I couldn't picture my life without one and couldn't wait until I could have one

OP posts:
Original poster
alfie22 · 10/06/2019 00:02

@fairynick I was like you before I had my son. I was selfish and didn't want to divide my time looking after somebody else.

That was hard to adjust to when I had him. It really is all consuming and your life revolves around caring for them

OP posts:
MrsBobBlackadder · 10/06/2019 00:07

I've never wanted children; now in my 40s (been with husband for a decade) and I still don't. I hate the noise of children and have a lovely life that I wouldn't want to give up for anything. I (we) can spend money on whatever we want; eat when we want; get up at 11am if we want; choose on a Thursday afternoon to go away for the weekend the following day with no having to book a family hotel room... I appreciate those aren't a priority for everyone, but they suit us brilliantly Smile

Original poster
alfie22 · 10/06/2019 00:08

@MrsBobBlackadder god yes I miss my lie ins! Sad haha

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 10/06/2019 00:09

Because I thought I would be very bad at it, and had other priorities. No regrets at all.

Original poster
alfie22 · 10/06/2019 00:11

@bridgetreilly what made you think you'd be bad at it? I thought I would too.

Totally freaked out and was asking my DM lots of questions on how to do this and that. It sounds cliche but it came very natural! It is weird considering I'd never been around babies that often

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 10/06/2019 00:13

I was told very young that I’d be unlikely to have children and then went through the next 15 years saying I didn’t want kids. I think it was easier that way. Until of course I acknowledged I did want them! My sister on the other hand has never wanted any and still doesn’t and won’t be having any now. She’s amazing with my kids and loves them but just doesn’t want her own.

That’s really sad that you feel that way OP. Just be careful that your child never picks up on it. My DH’s mum had him very young and he was always aware of her resenting him on some level for her lost youth. My mum wasn’t very young but had never had a carefree youth, and it became very clear once we reached our teens that she resented us for it. These were definitely factors in me not having kids until I was in my mid 30s, unfortunately my mum had passed away by then.

greenlloon · 10/06/2019 00:14

because im a feminist

Luaa · 10/06/2019 00:16

I have children so cant answer this, but I find it funny how people are expected to explain why they don't want children, but no one asks parents why they decided to.

I wish it was more accepted that some people don't want children, because to be honest, I never questioned it myself. I had children because that is what society tells us to do and I never really stopped and considered not having children as an option.

Original poster
alfie22 · 10/06/2019 00:18

@SinkGirl I definitely won't let my DC pick up on it, it was my choice to have him at this age. To be fair I was a bit of a wild child for a few years anyway and I got sick of it. I didn't feel like I had a purpose back then, I just lived for the weekend! So I feel I have done all of that in that sense.

My DPs mum also had her kids very young. She always saying how she hated staying in all those years raising the DCs. I don't think those kinds of feelings should be said out loud in front of your kids

OP posts:
violapansy · 10/06/2019 00:18

We got a cat this year and I've been a nervous wreck ever since, worrying daily about the imaginary health problems the cat might have. Can only imagine my neurosis if it was my child.

I always thought I wanted children, but now I'm not sure my mental health will allow it. The thought of bringing a child into the world that I might accidentally project my own issues onto breaks my heart.

Pasithea · 10/06/2019 00:18

I can’t see this world surviving global warming etc. I dont want to contribute to that b

WelcomeToGreenvale · 10/06/2019 00:21

I work with them.

I love my job and I also love giving them back at the end of the day. I've changed more nappies than some parents, dealt with the behaviour that mummy doesn't see at home; I know how to calm anxiety and stimulate the understimulated. I can have endless conversations with three-year-olds about absolutely nothing. I can whip up an exciting activity with less than a minute's notice and I regularly get nursery rhymes stuck in my head for how much I've sung them in a day.

And when I get home I'm useless for the rest of the evening. I just don't think I'm capable of doing that 24/7.

Plus I'm not sure I'd ever be able to choose a baby name. Just about every name I can go "oh no, I knew a kid called that and they were particularly challenging"...

thecatneuterer · 10/06/2019 00:21

Because I don't like them. Because it's never really occurred to me as being something I might want to do. Because I can only see the drudgery, the lack of freedom, the time commitment, the money ... and I can't see any positives whatsoever.

Original poster
alfie22 · 10/06/2019 00:22

@violapansy yeah I get you. I am a very anxious person and this has only heightened since having my son

OP posts:
Femodene · 10/06/2019 00:22

I can’t stand children or parents and actively avoid them in day to day life

Hate noise, faeces, germs, drudgery

My genes are trash and will die with me

The planet is catastrophically fucked and any humans bred now will have horrific futures.

I cherish my family of choice, money, time and quietness.

I’m not selfish enough to force someone into existence

‘What ifs’ like ...what if I had forced someone into 8 decades of existence on a dying planet
What if I could make that person act as a nurse for me when I’m dying
What if I could damage my body and risk my life by adding to the hundreds of thousands of humans bred every single day
What if I missed out out having someone smaller than me sometimes smile at me

Nah. 😂🥂

BadLad · 10/06/2019 00:24

They're expensive, they're a massive responsibilty, they're a massive time-sink, they stop people planning the days, holidays, houses etc that they would otherwise choose, they're horrible little shits in certain phases (toddler, early teens), I can't be arsed with school run, helping with homework, party bags, soft play etc, and the positives don't seem like positives at all to me.