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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:
motherheroic · 10/06/2019 08:06

@OccasionalNachos It would have been better to regret not having children, rather than getting pregnant and hoping you don't regret it.

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 08:07

I am not maternal

Accidental pregnancy which I almost terminated, but last minute bottled out as DP convinced me to have dc.

Adore her BTW

But

Never really wanted Children. Not slightly interested in anyone else's. Even family.

Pregnancy was vile. Chose ELCS as much medical intervention as possible. Chose not to BF. Routine from day one to help me through.

Dd is a dream dc.

But I remember attempting a baby group and thinking I'd rather stick pins in my eyes, it was awful.

Can't stand any form of baby talk.

Often on MN I feel much more of an affinity to childfree women.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 10/06/2019 08:09

Also, please don't ever tell childfree people that they have no purpose in life if they don't have children. That is REALLY damaging.

All it actually means is that the poster has no purpose in life except having children, so they’re then projecting that onto us.

Vicksonsocks · 10/06/2019 08:11

I suppose that bingo was at me. Fair enough. I don't care if people want to remain child free, most of my friends are, and for very good reasons. Not of them are as full of loathing for parents/children as some of the posters on this thread though. There's a real visceral disgust in some of these posts. If that's how you feel, then that's how you feel, but I find it strange that people who actively dislike children and all that goes with the rasing of them would spend time on a forum that, while diverse, is primarily aimed at mothers and has a wealth of pictures/links/articles/posts on each page, referencing the very thing they profess to despise. Odd.

It's one thing being childfree, not having a huge issue with people who choose otherwise, and hopping on to style and beauty for half an hour, but if, for instance, I hated tarantulas, I wouldn't go on a tarantula forum because they have a really great off topic section

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 08:14

"'but it's not all about parenting, there's the feminism/book/politics section, it's a place where women can talk and share ideas"'

The app doesn't Thank Goodness

I see none of the pictures, links which you describe.

I've also not read any posts on thread full of 'loathing' at all.

Very strong words.

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 08:15

'is primarily aimed at mothers and has a wealth of pictures/links/articles/posts on each page, referencing the very thing they profess to despise. Odd'

This is what I meant to copy

Celebelly · 10/06/2019 08:16

I didn't want kids until the last couple of years and was quite adamant about it. I can't really articulate why I changed my mind. It wasn't broodiness particularly as if it weren't for my age I would happily have waited a few more years. It just felt like we were meant to be a family of three.

I don't particularly like other people's children, but that doesn't really have any bearing on how much I enjoy my own DD. She's not like all the others Grin We are just having one, though, as neither of us want a noisy chaotic living environment or our lifestyle being overly limited.

MarthasGinYard · 10/06/2019 08:16

'Loathe' 'despise'

Very strong words

Neron · 10/06/2019 08:16

Pregnancy repulses me

I don't like and have little time for children

Happy with my life, doing what DH like when we like

WhoAteMyNuts · 10/06/2019 08:18

but when someone implies that my life must be boring and crap and middle of the road because I have kids, of course I'm going to defend myself, because it's just not true.

But reading this thread when people say they don't want children because of this or that it means that they would find it that way or they look at that life and think 'no thanks'.

Clearly lots of parents (and people who can't have children but want them) find it fulfilling because they jump over hurdles to try and have them. But it doesn't mean that your life, just because you love it, is one someone else would want for themselves.

Zfactorstar · 10/06/2019 08:19

It didn't take very long for a post specifically targeted twords childfree women to get mommyjacked by mothers who just have to jump into the conversation to rave about their kids.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 10/06/2019 08:20

"But reading this thread when people say they don't want children because of this or that it means that they would find it that way or they look at that life and think 'no thanks'."

Sure, and I don't see anyone saying that they should change their mind or that they're wrong.

It's a problem of language.

You can say 'it's not for me' or you can say 'it's shit and boring.' You can even say 'for me, it would be shit and boring'. But yeah, it really depends how you phrase stuff, I think.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 10/06/2019 08:20

zfactor

where is anyone doing that?

Costacoffeeplease · 10/06/2019 08:21

It's like saying 'why be with a man who's just going to steal the duvet, potentially cheat, hog the bathroom, snore, go out drinking on your anniversary watch football all Saturday etc etc."

Is it? Confused

if, for instance, I hated tarantulas, I wouldn't go on a tarantula forum because they have a really great off topic section

10/10 for imagination, it’s normally motorbikes or something equally irrelevant

It’s extremely easy to use Mumsnet and never come across the parenting section, just don’t go onto those boards, there’s so much else to discuss from politics to TV, style and beauty, weather, general chat, AIBU, cats, dogs, health, mental health - you don’t have to be a parent to find these subjects interesting

chanderl · 10/06/2019 08:22

Being a mother doesn't automatically mean a life of drudgery! That's such a short sighted view!

Having a child has meant I actually do more with my life, I get up earlier, achieve stuff, go out more, move more, generally function better. My son has made me a less lazy and more productive person without doubt.

Not having children still means drudgery, everyone has to wash, wash clothes, brush their teeth etc.

DaphneBlake101 · 10/06/2019 08:22

@Writersblock2 exactly - how is making a choice to impose your biological copies on the world classed as benevolent but deciding to limit your impact on the planet to your own lifetime classed as selfish?! In my opinion, there is nothing more selfish than choosing to have children. I absolutely support people's right to decide to have children but don't pretend you're being selfless.

