AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

[TheOrigFV45]

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

The tone of your OP shows that you have an expectation of people to provide care for your child.
No it doesn’t. It shows that people making a vague offer of help aren’t really helpful at all.

OP has said several times, she doesn’t expect people to provide childcare. I’m in a similar situation. “Oh we can have DD over in the holidays” It is unhelpful because as a F/T working parent, holiday cover needs to be planned properly in advance.

OP has already accepted it is up to her to chase for firm dates, but I do think if you are offering to help, it’s better to be specific with what you can do, if possible.

My friend is an architect. If she’d offered to give up a few hours of her time to draw up plans for our extension, then she’d have saved us thousands of pounds. But would it have been unbelievably cheeky to ask her? Too right it would. And why is that any different from her asking me to look after her son for several days over the holidays?

Omg does no one help each other any more?! I would 100% have asked her! My friend is a gardener, we asked him to give us a quote for a new patio. He said he would quote us but if we wanted he would just come round one weekend and do it with my husband for a couple of beers. Likewise, I work in HR and often have people ask me advice - I don’t charge them! Is this not what people do for their friends and family?

The OP hasn’t said ‘I’ve seen there’s some mums at school who don’t work, I think it’s really rude they haven’t offered to have my child in the summer holidays to save me money’. She’s essentially said my friends have offered, how do I fix a date without seeming like a CF?

Because lots of other people have said they'd find this presumptuous and cheeky.

Many years on MN have taught me that I’m a social-dimwit and there are apparently many nuances to social interaction that I don’t understand. But honestly, why would someone offer if they were then going to judge you as cheeky and presumptuous for taking them up on it? And if their offer wasn’t genuine they can just say no. Then you can make alternative arrangements. Their problem for being insincere, not yours.

Everyone on here seems to be obsessed with people being “cheeky fuckers” and “entitled”, but I think it’s far worse to offer things or help with no intention of actually giving them.

Asking for a favour when you need help isn’t CF

She doesn’t need help though. This isn’t an emergency. She could just organize her own childcare for her own child and that’s that. Over and done with.

Then if her ds gets invited to someone’s house it’s a bonus!

Then if her ds gets invited to someone’s house it’s a bonus!

How is it a bonus? Then she’d be paying for childcare she doesn’t need - her kid can’t go to someone’s house for a few hours because she’s at work all day, so they’d have to be there all day. I just don’t get why everyone has such a problem with her trying to organise childcare, and ok she doesn’t need help as in an emergency, but she wants help because she doesn’t want her child in holiday club 5 days a week, and her friends have offered

The OP hasn’t said ‘I’ve seen there’s some mums at school who don’t work, I think it’s really rude they haven’t offered to have my child in the summer holidays to save me money’. She’s essentially said my friends have offered, how do I fix a date without seeming like a CF?

That is fair, actually - and I do see what you mean. The problem is that it’s probably a very British sort of “come to dinner sometime” type of offer, rather than a genuine desire to commit months in advance to caring for someone else’s child all day. So I’d say she can’t really “fix a date” without looking rather presumptuous. The best way to do it must be, at the time it’s offered, to say “Gosh - that’d be great, but I have to book a long way in advance. Have a look at your diary; if you do have some dates, then please let me know?”. That will hopefully sort wheat from the chaff. If OP goes back to them, it’s a bit like phoning your neighbour and saying “You know you said we must come round to dinner sometime? Can we come on Sunday for a full roast with all the trimmings?”

If there were a few other people who were prepared to do this too it could end up saving OP hundreds of pounds

But I’m not taking a pay cut myself (in my own choice of working hours) in order to save someone else hundreds of pounds!

There is no emergency that friends must rally round for. This is holiday care which is no surprise and imo should be properly booked and paid for.

Yes, her friends have offered but not in a way that she deems acceptable! Talk about ungrateful!

Anyway, it’s a lot - expecting someone to have your child for a full working day + travel time.

So the least you can do is be appreciative instead of whining that they haven’t offered you a calendar full of dates to choose from.

I have my dc booked in paid for childcare for the times that I need it. I juggle better than a bloody circus act and make massive sacrifices so that I can manage care for my dc. It’s just what you do.

