At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

[avenueq]

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

Well as you won’t be getting a gift due to non invite - why no invite the lad to celebrate with your DS?

Hey we fancy taking Bob to the pictures/pizza/bowing - to celebrate his birthday - when’s good for you?

I know I could but I feel too shy to do it, because my worry is that basically "Bob" doesn't want to spend time with ds

This is meant kindly op but you need to remember it's not her responsibilities or obligation to provide friendship for your ds... Her obligation is to her own ds's needs and wants, rightly.

Why not organise something yourself & invite them, or no one, or do an activity that might lead to new friends..?

Brilliant, so we all just look out and care for ourselves

You might be close friends but that doesn't mean the boys have to be especially if they have not seen each other much since secondary.

Birthday boy should be able to do the activity he wants for his birthday and not expected to arrange a second one. You can do that if you wish.

The thing is kids do grow apart in secondary school

If your son likes Bob then you have to reach out and ask him

Why don't you arrange a meet up for the 2 of them? I don't think it's up to her to arrange her sons birthday around her friends son, especially if the 2 boys haven't seen each other in a while.

At 12 it tends to be down to the child to choose their social life, not their mothers. He's almost a teen.

Don't take it personally, the son probably has a new gang of schoolmates from secondary. Friendships based on the parents friends do tend to fade out by this age.

Yes they have, difference is "Bob" has got tons of new friends while ds has nobody.

A very good friend of mine is physically disabled. I love her to pieces and want to spend time with her. I also love rock climbing and other outdoor pursuits. The two are not compatible. So when I decided to go away for my 30th I had to choose her or an activity I really wanted to do. I spoke with her first and we decided I'd do the activity on day 1 with other friends and she would come later in the day, have dinner and drinks with us, stay the night and we'd do a more inclusive activity on day 2. She said she preferred this to sitting in the cottage alone, fair enough.

She's a good friend and we're very honest and sometimes she's left out of things (not specifically by me) and it's shit. 99.9% of the time we do things she's able to join in with, we change and ammend things because her being with us is more important. But sometimes, just occasionally, it isn't.

Sounds like the child feels doing this activity for his birthday is more important than spending it with your son. It might be because of the activity,not might be because the friendship has run its course. It's shit, but it's also life. You shouldn't have to organise something instead, but it looks like the friendship may be moving on.

I'd feel sad too, its heartbreaking when your child is left out and I say that without the added social barrier of a child with a disability.

However... This is your thing to fix and not the other mum. I don't mean that nastily at all. As others have said, it's Bob's birthday and his mum is meeting her child's needs /wishes.

Do something nice with your boy, invite Bob if you want.

This age is hard, friendships do change and previously solid friendships do drift apart. Mine is 15 and I would not like to go through the primary/secondary transition again.

I hope you and your boy find something fun to do and I'm sorry you're hurting.

I would invite the friend round to yours to spend time with your DS at a different time.

It sounds like they've grown apart, it's normal to change friends in school so don't be too worried. Encourage him to make other friends

My friend knows how hard it is for ds and for me. I just want there to be ONE thing in ds's life where I don't have to push and fight. Ds loves the whole family - if they asked him to come for pizza one night for an hour he'd be over the moon, that's all it'd take. Yes I can organise but it's not the same. It won't give ds the feeling that he is wanted

Yes they have, difference is "Bob" has got tons of new friends while ds has nobody. So you need to help him to foster new friendships or to try and retain the one he has. Invite the boy over or out for something that they both enjoy.

You feeling "too shy to ask" is going to cause problems for your DS. You need to reach out and try to help him maintain this friendship, not get all offended at your DS being left out and cut off his nose to spite his face.

Or your DS has to ask him, otherwise he'll be letting the friendship slide. Yes its unfair that the other boys can do things that yours can't but that's life unfortunately. Until your DS has made some new friends try to help him to keep this relationship going.

It's a shame for him. I think the best thing would be to encourage him to join new groups and hobbies, meet new people.

No point in trying to impose a friendship that one is the boys has moved on from. It's normal at this age, and yes it's sad for your son, but it happens all the time.

And it may feel like it is due to your DS's disability, but plenty of us have to facilitate our DCs' friendships for them, even in the age of instant communication it seems that 12 yos need their parents to arrange things or they don't happen!

My DD sat at home all week over half term. I texted a friend about something else and asked how her DD was enjoying the break. "Oh she's bored, just here with her grandma all week." I invited the DD over and the girls had a lovely day + sleepover, they wouldn't have bothered if it had been left to them or the other mum, that doesn't make it any less of a nice day.

Very common for children to grow apart when in secondary school. And also at 12 tbh too old to just go along with being friends with other children just because your mums are friends.

If you want to maintain this friendship between the boys then I’m afraid you’re going to have to proactively get them together whether nominally for his birthday or separately.

This doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting, of course it will. But I would pour your energies in helping support your DS in making extra friends whether via school or out of school activities.

You need to help him make new links in different areas with more people. Waiting for others to reach out will lead to either isolation or pity-based contact, neither of which are healthy or desirable.
Think hobbies, social events, films, friendships with a wider base than school.
I have two with hidden disabilities, and it’s a lifelong fight.

My friend knows how hard it is for ds and for me. I just want there to be ONE thing in ds's life where I don't have to push and fight. Yes, but this isn't a "thing" is it? This is real people. You can't force them to include your DS in their life, to make him feel wanted (when, in fact, he may not be - people move on in their friendships.)

What you can do is give the opportunity for the friendship to continue -invite Bob round, see how it goes. And if it doesn't, use the opportunity to explain to your DS that people do move on, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him.

My friend knows how hard it is for ds and for me. I just want there to be ONE thing in ds's life where I don't have to push and fight. Yes, but this isn't a "thing" is it? This is real people. You can't force them to include your DS in their life, to make him feel wanted (when, in fact, he may not be - people move on in their friendships.)

Hang on are you reading the bit about the mother being a very close friend? So she couldn't invite ds for tea one night just because she knows how happy it would make one of her closest friends and her ds?

It’s so difficult, isn’t it avenueq. Unfortunately children very often grow apart from their old friends, when they hit secondary school. Are there clubs that your son could join, so he could met children with similar interests, so he could find a common ground with his peers. Also check to see if there are any Facebook groups for parents of children with similar disabilities to your son, where you could both get support and make new friends. I hope things get better for you both.

I'm absolutely with you. DD1 hardly went to any birthday parties at primary. DD2 went to loads. As a mum it hurts a lot. I don't have any solutions other than to try not to let it get you down.

I just want there to be ONE thing in ds's life where I don't have to push and fight.

I can understand that, but unfortunately as parents of children with SNs or physical disabilities, that’s also not realistic. We will always have to fight for them.