Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you didn't/don't want children?

959 replies

alfie22 · 09/06/2019 23:42

I'm in no way judging anybody who have decided not to have DCs.

But I am genuinely intrigued for the reasons why after reading a thread about somebody's DD not wanting children.

What are your reasons for not having children? Would there any be "what ifs" further down the line?

OP posts:
Original poster
alfie22 · 10/06/2019 00:25

agree you have to be a certain type of person to want kids

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldandback · 10/06/2019 00:27

I never felt desperate to have kids for lots of the above reasons but ended up having two. They are at uni now so dh and I have our freedom back and young enough to enjoy it. When they come back for holidays it’s lovely- then lovely to wave them off again!

Time40 · 10/06/2019 00:30

Because I find the noise and demands of young children very, very, very tedious and extremely stressful.

Because society insists on seeing children as a woman's work, and I thought that however great any man I ended up with was, things would never be totally equal (as they should be), and ultimate responsibility would rest with me - and that wasn't something I was prepared to accept.

Because it looked like too much boring hard work.

I regret not having children - if I'd been a man, I would have loved some. If I'd been an old-style aristocrat, and I could have handed them over to the nanny and seen them in the drawing-room for an hour every evening, I would have gone for it ... but as life is, it would just have been too hard.

S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 00:34

I never ever wanted children and never felt that maternal yearning for them. I ended up with four children from other people that wanted to play at being parents, but ended up putting their own needs before those of their children. ‘My’ children all came to me as young teens, because they were related to me, had no one else and their lives wouldn’t have been a disaster without my husband and I. I adore the four of them and can’t imagine being without them, but at the same time I really really resent their parents for making me take on the responsibility of parenthood when that wasn’t my plan. My DH I worked our fingers to the bones, went without money and time for each other for years, before I lost him to cancer. I resent the parents, but not the children and they will NEVER know how I feel.

I morn the past that I wasn’t given the chance to have and I morn the time I lost with my husband. It’s a weird situation to be in, as I could never ever give them up now and they do enrich my life, but that doesn’t mean I still would have liked a chance to chose.

Namechange1990x · 10/06/2019 00:35

Also I do think in the state the world is in right now with what’s ahead re climate change it would be quite selfish to reproduce. Also AI is going to take over a vast amount of jobs in the future so that’s another concern.

S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 00:35

would have been a disaster

handbaghoarderr · 10/06/2019 00:56

Because I couldn't spend as much money on luxuries. As simple as that.

IVflytrap · 10/06/2019 00:57

I don't earn enough, and can't see myself managing to earn even close to what's needed to give a child a good upbringing, before my fertility runs out. It's one of the great pains of my life, really, and I don't know how I'm going to make the next few decades meaningful without the chiIdren I imagined I'd have. It's not like I have the means to go travelling or participate in the kind of hobbies or social life people expect of the childless/childfree.

Iwantdoesntget · 10/06/2019 00:58

@greenlloon - because you’re a feminist? What kind of response is that to not having kids? You’re perpetuating misogynistic views on procreating by making it a woman’s ‘issue’.

Pringlefan · 10/06/2019 00:59

I don’t want my life to be completely taken over. Seems to me that parenting is a job you have to give everything to, or live a life of guilt and doubt over whether you did well enough by the kids. At least knowing my personality, that’s how I’d be. I’m a raging perfectionist, and I’m ambitious- I don’t think that’s very compatible with healthy childrearing, I’d be a competitive mum, living through my kids, and beating myself up every time anything went wrong. No thank you!

Also though, more than selfishness, I’m just grateful for this life of mine, my parents sacrificed a lot to give me life and poured so much love and care into raising me. I am unique (as we all are) and I just feel a responsibility to contribute l as much as I can personally to society and the world, and to experience and enjoy life as much as I can. Life is such a gift! I want to write, to reaearch, to campaign for causes I believe in, devote myself to my career in public service, volunteer, travel, develop my own talents and creativity... why would I give this up to devote/enslave myself physically and emotionally by bringing more humans into this already overpopulated world?
I understand some people find a huge sense of purpose and meaning in raising children, but it’s not right for me.

Duck90 · 10/06/2019 01:01

1990x

I agree, but the advancement of computers has already taken over jobs. The need for the human workforce is lessoning at a huge rate.