The kindness of friends is relied on for emergencies and nothing else. And it’s reciprocal. not “oh I’ll pay them back years down the line when it’s more convenient for me”.

The kindness of friends is relied on for emergencies and nothing else. And it’s reciprocal.

Very well said! I do agree with PPs who have said that people shouldn’t offer things they don’t really mean, though. I think this is where confusion/awkwardness arises.

The OP hasn’t said ‘I’ve seen there’s some mums at school who don’t work, I think it’s really rude they haven’t offered to have my child in the summer holidays to save me money’. She’s essentially said my friends have offered, how do I fix a date without seeming like a CF?

That’s not how I read it. The OP seems more to be saying, ‘I’m annoyed that friends have said they’ll help, but they aren’t going out of their way to contact me with dates’.

Why would they?!

Yes, her friends have offered but not in a way that she deems acceptable! Talk about ungrateful!

I think her first post was probably badly worded.
I also agree that there’s needs to be some offer of reciprocation, even if it’s not taken up. My friend helps with mine sometimes, picking up from school if I have a meeting or whatever - she doesn’t work but she does know if her and her husband want to go out in the evening or at the weekend I am happy to go and sit with her kids or they can come here

The OP seems more to be saying, ‘I’m annoyed that friends have said they’ll help, but they aren’t going out of their way to contact me with dates’.

I agree. If someone offers, ask them. Why should they do the running about to do you a favour?

The amount of times I've had other people's kids and NO ONE has ever offered to have mine - I do not look after anyone's kids now, not even for play dates as the favour is never returned. I work from home so people thought they could use me as a drop in care centre for their kids.
If you've got to work, you've got to work your child will be fine with CM. Why is there so much pressure to provide so much for our children I remember when I was a kids summer holidays were boring my parents / relatives/ friends of parents didn't run round making sure I was kept entertained 😂

Just ask them OP and don’t feel you’re being a CF.

You’re not demanding days, assuming anything or marching round the playground with a spreadsheet asking random Mothers (genuine thread last summer.)

I’d be quite happy to receive a message asking “is there any chance you could have Johnny from x-y time on any of these dates? X/y/z, no worries at all if not. I’m happy to have Freddy any time on these dates...

If friends have genuinely offered to look after your child during the holidays (i.e. provide childcare) then it's up to you to agree a date(s) with them. This is exactly the same as booking the dates with your childminder - you need to get it agreed well in advance so you can be sure of having the care. Not sure why you think the onus is on them to contact you and offer dates - surely you need to tell them when you want help? They are not mindreaders!

If the friends are thinking more along the lines of a play date, then you still need to have the childminder in place (and perhaps friend can pick up from childminder?)

OP if you were my friend I'd be glad to have your kid for a playdate. But I'd want you to send me a couple of dates, as it would feel overbearing and weird to chase you up to look after your children. I wouldn't mind if you couldn't reciprocate. Life is hard, we need to help each other out.

If I've offered, I would expect someone to then ask me. I'm not going to chase someone in order to do them a favour.

Quite! I offer all kinds of support to people and am very rarely taken up on it. They either don't want my help or see it as some kind of blandishment. However the one sort of help I will not offer is to be somebody's PA for them.

I will be having my nieces for a couple of weekends plus a full week in August, pre arranged probably 6 months ago when my sister was organising annual leave. I offered repeatedly before she finally took me up on it (I work term time) But that's for family. I wouldn't offer for anyone else, I also wouldn't offer if I didn't really mean it! I guess it's a mixture of semantics/ miscommunication and being trapped by manners? (which I never am... 😉)
I would be annoyed if someone offered to do me a favour and they didn't mean it. But equally, I would be astonished if someone offered to take my kids for a 12 hour day for free! I would feel extremely beholden and would probably say no, to avoid owing them such a huge favour (unless they were family.... My family, not Ohs)

But honestly, why would someone offer if they were then going to judge you as cheeky and presumptuous for taking them up on it?

I wouldn't but lots of posters here have said that they would casually offer to have a child round during the summer but be offended if they were asked what days and times they could manage.

