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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

306 replies

TheOrigFV45 · 09/06/2019 18:40

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 15:49

OK sorry perhaps you're literacy skills are sufficient to write but not to comprehend properly what you're reading

If your comprehension skills were a bit better you’d know I wasn’t the one you’d tried to use that particular insult on, Holes.

As I said; if you want to be a bit of a twat to a poster who disagrees with you, you’d best make sure your posts are up to scratch...and that you have the right poster! 😂

Anyway, the fact remains that nobody has actually said they never help friends.

But there’s a difference between asking a friend for help in a pickle, and taking the piss. It’s as simple as that.

KindnessCrusader · 10/06/2019 16:26

Erm....ok Confused

clucky3 · 10/06/2019 16:28

I actually agree with the PP that a lot of these posts are mean spirited and selfish. "Why should I help?". Well because you're a nice person and you like your friend and want to help her out? If that's not a good enough reason then maybe you are a bit selfish.

☝🏻this.

my2bundles · 10/06/2019 16:36

OP. I think you need to chat to your friends and find out if they are serious about taking your child for full days so just for a few hours. If they do want to have him full days you need to discuss how you will compensate for cost of meals, trips out etc. What the back up plan is if they carnt gave him last minute or what would happen for your child fell ill. Taking on some else's child for that length of time is a huge commitment and it does cost. For a one off treat most people would be happy to foot the cost, for what you are asking most won't want to pay out for your child while you save on childcare.

NataliaOsipova · 10/06/2019 17:11

But there’s a difference between asking a friend for help in a pickle, and taking the piss. It’s as simple as that.

This is spot on!

Thesuniscoming · 10/06/2019 17:24

I am an amazing friend, I have lots of sleepovers, dinners, playdates and BBQs for dc and families. I have some very close friends that work extremely long hours, and have never asked me to look after their dc whilst they work, recognising it needs to be a proper arrangement for the longer holidays. I would never ever say no if they ever needed me to step in.

I find it is the not so close friends that are the cf! They are not good friends at all, and just see SAH as an easy option to overload their dc.

It is not even just WP I find even some of my SAH friends try to do this too, for pedicures, spa days or me time. A whole day of me time in the middle of the holidays is a stretch unless you are away. It can quickly tip over into having children over for lunch and a play - a complete pleasure. Into an absolute headache with the some families always wanting more and more.

Arrange your own childcare. Your friends may or may not be able to offer playdates, your friendship will benefit from not taking advantage and abusing their kindness.

BurnedToast · 10/06/2019 17:26

I think the problem here is the OPs expectations of childcare, and what's being offered. Most people are being vague when they 'offer to help' as either they don't mean it, or they're not thinking that far ahead and don't want to be tied down, or they mean a few hours and not all day.

If I had a very close friend who was a lone parent I would probably offer a whole day and would have worked out they needed it booked ahead. But, I wouldn't do it for anyone other than a close friend. Its all well and good to say its a nice thing to do, and it's not that much bother and accuse people of being selfish for not doing it, but the truth is it can be a massive imposition.

There's a huge difference between a few hours entertaining someone else's kid whilst your child and theirs play together, and a whole day of 10 hours trying to find things to do and providing food and snacks etc and then dealing with all the mess afterwards.

BurnedToast · 10/06/2019 17:30

OP, if I were you I would book your childcare. If someone offers to have your child on one of the booked days then so be it. But at least you have a back up if it falls through. I sometimes have one of DD's friends over on the holiday. I pick him up and return him to the childminder and he comes for 3-4 hours. There's no way I'd offer to have that child for 10 hours. I just don't went the hassle, but I'm happy for a few hours.

Pa1oma · 10/06/2019 17:31

It’s very easy to spot the mums who are angling for free childcare and always trying to pin you down. I used to fall for it with my elder two and their friends, but no more. A full day or several is too much of an imposition and I’m sure if I was working I wouldn’t want to impose my DC in this way, even if someone offered. It’s too much for my own kids to have the child all day too, they get fed up.

Pa1oma · 10/06/2019 17:32

Yes I agree - 3-4 hours to break the day up is fine. But no more

LovelyJubblee · 10/06/2019 17:39

We've always sorted out childcare in advance with holiday clubs etc because we have to be organised. I've had mothers of DS friends texting the night before to ask if they can help by having DS the next day. No when I've already paid £45 for holiday club for that day

If I were a SAHM then I would have offered to have a friends child one day a week in the holidays if they worked and offered it ages before.

I would have loved someone to offer all those years at primary school and as I don't work on a Friday I would always have had their child because it would have been nice for my only DS

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 17:43

If I were a SAHM then I would have offered to have a friends child one day a week in the holidays if they worked and offered it ages before.

Easy to say when you’re not in that position, I’d imagine.

Pa1oma · 10/06/2019 17:47

“ I would always have had their child because it would have been nice for my only DS”

Yes but you wouldn’t think it as nice if you have multiple DC as it is. Even having to drop and pick up one of your DC off to be company for someone else’s can be a pain tbh.

fedup21 · 10/06/2019 17:57

What hours would someone need to have

fedup21 · 10/06/2019 17:58

What hours would someone need to have your child whilst you work, @TheOrigFV45 ?

clucky3 · 10/06/2019 19:13

This post has been a real eye opener for me. I work full time but was a SAHM for almost four years. I really didn't feel the way that most of those people on this thread seem to. If my friends needed a hand with childcare I was happy to oblige, I know they would do the same for me if in a position to do so. If not then favours are returned in other ways in a proper friendship.

