AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

[TheOrigFV45]

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

holes

We can add selfish to the list of growing insults of outraged WP that insist that SAH should feel 'happy' to have your darlings during the holidays, and indeed it is 'nice' to offer unpaid childcare for the whole day/days/weeks. Take your pick.

It is just as well I don't care about being 'nice' thanks, we moved past that in the 1960's and I would prefer not to be anyone's doormat!

I do work pt, and I sort out my own childcare. End of. I expect others to do the same, unless they can make an arrangement with another parent, and the childcare suits all and is equal.

kung My post touched a nerve clearly.

It depends on people’s set ups and situations. I have two DC very close in age one a boy one a girl. I work part time so I earn less but was there for my children. If I was off and had a free day in the summer I wouldn’t mind having the odd child round for a half a day or 2-3 hours if one of the DC wanted them round or as a favour to a mum who was ill, had an appointment or young baby etc but I wouldn’t want to have to get up and get organised early on to have little Jimmy from the crack of dawn until tea time in the holidays so you could go out to work full time.
Also most of the time when my DC were younger they would get on very well but often when one of them had a friend along to say the seaside, the park or wherever the other one would invariably be sad unhappy or generally left out so they were very much more demanding. So it completely changed the dynamics of the visit, day, day out.
Also some children just don’t fit in. DD asked if she could invite a friend to the seaside with us one time I knew her mum wasn’t well and so felt sorry for the girl and didn’t mind. When we arrived at X a local place she had been to before she was reluctant to get out of the car and didn’t want to put her phone down with game A on it. She didn’t want X to eat or Y she didn’t want to do Z or W, she hardly spoke and didn’t answer when spoken to be either by myself or my DD she was an absolute nightmare. It took all the pleasure and enjoyment out of the day. I was glad it was just 2 to 3 hours and not all day (we left early as I had had enough of her). I paid for ice creams, lunch in lovely cafe and gave them all money for slot machines little rides etc. She didn’t even say thank you when she got out of the car just went in and shut the door and her Mum didn’t even send a thank you text.

Is it actually strictly necessary to be dressed and showered when another child is dropped with you for 7.15am? I’ve offered childcare (not been taken up on it) and would imagine they would need early til late and I wouldn’t have imagined I would need to be organised before they arrive. I’m not a childminder and I wouldn’t expect to be paid!

'Who has been selfish? Being unable or unwilling to provide 12 hours free childcare isn’t selfish.'

According to some on this thread not looking after other people's kids all day is selfish. But expecting other people to have your children to save you a few quid isn't! Amazing.

I’ve been in this position, paid a lot of holiday child care costs over the years. The only people I feel comfortable making holiday arrangements are with family or really long standing friends. If you don’t have the sort of close relationship where you can whip out the calendar and and agree dates there and then, then they are not the sort of friends you should rely on for full day holiday care.
If someone commits to having yours as far in advance as you need, their child may miss out on a play date, outing or day with their extended family arranged nearer the time because they have agreed to have yours on that date, that’s not fair on their child. Or even worse they agree to have yours on a certain day then back out nearer the time or they or their child get ill, leaving you completely stuck. You can only depend 💯 on paid childcare.

According to some on this thread not looking after other people's kids all day is selfish. But expecting other people to have your children to save you a few quid isn't! Amazing.

Don't be so disingenuous (unless you're genuinely illiterate in which case I apologise). The attitude of lots of people on this thread is incredibly selfish. Basically that they would never do anything for free just to help a friend - yes that is selfish. OP isn't expecting anything of anyone unless they've actually offered and is wondering how best to take them up on that offer. It's not selfish in the slightest.

If someone was a genuine friend to me and I could help them out by taking their kid for one or two days over the holidays (when presumably I have kids the same age anyway) then I'd be happy to do so. I can't actually believe this sounds like inconceivable amount of effort to some of you. Unbelievable!

Don't be so disingenuous (unless you're genuinely illiterate in which case I apologise).

If you’re going to try to be a smart arse, do try to make sense.

How could someone be genuinely illiterate if they’re reading and writing responses on the thread? 🙄

You’re weirdly invested in this.

Wow! I can't work out if some posters just have no friends or if they're just incredibly mean to all of their friends.

If my mum hadn't had help (yes unpaid help from her friends) with childcare when I was growing up she'd have never qualified as a doctor. When she was a doctor she was happy to field panicked phone calls in the middle of the night occasionally from friends when their kid was ill and they weren't sure what to do.

We're not talking about a random mum at school expecting you to take their kid for the entire summer holiday. We're talking about actual friends who have from their own mouth offered to have the kid for a day or two. Do you seriously never take someone else's kid for the day? Doesn't your child like to have a friend round and go to the park? Then give them some fish fingers for dinner? Is it all really too much effort?

@IvanaPee

OK sorry perhaps you're literacy skills are sufficient to write but not to comprehend properly what you're reading. I'm not particularly invested and I'm not the one being nasty to an OP who just wants to sort out childcare which can be incredibly stressful. You're probably just one of the posters who loves a good pile in and feels aggrieved when you get called out for being irrational and unpleasant.

I love the spirit of kinship and solidarity among mothers. God forbid we should ever do something to help out a friend that could save them a few quid and cost us nothing. Much better we write nasty posts over the internet putting each other down.

I actually have taken note of your post OP. I'm probably guilty of making vague offers that people don't quite feel able to take me up on. I'll actually get off my arse and message my friend who might appreciate a bit of help. Bonus will be that I'll be able to spend the day reading while her son and mine shoot each other with nerf guns in the garden.

@HolesinTheSoles if you are going to criticise someone’s literacy you should learn the difference between Your and You’re

Do people not help each other out with childcare anymore? Why not? Surely kids like to spend the day with their friends?