There will be always a need for care workers, and we all know how well paid that is (a worthy job, but keeps people on minimum wage).

stressystressy · 10/06/2019 01:01

I realised that my motivation for wanting children when I was young stemmed from a fairytale illusion of a baby being the biggest expression of love between two people. Thankfully I woke up.

Now I work with children and see the reality of the day to day and know that it's not for me. I love children and empathise with them, but the responsibility of being a parent is massive. Many, many children are born to parents who had them to satisfy a selfish urge. No thanks.

WaitrosePigeon · 10/06/2019 01:03

People hate children Hmm

19lottie82 · 10/06/2019 01:06

Because I’m too selfish. I like to lie in, I like to come home from work and lie on the sofa, I like to enjoy relaxing long haul holidays, I like to go out with my friends to the pub on a Friday night......... and so on.

There was always a niggling worry that I should want kids, but at the end of the day, I don’t. The final nail in the coffin was when my cat was sick in my bed in the middle of the night last year. I had to get up, change the sheets and have a shower. No way could I deal with that again Shock

Pringlefan · 10/06/2019 01:07

Also: fyi I love children and work with them daily Grin

I just don’t want my own!

Uupumus · 10/06/2019 01:10

people not wanting kids are selfish, but not in a bad way. they have a life they like, why ruin it with a kid that takes over your life and your money. espically when there are already so many kids, why add to the problem.

personally my wanting kids stems from someone to look after the wife when im gone.

greenlloon · 10/06/2019 01:15

because you’re a feminist? What kind of response is that to not having kids? You’re perpetuating misogynistic views on procreating by making it a woman’s ‘issue’ the exact opposite actually feminism is not a womens issue. you can be male and a feminist and not want children

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 10/06/2019 01:15

Because the fear of having kids & later regretting it is infinitely greater than the fear of not having kids & later regretting it.

SuntanC · 10/06/2019 01:16

Just never had a maternal bone in my body. I don't hate children- in fact, have great relationships with my friends' children, but it's too much responsibility for me. I love chilled holidays and doing things spontaneously. I'm not prepared to go out to work to keep another person- that's for treats for me 😁 hats off to all you parents - I do not know how you do it. You must be knackered!

jaffacakeany1 · 10/06/2019 01:19

I never wanted children until I met my dh when I was 30 (he was 21) I felt I'd be being selfish to not give him a child... never regretted it, got dd16 and ds13 and happy with my lot but don't think I'd feel I'd missed out if I hadn't had children. They cost a flipping fortune, but also give you joy 😂

Duck90 · 10/06/2019 01:20

There is no guarantee that they will look after “the wife” . The kids may emigrate to Australia and send “the wife” cards on her birthday as a token gesture and obviously Skype calls at Christmas.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/06/2019 01:22

I didn't want any - feared childbirth, loved my life how it was, didn't have the yearning. DH talked me round and we have DD. Wouldn't change her.

It does help that by some weird coincidence I got the world's best child. Grin

strawberriesandrosepetals · 10/06/2019 01:27

I am currently expecting but have always wondered and do still keep wondering what is the actual point of having children? In practical terms it's someone to leave our property to but I can't think of anything else.

I got to the classic biological clock ticking now or never stage and I'm sure I will love the child but I can't help feeling selfish in deciding to have one (and it really will be only one) as I think overpopulation is a far bigger issue than climate change. I feel very guilty about adding to the problem.

I don't think people should be considered selfish for not wanting children, quite the opposite.

I agree there is a lot of pressure too from friends and family and I have been on the receiving end of that for 20 years. It was incredibly upsetting and still is as they each believe the pressure they brought to bear is the reason I am now pregnant and are patting themselves on the backs. I can't bear their repulsive smug faces. It has nothing to do with anyone else and gives me constant second thoughts about whether this was a good idea.

Got to agree with other posters, I think the more intriguing question is why DOES anyone want kids as opposed to why not and I'm still not sure what my own answer is beyond blind age related panic.

aurynne · 10/06/2019 02:17

I have always found the question "why don't you want children?" very weird. Surely you would need reasons to WANT something, and not to NOT want it? I never felt the desire to have children, surely if I changed my mind it would be because a reason to have them had come up?

SinkGirl · 10/06/2019 02:42

the exact opposite actually feminism is not a womens issue. you can be male and a feminist and not want children

Are you a male feminist?