What most don't seem to appreciate is that having a child over for a couple of hours is not actually helpful at all, and the offers load the guilt on as working parents have to turn them down and feel that their children are missing out. SAHMs aren't the only ones who make sacrifices.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 10/06/2019 19:33

If not then favours are returned in other ways in a proper friendship.
But OP has said quite clearly she doesn’t intend to return the favour in any way. It’s a HUGE ask and most of the SAHM on this thread have said they DO do some childcare for friends but that it is exhausting and expensive.

Pa1oma · 10/06/2019 19:40

Yes but the parents who try and offload their DC onto you from 7.30 to 7pm are generally -

a) parents who have only one child and no concept of having to juggle children of multiple ages and that you can’t plan the whole day around doing say, 8 year-old things. For instance, if you need to drop off teens here there and everywhere, it’s one thing dragging your own 8 year old around, but you feel worse when it’s someone else’s in tow as well. Parents of multiple DC tend to just organise childcare as it gets too complicated otherwise.

b) it is not the case that the DC I get asked to take (the sMe ones every holiday invariably) are even particular friends of my DCs, so it’s hard work.

For instance, there is a mum now who is trying to pin down everyone in the class (mums of boys and girls) to have her DD as much as possible over the summer. If she gets just one day out of everyone st some point, that’s 24 days free childcare for her. This woman is not short of cash, she pays the school fees and works in the city in finance.

Another mum last summer dropped off her DD with me every morning at 7.15 and I gave her breakfast and then dropped her at a tennis camp a ten min drive away - for five days! None of my 4 DC were even up st that time and I had to leave them in the house. This girl wasn’t even a particular friend of my DD of the same age and my DD was not doing the camp. More fool me and this summer I’ve said a flat no.

TheCatDidSay · 10/06/2019 19:45

Yes sahm sacrifice current money, future earning potential and pension contributions to stay at home.

Any offer of child care be that a few hours to a full day from someone who’s putting themselves at a huge disadvantage to give your child a play date/save you some cash should be much appreciated even if it needs to be rejected not treated as an inconvenience because it’s not enough hours.

No wonder you end up with a huge divide between those who work and those who don’t Christ!

givemesteel · 10/06/2019 20:13

I think the issue here is that probably most of these offers are either people just being polite (maybe in response to you complaining about absent father / childcare costs) or meant as a 'in an emergency we'd help out', not a "I'll offer free childcare all day to someone 6 weeks in advance".

During school holidays people tend to make plans at their own convenience, to do something nice with another family or to amuse their own kids, but it's not something you want to feel beholden to (eg someone could be ill) and certainly people aren't meeting up for what would be the equivalent of a full day at the office. I'd feel very put upon if someone was trying to get me to commit now to having their kid over the summer hols, esp when there's no reciprocal offer (even if on a weekend).

Unless they're a very close friend who's offered (in which case I don't think it would be a vague offer, they'd give you some dates if they really want to help) I would just class these vague offers as someone you can call on if the childcare you've arranged has fallen through.

OrchidInTheSun · 10/06/2019 20:17

FFS, the OP is being seriously misrepresented on this thread. She said twice:

"Yes of course I have days off and then if I'm at home then we do have friends over and at weekends I arrange to have DSs friends.What I meant by saying I can't return the favours ATM is that I can't help in the same way they can."

And that's not because she's a cheeky fucker, it's because she's a working single mother.

When you are a single mother, there is no option - luxury/sacrifice/whatever - to be an SAHM. We have no choice.

We are hugely grateful to all our friends - SAHM, WAHM or WOHM that will take our kids for the odd day during the holidays - often at some sacrifice to themselves (getting up earlier than they'd like)- to help us and our children out.

No, we can't usally return the favour with babysitting (we're at home with our kids) or in taking your kids for the day but we can help you rewrite your CV/help you rehearse your presentation/edit your speech/feed your animals/make you dinner and cakes/offer an ear to listen when your husband is being a dick and not pulling his weight.

Reciprocal doesn't have to mean swapping identical services.

Pa1oma · 10/06/2019 20:34

The other thing which, while understandable, can render you into a taxi service, is when single DC are home with nannies and they ask you to come for a “playdate” eg, 2-6pm so that it’s easier for the nanny and less awkward. So even though people may be trying to return favours, it’s actually a pain when this is happening with multiple DC because eg. you end up dropping one off in Fulham to then go and pick another one up from Wimbledon, only to get home and have to go out ten minutes later to get back to Fulham in the rush hour. You realise you’ve been in the car all day and the other DC have just been left at home. Sometimes it’s just easier to just do one thing with the four of them, rather than be here there and everywhere. Somebody offering to have one of my DC over the holidays makes no difference if you have several others at home anyway.

OrchidInTheSun · 10/06/2019 20:38

Oh yah, Fulham to Wimbledon in rush hour is an absolute nightmare. My Cayenne nearly got scratched last week :D

Paloma - no is a complete sentence. If it's not convenient to you for another prep school parent to host your children during the holidays, just say no thanks and sit back on the sofa in your pants :)

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 20:45

Orchid, you mean you take time out from your Very Busy and Important conference calling to be friends with thick as shit SAHMs?

Presumably so you can use them for childcare...😊

What most don't seem to appreciate is that having a child over for a couple of hours is not actually helpful at all

Wow.

Pa1oma · 10/06/2019 20:47

I know sorry, I just get wound up every summer by this. It’s not too bad these days as two are teens and do their own thing, but for years, I used to get inundated by texts from parents in 4 year groups and people approaching me at pick up. I’d feel bad for saying no, but also I’ve been taken advantage of over the years.