But you don't actually have an answer to the actual point of made?

If you're never willing to do anything to help a friend, particularly when you've specifically offered to do so then yes you're selfish. It's absolutely your prerogative to be selfish or to not have any friends or wish to help the ones you do have but you can't deny the fact that it;s a bit mean to scoff at the very idea of doing someone a favour.

I haven't proof read this post and you're welcome to point out any SPAG errors. I'm more interested in the content of what is actually being said - that's the bit you seem to be missing!

I actually agree with the PP that a lot of these posts are mean spirited and selfish. "Why should I help?". Well because you're a nice person and you like your friend and want to help her out? If that's not a good enough reason then maybe you are a bit selfish.

Holes, I won’t point out the typo in your latest post but I will point out that, as my previous post was my first on this thread, you have no idea what I may or may not ‘be missing’

could save them a few quid and cost us nothing

And this highlights and illustrates the issue perfectly.

I can tell you do not look after other people's children on a regular basis and for whole days at a time crisp! If you did, you would know it is incredibly taxing, expensive and hard work for everyone, my dc included.

Saving other people's money at my detriment and cost, is not at the top of my list on ways to enjoy the summer holiday strangely enough, especially as they have a perfectly good CM in place.

I have a house full very very regularly and I love having all the kiddies over, but for short bursts only. I really can't deal with the sheer length required by a whole working day - the early start, keeping the dc entertained all day. It is tiring, made worse if the child isn't particularly easy going. I don't understand why you are not capable of understanding this.

Yes to short playdates and emergency help
No to prebooked unpaid childcare for ten hours at a time for multiple days.

holes I have tons of friends, and lots of dc here all the time. We have a great time thanks, and it is usually concluded with a glass of wine in the evening.

you're never willing to do anything to help a friend my friends know I am always here in an emergency and for short doable playdates.

you can't deny the fact that it;s a bit mean to scoff at the very idea of doing someone a favour I take issue with it being always one sided, I am doing the favours, they are asking for them. I am perfectly content with reciprocal arrangements. I am not interested in being used as unpaid childcare.

Surely kids like to spend the day with their friends? My children prefer shorter playdates that do not require other children to arrive before they have even woken up. Nor do they like the ballache of keeping other kids entertained for ten hours non stop either.

* Basically that they would never do anything for free just to help a friend .*. Big difference between last minute emergency or few hours here and there to full days of childcare at a time.

I think it's selfish to have your cake and eat it. If the op can never return the favour as she "goes away a lot" and then is asking or hinting at people to have her dc to save some cash during the holidays,then I'm pretty sure it's going to put a few peoples backs up.

I agree it is expensive to care for other people's children for a full day. Example when I had my son's friend over I gave him breakfast, lunch and dinner. Snacks, drinks. Going to the park cost me an extra £2 for an icecream. I had him round because my son wanted his friend over But the cost adds up and it's not something I would commit to doing but as a one off for tne kids, I would say in total he cost me £10 for the day not including payment for my time.

OK that's you and if you feel like that you shouldn't offer to help your friends.

I have 3 kids and generally have a houseful of kids all summer long. I don’t offer anything I’m not prepared to do but do sleepovers and play dates but just don’t do (or offer) whole working days of childcare.

The thing is OP, if you’re a SAHM the whole relief of the holidays is that you can take each day as it comes and not be beholden to any fixed plans.
This is the time of year when I start to get texts from the mothers of certain friends of my youngest two - eg. “Is x free on 17/18 July?” Well, god knows! How do I reply to that? I have 4 DC and if you’re stuck with one of their friends all day, it means they’re all stuck in and potentially moaning. If you want to go out for lunch or something, you can’t fit the extra one in the car and it’s expensive.

Also, my DC don’t usually get up and ready before 9 in the holidays unless there’s a specific reason, so the last thing I want is another child dropped at 7.30 etc. Sorry if it sounds selfish, but I've has years of having other people’s kids and I’m not doing it this summer. I will have my nieces and nephew from the US for five days and that’s it.

Yes to short playdates and emergency help
No to prebooked unpaid childcare for ten hours at a time for multiple days.

In a nutshell!

I forgot my purse the other week - my friend lent me £20. Very kind of her. Would I be reasonable, however, to say “the summer holidays are expensive and you’re working, so can you lend me £20 a week all summer and I’ll pay you back in the winter sometime?”. The answer is no (or if it is yes, it’s a completely different sort of favour). And the same applies to childcare requests.

I’ve recently started a new job which replaces my weekend one, and it means we are stuck for child care in school holidays for our eldest.
We have a few friends who, similarly, say “oh I’ll have her whenever you need me to” and whilst I’m grateful for the offer, I also wouldn’t expect them to put their lives on hold to help us out!
I am friends with her best friends mum from school, and she has said she will already be changing her working hours for the holidays, and she will take our daughter too if we need it. This is the only person we have a set plan for, and that’s only for two days of the week, but it’s a start.
My mum works shifts, she said if she’s off she’ll help but won’t know til nearer the time. OHs mum works nights, and said she’s happy for dd1 to be at her house but she’d be asleep obviously so not actively watching her (dd1 is 7 so although I’m grateful for the offer, it’s definitely not plausible to me). She only needs watching for 4 hours 4 days a week.

As soon as people say “we could have her then then or then” I’d be booking them up there and then, and ensuring they know you are relying on them heavily for this.

I’d help in an emergency or for a few hours in a day but there is no way I’d be agreeing to say 8-6pm just because to save you a day of childminder fees. I might end up having your child for that long purely randomly because they called round and have been no bother and I haven’t realised the time but I’d hate to be tied into that on the can’t send home for misbehaving etc because mums at work counting down the minutes.