I also agree with the PPs saying that the positives people talk about don’t seem like positives. So you have an overwhelming sense of love - that’s great, I would hope so, but I also feel overwhelming love for people in my life, and the people I love aren’t an endless drain on my emotional, financial and physical resources. And I am sure it’s absolutely lovely to be told by your child that they love you - but that’s because it makes all the stress and sleep-deprivation and sacrifice worthwhile. If you aren’t having to deal with those negatives in the first place, it doesn’t sound like that great a benefit.
But it isn’t the same thing, speaking as someone who spent a long time not wanting children, then not being certain enough to actively try for them, then having two at once.
I think the difficulty is that the negatives are tangible things we’ve all experienced to an extent without kids - lack of sleep, lack of disposable income, not being able to go and do what you want when you want for other reasons (restrictive work hours, having a pet, etc etc), high levels of stress and responsibility, etc. When you have kids you realise that those things are much more intense when you have kids than you understood previously.
But the positives are harder to imagine because they’re mostly based on how you feel, and it’s very difficult to imagine feelings you haven’t had. Yes, I felt overwhelming love before I had my children, and actually I didn’t feel overwhelming love for them at first - mainly I felt fear and anxiety, but we had a tough start! It’s more than just love, it is a unique emotion, and unique to each person too. I love my DH and some of my family and friends, but it isn’t the same.
My life is infinitely more difficult than it was before I had children, there’s no doubt about it. I wasn’t expecting to have two at once, I definitely wasn’t expecting for them both to have disabilities, I figured I’d be able to go back to work after a year when actually I’m struggling to work even very part time and they’re nearly 3. They need a lot of therapies and hospital appointments and the mental load of juggling all that and their additional needs is overwhelming at times.
Even so, the absolute positives completely outweigh the negatives for me. I wouldn’t go back even if I could. Explaining those positives is very difficult, however.
Some of the assumptions made here about why people have children are pretty vile. I didn’t do it because I wanted to replicate myself, or have someone to care for me. I changed my mind after my mum passed away. She had cancer, we hadn’t had a great relationship before that, but in her last 18 months we built the most fantastic relationship. I sat with her in the hospice and she told me that having us was the only thing in her life that she absolutely knew was the right thing. I looked at my life - I was happily married, had a good career, I’d travelled a lot, done lots of things I wouldn’t be able to do with children but I had a flash of being 30 years older and having done nothing more than those things and it just didn’t feel right.
I would never speak about people who choose not to have children the way parents are spoken about here. I find it interesting that to some people it’s shallow to want to procreate, but not to want to continue having luxuries. I find it strange that people go on about how irresponsible it is to have children on an environmental basis yet give reasons such as loving to travel and continue consuming as much as possible. It’s odd.
Everyone is entitled to make this decision for themselves, and they should do. No one should have children if they’re not 100% sure they want them - you can end up in a very different situation than you imagined. There’s absolutely no need to trash other people for making different choices - I would never do that to my loved ones and friends who are childfree.