I'm actually incredibly maternal - I love children and they tend to love being with me. But it's so important people, especially women, realise that having children is a choice and they should really weigh up the pros and cons as you would any life changing decision. I've seen people spend longer deciding what to wear for a special occasion than on whether they are in the right place in their life to procreate.

booksandcaffeine · 10/06/2019 08:25

I don't want children as I'm not maternal in the slightest and there's no desire to have them.

DesMartinsPetCat · 10/06/2019 08:25

I just never felt there was anything missing.

Mumofone1593 · 10/06/2019 08:26

I am loving all these responses. Honestly life is so taken over by one I am glad now I am not having any more! My best friend has medical conditions and doesn't want children as can't be off the drugs. I am ready for my son to not see me at Christmas and me and my husband to go abroad at Christmas/holidays like the people in the movie 'four Christmass'. Kids aren't everything and alot of happiness in my life comes from nature/ seeing friends. I have a 1.5 year old and I'd say 50 percent of my happiness comes from what he does but I can't see when people say kids are everything.

DerelictWreck · 10/06/2019 08:27

Because:

  • I don't want my body to be taken over by a little alien
  • I don't want to give birth
  • I don't want my vag to prolapse or be torn apart or my abs split
  • I don't want to be vommed on, screamed at, shat all over
  • I don't want to be sticky all the time
  • I don't want my house to be sticky all the time
  • I don't want to be stressed and worried
  • I don't want to wake up all through the night
  • I don't want to get up at 4 am because 'they're just an early riser'
  • I don't want to say 'because I said so' until my teeth ache
  • I don't want to deal with school gate cliques and classroom bullies
  • I don't want to stress about whole class parties
  • I don't want to be judged for working and judged for not
  • I don't want to become "MUMMMMMMMY" rather than me.

Just because Grin

chanderl · 10/06/2019 08:27

@Mumofone1593 where would you leave your son when you're away for Christmas?

How odd.

ginghamtablecloths · 10/06/2019 08:29

Lots of reasons not to have children:

  1. Getting fat and having no control over my body repels me
  2. Giving birth and its aftermath terrifies me
  3. Responsibility for another human being is too much
  4. Being judged by others for not doing things 'their way'
  5. Having to adhere to timetables again - I had quite enough of that as a child, thank you very much
  6. If your child grows up to become a psychopath, simply unhappy or can't cope with life it's always poor old mum who gets the blame
  7. Goodbye to peace and quiet - I can't stand noise and chaos - no time to myself would drive me insane
  8. I think I have a cruel streak inside and I don't want it to come out
  9. I felt unhappy/unloved during my own childhood - why should I inflict it on anyone else?
I think that's enough to be going on with.
toria658 · 10/06/2019 08:29

I take parenthood seriously and know I would have been a bloody dreadful parent who would have screwed up any child borne to me. So much so, in my early twenties when accidentally pregnant I gave my son up for adoption and have not regretted my decision. I fought social services because they initially refused to place him for adoption, doubting my word and view as a stable 21 year old! The adoptive parents were amazing and yes I met them. Both they and (their) son thrived despite the unusual circumstances.

I feel parenthood is such a huge and overwhelming job. I am a senior leader in a school and enjoy daily contact with children, young adults and their parents. I do not enjoy watching harassed parents crying in my office due to massive financial, social and familial issues. Total respect to (most) parents.

Parenthood is just not a role I felt I could fulfil properly in order to create a happy and well rounded childhood which would lead to a happy and well rounded adult.

LakieLady · 10/06/2019 08:30

My only reason for not having children was that I never had the desire to. And it's a bit drastic to give it a try and see if you like it!

Even as a small child, I only ever wanted to live in the country and have dogs. Despite having no maternal feelings whatsoever, I'd cross 6 lanes of busy dual carriageway to say hello to a nice puppy.

I like children well enough, but have never wanted one of my own.

chanderl · 10/06/2019 08:32

Ok I'll bite.

*Because:

  • I don't want my body to be taken over by a little alien*
It's not an alien. It's a baby and a very natural thing to do. This makes you sound immature. - I don't want to give birth I don't know anyone who actually wants to give birth - I don't want my vag to prolapse or be torn apart or my abs split You can have a c section and not everyone prolapses from a vaginal birth - I don't want to be vommed on, screamed at, shat all over Fair point but it's not forever and actually isn't as bad as it sounds - I don't want to be sticky all the time What? - I don't want my house to be sticky all the time What? My house isn't sticky, probably because I clean it. - I don't want to be stressed and worried Fair point. However people without children are also stressed and worried. - I don't want to wake up all through the night This is temporary - I don't want to get up at 4 am because 'they're just an early riser' This isn't a thing if sleep and bedtimes are dealt with properly - I don't want to say 'because I said so' until my teeth ache You literally don't have to say that ever. *- I don't want to deal with school gate cliques and classroom bullies
  • I don't want to stress about whole class parties*
You don't have to have them - I don't want to be judged for working and judged for not This is a fair point because it really does happen. I've decided to stay at home and I don't give a toss what anyone else thinks - I don't want to become "MUMMMMMMMY" rather than me. It's a wonderful thing being called Mummy. It's just awesome
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