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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be abit peeved that DS age10 on sleepover -

230 replies

bamboowarrior · 09/06/2019 15:50

was allowed to watch a 15cert film without the parent checking in with me first?

what age do you allow your kids to watch 12cert and 15cert and 18 cert films? wouldn't you, out of courtesy, check in with the parents first?

OP posts:
MyInnerAlto · 09/06/2019 22:06

I have a 14yo and I would be utterly furious if another parent offered him alcohol without my knowledge or consent. And that's although it's actually legal for 14yos to drink beer or wine where I live (!).

I'd be similarly angry were a 15 shown to my 11yo. We started with (some) 12s around 10ish.

maimainomai · 09/06/2019 22:12

Early age of drinking onset is associated with an increased likelihood of developing alcohol abuse or dependence in adolescence and adulthood, and also dependence at a younger age. Vulnerability to alcohol abuse and dependence is greatest among young people who begin drinking before the age of 15.^

Interesting.

Did they mention whether it was all kinds of drinking / any kind of alcohol consumption (church, home, friends...)?

Actually, I think I'll just have a look at the study you posted.

Cocobeanstalk · 09/06/2019 22:19

We used to drink probably from age 14. Nothing more exciting than waiting to finish school on a friday and having your bottles of wkd at the ready !
I’m 24 now..the last time I went out to get ‘drunk’ was 6 years ago. I have a bottle of wine a week now.

Flippedouthere · 09/06/2019 22:23

DD age 12 went to a sleepover and they watched The Shining. I was a bit shocked as I recall being terrified by that film as an adult (although I'm a wuss) and suprised the parents didn't check (assuming they knew) as I personally wouldn't have allowed it had it been at my house. DD certainly hasn't been traumatised and described the film as "silly" so no damage done. One of the other parents I spoke to seemed unfazed so I would've felt silly complaining. I also discovered the dad told them to "shut the fuck up" when they were being too noisy late at night (which I get must've been annoying). I wasn't too impressed but not naive enough to think DD hasn't heard swearing, although again it's not something I would do.

I wouldn't be best pleased in your situation but don't think I'd do anything about it, just be wary about them going round there again.

carmenbea · 09/06/2019 22:24

I really want to know the film lol

UnicornDust9 · 09/06/2019 22:33

@PCohle - I said sexual stuff as in sex scenes. I don’t think any normal person would like a 8 year old or even 10 year old watch sex scenes ?! Completely different to scary scenes.

Isthisafreename · 09/06/2019 22:42

@maimainomai - They state: Harsh parenting, family conflict and a permissive approach to alcohol by parents are associated with risky drinking in adolescence

I think providing 13 year old children with alcohol could be considered to be a permissive approach to alcohol.

PCohle · 09/06/2019 22:46

Really? Sex is perfectly normal and healthy. Violence and horror isn't.

Plus different families views on what constitutes "sexual stuff" is totally different. Nudity but no sex? Sex but no nudity? Sex but it's "fade to black"? Kissing?

Assuming all your kids friends come from families that share your values about this sort of stuff is what leads to parents being pissed off with you.

Malyshek · 09/06/2019 22:52

Why is it up to the other parents to guess you would even consider letting their 10yo watch a 15? Until my DD1 was shown an overage film it hadn't crossed my mind that other parents would do it.

When you're trusting me with your child, you're trusting my judgement with his safety. Saying that I will use my judgment does not mean I'll have your 10 year old watch porn, it just means that if I think a movie is fairly innocuous I'll probably not ring you and ask. Besides, if the kids are watching something, it's going to be something that I think is also appropriate for my child (who'd be the same age as yours).

Because if we start doing things this way, we can go to fairly absurd extreme. Should I also check with you first whether he's allowed to have seconds for dinner, and whether having dinner at 19h30 is okay, and whether he's allowed to read this or that book, and whether he can play in the garden without supervision, aand whether he can play video games... That could be a long checklist !

It makes more sense for the parent who has particular concerns to proactively bring them up. For instance, I'd fully expect you to tell me without me asking, if your child has an allergy.

And, come on, movie ratings are often ridiculously stringent. Probably because people who submit them don't want to face a lawsuit if a kid has a nightmare after watching (considering the size of the audience it's pretty likely that a few kids will, even if the movie is perfectly age-appropriate).

