To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

[alfie22]

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

I’m 🙄 at the idea not having kids is selfish but having them is altruistic. I’m What way is having kids not selfish? In a biological sense it’s the epitome of selfishness.

Equally, why do you assume that people who say this haven’t experienced the kind of love you’re talking about but believe that the relationship with, and feelings they have for, their children are different?

That's exactly my point - how can anyone know what the depth of someone else's feelings are? People say they have a different relationship with their children - fine, an outsider must take that at face-value - but how can they know what sort of relationships other people have, whether with children or not? They are assuming that what they have with their children is deeper than any relationship anyone else can have with anyone else.

I didn't want to have children til I met my husband, basically because every single guy I met and knew would be a shit, lazy father and I had no interest in doing everything myself.

I also had a shite childhood which left me unsure whether I'd be a good mother.

Nah... this site is for everyone, and was just misnamed when it was launched IMO

Most people don't give a shite about breastfeeding wars or school lunch ideas

I'm a mother but I'd say fewer than 10% of my posts are anything to do with my hapless offspring. Mostly here to have a bit of chitchat and cause trouble

"'but it's not all about parenting, there's the feminism/book/politics section, it's a place where women can talk and share ideas"'

Absolutely

Who gives a chuff it was set up by 'mothers'

Quite refreshing I think to have women 'debating' regardless of their choice of parenting.

My best friend doesn't want kids. She's not interested in children and just loves her life without kids. I completely understand why someone wouldn't want them.

I don’t see any positives in having children, the noise, the mess, the constant ‘look at me mummy’ the whole thing from how/what to feed them to schools, parties, bullying, drugs, teenage pregnancies, exam results etc etc, why would you sign up for all that?

I can't remember when I stopped saying that I was too young to have children and started saying that I was too old for it.

In my lifetime, there have always been plenty of children around so I have been happy to get on with things that are more interesting to me.

I wanted lots of children but only had one because I couldn't afford any more as a single mum and never mt a man who would be a great role model for more children.
I don't want any children of mine brought up by a man who is anything but a great dad and a great example to the children.
I despair such a man exists - well my son is such a man but he doesn't want any hildren of his own.

Doobigetta this is a thread on a parenting forum. No one’s asking you personally to reply and there are loads of ‘why did you have children’ threads. People are always going to want to know why people make different life choices and having / not having kids is a pretty big and interesting one.

I’ve never wanted any, and that’s about it really. If I set myself against people who do, I clearly don’t share the same feelings or desires.

And if anyone asks why I’m here, it’s because I like to read threads like this now and again because I don’t know many other people like me IRL. I can’t think of anywhere people are going to talk about the experience of parenting other than on a parenting forum.

It is not a lifestyle that has ever appealed to me, far to much pressure, too expensive, my parents did not enjoy having kids and my father was treated horribly by one of his when he was old and ill.

The planet is being destroyed by the massive human population, elephants, birds, all animal being killed. Humans are an ape that got too clever, but not clever enough not to destroy itself and take the rest with it.

"the noise, the mess, the constant ‘look at me mummy’ the whole thing from how/what to feed them to schools, parties, bullying, drugs, teenage pregnancies, exam results etc etc, why would you sign up for all that?"

Because it's not just about the shite moments, it obviously has great moments too.

It's like saying 'why be with a man who's just going to steal the duvet, potentially cheat, hog the bathroom, snore, go out drinking on your anniversary watch football all Saturday etc etc."

If people don't want kids, that's understandable, but sometimes I do feel like the childfree like to talk down to the parents as if our lives are just a big heap of boring shite when it's not like that at all.

Since I was a child myself I’ve always thought that motherhood looked like a bag of shit. I can only see the downside of it - physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and romantically. There are posts on here day in day out that bear this out. I don’t like being around babies and children. There’s nothing so special about me that I need to pass on my genes. I’m 47 and delighted to be childless, there are no what ifs.

I hate noise, I'm extremely selfish with my time and space, I'm 94% introverted (so the test said) and the thought of somebody relying on me that much suffocates the living daylights out of me.

People say they have a different relationship with their children - fine, an outsider must take that at face-value - but how can they know what sort of relationships other people have, whether with children or not? They are assuming that what they have with their children is deeper than any relationship anyone else can have with anyone else.

Sure, but you must concur that the only people who know what it’s like to have relationships with their children and with others are parents, so they may be more able to comment? And that if this is something that comes up frequently, it’s probably not just a few weird emotionally bankrupt weirdos who can only form real bonds with their own progeny?

I have felt overwhelming love for many people in my life, but it is not the same type of relationship. It cannot be, because any other human who’s entirely reliant on you for everything would mean quite an unhealthy relationship!

Did I inwardly roll my eyes when people made these comments before I had kids? Probably.
Were they right? Yes.

@Handbag101
I’m 47, great figure young looking pretty face.
Go on family holidays plus have breaks with just DH.
Not mortgage free but relatively small considering we have a large four bedroom house plus work just fifteen hours at a worthwhile though stressful profession.
Also have two bright beautiful children.
I realise I’m lucky but just as not all parents have our lifestyle lots child of free woman are also not slim or manage lots of holidays.
Everyone’s experience is different.

I've never considered having children. The thought of being pregnant makes me freak out. I lead a very fulfilling life full of love, just not with a child of my own. I would never have a child just so I fit in with societies expectations, or so someone can look after me when I get old. I am not a maternal person at all, don't find children interesting or cute, just annoying.