I don’t think anyone would be offended. Just that people mightn’t be willing to do it.

I’d have my children’s friends around for play dates and sleepovers. As and when it suits and for a time that I want them there.

I wouldn’t be getting us all up at 7/8am and taking care of someone’s kid till 6/7pm for free. They’re totally separate things!

Offering to have someone’s child over to play over the holidays is completely different to offering to provide free childcare.

If 10am to 3pm doesn’t suit then that’s a shame. We would just have another friend over!

The disparity on here is striking.

WP: Its going to save me hundreds of pounds if you take my child for a few days.
SAH: I have sacrificed much more than that to be here for my dc.

WP: Isn't the world a mean spirited place now, why don't the SAH want to offer me and my child days of free unpaid childcare?
SAH: Unless it is an emergency I don't want to be saddled with your kid for 12 hours thanks.

WP: She offered to have Jonny for me in the summer I didn't ask her to.
SAH: I simply suggested it would be nice for Jonny to pop in for a few hours at some point over the summer

WP: Spreadsheets out two months in advance. Text to all SAH's 'Dates please, that will be all day from 8 - 6 at least if the traffic is okay. Thanks so much Jonny Can't wait. Can I pencil you in for the 10th, 14th, 21st and 22nd of August. On my spreadsheet I have these gaps. Might need 30th of August too.
SAH: Errrr, I haven't even booked my holiday yet.

WP: Long silence. How bloody annoying/unhelpful/mean that SAH can't commit, she offered to have Jonny after all
SAH: I will know next summer to avoid WP.

No one, absolutely no one wants to offer unpaid childcare for full days in the holidays, unless you have a good arrangement, where both parents benefit.

Unfortunately if you work FT it is your responsibility to arrange childcare for school holidays. Do you not have any annual leave to take over the summer to spend sometime with your child? I work part time and always had to book holiday club for the days I was in work. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to not book this. I loved spending time with my children sometimes one of them would ask if a friend could come too or they would get invited to a friends it worked as it was only for a couple of hours. So if when the week day comes around and x friend invites your DC to the park, to the cinema etc it is likely to only be for a couple of hours rather than say a full on 8.30 to 5.30 or something which is a bit cheeky of you expecting them to feed, supervise, accommodate, entertain and take responsibility for your DC if you have no intention or you are not in a position to want to reciprocate the favour.

But I’m not taking a pay cut myself (in my own choice of working hours) in order to save someone else hundreds of pounds!

OK that's you and if you feel like that you shouldn't offer to help your friends. I on the other hand would be happy to have another child for a day or so every few weeks - nice company for my kids and if it saves a friend some money or makes her life easier that's great!

Some of the posters on here are incredibly selfish in the way they describe themselves. OP isn't marching up to people's houses demanding they take her children over the summer holidays, she's wanting to take them up on their own offers. Surely you actually like your friends and don't mind helping them out on occasion?

Some of the posters on here are incredibly selfish in the way they describe themselves.

Who has been selfish? Being unable or unwilling to provide 12 hours free childcare isn’t selfish.

@thesuniscoming Your post is stupid 🙄

No one is ridiculous even to take ‘we should get the kids together’ to mean an offer of childcare. The offer would have been worded ‘if you need any help with childcare let me know, I don’t mind having Billy for the day’. You’ve quoted me as a working mum harassing people - I work part time (currently on Mat leave) so am more like the SAHM, and I’m happy to have peoples kids if it helps them out, like my friends have mine when I need them to (note I’m using need to mean ‘make my life easier’ not ‘it’s a life or death emergency’)

No one’s saying that if you’re a stay at home mum you should automatically have other people’s kids. It’s the people saying ‘why should I do anything to make someone’s life easier/save someone else money when I’ve lost money by staying at home’ that are mean spirited - don’t want to do it, that’s fine, but it is a nice thing to do to help people out, and only doing it when you know it will 100% reciprocated is mean. I would rather my friend had the £40 than pay the holiday club if it doesn’t inconvenience me to have the kid; either way I’m not £40 richer so why would I not choose to save someone I know the money if I can?