Plus kids are not that fragile. And if you see them starting to be upset there's always time to stop the movie then.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 09/06/2019 22:55

YANBU- I would always ask if they are allowed to watch any film over their age. It’s basic respect for the parents. It doesn’t matter if I think it’s fine, it’s not my call.

PCohle · 09/06/2019 22:59

If you let my 10 year old watch 15 rated films I'd stop "trusting your judgment" pretty sharpish.

Parent who are trusting your with their kids are assuming your judgment calls are within that range of what is reasonable.

Malyshek · 09/06/2019 23:00

That said I do feel differently about alcohol. Not because I think that alcohol before 18 is evil (alcohol should be an education, not something forbidden until you're 18 and then bam, do whatever you want... Of course people are going to mess up ! And I don't think the countries with the strictest laws in that regard are the ones with the fewest problems !) My parents allowed me to drink beer when I was 14-15 and I didn't turn out to be a drunk or an addict. Quite the opposite actually.

But giving alcohol to a child is not the same as letting them watch a movie, imo, because it's a substance they're putting in their body. So there's an aspect of body integrity there, that makes me say I wouldn't give them alcohol even if their parents said it was okay. If the parents want to give their kids alcohol they do it themselves.

But I fully plan to teach my son to drink gradually and responsibly, so that he knows his own limits. Instead of just letting him do whatever BS when he turns 18. But that's my choice for my family, I'm not judging anyone who think otherwise.

(am I wrong to think this whole hang up about alcohol is cultural ? Anglo-saxon puritanism, maybe.)

Booboooo · 09/06/2019 23:01

Can you just tell us the films please??

Malyshek · 09/06/2019 23:02

Parent who are trusting your with their kids are assuming your judgment calls are within that range of what is reasonable.

You are assuming that the movie ratings are reasonable. Which, quite often, they're not.

AtSea1979 · 09/06/2019 23:04

YANBU I would be very annoyed at this and would be speaking to the parents. I don’t let my 10 yo watch 12A films as I think it’s just unnecessary.

Malyshek · 09/06/2019 23:07

That said, obviously it depends on the movie and the age of the kids... For instance, apparently the lion king is rated at 6 yo. If two 5 year old kids are watching it, it's not a big deal.

PCohle · 09/06/2019 23:10

They're an objective standard administered by an independent regulator. I have more faith in their decisions than I do in random individual parents whose views I don't know and who may not have actually watched the film.

I'd don't agree that things you put into your body are necessarily more harmful than things you "put into" your mind. I don't know why you think it's so important to respect parental autonomy and outside guidance (legal drinking age) when it comes to alcohol but not when it comes to other issues.

Onehellofaride · 09/06/2019 23:11

I wouldn’t be happy YANBU. I would let DD10 friends watch a 12A but only with permission from the parents. Anything over that no. DS12 has watched a 15 but only after I’ve watched it first and I’m happy with it.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/06/2019 23:39

Same here; I’ve always been cautious with film certs and alcohol.

DD(23) recently confessed to me what she regularly got up to at her mate’s house at 14 and 15: the mother basically supplied them with alcohol and cigarettes and covered for them going to an older boy’s house for all night parties.

I could bloody well swing for the bitch. Even DD in retrospect says the mother was shockingly out of order.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/06/2019 23:53

What is particularly galling is remembering all the, “Why can’t you be chill like X’s mum?” jibes I had to put up with.

handbaghoarderr · 10/06/2019 00:17

And I'm sorry; but who were Alcopops designed for if not teenagers I don't know anybody over the age of 18 who drinks them

My mother drinks alcopopsGrin

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/06/2019 00:21

Mine does too. She doesn’t really like alcohol, used to put lemonade in wine, that sort of thing, so alcopops fit the bill for her.

Excited101 · 10/06/2019 00:32

That’s appalling op, they shouldn’t even be watching 12 films.

Alchopops at 16 maybe, not 13!!

handbaghoarderr · 10/06/2019 00:52

I wouldn't bother my arse about 15 cert at 10 and I would be shocked more than anything re alcopops.

LimeKiwi · 10/06/2019 00:55

Nope, YADNBU I wouldn't have been happy either!
I've got an 11 year old and I wouldn't let him watch 15 films.
Ratings are there for a reason.