*I am genuinely confused why some parents can't accept the reasons someone gives for being childfree and come onto these threads to dismiss the justifications.

It's as if us childfree people have to sanitise our decisions as to not upset the parents hmm*

I’m genuinely confused that anyone could read this thread of people talking about mothers like their lives are a steaming pile of shit, and come away with this conclusion. Confirmation bias in action.

Like @strawberriesandrosepetals, I am currently pregnant after spending most of my adult life so far not really wanting children & not being sure whether it was a good idea. I do not have a yearning for children, just a bit of a panic that I might one day regret not having any, & all of the reasons in this thread from happily childfree posters do still all apply to me. We certainly don’t need more people on the planet, & I don’t have anything special to offer as a parent. Reading this thread has made me feel really stressed!

I have two children that I adore. Both very planned.
However, I don't think I'm at all maternal (except towards my own offspring). Obviously, I'm kind to other children (and generally they like me, misguided creatures) but I'm not someone who wants to cuddle other people's babies (they smell "wrong") or wants to have long conversations about children. Never played with baby dolls as a child.
If we couldn't have had children I really don't think (I suppose you can never know) we would have gone down the route of IVF or adoption. I do know that I didn't have much connection to my babies before they were born and - again I think - would have seen a miscarriage as, at best, nature taking its course with an unviable foetus, and, at worst, an inconvenience. I do realise that for many, many people it's a tragedy and I don't mean to minimise that one iota. Just saying how it was for me.
I was very lucky because, as soon as they were born, something (hormones? Relief at cessation of pain?) kicked in and I adored them; truly, love at first sight. In fact, I was relieved to know that happened with the first, as with the second I still didn't have that "connection" before they were born.
I'm now aware I may soon have grandchildren but, if DC's don't want them, it wouldn't bother me. If they do, I'm sure I'll love them because they're part of my children.
I'm also glad that I had my children before my friends and family did; despite going on about how much they loved them and the special connection and lovely cuddles etc etc, they made it look like life became totally taken over by baby conversation, equipment and routines. I think it could well have put us off the whole idea.
I adore my children and, yes, love them more than anything in the world (including myself). I'm sure nearly all other parents feel the same. But, if I hadn't already "met" them, I don't think I would have felt the lack and would have enjoyed the extra freedom and money for eg gorgeous holidays.
I don't/didn't feel the need to bore on about them to other people (except their father, who was equally besotted but had the same opinions as I did).
Hearing about how wonderful it is to hear them telling you "I love you, mummy" would have made me feel just as queasy as hearing about somebody's OH snuggling up to them and cooing words of love and I know it wouldn't make think, "Must get me one of those!".

I don't mean any of that's wrong. Just trying to make the point that for some people (can't be just me and DC's father.... can it ?) children are an optional extra. Nice* if they happen, but not a huge defining thing that has to be a "definitely want" or "definitely don't want".

*Yes, okay, more than nice, as it turned out. Maybe I was jolly lucky there and I'm sure some will think I should never have got pregnant if I wasn't gripped with baby fever.

"*I am genuinely confused why some parents can't accept the reasons someone gives for being childfree and come onto these threads to dismiss the justifications.

It's as if us childfree people have to sanitise our decisions as to not upset the parents hmm*"

It's a discussion forum. People will discuss things.

I haven't seen anyone say 'you are missing out' or 'you are wrong'. People say stuff like 'children are messy and stinky', well, yes, they are, but they're also funny and playful. If it's not for you, that's totally fine, but when someone implies that my life must be boring and crap and middle of the road because I have kids, of course I'm going to defend myself, because it's just not true.

• Never ever had a maternal urge.

• I struggled with depression and suicidal feelings for many years and am finally in a better place. I'm really worried I would suffer from PND and I don't think I could go through something like that again.

• I'm not interested in the day to day elements of having kids. The school runs, homework, tantrums, getting rid of nits, etc etc.

• I'm not even interested in the parts of parenthood people enjoy. For example, the 'snuggles' in bed and bedtime stories are so unappealing to me.

• Pregnancy sounds horrific and I don't want to put myself through that for something I'm not interested in.

• The thought of something growing inside me makes me feel ill.

• I don't want to be committed to something for the rest of my life.

• I love my current lifestyle and relationship.

• As other posters have said, parenting and childcare tend to fall on women and I would hate that.

• I don't find baby or toddlers cute. I just find them messy and irritating, if I'm being honest.

• Also, I relate it to real life experiences. My step-sister has a 3-year-old. She's always complaining that she's tired, broke, her DH isn't pulling his weight, her daughter is being difficult etc. Hearing things like that when I already don't feel interested in children confirms it to me that this isn't the lifestyle I want.

I don't hate parents and I have nothing against people who have children. I'm happy for them. It's just something that I don't want for myself. I feel like people often ask childfree people why they don't want children and then get offended at their reasoning (which I have seen happening on this post). People are different and life would be boring if we were all the same.

Also, please don't ever tell childfree people that they have no purpose in life if they don't have children. That is REALLY damaging.

@OccasionalNachos

X-posted. Maybe you may find some of my post reassuring? Hope so.
Very best of luck with your pregnancy and birth

Some posts on here are very sneery and patronising against mothers.

Doobigetta I agree. I suspect soon we will be asked why we are on mumsnet

To which the only reasonable response is BINGO!

I’m 45, blissfully single & simply never had the urge to have kids. I get intellectually that other people want them but none of the reasons resonate with me - the ‘good bits’ hold no more attraction for me than the ‘bad bits’.